Aa
the man u love vs ur whole family
I've been wit the boyfriend for 2yrs in Sept. We broke up April 9th- May 27th 2011. We have a 9mo old son and I have a 5yr old son from a previous relationship. Were having problems wit my son and my boyfriend is blaming my family for a lot of it... he doesn't want my parents n sisters around our 9mo old bcuz he feels that they'll ruin him like my son... my dad and boyfriend got into a huge agrument and I guess my dad said something about coming and taking the baby from him and him never seeing him again... so that started a hugee fight between everyone... my dad denied it of course.. but went around telling ppl that my boyfriend is a drug dealer- which isn't true- soo idk what to do.. my dad is having health problems and I don't want anything to happen and I feel guilt later... and now my sister is ignoring me and deleted me off fb bcuz of everything... I don't knw what to do.. I see where both side r coming from... my boyfriends biggest thing is that my parents overstep my attority(sry can't spell) infront of my son and its to where he will say he's telling on me! I'm trying to please everyone and I'm going nuts... I'm worried I made a mistake by getting back wit him and telling him pretty much its his way and I have no voice bout it.. I've went bhind his back n have taken our son over to my parents to visit n idk what will happen if he finds out.. any suggestions on how to get everyone over the bs n past n move forward?
Well everyone has made some very important points and I do agree with them,so Ms.Sweetheart0686 read!!! Listen!! Understand! What's being said and go from there.Good Luck
COMMUNITY LEADER
I want you to know that everyone here is wanting to help you. I think right now you have a wall up and don't want to hear what we are saying.
It is NO response to say "well, if he can't see my family than he can't see yours". What a very odd response and not a good way to communicate or get your point across. You say "it is not acceptable to me that you are trying to stop myself and the kids from seeing my parents. I will NOT put up with that." That is the appropriate response. That is setting a boundary that really needs to be set with him. A significant other does NOT tell us who we can and can't see especially family. That he has a pitiful relationship with his own is sad but not an excuse to try to keep you from yours.
I'm afraid you just aren't ready to hear this. This makes me very sad for you and your kids.
The way you describe him-------- upset at the normal noise a young one creates is flat out frightening.
I have to say that from your description----------- I agree with your parents. There is something wrong with this guy. Oh, and during the day is he home as well? That would be the only thing I can think of as different during the summer.
I'm not trying to make you feel bad or come down hard on you but life is about choices. You have been honest about your boyfriend's faults and I appreciate that. I'm just trying to be honest in return. I think that I'd rather be all alone than have a man with these views and forcefullness of them in my home with my kids. Yep, alone would sound pretty darn good.
Either way, you stay close to your parents somehow. I think you're going to need them in the future. good luck
It is NO response to say "well, if he can't see my family than he can't see yours". What a very odd response and not a good way to communicate or get your point across. You say "it is not acceptable to me that you are trying to stop myself and the kids from seeing my parents. I will NOT put up with that." That is the appropriate response. That is setting a boundary that really needs to be set with him. A significant other does NOT tell us who we can and can't see especially family. That he has a pitiful relationship with his own is sad but not an excuse to try to keep you from yours.
I'm afraid you just aren't ready to hear this. This makes me very sad for you and your kids.
The way you describe him-------- upset at the normal noise a young one creates is flat out frightening.
I have to say that from your description----------- I agree with your parents. There is something wrong with this guy. Oh, and during the day is he home as well? That would be the only thing I can think of as different during the summer.
I'm not trying to make you feel bad or come down hard on you but life is about choices. You have been honest about your boyfriend's faults and I appreciate that. I'm just trying to be honest in return. I think that I'd rather be all alone than have a man with these views and forcefullness of them in my home with my kids. Yep, alone would sound pretty darn good.
Either way, you stay close to your parents somehow. I think you're going to need them in the future. good luck
My parents were helping me cuz when I was wit my x I had to support my son n myself wit no help from him... he wasn't around.. he was always wit his friends or doing his hobby... n not helping me.... I was working 6wks after my son was born cuz he wouldn't help me wit food or diapers... I wasn't around much cuz I was working...
Yes I agree that his behavior is trumping the good he's done... but I am thankful that I had his help wit those things... I knw that an adult relationship is two way n when I say if the kids can't see my family than they can't see urs n he says that's fine....
My son goes to a counselor n will b going to a therapist or whatever their called in aug. And since I had my second child I have a in home therapist that comes weekly.
@cheshchesh819- yes I don't agree... he gets upset when my son is playing loud wit his cars.. which I do get annoyed too but idk if he understands he's 5yrs old n its wrong for him to always b quite... it jus makes me worry bout when our son is older...
