lost and scared someone help please

[Ashelen]

my husband just walked out on me, my baby girl, and our unborn son. I'm so lost....we've been having slight troubles over the past few months, but it was mostly money related. when his paycheck got deposited at midnight tonight, it was only $130....for two week's work (it should have been more like $600). I obviously was REALLY upset and pissed...he's overdrawn our account by $300 this month so I assumed that's what he did. we argued for a bit and then he went to go sleep in the other room because he didn't "want to listen to it anymore". Well, I picked up his phone to call the bank to see what the original paycheck amount was so I could figure out how much he had overdrawn by...and I discovered several early-morning calls to his boss. I KNOW this means he's been "calling in" to work. When I confronted him about it and asked him where the hell he had been going instead of going to work, he just said that he'd been depressed and going to the park to think.

Calmly, and I SWEAR I was calm, because I was in shock, I said "the only reason *I* can imagine that you would NOT go to work and lie to me about it, would be if you were cheating on me." and he.....left. walked out. packed a bag and left, after saying "I'm NOT cheating on you but I'm sick of the damn accusations."

I....don't know what to think. I think it's entirely possible that he's NOT cheating, because of the type of person he is...but...he came back about 20 minutes later to me sitting on the living room floor in tears...and proceeded to tell me that he was sick of me, sick of my voice...he's tired of coming home from work and having me BEG to take the baby for awhile so I could chill (he's gone almost 14 hours every day and i'm 6 1/2 months pregnant...I thought it was fair to ask for a small break. most of the time when I ask him to take her, I go make supper.) and he's "sick of me controlling the finances" which I only think makes sense since he keeps overdrawing...but he calls it HIS money and keeps saying that he's "Taking a backseat" in this relationship.

now..something like this happened when he was in college last time, and he claims that he's nearing 30 and has accomplished absolutely nothing. he blames this on ME, even though he's the one who wanted to get married (i was finishing college and in no hurry) and he's the one who dropped out of high school (I pushed him to get his GED and enroll in college) and HE wanted both of our babies. I won't say I fought him about having babies but it wasn't my idea the first time.

he says I just b*tch too much and don't understand when he wants a day off from work (you're d*mned right I don't understand. it's his JOB just like it's my JOB to take care of our daughter, which I do 24/7 and only ask for breaks when I'm completely overwhelmed).

he's gone again now..to his parents...he says he can't stand me now, even though he loves me he "loves me and hates me equally" because i'm not "the carefree person he fell in love with." apparently my b*tching about him smoking and spending the money are his two biggest complaints..I really don't feel like I"m a Btchy wife and I NEVER TELL him to quit, I just ask him to wait..like "honey you just had a cigarette can you hold off for another hour? that's one less cigarette" but if he's REALLY stressed i always just let it go....and I never btched about finances until he overdrew us so seriously this month that we had to borrow money to pay rent...i trusted him to be responsible, and when he couldn't be, i took the debit card....but every time he ASKED to buy something i was glad to let him as long as we could afford it, you know? i even set aside "cigarette" money every week....

but i just don't know what to do :'(((((((((

i dont want my babies growing up in a split home, and m y daughter LOVES her daddy and talks about him all day while he's "at work" (god it hurts so bad knowing hes been lying while i've been telling our baby "daddy's at work making us proud")....but he's destroying our lives....he says it's because he's depresesd and won't listen. all i ask is that he support us...he only has to work 30hrs a week...god what do i do :((((((((

am i as evil as he says?!?! i'm so lost and confused i've always tried to be so...reasonable :(.

help..my daughter is lying in bed next to me sleeping and my son is kicking in my belly and i am utterly alone...

[lovemykids465]

So happy for you . Sounds like you are both trying but you have every right to be upset now and again and some days will be better then others but keep things in perspective there is a difference in being right all the time and being happy. Still my advice is some sort of couceling be it a person book or whatever may help even if it's just you. My husband did not go in the beginning  but when he noticed the change in me then he started to attend. Been the best for both of us.

[specialmom]

Ashelen, I think you are headed in the right direction.  Many couples come out of difficult times even closer.  Keep working on this marriage and don't lose sight of the two of you as a couple.  Try to work some fun into the relationship.  This is something that I think couples have to remind themselves to do.  You have young kids to care for, work to do, everyone is tired and a little stressed.  But it is still important to connect as a couple and enjoy each other.  When you come out on the other side of these years of kid chaos-----  you'll be grateful that you stayed connected to each other.  But I do absolutely think you are headed in the right direction.  It sounds like your new place is going to be a great fit for you all and hope that you are happy there.  I love the way you handle disagreements with your husband.  Staying calm and focused on the issue is awesome.  Very mature of you!  Anyway, I want to tell you that I am happy for you and keep up with the good work.  It is never easy but I think you and your hubby will make it through.  Take care!

