Aa
Still confused 6 months after our break up
Hello, I am new to this forum and would truly appreciate any feedback or insight because I still feel hurt by so many things.
Six months ago my ex and I broke up. We were together for 8 months. Of course, in the beginning things were wonderful. I am 49 and my ex is 50 years old (and was going through menopause). My ex was generous, loving, loyal and looked at me like I was the greatest thing in the world for the first 5 months. But occasionally, there would be "red flag" moments.
For example - the first night she ever slept over my apartment, upon returning from using the bathroom around 6:30am I attempted to hug/hold her. She snarled and practically spat at me, "Get the hell off of me! I'm trying to sleep and I don't want you touching me!"! I laid in bed in a state of shock. She went back to bed but I just laid there for an hour more, not knowing what to think. She told me that she is grouchy in the morning. Moving forward, when we slept together I was not allowed to touch her during the night. She wore earplugs, a night mask over her eyes, and would remind me to keep my distance. I'd be at the edge of the bed and twitch during the night because I was afraid of falling off! I chalked it up to her menopause and tried to be understanding.
She is a musician. I play soccer in a league. Over the course of 8 months I went to see her perform 4 times. (And I should also mention that after each show she would besiege me with "Tell me what you liked about my playing tonight! Tell me what else! Anything more about me?") During the last month of our relationship I had a championship game with my team. She did not come to see it. When I mentioned how hurt I was that night while I sat on the edge of her bed before going to sleep, she responded by yelling at me and jabbing her finger in my face "Well too bad!!! I told you I had plans with my friends that night!! And I refuse to apologize!!!".
Even though our relationship continued for another 2 months I found myself withdrawing from her. One morning she laid on top of me in bed (it was okay to touch her after she was awake) and said, "I'm going to tell you all of the wonderful things about you.", which she did for about 45 seconds. Then, she said, "Now me! My turn! Tell me all of the wonderful things about me!". That didn't feel right, in retrospect.
She also nagged me incessantly about the littlest things. She would show me a glass that I did not wash properly or a pan that I missed a spot on it. When I remarked that I felt like I was in some kind of a minefield and asked her to not nag me for just two weeks about every little thing her reply was, "How will I get credit if I don't point out your mistakes?"! I replied, "What do you want credit for? Allowing me to be a human being who makes mistakes?".
Before wrapping up I will just say that in the beginning we laughed so much together. We enjoyed the same foods. And we rode our bicycles everywhere together. She was very generous with gifts and I know that she was loyal and wanted to live together eventually. But when I stood my ground and did not see her most recent show (I admit I was being spiteful by not going but I was hoping to take a stand and teach her a lesson) my ex broke up with me. She told me she remembers being out on our first date and thinking to herself "What the hell am I doing with this guy?" in the most disgusted tone imaginable. She also told me that I was not smart enough for her and that I didn't even really like her - I was only using her because my parents and brothers are all deceased.
Sorry that this is so long. I just feel so confused by so many things. How can someone "flip" like that so quickly? I was the apple of her eye and I was basically told (in the most disgusted tone I've ever heard) what a mistake I was to her.
Thank you for reading this.
Six months ago my ex and I broke up. We were together for 8 months. Of course, in the beginning things were wonderful. I am 49 and my ex is 50 years old (and was going through menopause). My ex was generous, loving, loyal and looked at me like I was the greatest thing in the world for the first 5 months. But occasionally, there would be "red flag" moments.
For example - the first night she ever slept over my apartment, upon returning from using the bathroom around 6:30am I attempted to hug/hold her. She snarled and practically spat at me, "Get the hell off of me! I'm trying to sleep and I don't want you touching me!"! I laid in bed in a state of shock. She went back to bed but I just laid there for an hour more, not knowing what to think. She told me that she is grouchy in the morning. Moving forward, when we slept together I was not allowed to touch her during the night. She wore earplugs, a night mask over her eyes, and would remind me to keep my distance. I'd be at the edge of the bed and twitch during the night because I was afraid of falling off! I chalked it up to her menopause and tried to be understanding.
She is a musician. I play soccer in a league. Over the course of 8 months I went to see her perform 4 times. (And I should also mention that after each show she would besiege me with "Tell me what you liked about my playing tonight! Tell me what else! Anything more about me?") During the last month of our relationship I had a championship game with my team. She did not come to see it. When I mentioned how hurt I was that night while I sat on the edge of her bed before going to sleep, she responded by yelling at me and jabbing her finger in my face "Well too bad!!! I told you I had plans with my friends that night!! And I refuse to apologize!!!".
