Boyfriend Troubles

[glamman]

I am not sure what to do about my boyfriend of 1 year 4 months. I will give you some background ....He is a difficult man. very jealous,accuses me of cheating (when its not true) controlling via his anger- punishes me by not wanting to see me when he is annoyed- so often it feels like I have a part time boyfriend. He does not like me seeing my friends and especially my ex. When we are together he can be ambivalent, does not often initiate kissing and only tells me he loves me when I say it. He does not communicate well at all, keeps his feelings inside, so if problems arise he gets angry if I try and talk about them- so things fester because they dont get resolved.

We broke up 4 months ago but got back together and its been better. I posted to you when that happened and the general advice you gave was that its probably better to break up. We did for a month but then by a series of hand written letters he communicated so much more than he ever had before so I could see he was trying so we got back together and it has been better-but far from perfect.The thing is,when he is good he is great. loving kind and warm. On my birthday recently he must have spent a fortune on gifts and took me to an amazing restaurant for dinner. When he is feeling social and comfortable he can be lovely. He does little things like putting the tooth paste on my brush when we are about to brush our teeth for bed and write little love notes on my lunch if he makes it for me for work. He is  the one I love, and dont want to be with anyone else.
So I am very conflicted. I can see that it could be a wonderful relationship but when he gets angry, and does not communicate, and pushes me away emotionally, I question ' why am I here? I deserve better' and its me doing all the work, trying to compromise, placate and initiate contact after he has pushed me away for some perceived wrong I did.
I am happy to compromise, work things out with him and reassure him ( I think he is very insecure -feels abandoned by parents cause was adopted and is HIV positive so feels toxic- but I am not prepared to sacrifice everything I value or my friends because he feels jealous and will get angry. So as corny as it sounds I stay because I love him and see the great guy he is. Which brings me to my question.......
Last week my BF was punishing me for seeing a long time friend and being on the computer late at night ( thinking I was hooking up with people for sex- not true) so he would not see me during the week but  by Friday had gotten over it and so we spend Fri night together.On Saturday BF and I spent day together doing social things and it was good. Saturday night before bed I said to bf that my ex (ex and his partner (of 11 years), were visiting from another state.( my ex is one of my best friends, he is lovely but certainly nothing going on between us)  wanted to catch up tomorrow for coffee. I had I told BF that they were coming a few days before.( He does not like them AT ALL !! ) When I mentioned the  coffee invitation BF got So angry, refused to discuss it, would not listen to reason. BF and I had plans for Sunday ( xmas party in morning and a fair in the afternoon) and we both wanted to keep them but he said ' now your ex is here all our plans go out the window' I tried to reason and work out how we could still do all the things we had planned but still incorporate me having a coffee with them ( BF refused to have coffee with them). So I said basically ' my friends are important to me and I do not  like it that you get so angry when I want to see them and if  you use your anger to try and force me not to see them ( and other friends too), then that does not sit well with me' so I said I would sleep at my  house and  I left but said we will still do all that we had planned tomorrow and we can speak in the morning to work out details. Sunday came and BF called saying he is not going to the x mas party. I tried to placate him and reassure him but he refused to go. So I decided to have breakfast with my Ex and partner. After breakfast I went to BF house and he said he is not going to the fair either. Again I tried to  placate him and reassure him nothing is going on with my ex and there is no reason to be jealous but he refused to go. Then BF said that' I ruined everything by wanting to catch up with my ex. We had the day all planned and it was all my fault that we are not going'. This made me so mad !! It was not true! He ruined it all by refusing to go.  I was so furious!! All the frustration that he caused me the past week, the having to defend my self about him believing I am having sex with other people, his rejection of my affection, his punishing me by not seeing me.... So I picked up a cushion from the sofa and slammed it down on the sofa so hard!    I had reached my limit. I cant remember what I said  to him I was so mad but I think I said' I am so angry I could just kill you right now"- but I am not sure I said  it. I dont know...  He said' get out and dont come back' I left but returned a few minutes later and said' I am sorry for hitting the sofa and what I said to you' again he said get out , so I left. That was 3 and half days ago and I have not heard from him since.
I feel dreadful for yelling at him and hitting the sofa and If I did say what I think I said I certainly did not mean it .

