help!

[whattodo435]

Ok, I have really screwed up and I am sure you guys will crucify me which is fair enough but I woudl like some thoughts.

I was dating a guy for 3 years but due to his messy break up with his ex I decided that it would work better to keep our relationship a secret until she had found a new partner and was happy again. This however, basically gave him an excuse to cheat and he was effetively living a secret life.

We had sent some stupid texts while he remained with his ex and although they had agreed to split they were still living together and clearly they were stupid and caused her pain so I completely deserve the angst I am suffering knowing that I completely wasted my time and saw loads of friends marry and move their lives on while I waited on a cheater basically.

When he was found out as a cheat by us both he decided I could never forgive him and he has been working on things with her. I have been told so many lies by both him and her it seems.

I want the best for him and cheatign on me has made him happy and I guess you have to look after number one or else no-one else will. I am not bitter towards him and hope he is really happy.

My issue is that thinking about another relationship opens up all the old wounds - i wouldnt be able to say anything to him about my past and I am sure that I will be super paranoid which will drive him away for sure. And I guess I will always be wondering if he is truly happy or looking to trade me in for a better model.

My issue is that everything I read says surround yourself with friends, talk to people, get it off your chest etc but the only person I can talk to is him (and I am not in a position to confide in anyone else). I want the best for him and dont want a relationship with him again so it is not awkward in that sense but probably not that healing although I do feel better after speaking to someone about, getting upset, frustrated and trying to understand why.

Any idea please

[Ashelen]

It's definitely a good idea to talk, but you can do that right here in anonymity. You SHOULD surround yourself with friends and family, but that's not always possible.

You HAVE to give yourself time to heal. And the biggest thing to realize is....if you can't talk to your future partners about your past in complete honesty, and learn to trust them despite the pain you've been through...that person is not the right one for you. So don't worry about that, because if you find that a guy you're dating 5 months from now is too difficult to talk with about your past...probably a good sign that he's not The One.

Just calm down and try to take some time to yourself and not plan on jumping into another relationship any time soon, or you WILL be consumed by paranoia. Heal...and figure yourself out in the mean time.

And it's good that you realized that being the "other woman" rarely gets you anywhere....you know to avoid this in the future. That's one lesson learned and it will help you find a better guy in the future.

[whattodo435]

I wasnt the "other woman" knowingly - not sure if that came across properly.
I think that it is OK typing a message, but clearly not as good as talking to somone properly which is why I ocassionally speak to him to vent my frustration - all he says is "sorry" and at least I am not your problem anymore which I find very frustrating!

I will never be in a position to tell a guy I am dating of my past as I wouldnt want to tell them something but then say dont tell anyone so I am not too sure how I will ever be able to have a relationship 100% based on trust. And I guess I will never ne naive and in love again as I will always be wanting to protect myself from this hell again.

As I say, I am really happy for him and completely understand why he would want to cheat - why stay faithful adn see a better option walk past?

[jdesouza]

Hi,
Don't beat yourself up so much. It's easy to make mistakes when you care about someone and it is good that you are not bitter. It definitely is time to move on from your ex. and let him figure things out on his own. It will make it much easier for you to meet someone new and get things back in order. Don't stress that much about telling your next boy friend about what happened as it probably seems worse to you than it will sound to him.
Take a deep breath and move on from this guy.

[whattodo435]

So would you suggest that I dont speak with him depsite the fact that it makes me feel better?

[mami1323]

It only temporarily relieves the pain but you come out more frustrated and upset so there is no point to it. Plus I'm not sure why you would want to talk to him when he is the one who hurt you. Nor do I understand what you want or expect from having this conversation with him and rehashing the pain over and over. Maybe you expect him to say he's sorry or made a mistake and wants you and not her. I think you need to cut him off altogether and move on with your life. I wouldn't worry about talking about your past with some other guy. In all honesty its not really a subject that needs to be talked about. Even though you don't feel like you will love or trust again, you will. In time this will just be a distant memory. We live, we learn and we love. You will be just fine. There are many loves that will enter and exit our lives for a reason. He was a life lesson for you and you just need to see it as that.

[specialmom]

No,  do not speak to him.  Speak to a therapist.  That is the best chance to sort through your feelings.  You lived this secret life for a long time and a professional can guide you through why and how this happened and prepare you to move on and not go down this road again.  

You were lied to but for a very long time.  Three years of believing someone was broken up and just waiting until their "ex" that they lived with would find someone else . . .  well, you see what I'm saying.  You were lied which stinks but you were also willing to go along with this scenario for a long time.  Even if he wasn't lying, you were willing to accept a sub par relationship. I think you should examine this.  

I would think that developing a close friend that you can share all of yourself with would be helpful.  You aren't the only woman that has made a mistake and if I was girlfriends with someone and they told me this, I'd not judge them.  I'm a friend even when my friends screw up.  

Make sure you fill your life with things outside of men and pursue what interests you in life. What you share with someone is your own business.  You don't have to give every nitty gritty detail.  You can express that you were in a long term relationship with someone that was lying to you and cheated and it hurt you.  And you are ready for a better  and more fulfilling relationship.

