my bf mom doesn't like me

[unknown_jones]

I've been with my bf for almost 3yrs. When I first met his mom things were fine, she even at one point told me she didn't like me at first but now she does. A year ago I found out my bf ex gf started calling me and harassing me claiming she was still w my bf. I knew this to be true because we spend every moment outside of work together. When I didn't take her bait she attempted to get restraining order against me, telling all kinds of lies of how I threatened her while my bf was w her, which none of that has ever happened including him being anywhere near her. She would hack into his email and break up with me while he and I were together. It began to become too much and I ended the relationship feeling like this women was too stressful. Note she was 43yr, my bf was 38 n I was 25 at the time. It was like a lifetime movie that I was thrown into. During the time I called it quits with my bf his mom and other family would try to plead his case so I'd take him back,  saying things like she's crazy, they been over, he love me and I should just talk to him and hear him out etc. I finally talked to him and took him back after feeling as though I shouldn't let an outsider destroy my happiness, bc we really were happy. Months after that incident I started getting emails from his ex, telling me they were going to be together and running down all my own personal business. I was upset, I felt betrayed and I was embarrassed. After bringing this to his attention we found out that the ex was still calling his mom and she admittingly told her the information she described to me in the email. His mom justified this as she can talk to whoever she wants on her phone and about whatever she wants. She then told my bf that she never liked me and thought I was sneaky and a cheater. I have never given my bf or his mom any reason to think this about me, so where she got that from is beyond me but apparently his mom and sister and mom friend would just sit around and talk about me like some ***** will smiling in my face and showing me love and affection. I came to the conclusion that they just didn't like me and I haven't seen or spoken to his mom or sis since March, when everything hit the fan. My bf n I frequently discuss marriage and now even more so now that I'm 9wks pregnant. I love my bf and can't wait to marry him, he's been everything I've wanted since I met him. He has a close relationship with his mom and I can tell us not speaking bothers him. I know before his mom felt as though I should just get over it. Idk how she feels now but he says she misses me and wants to see me. She doesn't know I'm pregnant, we decided not to tell anyone til my 2nd trimester. I am still hurt by what she did to me and am not sure how I'd react to meeting with her especially with my hormones on 1000. I also know that once baby comes that somewhat binds the families more so than marriage. I have no problems with the way she treats her other grandchildren and in no way do I want to exclude her from our child's life. I just feel like she doesn't like me so therefore I don't want to be around her. She pretended to like me before so I'm afraid I won't know when she's being genuine or if she snowing me again. My bf will always be welcomed to take our child around her. I just don't see why I have to be around her but now it looks petty to my bf and his family because she wants to talk and I haven't made the effort. I just feel like why, what has changed your opinion of me in all these months I haven't we haven't spoken and why did it take 9mths to decide you want to talk? I take someone hurting my feelings very seriously and I just don't want to get the same results as before, as she was very convincing when I thought she liked me before. What should I do? I need some advice, please.

[RainLover71]

I concur with Londres

[Londres70]

I do think therapy for you and your husband is an option to help you to figure out how to deal with this situation in a positive manner.  I don't know about having the mother involved in the therapy sessions....not sure if that's a good or bad idea at this point.

I would recommend keeping contact to a minimum for now, HOWEVER, don't impede your husband's close relationship with his mother as that sounds very important to him.  I don't see anything wrong with being cordial to his mother when necessary.  

If she is open to talking why not give it a go?  Proceed slowly and carefully with her and see what happens.

[unknown_jones]

I like wht Life360 said. Though if it is pressed and it becomes a huge issue I will look into family counseling because that seems to be the best for everyone to get their feelings out in the open. Thanks:-)

[AnnieBrooke]

I agree that you and your husband and his mom should get counseling, but see no problem with going over what happened before once you are in the counselor's office.  You have the notion that she was back-stabbing and saying one thing to you and saying another thing to others.  She should be able to tell you whether that was true, and with a counselor in the room that is the best way, since you can work out some agreements about that kind of action that might have a hope of being kept.

[TTinKKerBBell]

When You marry SomeOne, You marry the Family as well.
It's apparent that a LOT of drama is going to come (already has) of this Relationship.  You are NOT going to change AnyOne - the ONLY "power" You have, the ONLY "control" You have is over Your OWN choices.  You state that He has a close Relationship with His Mom (as it should be - You're going to want a close Relationship with this Baby that's "on the way") and You state that He's bothered that You and She don't speak (of course, He is!!  You and She are the two most important Women of His Life!!).  Prepare YourSelf!! to do WHATEVER it takes to make this work!!

AnnieBrooke gave good advice and I agree!!  Seek counseling for You, Hubby and His Mom.  I would tread carefully and say ONLY now that We have a Baby/GrandBaby on the way, that You would like to work toward establishing a good Relationship for the Three (4) of You to share with this Baby!!
Good Luck!!  Let us know how this turns out??

[AnnieBrooke]

Where I wrote "If you would like to be able to work out a real relationship with this woman, say you would like to talk to her..." I meant "tell her that you would like to talk to her ..."

[AnnieBrooke]

If you would like to be able to work out a real relationship with this woman, say you would like to talk to her with a family counselor, because you still feel very betrayed by the way she was so two-faced before.  Don't hurl accusations, stick to the facts said in a mild way.  Then make an appointment, and go, take your husband along also.  Even if at the last moment she does not show up, talk the whole thing through with the counselor.  If nothing else, he will see that you want things to work and are going to some effort to make it right.

[Life360_Dave]

HI Unknown., my own experience with this is to keep contact with all family member to a minimum. Say around holiday and birthday. If you bring them into your marriage you will be endlessly chasing your tail. Dont get involved with your husbands relationship with his mom either. The same with your neighbors also. Just grow together and build a strong and lasting future together.
Hands off with family members.