I dont know where to go from here. Its always me making the effort, me being peace maker, me being the calm rational one ( except this time! - which is so out of character it shocked me!) and I think " you forced me to this'. and me making the phone calls wanting to catch up . So now I dont know what to think....Are we over? have I by my anger ended our relationship? should I call him? ( but part of me wants to NOT call- its always me doing all the work).

So any advice you can give would be great. I dont want to automatically just want to break up with him, so if you have any advice on how to repair the relationship and  communicate better,I would rather that than just break up. Thank you!!

[glamman]

Does anyone have any comments about my last post? Is my thinking about relationships being for life ( if possible) reasonable? and my views on why I stay in relationships- after their use by date? anything else to add? I really enjoy reading your comments on this site and hearing lots of different opinions.  So It would be great if you had any advice for me because at the moment I am feeling very upset about my breakup, and really feel like I need all the help you can give me. Thanks everyone.  

[glamman]

Hi everyone, thank you for your wise advice. Each of you that commented on my  post had very relevent and true advice.

We have now officially broken up. We both agreed it probably was for the best.  Yes I do have low self esteem ( but thankfully enough self esteem that I have a limit to how much poor behaviour I will accept and how much I will accept someone trying to control me- so for this I am proud of) But I guess I have ' rose coloured glasses on". I want a relationship, I like being part of a couple and just hanging out together. I do have the dream of living together and getting a dog and being together as a couple for a long time.
Meeting available, suitable men is difficult. I have had only a couple of serious long term relationships. I may meet lots of potential boyfriends but for me when I meet someone who I consider as boyfriend material ( and obviously they have to like me too! lol!) and they end up as my BF, its because I have decided (after a lot of considering and thinking it over on my part) that they are a nice person and has good qualities and so I open my heart to them. And thats why when it starts to turn sour It really upsets me. I am a 'quality not quantity' person.  I would much rather have 1 relationship for life than lots of short term relationships. So, then I have a hard time letting go when possibly I should have ended the relationship sooner... I keep trying different things to make it work, and I really work at it. Other friends have said to me about this relationship ( 1yr 4 months)  that I tried everything to make it work with my now ex BF and they would not have stayed as long as I did.

At the start my BF was great and I loved spending time with him. ( and I still do. There is no one that I would prefer to be with than him- just hanging out together, watching tv, making dinner ( and also seeing friends and family) that to me is so much fun. But one day out of the blue 6 months into the relationship he got angry at me for no reason, I told him not to speak to me that way and he stopped, but then a few moths later he did it again and then his anger and lack of communication about why he was angry, became more and more frequent and the fun happy times got less and less. I became stressed and unhappy and unsure, but not enough to want to break up. I stayed 1. because by then I loved him, because when he is great he is great, and he has so many good things about him, 2. I dont want to sacrifice a potentially good relationship before all efforts have been made to salvage it when things go bad, 3. and I have to say it, there is also  some fear that I wont meet anyone else.  And that has been the pattern of his behaviour ever since. The great guy I fell in love with is not the controlling, jealous, angry man I am with now.  So I do feel that I have invested my heart to a man that turned out to be not worth it. I am upset that Its only with time that I could see the 'real' him and angry at myself that I could not see his true colours before I had fallen deeply in love with him and  by then I had such emotional investment that I didnt really want to, and found it hard to, leave.
Any other comments about anything I wrote would be greatly appreciated !!

[specialmom]

Oh, I know this is hard.  I really do.  But I must agree with everyone else here that you should rethink this relationship.  I have no advice on how to change a man that controls you through anger, punishes you, and is so insecure that you can't have any life besides him.  There really is none.  I can give you advice on what to do so that you see how unhealthy it is to stay with a man like that and it is to see a counselor and find out why you would be willing to put yourself in that situation.  