Good luck and wishing you peace in your heart in getting over this.

[iam1butterfly]

Support systems are always important and I would highly encourage you to discuss this with someone... however, I would think that it would be odd and uncomfortable having him as your confidant. So, I would say, if you can trust him to speak honestly and in an unbiased manner about the relationship, go ahead and confide in him. The only thing is, given his track record... he doesn't strike me as being particularly honest. And, as for unbiased... well, I don't see how the offending party can speak any degree of neutrality. Don't you have at least one close friend to give you an objective perspective on this? Have you considered joining a local support group to help you process your feelings?

[teko]

"He" is the one person in the world you should not be speaking with about your feelings or anything else for that matter. He made his choice and needs to devote 100% of his time to his choice. You being in the picture for whatever reason is not good for him and his wife, nor for you. IMO you need to turn your back on the past and put one foot in front of the other going forward. It will not be easy, it will not be fun. It is the only thing you can do in order to move on with your life. Time will help and hopefully you will meet someone that is free to develop a trusting relationship that will last forever. Yes it is still out there, you just waylayed it all by getting involved with someone who was not available. As far as trusting someone else, that will come as well and I would bet you will meet someone that you can trust with your past that you may not be real proud of. When you meet the right person, this stuff just sorta happens, you will see.

[whattodo435]

Thanks for all the advice, and sorry my post was not clear.
He was no longer in a relationship or still living with his ex. He had moved out and bought a new place by himself which enabled him to start two completely new relationships.
He has enhanced his life by lying to me so I dont blame him given how happy has has been and has made his life now. I have no issue with that
Mami, thanks for the comments and he has already said he is sorry - although I think probably more sorry that he was caught. I dont want him back and short term pain relief is better in my book than none at all!
For a few reasons, there is no-one that I can speak to apart from him which is at the crux of my issue.
Oh, and everyone talks about it takes time - any ideas how long. I wasted three years with someone who didnt care about me at all and now I am wasting more time trying to recover. I guess that is the only reason I an a bit envious of him - he has had a great three years and it has springboarded him into a really happy life. But from his perspective why not and he freely admits that he has totally prospered.

[mami1323]

There is no way to say how long it will take.  Everyone handles these things in their own time.  Some people love so deeply that they have trouble getting over relationships, some people bounce right back.  I know it takes me a good amount of time to move on but once you do, it's such a great feeling.  Short term pain relief will make the heartache last that much longer.  Every time you speak with him you are opening up the door to continuing the pain.  It is like your drug and when you go through rehab, you stop cold turkey.  That's what you have to do here.  If you don't have friends then go out and make some.  That should be your focus, not him and what he's doing or how happy he is.  Frankly, if he was soooo happy, he wouldn't of felt the need to live double lives.  You have to force yourself to move forward and if you don't, I feel you will be stuck in limbo a lot longer than you have to be.  Good luck.

[whattodo435]

i have loads of friends fortunately but none in whom it would be appropriate to speak about htis with - guess I was lying to them too thinking it was just a matter of time so in some ways was a white lie and would never hurt them in any way. Would rather not have everyone know I was duped and I was stupid!

[mami1323]

We all make mistakes and I'm sure they have as well.  If they are your true friends they wouldn't judge you but support you and make you feel better.  You don't have to tell everyone, just one or two that you can confide in and who can help you through this tough time.  You need to lean on someone and that someone shouldn't be the man who made you feel the way you feel right now.

[specialmom]

I agree that the time it takes is different for everyone.  I think the busier you get with life, the faster time will go.  Those loads of friends you have, call them and start going and doing things you enjoy.  You do not have to talk about what is happened.  I sense that you feel a bit ashamed and embarrassed.  I'm guessing far more women have wound up in your position than you think.  Some are actually married and find out their spouse has lied to them and was cheating.  So you were in a relationship with a liar that cheated.  No different.  

But you don't have to get into details.  Just tell them you were in a relationship that went bad and you don't want to talk about it and start putting some distance between yourself and this relationship.

As to talking to someone, I'm thinking a therapist.  Therapists can help you sort out your feelings.  They guide you through and listen without any judgement.  They are on your side.  I am glad you  are happy for his happiness . . . but the guy is a jerk.  And I'd like for you to be able to say that and mean it someday!  Who cares if he is happy?  He's a jerk and probably get what he gives someday, in my opinion.  I'm not telling you to hold onto anger but I think it would be good to acknowledge it a little.

So is therapy an option for you?

[whattodo435]

I dont think so - I hate that sort of thing and at the end of the day they cant turn back the clock anymore than I can. He did call me last night and said how happy he and his partner are which is great - he knows that I am really happy for them. I did tell him I wish I hated him but I just dont.

[whattodo435]

as a voice of reason, is it really possible for them to be so happy after what he did to her? he says they get on great and it is all going perfectly and that he is very lucky. he is not saying that to be hurtful i am sure, but i cant believe they never discuss it and she never mentions it.