[k10road]

Ashelen - I have been EXACTLY where you are (however, for me, it ended in divorce).  But, I do know what went wrong and what we could have done differently.  And I must say, I absolutely think you are headed in the right direction.  I think that a man's "manliness" is of utmost importance.  And so is trust.  So...you need to try your absolute hardest to trust him and let him be the man.  And I DO KNOW how very hard that is when they act like little kids.  Trust me.  That's why I got divorced.  But it wasn't the best for my kids.  Don't get me wrong, my husband now is amazing to them, and thank God they have a wonderful father figure in their lives.  But still.  But the EXACT things your DH did, my ex did...EXACTLY.  The new place to live with the "manly" things to do...that's PERFECT!  Just try to trust.  And someone else suggested counseling from a religious leader of your preference - I think that is the best piece of advice given out of everything on here.  There is a lot of good advice from people - but that's the best.  And if he doesn't want to go with you at first - no big.  Go alone.  Work on your own heart.  Say prayers.  When your heart is where it should be - his heart will change and get where it needs to be.  I wish you luck.  And if you want to talk more, PM me.  I truly have been in your spot.  Matter of fact, I had a 2 year old and a newborn when this happened with me.  Good luck and hugs to you.

[Ashelen]

oh i don't feel burdened by my babies! my daughter is the biggest joy in my life, and even when she's running me into the ground i try to keep in perspective how very short a time she will be little...and how very soon she won't want to be mommy's girl anymore. i'm one of those people that actually has more trouble letting go of the small moments than appreciating them. it was the same with my senior year of high school...i spent so much time trying to hold on to the things i knew i would miss that i missed a lot of the carefree, expectant joy that you get as a senior...and i get that a lot as a mommy, sometimes i feel like it's all slipping away so fast and i'm going to miss it SO much when she's not my baby anymore....

i don't know, but trust me, i don't take for granted just how special my babies are and just how fast it's all going to change as they grow...it's the most important thing in my day to just sit and listen to my baby babble in the morning.



just an update for everyone...

we're trying to work it out, we clashed again on friday night because he was acting so hard like everything was normal and i just couldn't take it anymore...i felt like i needed him to at least recognize the pain he caused before i could start to heal. we argued pretty bad and he said some really hurtful things (and trust me when i say it was completely one-sided on the insults...i'm one of those people that when i fight i get very calm and quiet and i always think hard before i say things, and i refuse to be insulting in a fight because i know i woujld regret it later no matter how much better it makes me feel in that moment...and i know that sounds weird but i really live by that philosophy. but anyway, he never "pulls punches" (verbally) and he just lets loose and it's really hard to argue with him when he's like that, and he says it's hard to argue with me because he feels like he's "beating a nun" because i'm so calm and polite when i argue, lol...anyway. but finally i made him realize that i had questions and that i deserved answers....and he promised to answer them as best as he was able. no matter how many times i asked the same question. and last night he proved he was willing to try when i asked some really stupid questions about what happened, over and over, and he got frustrated but he really tried and he didn't yell or storm out...so i think we're going in the right direction.

and as for the money issues..we just found a place to rent that costs less than half of what we pay now, so it's going to take a huge amount of financial burden off of us...which i really think will help. it needs some work, and he's excited about having something "manly" to focus on and deal with, and i'm just stepping back and letting it stay in his hands...and if our ceiling/floor trim ends up crooked, so what? Occupational therapy. and i'm thrilled because my babies will have their own yard and a big living space to play in..and i'll be much closer to my parents.'


anyway i'm done rambling. i'm having trouble beginning to trust and trying to let go, but i hope we're going in the right direction...i appreciate all of you writing me with your opinions and experience, i can't tell you how much it meant to me that you took time out of your days to help me with my pain. i'm one of those people who really tries to go it alone and let other people lean on me, so it was hard to be the one needing to lean...but you all really help me, so thank you.

i'll let you guys know how it goes, but for now...the healing process is starting and once we're in our new place i really think we'll be able to focus on "us".

thanks again everyone

[RockRose]

Ashelen,  I think this is fixable.  

I've been in your place,  having two preschoolers and being pregnant and my husband worked long hours.

