i dont understand myself

[Froglover08]

Okay i really need some advice because im just tearing my relationship apart. So the problem is that im always mad.. about everything...he can never do anything right. i dont understand why because i love him and want him to feel the same way. i just keep finding reason after reason and thought after thought on why im angry or upset over things that are really nothing to be mad about. i feel a little lost. he tries to make me happy but it seems to always fail. i find the stupidest reasons but at that moment it seems right to be mad and upset. i have out burst about things and i get an attitude and say things that i probably shouldnt and afterwards im fine even though it always comes up again.
Can anyone tell me or maybe just give me an idea as to why i do this and focus on all the wrong things sooo much and how i can resolve it?!?!?!

Thank You!

[mami1323]

Don't worry, you were very clear.  It's not childish games.  Tell him that you haven't seen your friends in a while and you need a girls night out.  You don't have to do it all the time but don't lose your friends because let's say this relationship doesn't last and you break up, you won't have any friends left to help you through the tough times.  You need their support, so don't let that go.  I'm glad I could help, I've been where you are at so I know exactly how you feel.  I left that guy who used to do that to me, I found my fiance who when we first started dating made that time for me and it felt really good.  My ex, always put himself first, his friends second, his family third, and I think perhaps I was fourth or fifth but not even that.  I was definitely miserable for 2 1/2 years.  Of course my relationship now is far, and I mean far from perfect but at least my fiance wanted to spend time with me.  I didn't think it was too much to ask for.  I don't think it's too much for you to ask for either.  Good luck, I really hope it works out for you.

[Froglover08]

you are totally right now i see it really. im in college have two jobs and the rest of my time is his. i dont spend time with my friends ever because when i have the free time which is hardly ever i go with him...on his free time im busy so he is with his friends. then when i do have a chance he tries to change it.. sorry if that was confusing...i have cancelled many plans before or said no to plans he has done it too but it wasnt anything serious because he sees them all the time. you are right on point when it comes to me hanging out with other people because i get upset that im not with him. im totally going to take your advice and go out with my friends. im just afraid that he will take it as im being childish like since he does then im going to do it because i normally dont you know what i mean?? i always felt that he puts himself before me and never thinks about the outcome and how its going to effect me. when we do make plans what he wants to do comes first and its really getting old. i think that might be why im not confident with him being out because he doesnt think about my feelings ever i swear... thank you sooo much for helping me!!
P.S. sorry for any mess ups i was in a hurry =]

[mami1323]

It sounded very familiar behavior that I went through.  The reason you feel this way is because he's obviously not meeting your needs.  In a relationship, if you are comfortable you don't have to see eachother every day and you should be able have your own life as well.  However, if he puts his needs before your own, you will never be happy with him, no matter how much you try to force it.  He knows you wait for his answer, therefore, he can dangle you on a string and he controls the relationship.  You have no equal footing in it and that's where the anger comes from.  He controls whether he's going to see you, and he controls if he wants to see you.  My recommendation to you is, no matter how much it hurts, make your own plans and if you are available to him, then see him but don't wait around for him.  He will change his tune really quickly.  Trust me on that one.  He will wonder why all of a sudden you don't have time for him.  But I know how you feel, you will feel disappointed if you have plans and he calls and wants to spend the time with you.  I can see you doing it now, cancelling your plans because he wants to see you.  But don't do it.  No matter how much it hurts and no matter how much you want to spend time with him.  It will only hurt you in the long run.  If it's that difficult to get him to share his time with you or to put you first above every one else, then maybe there is someone else out there that will do that for you.  Eventually your attitude will sabotage the relationship any way.  So if you want to stay with him, you have to change your outlook on things.  Focus on yourself first and even if that means not seeing him for a few days because you both are not available to each other.  

[Froglover08]

i get mad when im waiting around for his decision and then its not what i wanted to hear. then im left with nothing to do the whole night. it makes me feel like he doesnt take my feelings into consideration at all he is always out to please himself. i also think control is a factor like you said. because i want him to hang out with me but then its like part of it is because i dont want him to be out having fun without me. it sounds really messed up to think that but its true. or like i hate going to work and then he gets to go do whatever he wants and not come in till 3 in the morning i would rather just be over there. but then when we are together im just mean and have an attitude the whole night.. why would i be soo frustrated?

[mami1323]

It sounds like frustration on your side because of him.  Does he spend a lot of time with you?  Are you begging for his time?  Do you find yourself waiting to make your own plans until you know if he's going to be available for you?  Then when it's iffy or he chooses to go out with other people, you get mad because you have nothing to do because you were waiting around for him to make a decision?  Or you're mad because you want to spend time with him and he chooses not to spend it with you?  I was in a relationship like this before.  I used to get upset when he would want to go out without me.  I think it's a control thing as well as a jealousy thing.  If we didn't spend every waking moment together I would get upset and just treat him like dirt even if he was being nice to me.  It was all out of frustration.  

[Froglover08]

i just want to say thank you for your input..
Well he hasnt done anything thats horrible. i have found him texting girls and what not but nothing to that extent. we just got in an arguement because i asked him if we were hanging out friday and he said i dont know i might be busy... i got very angry that he said that. i think i possibly could be very jealous well i am a jealous person. and to baglady no i dont get mad at other people like i get mad at him. it just seems like everything he says i take it the wrong way and twist it around on him....

[KATE535]

Picking up on what Baglady said about having not forgiven him for something - in my case I went through a rough patch with my man because he slept with his ex when we first got together. I forgave him at the time because our circumstances were that we were not quite fully together as we had ex's we were dealing with, etc etc, but he was still unfaithful because he had left her, we were starting out, said he was 'waiting' for me, and for me to move in with him, then I found out he slept with his ex when i was about to come live with him.
I *thought* I'd forgiven him for it but over the next 10 months I would regularly have a go at him for random things and get angry with him when I'd look at him, always bringing 'that' up AND her. We had lots of good times too but sometimes we'd be happily talking or whatever and then I'd see him in my head cheating with his ex. And suddenly couldn't stand him. I am not typically a nasty person but because of the cheating I was often mad at him. I too loved him but hated him for doing that. I hated that he was responsible for making me see these things in my head. The results were I would be moody to him and argumentative. I guess I was trying to pay him back for huting me so much.
Has he done something serious that has hurt you in the past to justify why you may be so angry with him?

[Lady_Baglady]

Is it just with him you get angry with or do you find yourself getting angry like this at other people? Has he done something that you may have thought you forgave him for but truly haven't? Next time you find yourself getting angry, ask yourself, "How will this affect me? Is this going to matter in the morning?" Try focusing on your breathing (it really helps) when you feel angry. How long has this been going on?  Have you considered anger management?