bun in the oven

[thenextRonaldinho]

I am turning 21 and have a baby on the way
this is no laghing matter let me tell you

abortion is out of the question..and i dont have a problem with that...the problem is money
she has no income..currently schooling..im currently in university..awaiting my time to study abroad coming this summer

im leaving for europe to persue an athletic dream (about 2 months before shes due.
heres the problem ..she wants me to give up something i've worked for my whole life..knowing its going to be extremtly tough on her alone.

at the same time i feel guilty thus debating a change in plans.
our relationship is heading down dramaticly spirtually..and if you did the math...you know we are not sexually active.
.shes developing a passionate Hate towards me..assuming im never gonna return

its coome down to if i leave ...were finished...and i dont want this..thus torn between the life with her here...or a career iv'e dreamed about for decades.

my question----what would you do.?

[waitingwithhope]

Your priority is with your child (I am assuming it is yours?). Honor your commitments and the rest will fall into place, even if it takes longer to do so. Once you make a baby, everything changes...she can't walk away from this either. Don't see it as messing up your life--see it as an opportunity for growth and maturity. Sometimes our goals have to shift and change due to circumstances--even a sports injury can finish a career very quickly. Go to plan B now and you never know, plan A still may work out in the end, but at least you have done the honorable thing. You will be rewarded for that in life.

[jenstam]

You know that s e x can lead to pregnancy...that being said, if your plans were as important as you state they are, you could have prevented that and you didn't. Now you have a child and it's no longer "ME" it's "WE". This baby and the mother of your child should now be your #1 priority. Priorities change. You have obstacles and you can overcome them. Make a new plan that includes all of you. Be there for her and your unborn child. That is the right thing to do.

[mami1323]

I agree 100% with the above posters.  Although it may seem harsh, you two decided to have unprotected sex and took the chance of conceiving a child.  Now that it has happened you want to just abandone your child and the mother for your own career.  She can't think only of herself now and I'm sure her plans have changed due to the pregnancy.  Just because the baby is coming does not mean that your life is over.  Yes, it causes a strain and yes it is difficult but you need to work around this challenge now.  You need to figure out what would be best for all of you now not just what's easy and convenient for you.  There are other ways of making your career work, you just have to come up with some new ideas.  Remember it's not this child's fault so don't become resentful to the baby or the mother.  You were equally responsible for this child and to place blame because your career paths may not be what you bargained for is not fair.  

[RockRose]

What are all your options here?  

Are you talking about one summer,  and that's it,  and then you'd be back?  Or are you talking about studying this summer,  then staying for years apart?

Does she have an option to come with you if you are going to be gone for years?

It seems like there's a lot of flexibility here,  it doesn't have to be all one way or all the other.

The other obvious choice is considering adoption,   but it doesn't sound like she'd be open to that.

How open is she to other types of compromise,  in the short term?

[PlateletGal]

I agree with the posters above. Your priority should be your girlfriend and your baby.

[slow_healer]

Unfortunately I have to agree with the previous posters, as much as you might not want to hear it. This is the reality of having a child (not to mention unprotected sex). Life isn't a cut and dry plan, either, so don't think that your life will be over because of this.

If you run from this, it will haunt you for the rest of your life. If you give up your career ambition, it will hurt. Either way it's going to hurt, but decide, be anry and get over it. You will have a child to raise either way, and you need to start thinking about that. I'm inclined towards the child (obviously), as this athletic opportunity won't walk up to your in 20 years and call you an ******* for abandoning them and their mother. That's dramatic, I know, but it certainly does happen.

If you feel like your girlfriend hates you, it's because she's terrified that you're going to leave her to deal with this alone. It's hard NOT to feel angry in that situation. If your relationship is suffering it's because of the STRESS. It's called bad circumstances, and any two people in your situation would be led to believe that everything is wrong about them. The reality is if this accident has not happened you two would probably still be happy puttering along your pre-conceived path in life. Don't give up on your relationship.

[thenextRonaldinho]

the last thing i would want to do is abandon her
i love her, i cant imagine my life with out her,forever that is, i actually believe i care for her more then she does me at this point.but i cant imagine my life with out football.(soccer if your north american)
here arre some tthings to consider;

she has many friends and support from her family
im going for one year(which i know is really harsh)
but its part of my program, if i dont go i wont graduate period
i already told my big brother to send her a fair amount of money every month or so untill i return

the actuall chance of becoming pro while having to study european studies as a back up plan is pretty daym hard..so there is a risk factor here..id say about 50 % chance
i kno if i could make it, money wont be a problem, and id come running back to her fatster then you can say BABY.

heres where my family and I see the problem about her >>>><<<<<
even if i wansn't persuing a dream i would need these credits over seas to graduate, she knows this, and yet still cant let me go without despising me
furthermore, shell be lonely for ten months..God knows what she'll do

lissen...i think i deserve to go...if not persue a dream..at least finish my school so i can come back and get a decent job to support the two of us
other then this option...i really dont see how WE would make it
i know my first priority is her and the little one cumming.
but if she can pull through for only one year, i know we can have a decent, normal life togeather...if she doesnt cheat on me that is..with some dude sub-consciously for support instead of love.