What you think is difficult right now,  you'll REALLY REALLY miss!  Please enjoy your time with your precious healthy daughter,  and your healthy pregnancy,  and don't feel and express that you are burdened by them.    They are truly gifts from God.  You have been given the precious gift of staying home with your children.  Enjoy it,  and appreciate it.

The more you trust and give your husband support,  the more he will respond.

Please watch this.  As hard as it is to deal with your husband right now for money issues,  please just enjoy your time with your children and don't feel so burdened by them.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=olSyCLJU3O0

[Ashelen]

Thanks everyone....you gave me a lot to think about. he came back this morning, but i'm not sure that's what we needed. there's so much going on that i haven't gotten to sort through and right now i feel like we're just lying through our teeth because he won't discuss it.....i really don't want a divorce, and i'm more than willing to go to counseling....but i just don't know if i can trust him to pull his own weight and hold up his end of the bargain (our marriage).

i just hopped on for a minute to update while my daughter was napping, but i'm still so angry and hurt right now and i just don't know what i want anymore. last night i wanted him home and i wanted it all to be "smooth" but right now i just....i'm so hurt that he walked out like that, and while i'm grateful he came back...how can i trust him not to do it again next time he's overwhelmed or bummed?

I don't know...i'm gonna log on later and look back over everyone's posts and think about what you guys have said, but for now i'm goig to try to lie down while my baby's asleep because i barely slept last night.

thanks for responding everyone your perspectives have really helped.

i'm still so lost and confused

[Judy246]

I'm so very sorry at the unecessary stress that you are experiencing during your pregnancy and you are absolutely correct to be concerned and his behavior is unexceptable and insensitive to your physical state. It's really important that you speak with him and "invite" him to come with you to a marriage counselor or priest, pastor, Rev. Elder, or whatever religious denomination you are from who are trainned to get to the problems and issues in a marriage that is not functioning properly. If he refuses, consider a seperation or consider taking it a step higher if need be, but calling in at work...I would interpret that as possible infidelity (all day?  something is going on, wrong and secrative). Make sure to take care of your healthy, child and unborn first, but your concern is justifiable and this name calling on his part is unexceptable and needs to stop also. Please let us updated on your situation. Good Luck, Judy

[lovemykids465]

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. This is hard on any woman but made worse due to the fact you are pregnant. I feel you need to be aware that you are more sensitive right now too and there is so much going on in your life. You are such a strong woman, you may not feel like it but you are. The thing is you two need each other more then ever right now. I am concerned with the fact that your husband has lied about work and overdrawing your account. You really do need some answer's there.

Yes, he can and probably is depressed. May feel his world is caving in on him but he needs to get some professional help before he tries to find it elsewhere be it in people or things.

Is there any one who can take care of your little girl for the day so that you can get away for some alone time? Time to visit with a close friend or even visit your father?

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[specialmom]

Women do this thing called hyper responsibility.  We feel like we are the ones that keep everything afloat and take it all on our shoulders.  You've got a lot going on.  The illnesses in your family are scary and overwhelming.  I am sorry about your bird----- it always hurts to lose a pet and that never sounds stupid to me to be sad about that.  And as a mom myself that had a one year old while baking another baby----- that is very hard on a woman.  I wasn't suggesting that you must be understanding towards your husband's depression.  I think everyone has to take responsibility for themselves and he needs to be treated.  He doesn't have a reaction to medication that you have (and he's not pregnant)-------  so he needs to take care of that.  I think something that would greatly benefit you is a small break.  One way to break that sense of hyper responsibility is to give things over to someone else for a short bit.  Could you take your daughter to your mother in law's where your husband is for a couple of hours in the next day or two and you get a break?  I think that would do you a world of good.  I do want to say that I think there are going to be things to work out here once all depression is handled-------  that is very true that he may feel like a child in the relationship and while it is understandable how it got like that, it is not the best thing.  Resentment and bitterness will have to be dealt with-------  but the good news is it can be.  Hang in there and think about getting that deserved break for yourself.

[mami1323]

Oh my goodness honey, I'm so sorry.  I was in utter shock when I saw this.  I feel for you, it's sooooo hard when children are involved.  You have to be strong, yet you struggle with not crying in front of them.  You are only human.  I think it's time for some serious re-haul to the relationship.  Would he be interested in doing some couples counseling?  He does sound depressed, the missing work, the feeling like less of a man, the lethargia.  I do believe your husband needs some help.  Try to give him some time and continue to chat via Facebook or text message, whatever way you can to communicate.  Although it's not ideal, it will get you through.  I wish I had better advice for you, I'm going to pm you my phone number.  If you ever need to chat you can call.

