tired of feeling fear!

[noghre111]

I'm a 28 year old female.  8 months ago, one of my best girl friend (which I think of highly), introduced me to her best friend of over 10 years(a guy).  Him and I have been dating since, he is a great guy, loves me and treats me well.  A couple months into our relationship, I started getting super sensitive when my girl friend and him talked on the phone.  I started feeling jealous and very insecure (I'm like this with every guy I date).  Right of the beginning, he seemed very trustworthy, he is definitely the loyal type, one I can trust.

4 months into our relationship, my girl friend (who happened to be my neighbor) moved our of her place and literally just disappeared.  she told me she will be living with her parents for a few months (in another states) studying for her board exam.    My gut was telling me differently, I felt threatened (stopped talking to her), I felt like she was living with my boy friend and not telling me.  I visited his house, no signs of her, but somehow I still knew she was living very close to him.  the past 4 months, i went through his phone twice, and saw text messages that assured me she is living close to where he lives.  but why weren't' they telling me she was there? Still, I didn't say anything.

Fear took over me, and I literally made sure I talk to him once every 30 minutes.  He picked up every single time and talk to me very nicely.  Finally, about two weeks ago, my boy friend told me that she had "just" moved to his neighbor.  I told him I knew all along, and that i wanted to see when he would tell me.  he said he's known about it only 10 days (obviously a big lie because i had seen text messages), and that he didn't want to get in between me and my friend's issues.

shortly after, she called me, wanted to meet.  she said she has been there all along, she didn't even tell my boy friend she lives there, and that she needed to be on her own to study.  (obviously a lie, because he knew).

Now a little on me, I have never trusted any guy in my life.  I am very confident and live a happy life, but when it comes to dating and guys i get SO INSECURE.  My dad left my mom and sister over night when i was 13.  I fear losing someone I love so much, that I  feel it's better to be single than being tortured by fear in a relationships.

At this point in my life, I've been in enough relationships to know that I have a problem trusting guys, and I'm tired of it.  
As much as of trust issues that i have, i decided to forgive my friend and still be in relationship with my boy friend, because i KNOW that there is no sexual relationship between them.  After all, if they wanted to be w/ each other, why introduce me to him?  

I am trying to be forgiving and trusting.  but i CAN'T.  I constantly need re-assurance, and fear he will leave me.I get nervous and take it out on him.  If he doesn't answer his phone for over 30 min, I think he is hanging out with her and not telling me.  Basically, i don't believe ANYTHING he says now. He is bad at communicating (especially on this issue), and basically he doesn't want to hear it ever again, nor will stop being friends with her.

I love him alot, want to be with him, but Inside me, I can't let go of the fact that he hid something like this from me for a few months.  if he can do this, he will always lie to me.

Before I ruin this relationship I want to get help and advice.  After all, I never trusted any guy in my life, so could it be that I'm sabbatoging this relationship with a good guy? I don't want that to happen!

I am tired of feeling fear and anxiety.  I miss feeling secure and it's torturing me from the inside.

[nursegirl6572]

You are very insightful, you know your fear is not justified, and you know that your are overreacting to situations.  I also agree that therapy is warranted here.  You are only going to end up losing your BF AND your friend over your insecurities.  Of course you don't want that to happen.

Best of luck!

[brice1967]

Agreed... it's time for some therapy.  I'm no doctor so I cannot offer any help, just opinions.

I just want you to take a second and look at this sentence from above.  "I've decided to forgive my friend and be in a relationship with my boyfriend because I KNOW there is no sexual relationship between them."

This may be a stretch, but I think you are trying to get the man in your life (you said you're this way with all of your boyfriends) to compensate or over compensate for the relationship you lost when your father took off.

You've admitted that you know that there is no problem, so the right thing to do is move on.  You're asking this guy to apologize or "make it up to you" for something that didn't happen.  Furthermore, phone calls every 30 minutes???  That seems a little over bearing.

[Londres70]

Ditto AnnieBrooke.

It's time for you to seek some intense counseling/therapy.

[AnnieBrooke]

I think it's time to get some therapy.  You're going to create self-fulfilling prophecy after self-fulfilling prophecy if you do not.  People won't even want to tell you innocent things because they know you'll react badly, and then you find out the innocent thing and lo and behold, you react badly.

You feel tortured, but the torture and anxiety is self-imposed.  Just because a key male figure in your life (your dad) acted like a jerk and walked out on the family when you were 13 does not mean every man in the world will do this, and if you cling in desperation to men you might well create the desire to leave that was not there before, even in the best of men.

Please see a counselor, a therapist, a public health worker, or a minister, and get started on your issues.  I don't see you ever having a healthy relationship with a man, if you don't.

Good luck!  The good news is, if you work on this, you can fix it.