Aa
new girlfriend with a kid
hey im mike this is my first post. I'm 19 soon to be 20 in december. I started dating this girl who is also 19 i met her in college her name is nicole. Shes a very nice, beautiful girl. I really like her alot. Shes the type that has a good head on her shoulders wants to get somewhere and she has goals and trys hard with eveything she does. Shes pretty amazing.anyway my point of my post is she has a 2 year old daughter. When her daughter calls her mom its weird to me its like shes 2months younger than me and a mom. Her daughter is cute but its akward me being there so at 19 is this something i should be dealing with or what? I do know if i had a kid i would be there im no dead beat father. I really want to be there for nicole's baby to. Shes a great mom i respect that a lot shes there for the baby all the time, she loves the baby, shes great and i do love that but i also don't like that shes a mom and the ex is still in the picture on weekends. I don't want to hear "your not ready for this" blah blah blah... i want advice on how i can be there without it being so weird and akward and if anyone else is in a sitution like this being with someone and having kids from an ex i would like to hear how you felt about it, how did you overcome it, and how old were you when you started dating. I think age has a lot to do with it and the maturtyl leavel. Just let me know what you think and stuff thanks for reading
What I am saying is that I 19 year old in the normal course of event does not step well into the role of step parent easily in the best of circumstances. Their bodies, particularly for men are not even finished with all of the stages of growth, other than possibly the skeleton.
Sure they might make it but I would give better odds on you dropping two multimillion dollar tickets that won, having a stranger check the numbers, and anonyously return them all to you in that sequence.
And yes sometimes you do know if you talk to them both because the signs are usually there. Particularly if children are involved.
Sure they might make it but I would give better odds on you dropping two multimillion dollar tickets that won, having a stranger check the numbers, and anonyously return them all to you in that sequence.
And yes sometimes you do know if you talk to them both because the signs are usually there. Particularly if children are involved.
Sam there are no guarantees in any relationship. Even at 31, even at 45, etc....what guarantees do people have. Yes, they are young, yes they will have a tough road, but so do most couples. It takes hard work all the time. There is no romance novel here, just people saying that if he is willing to do it and ready for what is at stake then he should. I know people who were together for 18 years and split up. I know people who have been together longer than that and stay together. You really never know. You are automatically saying he is going to be an abusive husband and father. I think you are way ahead of the game here.
Ia actually saying that fantasy novels are for kids and that to not give it up is bad for the child. In the short run I am sure mom and the boyfriend will be happy but the child will be the one who loses.
She was 17 when she had a child and his hormones haven't even stabilised yet! If they legally can't drink. He's not old enough on most states for a concealed pistol permit... Why in the name of all that is holy does he want to do something so much mor dangerous to a child?
She was 17 when she had a child and his hormones haven't even stabilised yet! If they legally can't drink. He's not old enough on most states for a concealed pistol permit... Why in the name of all that is holy does he want to do something so much mor dangerous to a child?
I think getting involved while the child is a baby might make all the difference. That is as opposed to, say, getting involved with a spouse who has, say, a 13 or 15 year old child. The baby would grow up and become accustomed to having two fathers and that will be the norm for the child. (Okay, 2 years old isn't exactly a baby, but close enough.)
I don't think any of the rest of us are saying that it will be a piece of cake and everything for sure will go okay wit these two. I think that there will of course be issues. But what coupling between two people ISN'T without issues?
But Sam, you are making it out to seem like there is absolutely no way it could possily work out for these two. And you are spending a LOT of time here trying to convince Mike of this supposed concrete fact. You are basically telling Mike to give it up without even trying - he is doomed to failure.
The rest of us are saying that yes, there isn't any guarantee of success, there will be issues, but it may just work out. If they want to go for it and give it a try, then do just that! More power to them.
I don't think any of the rest of us are saying that it will be a piece of cake and everything for sure will go okay wit these two. I think that there will of course be issues. But what coupling between two people ISN'T without issues?
But Sam, you are making it out to seem like there is absolutely no way it could possily work out for these two. And you are spending a LOT of time here trying to convince Mike of this supposed concrete fact. You are basically telling Mike to give it up without even trying - he is doomed to failure.