[teko]

I don't think you should shut up, but it does sound like you both are letting the resentment and financial issues come between you? He works long hours for the little money he gets and you must remember that he is a man and to ration his cigs is taking his decision making process away. He obviously is feeling like not much of a man and he as well as you is feeling the well has run dry. My heart goes out to both of you. On the other side of the fence it sounds like you are experiencing some of the same emotions and by taking charge has taken his manliness. A little space and a little thinking may be good for a couple of days, then you need to sit and talk and tell him how you feel and listen to him tell how he feels and together you need to devise a game plan. And yes, he does need to see someone about the obvious depression. I have been where you are and know firsthand that if you two cannot come together on this that you will split. Neither party will survive. Remember what drew you together in the first place and go from there. Hugs.

[Ashelen]

i do want to add that i feel like i'll do anything to keep my babies from growing up in a split home, and that's why i've stayed with him so long through the half-truths and all the financial ruin he's put us through over the years (not to mention his verbally abusive behavior on occasion)....but i dont know if its right to just "shut up and take it" to avoid a divorce, because thats what he wants me to do...i just want it all to go away ..i know, stupid.

[Ashelen]

Thanks you for replying...yes, he is feeling like a failure...we just had a nice long chat...on facebook, because he's at his moms. he says he doesn't want a divorce but he wants me to fix everything...and i just don't have the strength right now. my grandfather (who Im very close to) is most likely dying, in the hospital, and I can't go see him because of my responsibilities here...my father is having heart problems (i'm closest to him out of anyone outside of, i thought, my husband) and may need surgery soon, my mom has a terminal illness and that stress is ALWAYS playing on my mind...this may sound stupid, but my cockatiel just died last night and ij ust dont have the ability to cope right now being 6 1/2 months pregnant.

I've been depressed this whole pregnancy but I can't slow down because I'm the caretaker for our daughter 24/7 and as I told him today "I dont have the luxury to cut work to go work out my feelings." and i know that wasn't the right thing to say but it's how i feel...and i can't take even the pregnancy-safe anti-depressants because of a reaction i have to SSRI meds and similar drugs.

i told him that i was tired of the lying, he's always lied about stupid stuff over the course of our nearly-8-year relationship and i have a hard time trusting him, and he said "oh so just focus on yourself now instead of focusing on MY feelings" even though he knows i've cried in the bathroom every day this week so many times because i've been so overwhelmed and stressed..and i told him that if he had come to me i would hav elistened. yhes i would have told him that he needed to work because we're desperately short on cash right now (because of his spending problem) but i would have tried to work it out with him and lend him a shoulder...he says that i would have just told him to grin and bear it like i do.

and i KNOW it's chemical and i KNOW he needs understanding...but where does it come from? my well is dry, my ability to cope and deal is completely nil right now....he won't go see a doctor, and i guess the hardest thing right now is that he'll reach out to people in our lives...his friends from college (who i have never met and i trusted him to be platonic with) and his parents...and i'll keep it bottled up inside because the only person i could tell is my father and he can't cope right now with his dad and wife being so ill and himself as well....

ugh, i'm just so lost...thank you again for replying it helps me keep things in perspective.

[specialmom]

Oh Ashelen.  I woke up with a bad headache and couldn't sleep----- hence, I am seeing your post. I'm so sorry.  You must feel so sad and vulnerable right now mixed in with a some anger.  I think there is a real possibility that your husband is depressed in a clinical sense.  I hope that he will be evaluated by this and seek treatment.  Chemical imbalances can make us say and do all kinds of things.  

Being the bread winner does bring a pressure with it and some men can feel resentful.  I don't agree with that as the parent at home works hard maintaining things there . . . but none the less, it is how the parent working outside the home can feel.  Some need to decompress when they get home and need some time before jumping into child care or "our"world.  I'm a stay at home mom too and I know that sometimes my husband walks in that door and I'm like "hi, here's the kids".  He just looks at me like I've got to be kidding based on the day he has had. But all of that is irrelevant as I know you've done the best you can and would not like you to second guess yourself!

I know that you feel very scared and alone now.  I'm sending you super strength as you deal with this.  I hope that he will see someone to deal with any chemical issues going on and then you can work on what ever issues are going on between you two.  Remember that he is probably mad at himself and feeling like a failure.  And some people lash out at their loved one in that situation.  Stay strong and get some rest.  More tomorrow.