I quit my job when I was almost 8mos pregnant, and I'm a sahm n its been a little harder in the summer since my son doesn't go to school n have something to keep him busy..
Yes I agree that his behavior is trumping the good he's done... but I am thankful that I had his help wit those things... I knw that an adult relationship is two way n when I say if the kids can't see my family than they can't see urs n he says that's fine....
My son goes to a counselor n will b going to a therapist or whatever their called in aug. And since I had my second child I have a in home therapist that comes weekly.
@cheshchesh819- yes I don't agree... he gets upset when my son is playing loud wit his cars.. which I do get annoyed too but idk if he understands he's 5yrs old n its wrong for him to always b quite... it jus makes me worry bout when our son is older...
I quit my job when I was almost 8mos pregnant, and I'm a sahm n its been a little harder in the summer since my son doesn't go to school n have something to keep him busy..
A child should be seen and not heard,What,i cant believe that is what he believes,sorry but that is enough said in my eyes.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi sweetheart. I'm still very concerned here. I think that statements like your son tells on you, etc. are worrisome. If you were a mother that had issues parenting and your parents helped------------ you should remain loyal to them. From your description--------- you sound like you really struggled with parenting. You credit a boyfriend with some parenting aspects that were your job. I want you to think about that and figure out what YOU need to be doing to be a good parent. YOU. Not your boyfriend. YOU.
Part of being a good parent is setting up a normal and stable homelife. It is not normal for the father in the house to keep his girlfriend and children from his girlfriend's parents. It is not normal to "lay down the law" so that everyone else has to go along with it. Your relationship with your boyfriend sounds dysfunctional and volatile no matter how many things you list that he did right. No one is all bad---------- but if there is something that shouldn't be overlooked------- that trumps the good things. I think his behavior now trumps the good things.
I agree that putting yourself in a situation in which drugs are in the house would be disastrous and am glad you see that and wouldn't do it. Does your boyfriend do drugs? I wonder about this. Your parents, sister and others are having and according to you, have always had a reaction to him. There is a reason for this sweeheart. Think about what this could be.
I will tell you that this relationship will not last under these current circumstances. And it has the potential to get a whole lot worse. An adult relationship is two way. You sound almost like a child in this relationship that he tells what to do. You need to be an equal partner and work on eliminating this terrible dysfunction. If you want to see your parents and for the kids to see them------------ you and they should. Make that clear to your boyfriend. And if says he won't be with you then---------- that is ridiculous and manipulative. And unhealthy.
I guess I just keep trying to convey to you how unhealthy this all is. Please hear me.
And regarding your son being sexual at 5, is there any way that a counselor can be introduced to help him. Heck, I think it would be a great idea for you too but let's try to help your son first as kids are always the priority.
What do you do for job training or work dear?
Part of being a good parent is setting up a normal and stable homelife. It is not normal for the father in the house to keep his girlfriend and children from his girlfriend's parents. It is not normal to "lay down the law" so that everyone else has to go along with it. Your relationship with your boyfriend sounds dysfunctional and volatile no matter how many things you list that he did right. No one is all bad---------- but if there is something that shouldn't be overlooked------- that trumps the good things. I think his behavior now trumps the good things.
I agree that putting yourself in a situation in which drugs are in the house would be disastrous and am glad you see that and wouldn't do it. Does your boyfriend do drugs? I wonder about this. Your parents, sister and others are having and according to you, have always had a reaction to him. There is a reason for this sweeheart. Think about what this could be.
I will tell you that this relationship will not last under these current circumstances. And it has the potential to get a whole lot worse. An adult relationship is two way. You sound almost like a child in this relationship that he tells what to do. You need to be an equal partner and work on eliminating this terrible dysfunction. If you want to see your parents and for the kids to see them------------ you and they should. Make that clear to your boyfriend. And if says he won't be with you then---------- that is ridiculous and manipulative. And unhealthy.
I guess I just keep trying to convey to you how unhealthy this all is. Please hear me.
And regarding your son being sexual at 5, is there any way that a counselor can be introduced to help him. Heck, I think it would be a great idea for you too but let's try to help your son first as kids are always the priority.
What do you do for job training or work dear?
ThanThanks for ur comments..
Family has never liked my bf from the beginning, n he's always went outta his way to help them n never got a thank you... he's done so much for my son but the ruined comment has started recently cuz he's been having sexual behavior out of no where n were trying to get him help.. along wit he hates how my son tells on me... I have tried talking to my parents n they say they don't need to change we do.... n my mom always give me a guilt trip till she gets her way or makes me feel horrible... she thinks that when my son is suppose to go there n he starts acting up n I say he can't go now that I'm using her time as a punishment when I'm not, I'm trying to teach him that his actions has conquecnses..
