dissapointed and hurt

[mckee513]

In my first trimester I found my husband had been looking at porn on his phone. This usually doesn't bother me at all. We watched together a few times but I was in bed when he did this time. I was hurt and crying he said sorry I didn't want to wake you so I just did that instead. Then in my second trimester feeling ugly and huge I saw it in his history again. This time I lost it. A mistake happens once the second time it becomes a choice. He held me and apologized and cried himself. Well now in my third he was googling something he wanted to show me and it was in his history again. I'm beyond angry or hurt how could he not care about something I feel so strongly about? I didn't say anything. What's left to say? He knows he hurt me yet chooses to do so anyway. Anyone with words of wisdom of how I can repair my heart after he has done this repeatedly. I feel like I will never look at him the same again.

[Mrs_Mason0515]

I had something similar happen when my husband and I were dating...

To counteract it, I told him how it made me feel. I told him that i feel degrated, unworthy and unloved when he watches porn. I have many insecurities about my body, due to medications and a couple other things, in the first year of our relationship, I had gained over 30lbs. I explained when he looks at those women, it makes me feel like I am fat and ugly; that I don't attract him anymore. I weighed 98lbs when we got together, I looked like a porn star with my natural DD rack back then. Then some medications ruined my body, and I haven't been able to get the weight off. When I explained how it made me feel, he said he understood, that he'd not do it. To my knowledge, he hasn't, and I am not very trusting, have been through his phone and internet history a million times since then. Now that we are married, I just don't care as much. We have so many bigger issues.

Also, you could try looking at porn that you would like when he's not home. You may come to find that if you find something you like, he finds something he likes, you can keep it a secret from each other, but not feel as bad about it. Compromise is key in any relationship!!

[specialmom]

I've been married many years.  Having a long term relationship is hard and a key componant is picking your battles.  If you feel this is something to hold a grudge over, that is your choice.  You do seem a bit on the edge in terms of easy to anger as even my post to you was met with a small amount of hostility.  Understanding that I didn't write what I did to agitate you further but rather to give you some other things to think about which is the function of a pubic forum.  I do hope it all works out for you and your partner.  good luck

[nursegirl6572]

Nobody said you couldn't or shouldn't feel the way you do.  I can understand you being upset because you have discussed this with him, and he continued to do it.  I get that,.

SM really made some great points.  While I can see you being upset, I too think you're making a lot more out of this than need be.  The saying, "choose your battles" comes to mind.  For one, a lot of men aren't as comfortable having sex while their wife is pregnant...for many reasons.  Mine was like that...he said he just wasn't as relaxed.  Your hubby may feel similar.

Also, he may have actually been putting your needs and comfort first,...thinking, "she's pregnant, tired, the last thing she will want is to have sex".  From what you explained, he did it right there in bed?  If so, it doesn't sound like he was being overly sneaky.  He honestly may have been thinking of you...not wanting to wake you for sex...being that you're pregnant at all.  There's no reason to think he was being insincere when he told you that.

It's hard sometimes to assess a situation reasonably, and see it from several angles.  Again, I understand you being upset...but I think your reaction is strong for the situation.  Porn isn't replacing you.  Like SM said, if you had been very anti-porn from the beginning, I could see you taking such a strong stand...but I think a lot of this could be an overreaction due to a lot of things...feeling insecure because of the pregnancy, being hormonal, being upset because he disregarded your prior conversations about this issue.

Just give it some real thought...tell him again how it makes you feel.  You don't have to talk to him as a way of "giving him another chance"...just again put it out there.  Then try to take into consideration your role in this.  

As for the rest of the thread...the porn debate is one that will always be around...there are people on all sides of this issue...people that despise the idea of it, people who are in the middle somewhere, and people who really don't care, or who enjoy it themselves.  Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but like sm eluded to, in the case of this OP, a certain tone of "acceptance" was set by her with her hubby, so while he certainly knew she was upset, he probably chalked it up to her emotions being all over the place.  I think there are some mixed messages being sent.