Even though our relationship continued for another 2 months I found myself withdrawing from her. One morning she laid on top of me in bed (it was okay to touch her after she was awake) and said, "I'm going to tell you all of the wonderful things about you.", which she did for about 45 seconds. Then, she said, "Now me! My turn! Tell me all of the wonderful things about me!". That didn't feel right, in retrospect.
She also nagged me incessantly about the littlest things. She would show me a glass that I did not wash properly or a pan that I missed a spot on it. When I remarked that I felt like I was in some kind of a minefield and asked her to not nag me for just two weeks about every little thing her reply was, "How will I get credit if I don't point out your mistakes?"! I replied, "What do you want credit for? Allowing me to be a human being who makes mistakes?".
Before wrapping up I will just say that in the beginning we laughed so much together. We enjoyed the same foods. And we rode our bicycles everywhere together. She was very generous with gifts and I know that she was loyal and wanted to live together eventually. But when I stood my ground and did not see her most recent show (I admit I was being spiteful by not going but I was hoping to take a stand and teach her a lesson) my ex broke up with me. She told me she remembers being out on our first date and thinking to herself "What the hell am I doing with this guy?" in the most disgusted tone imaginable. She also told me that I was not smart enough for her and that I didn't even really like her - I was only using her because my parents and brothers are all deceased.
Sorry that this is so long. I just feel so confused by so many things. How can someone "flip" like that so quickly? I was the apple of her eye and I was basically told (in the most disgusted tone I've ever heard) what a mistake I was to her.
Thank you for reading this.
Ditto Tink. Very kind words indeed.
So nice to hear from you and so happy to hear things are on the mend.
Like I stated in one of my previous posts you sound like a decent and wonderful guy and you deserve the best.
So nice to hear from you and so happy to hear things are on the mend.
Like I stated in one of my previous posts you sound like a decent and wonderful guy and you deserve the best.
How very nice of You to return here with such kind words to those who responded to You and I'm SO glad to hear You are feeling better about Your situation
Regards,
Tink
Regards,
Tink
Hello everyone,
I'm writing in today because I when I wrote my issue on this board about a week ago I was feeling terribly depressed, frustrated, and hurt in regards to my last relationship (and break-up).
I just wanted to express my gratitude towards all of you who helped me. This past weekend I got together with some friends and they all remarked how I seemed to be doing much better and how I had "turned a corner", so to speak.
And that is due to all of you here.
So, a sincere THANK YOU to
thatquietgirl
chima7
Megadodger
londres70
rockrose
All of you have helped enlighten me and brighten my world. I hope you all continue to share your wisdom, knowledge, and perspective with others in need. And that you all in turn receive the heaping good amounts of positive karma you all so deserve! :)
THANK YOU!!!!
I'm writing in today because I when I wrote my issue on this board about a week ago I was feeling terribly depressed, frustrated, and hurt in regards to my last relationship (and break-up).
I just wanted to express my gratitude towards all of you who helped me. This past weekend I got together with some friends and they all remarked how I seemed to be doing much better and how I had "turned a corner", so to speak.
And that is due to all of you here.
So, a sincere THANK YOU to
thatquietgirl
chima7
Megadodger
londres70
rockrose
All of you have helped enlighten me and brighten my world. I hope you all continue to share your wisdom, knowledge, and perspective with others in need. And that you all in turn receive the heaping good amounts of positive karma you all so deserve! :)
THANK YOU!!!!
Oh, RockRose, thank you for making me laugh with your opening sentence! I've had my eyes well up with tears from the supportive and informative replies I've been lucky to receive here from other wise people such as yourself. But your post made me burst out loud with a shocked guffaw. Thank you for that!
Lord, suckerpunched, I hate her.
Her coworkers were right, she's a miserable person.
I can't imagine putting up with her for even one day, and my guess is people were very curious about why you were with her.
You sound like decent guy. In your next relationship, on the second red flag head for the door.
Her coworkers were right, she's a miserable person.
I can't imagine putting up with her for even one day, and my guess is people were very curious about why you were with her.
You sound like decent guy. In your next relationship, on the second red flag head for the door.
A very heartfelt thank you to all four of you who took the time to respond to my post. I truly appreciate it.
I know that I made mistakes in the relationship but whenever I did, I always apologized. For example, I once put up a great picture of us on facebook without her permission. (She told me that although she is registered she never goes on and doesn't really like it.) Well, two days later she lit into me about not getting her permission to put up our photo after seeing it.. I didn't tag her or even put her name! But I apologized profusely and took it down. Another time, when I introduced her to a long time friend, I removed her sunglasses from her face while they chatted. She chided me for doing it. I apologized and said that I just wanted my friend to see how beautiful her eyes were. But she was so upset by it...