My bf was more like a dad to my son n played wit him when he wasn't seeing his father n when he acts right..... my son has changed a lot since my bf came into the pic.. my bf potty trained him, taught him to have manners and treat me wit respect...
He was raised that children r meant to b seen n not heard.... I've tried to make him understand me n how I feel but it never matters.. I've asked for it all to stop but it never does...
My dad was in the wrong for saying what he did... I would never put my children in a household where there is drugs bcuz I'm not going to lose my children over someone elses actions...
My bf was married to a woman wit 2children that called him dad... than they split n divorced n 2days after he left the house she was wit someone else n had the children calling him dad... so idk if he's afraid ill do that too or what...
I'm jus stuck btween them n I'm tired of it... my children both should have a relationship wit their grandparents... my parents r the only grandparents our son will knw cuz he's mom has passed away n he doesn't have contact wit his father....
Family has never liked my bf from the beginning, n he's always went outta his way to help them n never got a thank you... he's done so much for my son but the ruined comment has started recently cuz he's been having sexual behavior out of no where n were trying to get him help.. along wit he hates how my son tells on me... I have tried talking to my parents n they say they don't need to change we do.... n my mom always give me a guilt trip till she gets her way or makes me feel horrible... she thinks that when my son is suppose to go there n he starts acting up n I say he can't go now that I'm using her time as a punishment when I'm not, I'm trying to teach him that his actions has conquecnses..
My bf was more like a dad to my son n played wit him when he wasn't seeing his father n when he acts right..... my son has changed a lot since my bf came into the pic.. my bf potty trained him, taught him to have manners and treat me wit respect...
He was raised that children r meant to b seen n not heard.... I've tried to make him understand me n how I feel but it never matters.. I've asked for it all to stop but it never does...
My dad was in the wrong for saying what he did... I would never put my children in a household where there is drugs bcuz I'm not going to lose my children over someone elses actions...
My bf was married to a woman wit 2children that called him dad... than they split n divorced n 2days after he left the house she was wit someone else n had the children calling him dad... so idk if he's afraid ill do that too or what...
I'm jus stuck btween them n I'm tired of it... my children both should have a relationship wit their grandparents... my parents r the only grandparents our son will knw cuz he's mom has passed away n he doesn't have contact wit his father....
Yes i agree all this because your boyfriend thinks that your 5 yea old is ruined,i would never let any man tell me that i cant take my children to see my family,step away from behind your boyfriends back and speak your mind the fact you are sneaking around is pretty clear that dont agree with your boyfriends views,it sound too me that maybe its him who has been ruined and needs to grow up.
I agree with everyone, and am very concerned that your boyfriend thinks your child - who is not his - is "ruined". I think you need to stop trying to please everyone, and concentrate on your 5 year old who in this new guy's viewpoint is ruined.
I pretty much agree w/ what everyone else is saying here. I only skimmed the responses so please forgive me if I am repeating something already said.
As for your parents...they too need to step back as far as overstepping your authority as a mother, when it comes to your children. That is a big no no in my book. For me personally, I won't allow anyone to tell me what to do or overstep where my kids are concerned. I don't go around telling other people what to do and I don't particularly care for anyone to do it to me.
With the boyfriend....I agree there are some red flags there that need to be looked at; especially where your other little boy is concerned. Your children should come first. Everyone else, including your parents, come after.
As for your parents...they too need to step back as far as overstepping your authority as a mother, when it comes to your children. That is a big no no in my book. For me personally, I won't allow anyone to tell me what to do or overstep where my kids are concerned. I don't go around telling other people what to do and I don't particularly care for anyone to do it to me.
With the boyfriend....I agree there are some red flags there that need to be looked at; especially where your other little boy is concerned. Your children should come first. Everyone else, including your parents, come after.
"Guys point of view".... Your boyfriend seems controlling and honestly your father does a bit as well. Your father saying your boyfriend is a drug dealer without any proof is really not a good thing and it kind of insinuates that you are somewhat involved with that activity as well, or at least condone it. (You're still with your boyfriend)
You're boyfriend restricting you from whom you can and cannot see is along the lines of abuse.... it is something that abusers typically do, control who the abused can and cannot see.
It's time for a couple of big old adult talks between you and your boyfriend and you and your parents. All things need to be considered and weeded through. I don't see moving forward as an option until all of this is worked out. With that being said, your opinion and more importantly the health of your child (children) need to be the priority here. Although the boyfriend is once child's parent, he seems to have little regard for the other child. I'm not so sure that I'd want that in any relationship of mine.... you guys are a package deal and there are men out there who would be more than willing to love the entire package.
