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attention issues!!
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attention issues!!

I don't know what to do, my husband hasn't been paying attention to me. I know I might not pay attention when he's talking to me but its very rare when I don't pay attention and its usually when he's talking about work. but last night was the worse. we had gotten done doing the hanky panky and I started talking to him about how I felt and he's all "I just had deja vu about you telling me how you felt" & I started telling him more and he falls asleep. I got upset bc he usually does that. I don't know what to do anymore I don't know how to get his attention. Sometimes I wish he'd be traveling again instead of having him here with me and not even getting his attention.
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3149845_tn?1415046551
Hi Wyr,
You got a couple of issues here. I traveled before so i can relate.
Traveling is exhausting and when he gets home he just wants to relax and think about nothing.
Also the specific situation your talking about happened after hankey pankey. Hankey pankey is also very exhausting and to have a conversation with a man after it is really bad timing on your part.
The big picture here is that you are establishing habit lifestyles, and men more than women are prone to do this as get comfortable.
How do you get his attention? By timing, by wording and by subject.
Your relationship is secure and instead of focusing on attention getting maybe talk up some of the arts to help with self realization.
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Avatar_f_tn
Okay but its not just that he doesn't pay attention after intimacy he doesn't pay attention to me when he's playing games on the tablet n his phone and its really frustrating bc I'll ask him to do something for me and he won't pay attention to me or I'll show him something and he won't look at it bc he's playing games.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hm.  I'm going to be really honest.  I'm a lot older than you and married for many years.  My husband and I make time for one another without expecting all of our time at home focused on one another, if you know what I mean.  To me, it sounds like he has interests and things he does (as he should) and you don't have as much.  You wait for him to get home and then just want him 24/7.  

I'm, frankly, as busy and involved with things as my husband.  I have my must do things, my me things, my friend things, my kid things, my church things, my hobbies, etc. that all take up a portion of my time.  My husband is one of the things I give time to.  

I honestly think it sounds like you need to fill yourself up with more that is just you and not about him.  

and if you do that, there is a good chance he'll be more interested in you.  

How's that job search going??  That will help.  You just sound really preoccupied with him and it is one sided and that usually tells me that a person needs to discover more about their own selves rather than look to someone else to entertain them or make them feel good.  

Sure, I do love attention from my husband.  But when he's tired, he's tired.  When he is doing something else, he's doing something else.  I simply say--  how about tomorrow we set aside some time to just talk and hang out with nothing ese going on but being together.  And then spend an hour or two doing that.  Rather than just expecting it whenever YOU are in the mood for it.  Ya know?

I do wish you luck.  There is an art to marriage for sure.  And this works for me anyway.  Staying involved in my own things and having my own life as well as spending time with my husband.  good luck
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1268057_tn?1399131913
SM pretty much stated what I was thinking.  

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Avatar_f_tn
I am working now and I work nights I start at 6 & don't get off til 12 or upto. 3 am restocking the store. and maybe and he doesn't come home til 5 or. 5:30 and he leaves to work when I get home and maybe that's why I would like for him to pay some attention to me I also work weekends and on weekends I go in early and don't get off til like 6 or 7. but I'll try to do more of my things and maybe I'll get noticed by him.
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3060903_tn?1398568723
Hi honey, i've read your recent posts, and i think i've got some advice that will help with your lack of attention issues.

Firstly, SAVE MONEY TOWARDS A DOWNPAYMENT ON A PROPERTY TO ALLOW YOU TO BE GAINING EQUITY, WHILE YOU SLEEP. STOP ALLOWING THAT PIECE OF MIND TO BE GIVEN TO ANYONE ELSE.  First of all, i think it's great that you've still got your job at the store. One BIG suggestion i can make to you is this. You're both working very hard. Please try to put away two weeks of your wages per month into an account so that you and your husband can invest in some property. Investing in property, 14 years later, has allowed us to both be retired and together now more, since we've both retired. While it's nice "to get things for the house" , it's much nicer to be able to own a home together, and have the security. Equity in a property is like having an extra income. Equity in a property means that the property values raise, over time, and your investment in the down payment soon turns into an incredibly nest egg for you both. Every one feels a certain amount of frustration when they work so hard, and are paying someone else's mortgage, and giving someone else peace of mind, and a rosy long term financial forecast.  So, IMO, if you haven't opened up that savings account yet, DO IT, and learn to live without 2 weeks of your pay. I think that will go a LONG way in giving you both a real sense of security and respect for each other, allowing you to appreciate you both working more.

