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how to deal with boyfriend's fear of marriage
Hi. I just want to get advice from anyone who could help.
It's like this. My boyfriend comes from a family of "mostly failed marriages" and he is also a child out of wedlock. His dad recognized him as his son but are not with them because his dad was actually married with kids that time. his mom works in another country so he was left to his grandparents and was, at some point, disciplined. But his mom stepped in so he was given a lot of freedom since. A cousin he grew up with have several children from different women but is married. His granddad from his dad's side also cheated on his grandmother though they still stayed together after that. He's accepted by his dad's family, except his dad's wife who was angry with them til death, and there are a lot of others in his family who embodies failed marriage one way or another.
He says he want to have daughters because his lineage (family name) will end with him. He also said he tried to change his last name but his grandma stopped him as a sign of acceptance (I guess) to his dad.
He said he wanted to give his children what he didn't have, and that is a whole and secure family. But he also stated directly that, right now, he has no plans of getting married or starting a family.
Now I have no problem if he doesn't want to get married yet because we've only been together for a year and a half and we both want to enjoy what we have right now. Also, we are not yet financially secure to even think of starting a family. But I'm worried that, since he's been surrounded by failed marriages since he was a kid, he would be paralyzed by the fear of getting married. He also openly told me that he's afraid of marriage because of his family's history. I told him that we're different but he said his family probably thought the same way during their time, so I told him that it annoys me very much when he says things like that because, though we are also uncertain about our future, if he kept on thinking that we might have a failed relationship/marriage, it might just happen (given that his other relationships lasted 1.5 months and 4 months only and ours is 1.5 years and still strong). He just said he understood me.
But I'm still worried that he'd be too afraid to do anything and I want to help him get over his fear of failed marriages. Some of my uncles also endured failed marriages and, at some point, my parents' marriage was on the rocks and so was my grandparents' but I never let it stop me from believing that I'll have a lasting one. I don't know how I could share this insight to him without him thinking that I want to get married (since I'm just waiting for him to be ready). Do you have any advice how I could help him cure his childhood hurts and broken dreams of a secure family? I don't want him to lose hope.
It's like this. My boyfriend comes from a family of "mostly failed marriages" and he is also a child out of wedlock. His dad recognized him as his son but are not with them because his dad was actually married with kids that time. his mom works in another country so he was left to his grandparents and was, at some point, disciplined. But his mom stepped in so he was given a lot of freedom since. A cousin he grew up with have several children from different women but is married. His granddad from his dad's side also cheated on his grandmother though they still stayed together after that. He's accepted by his dad's family, except his dad's wife who was angry with them til death, and there are a lot of others in his family who embodies failed marriage one way or another.
He says he want to have daughters because his lineage (family name) will end with him. He also said he tried to change his last name but his grandma stopped him as a sign of acceptance (I guess) to his dad.
He said he wanted to give his children what he didn't have, and that is a whole and secure family. But he also stated directly that, right now, he has no plans of getting married or starting a family.
Now I have no problem if he doesn't want to get married yet because we've only been together for a year and a half and we both want to enjoy what we have right now. Also, we are not yet financially secure to even think of starting a family. But I'm worried that, since he's been surrounded by failed marriages since he was a kid, he would be paralyzed by the fear of getting married. He also openly told me that he's afraid of marriage because of his family's history. I told him that we're different but he said his family probably thought the same way during their time, so I told him that it annoys me very much when he says things like that because, though we are also uncertain about our future, if he kept on thinking that we might have a failed relationship/marriage, it might just happen (given that his other relationships lasted 1.5 months and 4 months only and ours is 1.5 years and still strong). He just said he understood me.
But I'm still worried that he'd be too afraid to do anything and I want to help him get over his fear of failed marriages. Some of my uncles also endured failed marriages and, at some point, my parents' marriage was on the rocks and so was my grandparents' but I never let it stop me from believing that I'll have a lasting one. I don't know how I could share this insight to him without him thinking that I want to get married (since I'm just waiting for him to be ready). Do you have any advice how I could help him cure his childhood hurts and broken dreams of a secure family? I don't want him to lose hope.