I don't know any of the back story here, but real communication seems to be missing.
You're boyfriend restricting you from whom you can and cannot see is along the lines of abuse.... it is something that abusers typically do, control who the abused can and cannot see.
It's time for a couple of big old adult talks between you and your boyfriend and you and your parents. All things need to be considered and weeded through. I don't see moving forward as an option until all of this is worked out. With that being said, your opinion and more importantly the health of your child (children) need to be the priority here. Although the boyfriend is once child's parent, he seems to have little regard for the other child. I'm not so sure that I'd want that in any relationship of mine.... you guys are a package deal and there are men out there who would be more than willing to love the entire package.
I don't know any of the back story here, but real communication seems to be missing.
OH GEEZ!!! RED ALERT!! RED ALERT!!
Any man that calls your child 'ruined' and then tries to keep you from seeing your family, to the point that you actually feel you have to 'sneak' to see them is BAD NEWS!!!
Specialmom is right about talking to your parents like an adult, if you've got an issue with them.
Unless you can honestly say that this family is violent, criminal and/or otherwise severely dysfunctional, your b/f shouldnt try to cut you and your children off from your support system.
I was married to a man like that. I was young and scared, but I finally broke free and my life has been so much better because of it.
This man will ask more and more, making life more and more unbearable for you if you ever allow him to isolate you from anyone who might be in a position to help you [family, friends, etc...]. Under the circumstances, I can see why your family has a problem with the guy.
I would seriously look into my other options and move on. I see nothing but cause for concern if you stay with this man.
Any man that calls your child 'ruined' and then tries to keep you from seeing your family, to the point that you actually feel you have to 'sneak' to see them is BAD NEWS!!!
Specialmom is right about talking to your parents like an adult, if you've got an issue with them.
Unless you can honestly say that this family is violent, criminal and/or otherwise severely dysfunctional, your b/f shouldnt try to cut you and your children off from your support system.
I was married to a man like that. I was young and scared, but I finally broke free and my life has been so much better because of it.
This man will ask more and more, making life more and more unbearable for you if you ever allow him to isolate you from anyone who might be in a position to help you [family, friends, etc...]. Under the circumstances, I can see why your family has a problem with the guy.
I would seriously look into my other options and move on. I see nothing but cause for concern if you stay with this man.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh no. This is a terrible situation. I hear a couple of things that really really concern me. First of all, does your boyfriend like your 5 year old? He says that he has been 'ruined' which indicate that he is not a fan which will be quite detrimental to your little boy. That makes me very sad for him and I would not tolerate that for one second in my home. Hopefully this is not the case and you have already addressed it with your boyfriend.
Second, I think taking away people that love our children is an awful idea. Your parents have been a consistent part of your life and your child's and deserve to be part of your new baby's as well.
If you have an issue with your parents, address it with them (minus your boyfriend being there or your children). Do they lack faith in you based on past choices you've made? I only ask that and you do not have to answer here because that dynamic happens between adults and their parents. If you were dependent on them at one point with your 5 year old and now you don't need them as much---------- that is a hard transition for everyone to make. But what you can do is speak to them calmly with this working hard to not put them on the defensive. Ask them to come to you privately if they have an issue with something you are doing or saying with the kids.
I don't know about this boyfriend. I personally wouldn't allow someone to tell me I can't see my family or my kids can't see them. That is dysfunctional and total drama. I think that he wouldn't be worth staying with if he will not back down from that.
He will forever be in your baby's life as the is the father----------- but he might be asking too much of you in this relationship. It isn't healthy. good luck
Second, I think taking away people that love our children is an awful idea. Your parents have been a consistent part of your life and your child's and deserve to be part of your new baby's as well.
If you have an issue with your parents, address it with them (minus your boyfriend being there or your children). Do they lack faith in you based on past choices you've made? I only ask that and you do not have to answer here because that dynamic happens between adults and their parents. If you were dependent on them at one point with your 5 year old and now you don't need them as much---------- that is a hard transition for everyone to make. But what you can do is speak to them calmly with this working hard to not put them on the defensive. Ask them to come to you privately if they have an issue with something you are doing or saying with the kids.
I don't know about this boyfriend. I personally wouldn't allow someone to tell me I can't see my family or my kids can't see them. That is dysfunctional and total drama. I think that he wouldn't be worth staying with if he will not back down from that.
He will forever be in your baby's life as the is the father----------- but he might be asking too much of you in this relationship. It isn't healthy. good luck
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