The rest of us are saying that yes, there isn't any guarantee of success, there will be issues, but it may just work out. If they want to go for it and give it a try, then do just that! More power to them.
Thanks. We live in a romance culture, and a gulag world. I really did not mean to be so harsh to the kid but he sounded like he was starting to believe the stuff people had told him even though the reality of their own situations except maybe for one was worse than his own would likely be.
I would not have said anything at all except a child is involved.
I would not have said anything at all except a child is involved.
I commend you for being a truthful voice. I too am someone who has entered into a step family, and the odds of it working are against us, I'm 26 and a life change at this age is difficult, and requires constant work to keep working.
Just my opinion but I have never in my life thought a nineteen year old who brought a child into the world was responsible and I certainly do not think a 19 year old male under the best circumstances is mature enough to be a good step father.
Either way your really on the wrong forum. Visit the one on physical abuse and children problems.
Either way your really on the wrong forum. Visit the one on physical abuse and children problems.
You get the idea. You are not old enough nor do you even have any idea of what real stress is yet, but your going into be the fair haired rescuer to a situation that you most likely are not prepared in the slightest for!!
Your first concerns were appearance, and ex.
Not whether your siblings prepared you for being a role model, or an even tempered father! Heck most responsible forms of martial arts would only have recently allowed you to qualify as a solo instructor recently!
And god forbid if either you or your partner were only or youngest children!
You will probably be a wonderful parent and person after you grow up and have a chance to complete the person whom you are going to be. Currently your body has not even settled all of it's hormonal changes. And if you are going to become a police officer you are doing so to seek change (idealism), status (power), or insecurity (ego). If the latter two chances are at your age that you didn't date that much to begin with and need to develop those skills before you move into a childs life.
Also someone asked if the mother deserved happiness? Yes mothers and fathers both deserve it right after in priority to their childrens safety security and well being. A child does not ask to come into the world but once it does it is the abso;ut priority for a person to put that child first and foremost. And all of your decisions for your long term well being better figure in the childs welfare first and foremost.
Just my opinion but I have never in my life thought a nineteen year old who brought a child into the world was responsible and I certainly do not think a 19 year old male under the best circumstances is mature enough to be a good step father.
Either way your really on the wrong forum. Visit the one on physical
I am saying that you are going into a field where violence is accepted as the norm and that each day the temptation to make your job easier by relaxing and choosing which laws you enforce becomes more tempting. And you do have to choose as the laws in all states are so numerous and poorly written that you could not enforce them all even if you had the backing of your administration, which will instead encourage you to choose and make those choices.
You are choosing a lifetime commitment at an age that your own personality has not set, as your partners go to do things age appropriate you won't get to do them, which is fine because you made those choices for the family. Then when you start work, because you will most likely have your degree before she does, you'll come home from work tired and probably have to pick up the kid, maybe after you tried to break up a domestic violence incident where you got jumped by the person you were trying to protect. Bone tired you find out your partner has to work late on a project preparing a defense as a project on a case that currently is working it's way through the courts, or maybe in a study group.
You are not going to be part of that group. Or maybe right after work you find yourself being confronted by another example of her "ex'es problems". Or the kid is sassing and a pressure hold really is not as violent a spanking when the kid say your not my real dad leave me the **** alone! Or you just have a series of rough days, your buddies are going to the lake this weekend, your partner is preparing for mid terms, you just got a new quota on tickets, forced overtime, kids sick, and you have "your own babie on the way" and your "wife's kid" says she wants to live with her dad to your partner and why didn't mom stay with...
You are choosing a lifetime commitment at an age that your own personality has not set, as your partners go to do things age appropriate you won't get to do them, which is fine because you made those choices for the family. Then when you start work, because you will most likely have your degree before she does, you'll come home from work tired and probably have to pick up the kid, maybe after you tried to break up a domestic violence incident where you got jumped by the person you were trying to protect. Bone tired you find out your partner has to work late on a project preparing a defense as a project on a case that currently is working it's way through the courts, or maybe in a study group.
