Thinking of leaving. Can you advise?

[KATE535]

I'm 36 weeks pregnant and in a dilema about my future (great timing, I know). Well my partner of nearly 2 years and I are having our first child together, I have two boys from a previous relationship. My ex was violent and controlling and I dealt with a lot in 7 years for the sake of my children having a family that wasn't seperated. Well enough was enough and I did leave him eventually. The man I subsequently met was wonderful and nothing like my ex. Our relationship has had minor downs really and mostly been full of love and happiness. But the problem lies with my partner and me/ my children. He is very stressed by them and I sometimes wonder if we even 'work' as a family at all. I think it is natural that he struggles to let things go over his head with the 'ways' of my 7 year old, because he never had children of his own. It takes time, at least I used to think so, and so after 2 years I wonder why things aren't better, why he still has so many intolerances. We recently got back from 2 weeks away in Greece, and it was a lovely holiday but there was a lot of anymosity, I was constantly trying to hold us all together desperate for everyone to have happy memories of the holiday. Example, every breakfast and evening meal, my partner would get stressed, unhappy, fed up, cross with them because 1. they wouldn't eat all of their food, 2. there was too much talking at the table, 3. the boys were not sitting up straight, etc. I, on the other hand, don't think these things are *that* important - they're children, they're on holiday! But that's how he is, he couldn't even let things go on holiday - they are good little boys, who make small mistakes like any other child. My partner is a perfectionist which has good and bad points. But it's too much expectation on two little boys, even though I'm all for good manners, good behaviour and an interactive male figure in the family. So the result is I feel misearble, my partner does, and sometimes the boys are walking on eggshells, which is not fair. I actually am starting to wonder if he is a little controlling, because if something is happening that he doesn't agree with, he can't hold back. He has to change it. Put it right. I suppose that *is* control.
The holiday is one example, but just last night he flipped again, because we have found out my eldest has said a couple of negative things about my partner to his father, now his father is texting saying my partner better watch it... etc. Well my partner is more of a father to these boys than my ex ever was, so he's got a nerve saying what he's said. But I just try to be supportive of my children and my partner, but it's like I am stuck in the middle - I feel guilty that my boys are getting told off so often, and guilty that my partner has embraced my children so much - gives them everything they need, cares for them, gives them his time etc. But ultimately I just don't think it works.
He said something he has since said he didn't mean last night in the face of this incident with my children's father ''why don't I just **** you all, and I'll just concentrate on my child'' - this is his reference to all three of us, and his unwillingness to provide for any of us (since he is the main bread-winner) anymore.
But I have a second house I am legally owner of, and I could do fine on my own in this house, and I am fed up of feeling like I have to depend on another person to cope with life. I can't cope on my salary alone at the moment because I pay towards two houses - the one I live at with my partner and my empty old house. If I go to my other house with my children, I will be able to pay for just that place and wont have to feel like someone else is supporting me and my children. I want my independence back. And I am fed up of all the conflict, as petty as it is. The only way I see that happening is on my own.
I have mentioned seperating today and he strongly wants me to reconsider. I have always felt I couldn't bear to be without this man, there are so many wonderful things about him. But now I feel as though nothing's working. I have to put my children first before any man.
Can anyone advise what they think I should do? I have cried about this today. The hurtful thing he said last night has kept me awake since 5 am.
Sorry what I wrote was so long.

[mami1323]

megochick is right, health insurance can cover family counseling.  I pay $40 per session when we go.  If not, some counselors work on a sliding scale.  You have to just call around.  See how things work going forward, perhaps this is what he needed to hear to get his sh!t together.  If he starts to revert back to his old behavior than you may want to proceed with a counselor.

[megochick101]

I do agree that counseling may help your situation, and you can find counselors that won't cost an arm and a leg lol. Some insurance companies will even cover part of the cost of counseling. For example, if I wanted to go to individual or marriage counseling my insurance will cover 8 sessions a year. Now that's not much but it still would help out.