[mami1323]

What is it going to take for you to get mad at him? He cheated on you and lied to you for 3 years. He dumps you and says he wants to make it work with her. Then he calls you to gloat about how happy they are. Why do you still talk to him or answer his calls? He is unbelievably insensitive and cruel. You are defending him and saying you are happy for them, do you see nothing wrong with this picture? Where is your self worth? You should be saying f-ck him, he's a jerk! He used me, hurt me, emotionally abused me and I'm done. Change your phone number and start over fresh.

[specialmom]

Think of it this way.  That relationship had enough issues that they broke up and he was with you as well during it.  How happy could they be?  Not very.  I would NOT take phone calls from this guy.  Ever.  Be strong here.  You don't need that contact.  Is a therapist an option?  I think it would help because I sense something is a bit amiss with your reaction to all this.  I know you say I don't think therapy is an option but I am wondering why.  You are very wrapped up in a past hurtful relationship and unable to move forward it seems.  Perhaps a professional can get you over the hump.  There is a better man out there for you but you need to let this past relationship go and move on.  Instead of being happy for them, be happy for yourself and your future.  It will be so much better than this.  good luck

[imanaddict]

I agree with the other ladies, especially the last 2 posts. I'll just be blunt here..you need to stop communicating with him and start relying on your friends for support, not the one that double crossed you. What exactly do you get out of the conversations you have with him to ease your pain? All he talks about is how crazy happy he is with his girlfriend, so how does that make you happy?

[whattodo435]

I dont know - I think the point is that it is only when I speak with him that I feel like I am not a liar. He is the only person that I feel knows me properly and the only one that I can tell how I feel which always helps. Typically I speak, feel better and he says little apart from he is sorry and that he never meant it to be like this.
I am happy for him - I couldnt make him happy in the way that I thought I did and now he has found happiness with someone else. I am not so churlish to wish ill on him - I wanted the best for him when we were together and he is a fun guy so why not now just because I wasnt right for him?
I am not so much wrapped up in the relationship, the hardest bit to get past is not that, more that I have all the consequences of his actions rather than him which is tough to accept and move past.

[specialmom]

I'm starting to sound like a broken record so may have to beg out of this discussion.  You spend a significant portion of your time talking about him, his happiness, etc. etc. etc.  What about you?  If you don't start focusing on yourself-------  I'm going to get worried about you.  

You need to stop talking about him, talking to him, and get on with your life.  What can you do this weekend that would be fun?  Do it and start living life again.

[specialmom]

I want you to know that I do have high hopes for you to be able to start over and find happiness.  Even if that guy had chosen you-----------  he would not have been a good catch at all.  He's a lyer, cheat, low character kind of person.  He had two women at once and lied to at least one of them.  So don't make him into some kind of saint.  It is okay to miss him but be realistic about what he is.  You need a better person in your life than that.

Call up one of your friends and just suggest getting together.   Don't talk about the relationship---------  just do something with people that gets you out of the frame of mind that takes you back to that past.  

You will have to decide that you want to move on.  Why isn't therapy an option, by the way?  wish you luck no matter what.

[imanaddict]

specialmom took the words right out of my mouth (or hands rather..lol). Girl, it's time to start focusing your attention back toward you rather than him. I went through something similar several years ago and I know exactly how you feel. I was married to a jerk of a man who cheated on me (and hit me!) constantly. I was so dependent on him, I took it. He had me feeling as if I deserved everything I got and he broke me down. My self esteem was gone. I got pregnant and big shocker, he denied the baby. I stayed with him for 7 years but I finally got sick of it and left for good. It took about 6 months to get him out of my system. He married a girl he cheated on me with and she treats him just as horrible (if not worse) than he did me. We share a son so we have to talk regularly but it's not that way for you. I devoted ALL my time to my family, friends, church and getting ready to bring our son into the world. I started dating about 2 months after I gave birth and even though they were rebounds, it helped pass time and gave me something else to do and think about. A year and a half after I left I met my current husband whom I adore and he worships the ground I walk on. He is sooooo incredibly good to me (I could go on all day about him =)  There is light at the end of the tunnel sweetie! I promise! It may not see m that way now, but there is. You will never be able to move forward if you can't let go of the past. It is what it is, accept what you can't change and let it go. Focus on YOU and you alone for a while. Go do some things that you have wanted to do. Go to the spa, go shopping, go out for dinner and drinks with your friends. Go skiing or hiking, or a trip if you can with girlfriends. That would be the best possible thing you can do right now. Your self esteem has taken a hit and it needs to rebuilt. Don't continue to let it get you down, get up and go girl!!

[mami1323]

I agree with specialmom on this one as well. Until you realize that this man is a piece of poo you will find yourself repeating the same thing over and over again and perhaps it will be with another creep. You've sacrificed your happiness for his. Its not that you have to wish him bad but to not recognize him for all the nasty things he did to not only you but another woman shows that you aren't really seeing things clearly. That worries me as well. I agree you need to let him go out of your life. Someone else can get to know you sometime again in the future. I also think you need to consider therapy.

[imanaddict]

One more thing, the consequences of him cheating is not your cross to bear, it's his. Karma will come back on him one day for that. One day he will know the pain of being cheated on. Yeah he says his life is all sunshine and roses right now, but I guarantee it will come back on him one day. It always does...