Actually, I really think we have a shot here. When our relationship was new, he was the one envisioning our future, about how many children he wants us to have, what kind of home he wants us to live in and all that stuff. He only mentioned his fear of marriage fairly recently and I straightforwardly told him that I hope it wasn't his way of telling me that it was a future with me that he doesn't want. That's when he explained about his family's track record of failed marriages.
I don't really mind if we don't get married anytime soon because there are things I want to achieve first before I enter marriage and I've only achieved about 20% of that at present. I also told him that when we do get married, he better be sure that he's ready cause I'm not accepting a "sorry, I wasn't really ready for it" which was practically the same thing he told me when we became exclusive (he said "when you give me your answer, it has to be final. you have to be sure"). So our commitment to each other is really not so much of an issue. I was just taken by surprise about his confession about his fear of marriage because up until our discussion recently, he seemed confident about wanting to have a secure family and now he's suddenly afraid of turning out like his relatives who have failed marriages.
I just want him to have more confidence in our relationship and our ability to work things out.
I don't really mind if we don't get married anytime soon because there are things I want to achieve first before I enter marriage and I've only achieved about 20% of that at present. I also told him that when we do get married, he better be sure that he's ready cause I'm not accepting a "sorry, I wasn't really ready for it" which was practically the same thing he told me when we became exclusive (he said "when you give me your answer, it has to be final. you have to be sure"). So our commitment to each other is really not so much of an issue. I was just taken by surprise about his confession about his fear of marriage because up until our discussion recently, he seemed confident about wanting to have a secure family and now he's suddenly afraid of turning out like his relatives who have failed marriages.
I just want him to have more confidence in our relationship and our ability to work things out.
exactly. That's the message I was trying to get across to him.
not that I want to get married right away, we both still have goals we want to achieve and he's trying to finish his last semester for his MBA (he used his savings even before we met so he could support his studies). I just want him to be able to separate himself from the past, though it's quite difficult since they're bonded by blood and he wants to keep close family ties.
Congratulations, by the way. I sincerely hope you celebrate more anniversaries wrapped in happiness. :)
not that I want to get married right away, we both still have goals we want to achieve and he's trying to finish his last semester for his MBA (he used his savings even before we met so he could support his studies). I just want him to be able to separate himself from the past, though it's quite difficult since they're bonded by blood and he wants to keep close family ties.
Congratulations, by the way. I sincerely hope you celebrate more anniversaries wrapped in happiness. :)
How sad that this poor guy who was innocent in life came from such a distructive, disfunctional family. No wonder has fear of committment or just not ready nor want marriage at this point in time. Also, you both should not be looking at what has happened within his family's past, because what has happened has happened it's the past and should not be a decision factor on how the future can turn out. Anyone who lives in the past will stay in the past and is unable to move forward into the future.
I think he is just not ready for the responsibility of marriage and that's ok. If he's not ready then you do have options. You can stay in a relationship with a person that will offer you one day at a time...no future nor committment or re-evaluate the relationship and what YOU want for your life. He's made it clear that he is not ready for anything.
It's noble of you to want to help him, but he must want to help himself by possibly getting counseling to help him sort out his past and his emotions that are not functioning normally or properly. The only person that you can change is yourself, but please re-evaluate this relationship. He is not functioning, not ready for a committed relationship, both are financially unstable and if he is speaking in this manner now, I really don't see a long term, future for you with him. Good luck, Judy
I think he is just not ready for the responsibility of marriage and that's ok. If he's not ready then you do have options. You can stay in a relationship with a person that will offer you one day at a time...no future nor committment or re-evaluate the relationship and what YOU want for your life. He's made it clear that he is not ready for anything.
It's noble of you to want to help him, but he must want to help himself by possibly getting counseling to help him sort out his past and his emotions that are not functioning normally or properly. The only person that you can change is yourself, but please re-evaluate this relationship. He is not functioning, not ready for a committed relationship, both are financially unstable and if he is speaking in this manner now, I really don't see a long term, future for you with him. Good luck, Judy
Has he had any counseling to deal with his childhood ? It has made a big impact on the way that he looks at life and relationships. Everyone is different my parents divorced when I was young. Aunt, Uncles you name it they divorced. This had no baring on how I would feel about marriage. My husband and I will calibrate our 23rd anniversary this May, you never know what the future holds for you. One thing you do know is if you don't try how will you ever know how it's going to work out. Fear is only natural, but sometimes U have to face it. Good Luck
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