[KATE535]

  I have had time to think and decided our relationship has too much good in it to just throw away, our baby will be blessed with a father who longs for her and adores her. She deserves that in her life. How many men are like that? Not many these days. I was watching Maury (TV Chat show) just earlier and every man featured on there was either denying their child/ or cheating on their partner. Mine is nothing like that, I have a good one, he gives 100% of himself, his heart, to this family, I just think he is inexperienced. He took on my boys when they were already children (not babies), and that is probably some of the problem, they already had personalities developed before he was even around. He also has had to accept I have an ex/ their father featuring in our lives for the sake of the boys having contact with their dad. So it is hard for him, and I am sympathetic.
But in the face of me threatening to leave him for his constant demands on the boys, he has promised he will try to change - I have told him I cannot handle this sort of stress in the face of having a new baby. And I have stressed the boys are to be treated with the same love and affection as he will give his own child, as I don't believe in unfair treatment. That will only drive a wedge between the boys and their sister.
I personally don't think people change over night but it is good he will be more aware of how he's being from now on. Although he has already shown signs of expecting too much from my eldest again after promising he will back off and let me intervene. Maybe talking to him wont work enough. Maybe mami you are right and we should get some counselling. I definately think he doesn't give enough praise to the boys for good things they do, and he focuses way too much on when things go wrong, and I know a counsellor will say that's bad parenting.
Is counselling worth it though? it's tough at the mo - bills, things we need for the baby, the boys, money is tight and counselling is going to cost a small fortune...

[KATE535]

Thanks for your inputs, really appreciate your opinions. I thought it was just me, but other people can clearly see he is being unreasonable with the boys. I will be watching this space closely if I stay.

[peaceinknowing]

Your children are your priority right now, and I think it's safe to say that your ex is immature by taking it upon himself to even stoop to the level of tecting your partner now and telling him to watch himself. If that's the way he handles issues, then no wonder you left him in the first place.

You need to put your foot down with your partner and let him know that something has to give. Right now you're in a rough spot and I understand this, but something has to give when it comes to the relationship. Feeling the need to reprimad a child because he isn't sitting up the right way is a little overbearing. Just my opinion.

[jo929]

Maybe he will change after the baby is born, then again, maybe he wont, i did not marry my now husband until later years and my children grown, he never could stand a child unless they sat down shut up and was like a little soldier, he still can nat be around small children, as they make him nervous, and he had 1 child by his former wife, but he was not in her life until she was grown, also my mother, was a good woman and i know that she loved us, but she herself admitted she should never have been a mother she was very strict, we never plated in the house we sat quiet,she was always nervous around small children also, some people were just not meant to be, i had a neighbor with 2 small boys and she just let them run wild she said she wished that she had not have had children, she had her tubes tied. some people think children pought to be born grown i guess, i do not know what to say, hope for the best i guess   luck   jo

[mami1323]

I agree with you wholeheartedly, your children are priority.  That makes you a great mom.  All I have to say is your bf is going to have another thing coming when that baby comes along.  Children are children and although they need structure and discipline, they also need the freedom to be themselves.  To explore, to enjoy life.  His child isn't going to be some perfect little angel.  The more he's going to try and control his child, the more his child will one day rebel.  It's not fair to your boys and it's not fair to you.  It's like he's making you chose him or them.  I'm a step parent myself and I know how hard it can be.  My fiance's daughter is not the easiest and I find myself really annoyed with her sometimes but I don't make her feel that way.  I love her with all my heart and I want her to know that.  They will grow to resent him and why shouldn't they?  They don't know that he's taking care of them financially, they know nothing about money, all they know about is love.  So of course they are going to vent towards their dad.  But you need to tell them that they need to come to you if they are unhappy.  Because their dad isn't the one who lives in the household.  Make sure your boys know they are the most important people in your lives and their happiness is what counts.  With that being said, perhaps some counseling may help.  You are both going to be bringing a child into this world and so trying to make it work somehow is what needs to be done.  If you've exhausted every means of trying and it's still failing, than try to separate.  I would just hate to have your family torn apart right now.  Your fiance needs to understand how he can make this family unit work as well.  I don't think he's going to see that just by you talking to him.  You need skills, he needs skills, a counselor can give you that.  I wish you the best.  I hope this works out for you.