You are not going to be part of that group. Or maybe right after work you find yourself being confronted by another example of her "ex'es problems". Or the kid is sassing and a pressure hold really is not as violent a spanking when the kid say your not my real dad leave me the **** alone! Or you just have a series of rough days, your buddies are going to the lake this weekend, your partner is preparing for mid terms, you just got a new quota on tickets, forced overtime, kids sick, and you have "your own babie on the way" and your "wife's kid" says she wants to live with her dad to your partner and why didn't mom stay with...
So your saying because im a martial artist i will be abusive to the child? Thats so not true i would never do that. I watch the baby sometimes and i already love her i love playing games with her, taking her to the park, etc. Sorry but i don't agree on anything your saying sam. I met the father of the child and hes alright we got along but he does have a lot of problems so when it comes to the child he doesn't care to much i already care and is there more than him.
Actually here is a thought.
Repost this question in the child behavior fourum see what answers you get.
Repost this question in the child behavior fourum see what answers you get.
plus, am I only one that this phrase sets off all types of alarms to?
"but i also don't like that shes a mom and the ex is still in the picture on weekends."
"but i also don't like that shes a mom and the ex is still in the picture on weekends."
Lets be realistic the answers being given on this particular post are almost exactly cribbed from a romance novel. That genre of books is considered fantasy for a reason, it is an unlikely unrealistic situation in which the main one who loses is ALWAYS the child. Particularly given the cast of characters, jobs etc listed.
In addition to which emotionally healthy adults who are involved have a hard enough time even without the added pressures on a relationship. In addition to which when frustrations build the ones who usually suffer are the kids. Primary abuser profiles.
Look up domestic violence and jobs (prison guard & police)
Divorce & age
Child abuse (deaths, abuse etc. usually boyfriends, stepfathers particularly those in aforementioned careers)
marriage and education level disparity?
income disparity
socio-economic classes etc.
Plus the fact that this guy is a martial artist? I have seen enough cases where when the child gradually gets shifted as the focus of what the "real problem is" rough house and punishments will take on the flavor of being a practice dummy for a yawara stick.
Quite honestly I do not think anyone who has a kid but is not even moved onto applying for the job they are going to have "when they grow up" should bring someone into a child's life. This particular incident has gasoline and matches written all over it.
I do not believe in giving laughing gas to people who are holding open flames and telling them to light up and enjoy
In addition to which emotionally healthy adults who are involved have a hard enough time even without the added pressures on a relationship. In addition to which when frustrations build the ones who usually suffer are the kids. Primary abuser profiles.
Look up domestic violence and jobs (prison guard & police)
Divorce & age
Child abuse (deaths, abuse etc. usually boyfriends, stepfathers particularly those in aforementioned careers)
marriage and education level disparity?
income disparity
socio-economic classes etc.
Plus the fact that this guy is a martial artist? I have seen enough cases where when the child gradually gets shifted as the focus of what the "real problem is" rough house and punishments will take on the flavor of being a practice dummy for a yawara stick.
Quite honestly I do not think anyone who has a kid but is not even moved onto applying for the job they are going to have "when they grow up" should bring someone into a child's life. This particular incident has gasoline and matches written all over it.
I do not believe in giving laughing gas to people who are holding open flames and telling them to light up and enjoy
I believe in being honest but if a person only has negative comments, maybe they should seek therapy.
Actually if you want to see real success rates look up what the rates are for divorce on couples in your age group, then look up modifying factors.
Computer Geek has some points regarding marriage in the military but with the problems he states that he has I cannot possibly imagine him having been in combat arms with which I did serve as he would not have been able to have handled the stress and most likely taken one of the three life changing ways of leaving the military involving a discharge.
That having been said marriages in which the male does not have at least an equal paycheck and/or education usually fail particularly when the male has a high paid or dangerous job.
Too be blunt since their were some misunderstandings it is not that she doesn't deserve happiness, it is that she will not over the long term find it with you and then you become just another balloon briefly appearing in the childs life.
Or cruelly you are a stop gap measure who will be gone because eventually you will not be good enough for her.
Computer Geek has some points regarding marriage in the military but with the problems he states that he has I cannot possibly imagine him having been in combat arms with which I did serve as he would not have been able to have handled the stress and most likely taken one of the three life changing ways of leaving the military involving a discharge.