I tried to be supportive too. One night before going to bed she shared that she overheard her co-workers talking about what a miserable human being she was. I felt horrible for her and said that I know that her position causes her to be strict and hard at times. But I wished that people could see the side of her that I see - the funny, bright, and kind person that I knew.
I'm rambling. Sorry again. She became my best friend as Megadodger mentioned and I just wonder if any of the kind things I tried to do ever cross her mind now. Probably not.
Thanks again for the encouragement, everyone. I'm very grateful that I discovered this forum. Wishing all of you well.
I know that I made mistakes in the relationship but whenever I did, I always apologized. For example, I once put up a great picture of us on facebook without her permission. (She told me that although she is registered she never goes on and doesn't really like it.) Well, two days later she lit into me about not getting her permission to put up our photo after seeing it.. I didn't tag her or even put her name! But I apologized profusely and took it down. Another time, when I introduced her to a long time friend, I removed her sunglasses from her face while they chatted. She chided me for doing it. I apologized and said that I just wanted my friend to see how beautiful her eyes were. But she was so upset by it...
I tried to be supportive too. One night before going to bed she shared that she overheard her co-workers talking about what a miserable human being she was. I felt horrible for her and said that I know that her position causes her to be strict and hard at times. But I wished that people could see the side of her that I see - the funny, bright, and kind person that I knew.
I'm rambling. Sorry again. She became my best friend as Megadodger mentioned and I just wonder if any of the kind things I tried to do ever cross her mind now. Probably not.
Thanks again for the encouragement, everyone. I'm very grateful that I discovered this forum. Wishing all of you well.
She didn't flip as TQG stated. She was always this way. It just became more and more apparent the closer you two got.
She may or may not be menopausal, but this isn't about ANY menopause...........she has some very serious issues and she should be alone until she sorts herself out. Apparently, she thinks everyone else is the problem and she isn't.
She did you BIG favor............trust me.
She may or may not be menopausal, but this isn't about ANY menopause...........she has some very serious issues and she should be alone until she sorts herself out. Apparently, she thinks everyone else is the problem and she isn't.
She did you BIG favor............trust me.
My first response that came to my mind was literally "don't take it personally." Of course I know how outrageous that sounds, so, you have every right to be confused.
I think every sign was there, but people who are looking for love and looking for a connection often make excuses for people (ex: menopause)
Sometimes, in my sleep, I darn near spit at my boyfriend not to touch me either, but I'm literally sleeping! I don't remember it!
A hormonal imbalance is her problem. I may be young, but I have been through so much hormonal imbalance crap that I can assure you, she shouldn't have to take that out on you.
My favorite thing about relationships is because we become great friends. We spend so much time together and become partners. Just like an friend when your younger days, how would you feel if that person took things and said them to purposely hurt you? They aren't much of a friend... Or they are severely insecure and severely damaged and can only build themselves up by tearing you down.
I think you're okay. You will be at least. As long as her ignorance is gone, you can climb back up on your totem pole.
Never stop standing up for yourself. Never. No one deserves to be mat to be walked on.
I think every sign was there, but people who are looking for love and looking for a connection often make excuses for people (ex: menopause)
Sometimes, in my sleep, I darn near spit at my boyfriend not to touch me either, but I'm literally sleeping! I don't remember it!
A hormonal imbalance is her problem. I may be young, but I have been through so much hormonal imbalance crap that I can assure you, she shouldn't have to take that out on you.
My favorite thing about relationships is because we become great friends. We spend so much time together and become partners. Just like an friend when your younger days, how would you feel if that person took things and said them to purposely hurt you? They aren't much of a friend... Or they are severely insecure and severely damaged and can only build themselves up by tearing you down.
I think you're okay. You will be at least. As long as her ignorance is gone, you can climb back up on your totem pole.
Never stop standing up for yourself. Never. No one deserves to be mat to be walked on.
Wow, she sounds like the most selfish person ever. Looks like you dodged a major bullet there!
She didn't flip. The clues were there all along. Everything you mentioned was her asking about HER. She was in the relationship to seek affirmation of herself that SHE was a good musician, that SHE was great, that SHE could catch things others missed, that SHE was better than someone. She wasn't in it for anything more than herself, and that's not a relationship. She even said as much in her break-up, that she viewed herself as better than and smarter than you. It was all about a power trip.
Have an Answer?
You are reading content posted in the Relationships Community
How do you keep things safer between the sheets? We explore your options.
Can HIV be transmitted through this sexual activity? Dr. Jose Gonzalez-Garcia answers this commonly-asked question.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.
Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal.
Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex.
STIs are the most common cause of genital sores.
Bottow line: She has issues and cannot see this or maybe she does and refuses to do anything about them. She did you a big favor.
You sound like a decent and wonderful person. It is unfortunate this happened.