Thanks for the support and opinions...they are putting me in perspective

[waitingwithhope]

You hinted and mentioned more than once of the possibility of her cheating on you should you leave and go away for the year. And, in the tone of your post, it does not sound as if you are completely in love with her. It sounds like you feel that you made mistake by creating this baby, that you feel that the relationship is not on solid ground already (so why stay if it is not solid and a 100% for sure?) and that you are thinking there is a good chance that if you leave--she will find someone else to support her emotionally (does that mean you already know deep down you can't do this? or does this mean you don't trust her at all?)

A year is a long time to be away. If you leave, she most likely will feel hurt, rejected and that she and the baby were not worthy enough of your time and attention. While it sounds like you will support her financially, the mother of your child is probably more concerned right now about the possibility of raising a child alone, being a single mother and being the one to crawl out of bed every night for hours at a time to look after a baby you both created while tears roll down her cheeks because she misses you and is hopelessly alone and scared all by herself with this baby that reminds her of you every time she looks at him/her.

This baby is your legacy. Your child. Your flesh and blood. Your decisions now may alter the course of his/her life and the way he/she views you. Yes, your relationship may not last--I sense by the tone of your post that you sense it won't and that it is probably over with. However, you can't go back in time and recreate moments with your child- their first smile, first word and all the bonding that could go on--happens once. The longer you are gone and out of the picture, the more likely it is someone will step in and take your place. She will need someone--it is difficult to raise a child on your own. And are you comfortable with someone else being called daddy and not you and reaching their chubby baby arms into the air to be picked up and fathered by some other man?

You can be the hero in this situation. It sucks what is happening--but it is happening. I think I would suggest you still look into other options for staying. That does not mean saving the relationship. If it is gone, it is. But maybe you could coach? Maybe you can ask for them to hold off this for a year or more until you have more time to decide. Being a father is more than financial, it is more than a few brief appearances and he/she won't care as much that you are a great athlete. They will be proud you stayed by their side.

Please know that this woman can not raise a child on her own, even with family help, without this causing great strain and anxiety on her. You can walk away and leave, but she can't. A child is a lifelong commitment. I really hope you explore other options for staying around. If the relationship is not to be, be honest with her. But, for the sake of your child--the one who will have your eyes and who will reach for you when he/she takes his/her first steps--be there. Time can't go backwards....honor the commitment and you will see that life will reward you too in ways you didn't think possible.

[jenstam]

I honestly do not understand where you are coming from still. Maybe this doesn't seem real to you yet...I don't know. But you seem very selfish. MANY of us have had plans for our lives and our priorities changed once we had a child. If your football was SO important then you shouldn't have participated in unprotected sex. Period. I do not suggest running off to a different country now, unless the Mother of your unborn child is along with you and you are involved in the pregnancy and birth of your child together. Being a parent is the most unselfish role in the world if you take it seriously. There are people who take their responsibilities seriously when it comes to parenting and there are others who choose to continue to live their lives selfishly for themselves. I guess I don't even see why taking off when you have a child on the way is even an OPTION. But that is just my opinion. You seem to come up with lots of excuses as to why you need to leave, sounds like you're trying to convince yourself and others. Supporting your child financially is only a very small part of your responsibility. Your child will someday have his or own opinion of you. It's up to you to shape that opinion.

[PlateletGal]

Do you really want to miss the birth of your baby ?

[thenextRonaldinho]

obviously i dont want to miss the birth...

im going to assumm that ya'll are mothers who literally live for their children.
what about a perspective from a dude.

[RockRose]

There are a lot of things to consider here.  

Men who are in the military do exactly what you are hoping to do - they go off for a year,  because of career demands.  Men who are in med school when their wives or girlfriends accidentally become pregnant don't suddenly free up all their time,  they are basically absent.  

So I can see the perspective that you should continue your plans,  but can you do that while maintaining a family  commitment.   It seems like you have ENORMOUS plans,  and you have had those plans all along.

SO.  What kind of commitment do you have to her?    Would she feel differently if you married her,  and then went on to fulfill your other dreams?  

Is there a possibility she could come live with you after the baby is born?

I'm kind of curious how this pregnancy happened - (not the nitty gritty details,  obviously).  You seem very very focused,  and it's kind of hard to believe in this day with the morning after pill,  a pregnancy would be an accident like this for two educated people.  

I really sense your yearning to reach your very high goals,   and I hope somehow you are able to compromise and still not abandon your child.

Best wishes.

[PlateletGal]

Your assumption isn't correct. I don't have children.

[PlateletGal]

Can your girlfriend go with you to Europe after the baby is born ?