That having been said marriages in which the male does not have at least an equal paycheck and/or education usually fail particularly when the male has a high paid or dangerous job.
Too be blunt since their were some misunderstandings it is not that she doesn't deserve happiness, it is that she will not over the long term find it with you and then you become just another balloon briefly appearing in the childs life.
Or cruelly you are a stop gap measure who will be gone because eventually you will not be good enough for her.
Thank you for the advice, i know it will be hard and a lot of work and if it happens great if not then it wasn't ment to be im just living day by day now. Sam I really don't think you can just say stuff like that without knowing, thank you for your opion and advice but it doesn't mean im going to fail.
Mike, You guys sound like you could have a great relationship and a great life together with her being a lawyer and you being a police officer. That would be fantastic. If you do become a police officer, you should still keep up the martial arts teacher role as well. Martial arts instructors are a big inspiration to kids and help a lot with their self-confidence. Plus, if you decide being a police officer isn't for you, you would still have that to fall back on.
The only possibly bad thing in the mix is her becoming a lawyer. I used to work in a very large law office and I saw that attorneys put in VERY long days at work AND STILL take work home with them. Many effectively work six days a week. I have often wondered though if that was all done to keep up with their style of living. A big house and fancy cars means lots of debt and they have to pay those bills PLUS their university student loan bills.
Many of these attorneys have precious little time left over for their children and some had children who were extremely arrogant, foul-mouthed, undisciplined and would even curse back at their parents. (I witnessed this several times.) My thought was - what sort of life is it if you never have the ability to spend quality time together as a family - especially to instill in your kids your own values?
ONE attorney drove a little, old car, lived in a modest house and didn't work all those long hours and he seemed quite happy and had a wonderful life with his wife and children. What a difference from most of the other attorneys. So a good life as an attorney IS a possibility - but only if you are willing to live well within your financial means and work hard to get those student loans paid off first.
Personally, I would not take to heart anything SeriousSam says. I was in the military which also, statistically, has very high levels of dysfunctional families. But if a husband and wife really love each other, issues can be worked though - no matter what it takes. There are many counselors devoted to nothing more or less than helping marriages to survive - and they are very good at what they do.
Just remember to focus on your lives and not on the accumulation of things. Live modestly, don't ever use credit cards or incur any other loans (finances are the number one cause of issues in a marriage), and focus on always spending quality time together as a family and you will make it.
The only possibly bad thing in the mix is her becoming a lawyer. I used to work in a very large law office and I saw that attorneys put in VERY long days at work AND STILL take work home with them. Many effectively work six days a week. I have often wondered though if that was all done to keep up with their style of living. A big house and fancy cars means lots of debt and they have to pay those bills PLUS their university student loan bills.
Many of these attorneys have precious little time left over for their children and some had children who were extremely arrogant, foul-mouthed, undisciplined and would even curse back at their parents. (I witnessed this several times.) My thought was - what sort of life is it if you never have the ability to spend quality time together as a family - especially to instill in your kids your own values?
ONE attorney drove a little, old car, lived in a modest house and didn't work all those long hours and he seemed quite happy and had a wonderful life with his wife and children. What a difference from most of the other attorneys. So a good life as an attorney IS a possibility - but only if you are willing to live well within your financial means and work hard to get those student loans paid off first.
Personally, I would not take to heart anything SeriousSam says. I was in the military which also, statistically, has very high levels of dysfunctional families. But if a husband and wife really love each other, issues can be worked though - no matter what it takes. There are many counselors devoted to nothing more or less than helping marriages to survive - and they are very good at what they do.
Just remember to focus on your lives and not on the accumulation of things. Live modestly, don't ever use credit cards or incur any other loans (finances are the number one cause of issues in a marriage), and focus on always spending quality time together as a family and you will make it.