In dating, people are often on their best behavior.  His doing everything in his power to get you back after the break up tells you that this is his absolute best effort.  And he is still mad when you are on the computer and seeing a friend.  He is still punishing you.  He is still trying to control and manipulate you.  This is when he is on his BEST behavior.  It will get worse down the road.  Much much worse.  These situations rarely end with someone "seeing the light" and deciding they've been wrong all along.  He feels strongly the way he does or he wouldn't "punish" you.  

Walking on egg shells, feeling like you can't do things because of his angry response or silent treatment, not being able to be yourself or live a full life is not healthy.  It must feel terrible for you.  And yes, he can be great sometimes.  But his red flags outweigh any good.  

Therapy will help you see that you deserve those good qualities he has and that you can find a man that offers that without the bad ones.  Everyone has faults but your bf's particular deficits are the kind that ruin lives.  

I hope you heed the advice here.  I know it hurts and is scary to think of losing him but I think in the end you will find a better life somewhere else.  good luck

[teko]

Re read your first paragraph and then you tell me what you should do. However, what we should do is not always what we want to hear. You want to hear how you can change this person into what YOU want him to be and not accept who he is. Well, you cannot change someone and that is a fact. Secondly, with as many issues as he has, I doubt that he has the power to change anything without some intenst want to and intense counseling. Right now you are letting the kind things he does rule the relationship and your emotions. But the bottom line is this. this is the best you will ever see and as your relationship changes into marriage, things will go down hill fast and you will rarely see these things that keep you attached to him. It does not matter what we tell you because you already have it in your head that you are in this for the duration. Or at least until you get sick of the treatment. How long that will take is debatable, but I can pretty much assure you that in the end you will cut your losses and leave. The tragedy is how much of your life you will have flittered away in the process. Good luck.

[MommyHJCCMM]

I am sorry that you are in this situation...
This is how an abusive relationship starts.
He degrads you, pushes you away emotionally, and punishes you... The next step from there is the physical abuse.
You are out STAY OUT!

I have been there in the past. It took a lot to get out and now that I have, I am happily married with 6 wonderful children and expecting 2 new additions early next year.

Good Luck!

[seven_iron]

"Last week my BF was punishing me for seeing a long time friend and being on the computer late at night ( thinking I was hooking up with people for sex- not true) so he would not see me during the week"

This is not even CLOSE to a healthy relationship, or a man that is ready for a relationship.  C'mon, you must be able to see that?

You aren't married and while you do have much invested I don't think you are doing each other any favors by staying together.  He has much he needs to work on, and perhaps you have low self esteem?  That you would be with someone who is trying to suck the life out of you and control you?  That isn't love.  That is dependancy and dysfunction.

I have a co-worker who is in a similar situation - her 8 year boyfriend wouldn't let her see friends, take a girl's weekend up at the cabin, kept her literally on a leash.  This man has many traits of a mysoginist.  She begs for help and asks what to do - he treats her horribly - but she continues, year after year to stay in this wretched relationship where each day new complaints about how rude, mean and thoughtless he is to her.  We believe she is now simply addicted to the daily drama of the relationship because she is a catch - and could easily find a kind man to have fun and adventures with.

You can in a very kind way leave this relationship - take some time to be with the gals, do things for yourself, and see if another man isn't a better fit for your outgoing personality.

I don't mean to critisize - I just hate to see people in relationships that seem to cause them near constant angst and sadness - that is NOT the way a healthy relationship should be.

Good luck.

[tbabi20]

So your willing to risk your happiness for a few times that he's sweet? You know everything you said about him tells me that you can't fix him and he doesn't want to do better. I think you need to look at whether he is worthy of your care because your the one suffering to make him happy and for what -because you love. I thought it should be equal. While you may love, do not love blindly. I'm saddened that you haven't listened to the advice of others - you could have saved yourself the heartache at this moment.

He really has no excuse to treat you this way and I think it's best that he broke up with you. Move on and find someone who isn't overbearing and dictorial. True affection will overlook many mistakes, love will not discern them.