Some things just sincerely aren't worth making into a big deal.  I would be willing to bet, mckee, your hubby feels you're just as beautiful and sexy as ever...I think you're being a little hard on him.  Pictures and videos aren't reality.  He comes to bed with YOU every night.  Remind yourself of that.

[Life360_Dave]

Hi Mckee. The thing about relationships that ive learned is that its about 2 people the meet and fall in love and in those begining times act and do things that will attract that person to marriage. As they grow together life habits set in as a comfort level settles. This happens more with the male. Always remember that the little boy in the man will pop up from time to time. For some strange reason this happens more with men that women. Women tend to take more responsibilty than the male and it may have to do with the nurturing aspect of the female, as she is the child barer. The mans role in sex act is to impregnate and then leave the cave to forriage for food and the women is left in the cave takeing care of the house.

Ok we can say that these are new times but non the less, these behaviors are set deep into our nature.
What your husband is doing is playing the little boy looking at dirty pictures and its your job to spank him for being bad.
If you notice those that have been married for many years, often time the husband calls the wife mother and in some ways its true.
In the spanish culture is very common for the wife to call the husband poppie and the husband calls the wife momita.

Dont take his actions as disrespecting or not caring, his just comfortable in his own home and being childishly selfish.

[mckee513]

Specialmom. I have told him all if that. It is only cause I'm pregnant and feeling ugly. Then this. It re affrims I am ugly. He doesn't come to me but to his phone. I'm here when he does this and readily available. I'm not one the pregnant women who don't want sex. I felt beautiful before and was quite fine with looking at it together. This is sneaky and just plain wrong. WW3 it ain't be. I will not fight for the affection I deserve. I'm done with it. He knew how I felt and disregarded my feelings. I will never forgive the hurt he has caused by lying about it. I also disagree with the mixed message. Together is ok alone is wrong. Bottom line. I won't argue with you I feel this way and I have every right to. He should respect my feelings.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Well, let me just say this as a woman that's had a couple of kids myself.  I remember pregnancy well and how emotional and hormonal I was.  In all honesty, I don't see anything different from his looking at porn with you to looking at it alone once in a while.  He's not cheating and you basically are okay with porn if you've engaged with it together.  I wouldn't be livid with him.  I really wouldn't.  Instead, tell him how you are feeling---  unattractive (due to pregnancy), vulnerable and insecure.  You need more affection and reassurance from him.  Don't make this world war three as is it really worth it?  

I'd have a different answer for you if you had said you've always been dead set against porn but it is a mixed message to say we can watch it, no big deal but if you watch it alone----  I'm mad.  

So, try to let this go.  Communicate how you feel about yourself right now and what you need to feel better and move on to a more peaceful state of mind.  good luck

[simplyanonymous]

@Pansie...when in my post did I say it was a "man thing"? I believe that any horny person would find someway to stimulate themselves..being porn or whatever they feel is fitting.

[RockRose]

McKee,  when you look at the porn he is looking at,  is it basically normal sex stuff with women who look fairly similar to you?  If that's the case,  I really think you should work to dismiss this thought process from your mind,  instead of trying to lock him out of a phone.

I know women my husband finds attractive - both in real life and on TV/movies,  and basically they look like me.  Some are prettier,  but they're my "type" of woman.  

Is that the case for you too?  And you only know he's been doing this because you've searched on his phone - he's not doing it to the point that it's becoming a complete distraction.

If I found disturbing images of violence or children,  or  . . . well,  disturbed acts I would be GREATLY concerned - but images of plain old sex with pretty women . . .  I think you should work to try to let go of your anger.

The thing is,  he's looking in public too.  You just don't see it.  That's men.  ;D  Very visual.