[hatrick03]

You said abortion is out of the question. What about adoption? Your situation is not a good one. She has no income. What is she planning to do - make her family pay for it? I'm assuming she wants you to quit school and work? You're sure that you'll lose your opportunity to finish school if you opt out of the soccer trip? My 19-year-old brother is a soccer player too, on scholorship - if he doesn't play soccer, he doesn't get the scholorship. But, say he got a girl back at home pregnant. I think my family would expect him to do the right thing, get a job and go to community college. Yes, he's an adult, but my parents pay for his apartment and car, so things could get difficult for him if he didn't listen to them. This is your CHILD - you made the choice to procreate, so now you need to take responsibility. You both need to put your differences aside and think about the child. If she keeps the baby, can continue your education locally?

People need to make more responsible choices and realize that unplanned pregnancies have an impact on our society, and also, every new person we add to the planet impacts its environment - it's not just about you and your personal problems. I hate to preach, but with all of the birth control methods out there, and the fact that sex is a choice, not a must have, it's troubling to read about these things.

[thenextRonaldinho]

thank you rock rose

we did use a condom but no birth control..which i guess was a mistake
nono i mean a blessing.

i do ponder the idea of spending the rest of my life with her..if i can convince her to pull through this obstacle...
truthfullly...i think she knows i dont want to lose her and is playin the leave but dont come back game...tryin to get me to stay and jus work
our families are both below middle class and i just dont see how even if i were to stay  how it woulld be better financially..emotionally yes..but not financially
we both lost our virginities to each other...
i am committed to her...

marriage not any time soon though,,thats another whole issue which will
inevtibly set us back financially
but sure .....we've discussed this..then again shes 20 im 21
we are too young to know exactly if were going to be togeather forever

if things worked out overseas...daym straight i would send for her to come if she was commited to me
so im still confuses man...i dont want to be ******* of a man
but sometimes i think......if she really loved me wouldn't she understand im tying to not only do this for me..but her as well

[thenextRonaldinho]

yea but see my family is ghetto

im their ticket out of this less then fortunate life they have liver for years

they are decent hard working people...that always tell me she has her family plus mine for support..for one year only...
she knows all of this
she wants to be the number one prioroty and mayb she is

but my family has been hoping this would come through for years
and no if i dont go i wont graduate period...theres new way -ive looked at every option
i would hafta work a **** job untill i could save up money to pay for school all over again...

[thenextRonaldinho]

giving up a kid for adoption..are you kiddin me? thats out of question

we are not drug atticts..thats so wrong

[otot_mu_bahu]

i don't agree in giving up your dreams just because your GF got pregnant.
of course, your baby is a blessing which is the case why you are in dilemma right now.

if i were in your shoes, i would pursue my goal but i would assure my GF that i would support the child financially.  it's not that i'm leaving because i want to get away from this responsibility but this is also for the future of the child.

on the other hand, it may likely be a good choice in staying with your GF, in anyway since you can be with your child.  However, as you have said, your relationship is already at bay.  Nonetheless, it will still come to an end wherein both of you will suffer, plus the child.  and of course there will also come a time when everything falls apart, you may find yourself blaming her for everything (like giving up your dreams).

So i say, go on with your dreams.

that's just an opinion...thanks

[lullabloom]

Taking her along kills 2 birds with one stone: you can persue your dream as well as see your baby grow.
I assume your gf would stay at home and care for the baby anyways so it's not like she has any commitments.

The reason I see this as an easy option is because I'm german, I've been living abroad a couple times myself and now support all foreign students at my home university, some bringing their whole family along.
Now, I have no idea which country you go to but every university has a support system helping you with all the paperwork, getting financial support (yes you can apply for that as a foreign student depending on the country), and a place to live together with your gf and baby...some universities even have student housing designed for students with children!

And whatever the university can't tell you, call the embassy of the country you go to and really, they are the most helpful people!

It's easier than you think ;)

[hatrick03]

Adoption isn't just for drug addicts, lol. It's for people who aren't in a good position to be raising a child.

[thenextRonaldinho]

your right

my apoligies to all the drug addicts out there

[barn babe]

Is abortion off the table because of where she is in the pregnancy?

Because it is one option if this just isn't the right time to have a child for the two of you.

[kris123]

I don't know but I think everyone should persue their dream.  There are ways to work this out and not give up your dream.  You can do anything if you put your mind to it.  Talk to your girlfriend and ask what she thinks.  Like Rock Rose said maybe you could visit her, be there for the birth, let her come see you etc ..  I have an 11 year old, a baby on the way and living with my parents and I have a dream also and I'm not giving that mine.  I am going back to school and I am going to work - will this take time away from my kids - yes, but I am not going to do so much that I will never see them.  I will plan ahead and make sure that I spend time with them.  I am going to work part time  I want a life for them, give them what they need.  I got my family to help me.  If she has her family, then that is a plus.  I just don't think you should give up on your dream without looking at how you can work this out.  If you give it up, then you may resent your girlfriend and your baby.  I believe in God with all my heart and I don't know if you do, but He always has a way of working things out.  Good luck.