He's 32 and not ready to get married

[winescarlet]

We have been dating for 4 years, living together for 2. I am 28 and would have said 'yes' 3 years ago. When we talk about marriage, I am always the one to bring it up and he responds with 'I am not ready yet.'  Only he doesn't know why. He owns a house and has a good job. He has a lot of bad history with his family and other past issues I don't believe he ever fully healed from. I want him to get therapy but thinks everything is fine. He says he knows eventually he will want to get married but has no idea when that is. The situation is getting really hard on me and I'm starting to hate him for it. Should I just stay, hold back my feelings and wait or walk away and find someone who is ready?

[summer_marie]

Wow 6 years of your life with this guy and he doesnt want to get married. ok first off 6 years is a long time to be with someone, you should know each other well enough and be comfortable around each by now. What would be the difference if yall were married, it must be that thought of marriage that is bothering him i dont think its commitment.  I would love to get married one day, marriage is showing someone that you want the world to knwo you r committed, i dunno.

but yea you need to say i want this and if you dont want it then i need to move on.

[RockRose]

I'm going to step right in it and say I think you should tell him today,  that your goal in life is to get married and have a family (if that is your goal) and if he doesn't have that as a goal also you are not a match.

It doesn't make either of you bad people,  it just means you have different life plans.

I'd be burning mad at a guy I was giving sex to for 4 years who didn't think I was good enough to marry,  winescarlet.    He might even end up with a big slap mark on his face.  : (

Old fashioned values work,  and that's why they endured for so long.  

[specialmom]

Oh, I agree.  It is a huge commitment and that is why I would want someone to be completely excited about it.  I married at the age of 34 and I probably wouldn't have dated my husband for 4 years with no sign of taking it to the next level.  I knew that I wanted to marry and have children and that I needed to be with someone that had the same goals.  So if I suspected after a couple years of dating that we weren't on the same page, I'd have left the relationship.  But I knew what I wanted.  I could not have dated indefinitely.

But if someone is at all unsure, I'd never push them to marriage.  And marriage isn't for everyone.  I just thought that this young lady sounded like me in that she knew that she wanted to be in a relationship that resulted in marriage.  So, it would depend on  her goals.  

[Princessdaniella]

I understand Your advice does make sense I just think that in this time and day everything is not how it once was and people are afraid of commitment. Everything has unfortunately changed from how it once use to be and Yes it could be like that, it could be a way of not wanting marriage at all. But for others it may be that being pushed into is not a positive thing. It is a huge commitment.

[teko]

I think these days with the divorce rate the way it is, people are terrified to take that step! It seems like things are great and then they get married and it all goes downhill fast! Maybe that is the way your man feels. I don't know but it sounds like it is bothering you and since it is, I think it is time to tell him how you feel and take it from there. 4 years might not sound like a long time to some but if there is no talk of taking it to the next level, then you are not compatible in your goals, and I think that is important. I mean at some point you may want children and you sure dont want to start having children at a late age either. If it were me I would ask him to marry me and if he hesitates or stammers, it is a good opener for conversation, not to mention it will knock his socks off! lol

[specialmom]

Well that is good advice Princessdaniella even though it is opposite of mine.  LOL.  I guess it depends what her goal is.  In counseling couples, I found that often that if someone after a number of years says they are not still not ready for marriage, they mean what they say and that couple never marries.  I did want the guy that was madly in love with me and wanted to make me his wife over someone that was wishy washy.  But that was my dream.  Some people prefer to date and committ by living together.  To each his own.  By the way, I have a good friend that gave the old ultimatum for marriage and she has questioned whether he really wanted to marry her ever since.  He did it but under her forcing the issue.  I've never had that doubt with my husband and in the tough times, that is comforting.  Just my thoughts on the subject and there is no right or wrong.

[Princessdaniella]

You have been dating him for 4 Years and expecting him to ask 3 Years ago, one year is not a lot of time at all to be in a relationship and be expecting a proposal. I do not think anything is wrong with him not being ready to get married Yet as 4 years is actually not that long at all. It may seem it and there should be other changes by 4 Years but I have many friends who are with partners and have been for over 4 years and are not proposed.
I know You want it and when You want something so much it can often be difficult but I would definately suggest waiting it out, it is not worth walking away from someone you love (if you do truly love him) just because he was not ready for marriage.

[specialmom]

Oh no.  I'm sorry.  That is a difficult situation to be in.  You never know what is going to happen and never say never.  But usually when it has been this long and someone is of that age . . . it says something about the man's feelings.  I don't say that to hurt you but I would like for you to have a man that is so excited about the prospect of being with you that he happily makes the marriage committment.  He may come around and decide that he wants to . . . but I just long for that enthusiasm about it.  

I'd consider a time frame for seeing if he comes around and if he does not, then moving on.  I'd go with six months.  If he has made no mention of an engagement with a marriage plan at the end of it then tell him you are leaving to find someone who wants this with you.  And mean it.  If he reconsiders at that time and proposes, you can consider if you would like to accept.  But you are in control of the situation.  

Wishing you lots of luck and a happy future.