Why is it easier to blame the other person?

[mami1323]

Why do you think when you are cheated on, you tend to put blame on the other person and take the responsibility off of your partner?  I know I blame him more than her, although, I chose to stay, I still blame her as well.  She was aware that I existed, she knew I was pregnant, she didn't care.  She knowingly pursued a relationship with him, even knowing about me and our life together.  I know she is heartbroken now that she realized he wasn't leaving me and that the affair ended, so is that her just desserts?  Where did the entitlement come from, that she thought she knew him, that she thought it was ok to tell my fiance she loved him?  Even though it was his responsibility to me, not hers.  Why is it some people put so much blame on the other person and yet decide to forgive their S.O.?  Just throwing it out there.

[GRose]

mami- I do agree that a women would have to be pretty naive to not catch on eventually.

[Lonelymom]

I blamed her and still do blame her. My mom and sister have held me back from kicking her a**!! I also do lay blame on him as well, but she was supposed to be my best friend. I told her everything. She inturn used it against me and told him all the bad things I told her. I was just trying to vent to a friend so that I didn't explode on him. Those are the women I blame.

If she didn't know me and didn't know I existed I would be able to give her some slack.

[mami1323]

I don't know about you but if a man says he's single, yet he only picks up his phone every now and then, you get voicemail most of the time, he doesn't invite you over to his house or around family and friends, disappears, doesn't spend holidays and most weekends with you, you have to be pretty niave not to pick up on the fact that he is not available.  

[GRose]

Exactly, it was a double betrayal and my sister still isn't over it.
I agree that men will always find a way if they want to cheat and they do lie to the other women involved so in that case you cant blame the one he cheated with but if they know he is in a relationship then I see no problem blaming them at least a little.

[mami1323]

That is a double betrayal GRose.  Your friend and your man.  That's just disgusting.  Especially after all of those years and a child.  That is not a "friend".  I think if more woman had respect then it wouldn't happen as often.  Although, men will find a way, they won't tell the other person they are involved or they will turn to prostitution.  

[GRose]

I see no problem with blaming "her" as well. She knew that your hubby had a family, she knew what she was doing was wrong. I am not saying you shouldn't blame him too but what she did was just as bad....
Why cant women just leave the taken me alone? There are plenty of single men out there?
My sister's b/f of 9 years cheated on her, they had a 14 month old at the time. The other women was my sisters BEST friend, my sister left and 5 years later he is still with the old best friend. My sister blames "her" just as much as she does him.

[mami1323]

Thanks teko....it is true, he is the one commiting the action.  He's just as accountable.  I guess if I stay angry at him and hate him, I can't make it work.  

[teko]

I think cheating is 2 vulnerable people hooking up.  I think they are both self absorbed and maybe in different ways. I would hold the husband more responsible because he took vows to me, she did not. She may be a snake in the grass but it was his decision ultimately.  He chose to do this instead of putting the energy into communication with the person he was committed to. A coward.  I could not stay with someone who cheated, I am not that big of a person. My hat is off to you my friend.

[mami1323]

I dream of running into her while I'm with him and our son.  Then as she walks by I would call her all types of names.  I really would want to hit her but I know she's the type of person who would have me arrested and charged with assault.  But just having her see us together as a happy family will be justice enough.

[KATE535]

I used to tell my man ''you wait til I see her !!'' I fantasised (not sexually LOL!!!) about belting her once across her face, haha - there's comfort in revenge, however much we deny it. I am not a violent person but... who wouldn't want to.
However in reality, and after all the things I imagined saying to her and picking a real fight, when I saw her, which was just the other day - passed her in the street - I was stunned, in shock really, felt jittery that THERE was the woman I've hated so much for so long, but all I wanted to do was... stand tall, look uninterested, and walk on by...
Maybe after a year that was easier somehow.
It was a very satisfying feeling by all counts...

[mami1323]

Yep Michele, I remember you telling me the story.  I agree with you 100%.  It must have been so hard to know it happened a year before you found out.  The pain is still the same, whether it be a year or a day.

KATE535 - I hate her to, so much that I'm afraid I may physically harm her if I were to ever see her....lol.  I heard that it takes a long time.  

[Michele, Katy, TX]

Well mami, I think everyone has had good points and I don't think I can really add much more to it.

When I was a teenager, my ex husband (boyfriend at the time of course) cheated on me with my best friend.  I think I told you this story.....Anyway, I did blame her.  I don't know if I blamed her more, but I sure the heck blamed her.  And it was much easier for me to be mad at her than at him.  I don't know why exactly.  I guess because I chose to stay in the relationship with him.  To my knowledge, it happened once, and by the time he confessed it to me, about a year had passed.  I did tell my mom and get tested for STDs.  I knew this girl was slutty.  I just never thought she would be that way with him.  I trusted her.  Funny thing is.....my mom didn't.

