cheating husband while pregnant

[8940]

I am pregnant with our 3rd child and have been marriedto and alcoholic for 12 very rocky yrs.  Soon after I got pregnant my husband found himself in great financial turmoil and decided to react by leaving us to work in another state with me dealing with all the bill collectors, losing our house and everything, with very little contact from him.  After a few months he came back a different person, acting like his temporary new job was now his new home and I was bad for not wanting to go there with him.  After lots of strange happenings he finally confessed that he was addicted to prescription drugs and was involved in dealing drugs on the side.  We decided to try to tackle this problem together along with everything else going on and he would not leave us again, but I made known that I still needed to divorce him for the sake of our family until he gets his life back on track.  After a few months he confessed that he also had an affair where he was and although they only slept together once and realized it was a mistake, her friendship was important to him.  He was then diagnosed as bipolar and many things made more sense.  He is otherwise a great dad and says his affair is really about me and that he wasnts to fight for our marriage and our family.  He finally cut most ties with her just recently, but still see her in his eyes as a wonderful woman who is trying to help him get his family back.  The divorce papers should be arriving in the mail soon and my friends and faily are strongly urging me to get the divorce as soon as possible.  I believe that people are forgiving and it is possible to redeem himself to me and all of our friends and family who are so disappointed with him.  this is such a complicated situation and I am under so much stress with this pregnancy.  He is going to 2 different therapy types and is now on meds to try to control his condition more.  He is also finally trying to face his finances and take care of his family again that way.  Please help me know what is right to do with a recently diagnosed bipolar husband that I cannot seem to let go of.

[specialmom]

This is not intended to upset you in any way ------- but I am concerned about you.  Why on earth did you have three children with this man?  I can see having the one early on and thinking that maybe he would be a different kind of man but then to add two and then a third . . .  that was not responsible.  Now these children must be subjected to this kind of lifestyle.  I am a big advocate for marriage and trying to work it out.  But this man is an alcoholic and a cheater which are two deal breakers.  You can not have your children in the house with this man.  I think you need to seek therapy for yourself because you have made decisions that are not in the best interest of yourself and your kids.  Co dependency is a real issue and I think you will have to address this in order to ever have a healthy relationship again.  So, please move on with your children and try to provide them with as much stability as possible.  I know it is difficult but it is time for you to be a responsible adult and look at the decisions you yourself have made in this mess.  I am not saying this to hurt your feelings but don't want you to repeat this pattern and continue to live an unhappy life on the edge.  I wish you the best of luck and peace.

[Judy246]

This man, an alcoholic, drug user-seller, financially unstable, unfaithful, untrustworthy, dishonest, liar, walked out on you, your children and unborn child, left you to fend for yourself with bill collectors and the loss of your home, gave you the guilt trip and blame, put you at risk for STD's or HIV. He is not worthy to be called neither your husband or a father and it's time to go and not look back. Let him learn by his mistake, but not to drag you and your children with you. The divorce is the proper thing to do and now surround yourself with good friends and family to help you with what is ahead (your unborn child and a divorce), but as much as you want to see the good in him, what he has done is unexceptable and needs to feel the full consequences for his actions.

Once he has fully recovered and completed therapy, becomes financially stable and marriage counseling if possible, then let him take the first step to reconsiliation if you feel he is worthy of it, but right now, run don't walk or look back.

[AHP84]

Well, he's got quite a track record for those 12 very rocky years. Alcoholism, neglecting and abandoning his family, drug addiction, drug dealing, infidelity (and he's still in contact with her?!), and bi-polar.
While I must say that I am astonished that you didn't divorce him sooner, I can tell that you really love your husband if you have enough faith in him to redeem himself and you're willing to go to great lengths to save your marriage, even with all he's put you and your children through.
No one can tell you what to do with your marriage. It's your decision. It's certainly not wrong to try to fix it with professional help.
However, you have been married for 12 years, and for 12 years, had he made any improvement in anything? I ask because it seems like this guy is a train wreck; it started with one thing, and then his bad decisions and bad judgement kept snow-balling over the years.
I have to say that I'd advise with the rest of your friends and family and finalize the divorce, because everything that he does and everything that he puts you through is not just between you and him--your children are involved each and every day. He might be a "great dad" when all his issues are under control, but he's not been a very great husband, and that, in my opinion, goes hand in hand with being a great dad. He can still be a great dad as a divorced dad; that doesn't have to change.
He's got a LONG history of major problems and bad decisions. His recovery is going to take a long time as well; he's not going to redeem himself overnight, or even by next year. It will take years for him to get back on track and repair the damage he's done to the marriage, your trust, his children's trust, the finances, and his mental health. If you continue in your marriage, you need to expect to go through more pain and suffering during his recovery and rehabilitation. It would be wonderful if you can save your marriage, but you need to consider...at what price to yours and your children's emotional well-being?

I hope things do get better for you and your family. I can't imagine being in the postion you are. God bless.

[nellee]

girl jut let him go you are better than this i have been going through the same **** with my bf for seven years and now im pregnant and im just as confused as you are but you got your kids to worry about he aint worth it trust me it will be hard but it wont hurt forever once your over that loser you will be somuch happyer you wont cry any more and you wont stress you will see plus in my opinion ih he still says that him and tthe other girl are still friens that is complete bull he just wants to keep her on the side in case you leave him and hes tellin her that he will leave you and that hes only there for the kids trust me they have something behind your back and the sex more than likely happened several times not just once i have seeen it too many times before in my own relationship you are better than this kick him to the curb and break his heart like he broke yours so many times before dont let a man have this type of power over you trust me if he really wants to change than he will come back like my bf did and things will be different and if he doesnt hes not worth your time boo