Statistically your going to fail. Particularlyif on top of everything else she studies law. And your going into the field with the highest domestic violence, frustration rate and a pay less than hers? Combined with the fact that her career is going to be challenging with rewards and real goals? And yours with heartache, resentment, and disillusionment. LOL write me if you make it past her bar exam.
your right, AJH84 i know i need to be ok with eveything and i deff want to meet the guy and try to be friends or close to it i don't want anything akward i just want all of us to get along. Sam, She goes to night school and watches the baby during the day so at night either the father or her mom watches the baby and one of the day i actually did watch the baby and it was awesome. Shes going to be a lawyer and right now she is working in a office its a good job and she makes good money she has her own apartament and is living by herself. I go to school and working on becoming a police officer. Right now i go to college during the day and i do construction and in the summer i also coach little league baseball and all year around 6 days a week im a martial arts teacher which is really good money, So i do have a good job no i don't have a career job but i will be a cop in about 2-3 years now.
Mike never said the young woman still had feelings for her ex; he said that's something he didn't know whether or not he should expect.
And I never said the ex was a deadbeat. The meaning of what I was conveying is that he needs to maintain respect and acceptance of her ex being the child's father, even if he is a deadbeat jerk. If he's not a deadbeat, great. If so, I was emphasizing that Mike still needs to respect and accept the paternal role the ex has and not sabatoge any amicability and civility between the child's mother and the ex, especially if he has jealousy issues.
And I never said the ex was a deadbeat. The meaning of what I was conveying is that he needs to maintain respect and acceptance of her ex being the child's father, even if he is a deadbeat jerk. If he's not a deadbeat, great. If so, I was emphasizing that Mike still needs to respect and accept the paternal role the ex has and not sabatoge any amicability and civility between the child's mother and the ex, especially if he has jealousy issues.
BTW doesn't sound like the ex is a deadbeat she does after all have feelings for the dad even after 2 years.
2 nineteen year olds no established jobs and a child. How could I ever have thought the odds were against them if their was enough uncertainity that a person had to ask strangers for advice!
BTW where in his post does he say the ex is out of the picture? Yet another complication? Jobs? Who watches the child while mom is in school? their are layers to this know one has even addressed.
Outside of romance novels the normal end to this situation is disaster.
BTW where in his post does he say the ex is out of the picture? Yet another complication? Jobs? Who watches the child while mom is in school? their are layers to this know one has even addressed.
Outside of romance novels the normal end to this situation is disaster.
There is a big difference between being amicable and civil with the ex because of a child and still "having feelings" or being in love.
I have no feelings for my ex except the fact that I respect that he's my son's father. He and I can be friendly to each other and still have a conversation from time to time, but as far as any hint of love for him or even feeling attracted to him, there is nothing.
And as for the chance of feelings ever developing for him again? Not a chance at all, because I've found a new relationship that meets my needs and overall happiness, and I don't want give it up or jeopardize it.
The ex had a chance, and lost it--whatever the reason may be. Now it's your chance to give her something better.
But you do need to understand and accept that the child's father will always be a part of the picture, and you need to respect that no matter what--even if he's a deadbeat jerk. He is a part of the picture for the well-being of the child, and you don't ever want to stand in the way of that. You don't ever want to discourage a relationship between this child and her father, and you don't want to sabatoge an amicable, civil relationship between the mother and her ex for the sake of the child.
I have no feelings for my ex except the fact that I respect that he's my son's father. He and I can be friendly to each other and still have a conversation from time to time, but as far as any hint of love for him or even feeling attracted to him, there is nothing.
And as for the chance of feelings ever developing for him again? Not a chance at all, because I've found a new relationship that meets my needs and overall happiness, and I don't want give it up or jeopardize it.
The ex had a chance, and lost it--whatever the reason may be. Now it's your chance to give her something better.
But you do need to understand and accept that the child's father will always be a part of the picture, and you need to respect that no matter what--even if he's a deadbeat jerk. He is a part of the picture for the well-being of the child, and you don't ever want to stand in the way of that. You don't ever want to discourage a relationship between this child and her father, and you don't want to sabatoge an amicable, civil relationship between the mother and her ex for the sake of the child.
She will always be connected to the father of the child because she has no choice but it doesn't mean she will always have feelings for him. There are plenty of people who break up with their children's father and are able to move on to another relationship after it. They can be amicable for the sake of the child but it doesn't mean that they love each other. You can separate your feelings, they are not together for a reason.
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