But now in my adult mind, I agree with others in that the person that has the responsibility and commitment to you is your S.O.  Should the other person respect your relationship????  Absolutely!!!!  I totally agree w/ you on that.  I would never mess with someone else's S.O.  NEVER!!  Besides the fact that I think it's IMMORAL, I am very big into treating others the way I want to be treated.  I wouldn't want a woman to disrespect my relationship like that, therefore, I wouldn't dream of doing it to someone else.  

I am sorry that you have had to go through this.  I hope Richie knows how lucky his is.  I really do.

[KATE535]

Ooo, and I still can stand that B***h and hate her !!

Lol

[KATE535]

Lol !!

I can relate to the feelings of bitterness that never go away. It's been a year with us, I still am only now beginning to put it behind me, but it never goes away really - I'll always doubt him a little more than I would have, and always question his faithfullness to me, but it's a hard pill to swallow, and I've forced myself to swallow it because in every other aspect he is a good one...
I will always blame them both - she knew he wasn't available, he knew he was cheating - guilty on both counts.

[mami1323]

sammy - I give you a lot of credit in being able to let it go to move on.  I wish it was just as easy for me.  Even though he's doing everything right, there is so much bitterness and anger there.  Even it being 5 months now.  

KATE535 - I feel you on that one.  They both disgusted me and when I think about them together I want to claw eyes out...lol.

[KATE535]

I blamed her as well as him. Felt they were both disgusting. She had no dignity in my eyes and it was a cheap thing to do. He was a typical man only interested in getting his c**k in action.
      [[Sorry I become angry when I think about it and my English turns sour]]

[sammy73]

If you are staying with a partner who cheated, you need to love them, you need to forgive them, if you can continue to have a life together.  That's hard to do if you are holding onto the blame and resentment, so instinctively we have to let that blame go to enable us to move on.

The other person - well, we don't have a relationship with them, and we don't need one.  So we are not damaging anything by having as much blame, hatred, and anything else for them.  Well, maybe we damage ourselves by hanging on to hatred for anyone, but it's a hell of a lot easier and less damaging to aim that at a near-stranger than to someone we are in a relationship with.

So, it's instinctive.  It's what we need to do to survive and move on.

In grammy's case, she was divorcing her husband - without the need to rebuild that relationship, it's much easier to direct the blame at him.

I know, logically, that I don't blame the guys my wife slept with.  They had an opportunity, here was an attractive woman who wanted no-strings-attached sex, they took it.  Few men (unattached men anyway) wouldn't.  But emotionally, I still harbour anger and blame and a little hatred towards them, I just can't help it

Logically, I know most of the responsibility lies with my wife, and I did have anger, upset and resentment because of that.  But emotionally, I have made myself let all that go, and move past it, so we can rebuild our relationship.  Now we really are on the road to recovery, that has become easier to do.

[mami1323]

grammy, did she know that he was married?  You don't think as a woman, you should have more respect for someone else's relationship?  That was really mature of you.  I wish I could be that mature.

[grammy64]

I did the opposite.  After almost 21 years of marriage, I never blamed the other person.  She and I had no vow...no attachment...she owed me nothing.  But I filed for divorce 3 weeks after I found out. I never blamed her for a minute....

[AHP84]

Lol!

[mami1323]

You both make good points.  I'm asking these questions because I've decided to attempt to write a book on my experiences.  I guess, getting to know how other people think, helps me.  I think AJ, what you said, hit the nail right on the head.  I guess when we are emotionally attached to our S.O. and we have decided to forgive them, we tend to place blame on the other person in order to forgive.  Blood is thicker than water.  I would've liked to see some blood but then I would be in jail....lol.

[AHP84]

Probably because they're just that--your significant other. The one you want to share your life with. The person who, through marriage/vows/committment, became your family. The "other half" of you.
So while it is possible to cut yourself away from them if they betrayed you, and broke the vows and committment to you, I think it's only all the more difficult to let go because of what they are to you.
Whereas with the other lover, they are an outsider. A total stranger to you. You know nothing about their life (well, in some cases anyway). Nothing about their personality. Nor do you have any reason to care. Then they came in and trampled in your territory, behind your back, with the person whom you loved first, who was first committed to you and made into a part of your family.
Blood is thicker than water is the saying, I believe.

[Shara21]

i have been cheated on quite a few times, never stuck around long enough to give anyone the blame =P
I dont have a real answer in this, but maybe because by putting the blame on the third party you avoid dealing with the reality of the situation?

I Dont know if you are talking about with yourself or in general.... so now it is my turn to please be excussed if i am comming off as insensitive, really dont mean to be =) it's just maybe a possibility??