[baby2_on_the_way]

make your own porno!!!! sounds weird but then he is jackin off to you not other girls.. have you watched porn? have you seen there fugly faces, fugly bodies, and discustingly large holes!?!?!?! he just needs something to play with himself to because his imagination is lacking the ability to do it for him anymore. and when your porno isn't doing it for him anymore make another KINKIER one!! (only do this if you completely trust your man not to share and if you are comfortable with it))

[rachyrou]

I know i'm posting, again. But it's because this issue has effected me for three years. Porn can be harmless fun for some men, and some women / couples. But there are more issues to it than that ( as I stated above )
The unrealistic expectations of women and the treatment of women, is largely affected by our over sexualisation and porn culture. Porn can be dangerous, some sites have no boundaries, so some men could be watching normal porn... then they see a few links to ...Rape porn, violent porn, abduction porn... they watch it, and start enjoying it.. they don't see the harm because it's all over the internet.. some even normal porn is agressive towards the women.. slapping the face... being very agressive during oral.. lets not forget alot of women in the porn industry come from being abducted and forced into it.. Oh and have you heard of the lovely "creep shots" craze? it's where men send in photos or videos, of women they capture in public.. eg hidden cameras in toilets, taking photos down womens tops, up their skirts, and posting them online, without consent obvoiusly. this world is going hateful and very misogynistic towards women. It's actually sad that some people don't know some of the awful things going on behind the scenes.

[Pansie]

I agree @glorytogod @rachyrou @shawna , my bf has insecuritys like when I speak to men or if a blokes got his top off I dont look at other men and avoid speaking to men at all costs,  because relationships are built on trust. And plus I only love him I dont want anyone else. I also am a Christian and Catholic and believe it is a sin to watch porn! But I know some people are accepting of it thats fine if thats ok with them I aint judging.

[rachyrou]

Also simplyanonymous, my other half was using porn INSTEAD of coming to me. I'd be upstairs waiting for him to come to bed (waited 2/3 hours every night on average) he was masturbating to porn. He wasn't sleeping with me. I found the history and was so hurt that I was replaced. It was like I wasn't good enough, I didn't look like them. Porn can easily make men feel women are objects and should act, look and dress a certain way. It destroyed my relationship. He even moved on to talking to other women (sexual messages with someone he had slept with before me,) and then looking at girls in our area that popped up on facebook. So porn DID lead to him viewing me as not important and women as objects. I have told him if I ever find it again, I'll be gone. For good. Because he has made me very depressed with his lies, dishonesty and generally being a pig. Obviously not every man who watches porn ends up doing that. But porn is dangerous for how women are being viewed and treated in society today. I'd happily provide links to examples of how women are being treated. Like I said, good for you if you don't have an issue, But we have the RIGHT to our feelings.

[KTowne]

I haven't read the PP, but I think it's actually a GOOD thing he's not hiding it, or deleting it after he watches it, it's showing that he isn't trying to hide anything. I think your best bet is to sit down and talk with him about it, try to do it when you're not fueled up and hurt (as hard as that can be) and let him know how much this hurts you, if he continues, tell him you'll want him to go to a counselor or marriage counseling about it. To get it all out there where you can both understand each others POV. I would also tell him (if you're willing) whenever he's bored and horny, try to reach out to you, not porn. Try to spice things up a bit (that can be hard while pregnant, I know!), and get things back between the two of you, it will give you a confidence boost and stop his habit. Good luck hun!

[rachyrou]

Also there is a trust issue there. If he does it, hurts his girlfriend. Promises he wont do it again, and does, thats a major break of trust, and if it happens again, and again? that's not the womans fault because she doesn't like porn, It's the mans fault for breaking promises and doing things he knows hurts her feelings. If a bloke is single then whatever, but if he's with someone who clearly states they don't agree with porn and it DAMAGES their confidence and mental health, yes he should stop, or say he can't, and leave.