Secondly, ALWAYS LISTEN TO YOUR HUSBAND AND TRY TO MAKE HIM FEEL HEARD, BY OFFERING UNDERSTANDING COMMENTS AND SUPPORT ABOUT HIS WORK DAY, EVERYDAY.  You mentioned that you not always listen to your husband when he talks about his work, and i think that's making it hard for him making you his priority. He may feel undervalued for his contributions. You must always take the time to listen about his work issues. The fact is right now, this is foremost the greatest thing that you have in common, and that you can both share with one another. Please, support him by always listening to his work issues and let him know that his high priority, is your high priority.

Thirdly, ALWAYS SPEND TIME THINKING ABOUT THE POSITIVES AND BEING GRATEFUL. It is positive that you're working and contributing. Always be grateful that you have a job, to contribute. Do this by imaging how rough it would be on you both if you didn't land that job at the store. DO NOT think about quitting your job so that you're there for your husband for more hours in the day. A) This is something that you have in common (fighting for financial independence) and he DOES appreciate your taking that seriously and making it your priority. B) You are gaining seniority at work, and hopefully you are on the short list to work days, allowing you more time at home with your husband. C) "Seniority" also sometimes refers to the knowledge or skill that one obtains with long experience. You are valuable experience that is attractive to other employers. Always try to take the time to find a better job, in this case a job that will allow you to be at home during the evening with your husband. Right now, you are suffering having to work these night hours, and I STRESS YOU MUST CONTINUE UNTIL YOU HAVE THE SENIORITY TO GET A *SECURE JOB, DURING THE DAY~ So, keep your eyes open for a better position, and it makes it much more attractive that you are working, and haven't quit and are sitting at home while applying for another job. Keep doing what you are doing, and try to be grateful for the position you are in. A bird in the hand, is worth two in the bush. Try using positive affirmations, "I am grateful that my husband and I are both working towards financial independence. I am going to put away two weeks salary in a savings account to buy a property and gain equity in a home. This will provide for our kids in the future, and is a priceless contribution. I am SO proud of us both!!!".

Fourth on the list is this. ALWAYS TRY TO UPGRADE YOUR EDUCATION. Think about going to college or university part time to upgrade your education for the future. It's great that you are working while you do this. You can take an online university course where you can gain credits towards a degree. You could take a BA in Business, allowing you in the future to become the Manager of a business. Even the business that you're currently in at the store. Check out Management positions and find out what the educational requirements are. Usually it takes a BA., a three year course of study. You can do this at home, on the computer, easily, or take part time courses at the university close to you. If you need to get your GED, then start there. Appreciate the past, enjoy the present, and plan for the future. Maybe you're more interested in Health Care, and would rather get into the field of medicine? Maybe you'd like to try your hand at teaching children, and your interests lay in Early Childhood Education. Where ever your interests lay, take a chance and invest in long term opportunities that will make your life more interesting, always move onward and upward.

Fourth, GET BACK ON CHANGING YOUR DIET TO ALLOW YOU TO GET TO YOUR HEALTHIEST WEIGHT. DON'T GIVE UP. ONCE YOU GET RID OF USING UNHEALTHY FATS AND SUGARS, YOU'RE BODY WILL ADJUST, AND YOU WILL NOT CRAVE UNHEALTHY FOOD. This is incredibly important for you, especially since you are not extremely tall. Try getting the book, Eat to Live, by Joel Fuhrman honey, and read read read up on how to have the healthiest life. Nutrition is SO important to long standing health and body weight. Your husband will so appreciate your taking the time to educate yourself to this. Joel Fuhrman also has a book called "Disease Proof Your Child, Feeding Kid's Right." You're taking time to have kids at the right time in your lives, and I SO RESPECT you both for that. Timing is everything. SO take the time to start to plan for your children. Make it your business to start educating yourself now on the best way to raise your children.

Finally, everything that you do to show your husband that "when the going gets tough the tough get going" is your motto.   Put the work in, and your marriage will flourish. Never stand still. Life WILL get boring. ALLOW YOUR HUSBAND HIS TIME AND MANNER TO UNWIND. Don't consider anything wrong with what's happening now. He loves you, and he supports. you . Be grateful. Take the attention issues as an wonderful opportunity to learn and gain insight. Be grateful for what you have. Try to incorporate an activity that will get you and your husband closer, like taking a walk. I incorporated hiking to waterfalls into my relationship with my son, so our relationship would be more interesting. Is there some form of physical activity or hobby that you and your husband could do together. Have you thought about clay modeling or wood carving? or hiking with each other? It would be a great stress relief and help you with your weight loss goals. BE GRATEFUL always, for what you have together, and if it get's boring then add interest to the mix honey. You'll be fine. You have everything going for you, you both do. Hope this helps. Always, your friend. Liz
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank You so much Liz, your advice gives me a better understanding of how to work through the issues of my marriage. and yes we have a savings acct. that will be going towards a piece of property.
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