[glorytogod]

And btw, my first husband did this to me, plus started drinking problem along with porn. Notice I said first. We never went to church and fought it. We just let the devil walk right in and take whatever he wanted. Please don't make same mistakes. Seek and you will find what you need in church. Protect your marriage. The couple that prays together, stays together. I learned this the hard way. God bless you and your family :)

[rachyrou]

simplyanonymous I'm afraid I found your post rude. Yes I am insecure. I was in a violent relationship at a young age and have never been the same since. I don't have to accept porn if I do not wish to do so. I have never watched it myself ad whilst in a relationship I only feel sexual towards my partner! You can't TELL people how to feel. I wish I could be ok with it but i'm not. I find porn degrading to women and believe it is ruining men's perception of women (Recent studies are showing this) Also it's easy for men to become attatched to this crazy reality of what women should look and act like that they don't feel attracted to their partners. I have tried letting it go, but why should I? If I were doing something that was destroying my other half's self esteem I would stop doing it, because I love him. Shame he couldn't do the same for me. The way you posted, swearing etc came acrross as very rude and judgemental towards those who don't like porn. Like I said, there is no rule that you have to "put up " with your other half watching that crap. Sexualisation of women is everywhere. Adverts, magazines, music videos, porn. It is destroying how men treat women and I wont be part of it, thats my choice. I would NEVER be happier saying to my boyfriend, and father of my children. "look at all the naked women you want"  that would not make me happier. Look back a while ago, where films where less explicit, where music videos didn't exist, where women were dressed decently etc. Where men treated women (generally) with a bit more respect and romance. I hate the way the world is changing.

[shawna_26]

@ glorytogod. I totally agree with that cause I was looking up scripture when I found out because I wanted to make sure I wasn't over reacting but it is a sin and an addiction. Some people try to make it seems like its ok and its a guy thing but that's the worlds view

[glorytogod]

If a man looks upon a woman with lust in his heart, he has broken Gods command and therefore has sinned against God. The devil is like a hungry lion, learking to see who he can steal, kill, and destroy. Don't let the devil in your marriage. The devil is a liar. Protect your home. Take your husband to church and get Pastor and elders to pray over you both. Don't have to say what for, cuz God will know why you're there. Seek Jesus and ask for His hedge of protection around you and your family, in Jesus name.

[shawna_26]

Yea and when they do that it makes u feel more insecure cause it makes u feel like ur not enough if they have to look at other girls

[Pansie]

I dont agree @simplyanonymous I get so annoyed when I hear its just a man thing - no it aint what b4 tv was invented - was it a man thing then? NO! I believe its cheating to look at naked people other then ur partner , I would love to live in the old days before all this s**t , when love was true love. Im not being nasty it just fobs me off to actually see how many people are hurt and very upset cuz there man watched porn and u turn around and blame it on a typical male!!! Well im not seeing ur point

[Raedawn76]

I dont think it's to pass judgement and say get over your insecurity. A relationship is a two way street, IF something the other is doing knowingly HURTS the other it shouldn't be done. Everyone has reasons they feel insecure. Bad child hood, abuse, neglect, bad self esteem...it isn't an easy thing to overcome and one should NOT DEAL with porn if it does make them feel less of a person. PERIOD. It has a lot to do with trust, when someone is lying or hiding it effects trust in a relationship.
Just felt your message was a little harsh.

[searra]

My huby did that once and I lost my mind im a christian but with a temper. I made him leave but went outside yelling to,the neighbors this mans a pervert!! And threw  rocks at his car big ones. I think he knows  better now I kinda took his man card for a few weeks but he knows now that thats not going to fly in my house. I also got my uncle to give me scripters to show him what the bible has to say about it.

[mckee513]

Listen simply. Iam insecure! He knows that. Then looking at women I could never add up to... Glad you don't care but guess what I do and my feelings should count.

[shawna_26]

The thing that ***** the most is that they don't know how it makes us feel and then when u tell them how u feel they still don't get it. I can  Gaurentee it would bug them tho if they found a bunch of naked dudes on our phone well maybe