Heartbroken for my brother-in-law....

[Ashelen]

So tonight my brother-in-law (Who I've always loved JUST like a brother...sibling rivalry included) came over tonight to tell me and my husband that he has come out of the closet. No surprise. He actually told me 7 years ago that he thought he was gay.....

problem is....he's been married for 5 years and has two beautiful children, one who is only about 4 months old. I am just so heartbroken for what he's going through. Most of the problems between my BIL/SIL and I have been caused by my SIL so in a way it's horrible but I don't so much care that she's hurt by this (she's REALLY not the nicest person to our family..I say "our" but I mean my husband's)....I mean I care, but right now I'm just so damned heartbroken for my BIL...he's such a sweet person and I HATE that he's been living with this pain and anxiety and fear for so long..fear of being honest about who he is. I've always had the feeling that this would happen. DH and I have even discussed before that we believed my BIL would come out of the closet some day...we even said that we hoped he would do it before his kids were old enough to be turned upside-down by this (his oldest is 4 but has some serious  mental delays so he's more like a 2-year- or 3-year-old.

I just...has anyone been through this? I want to give him some hope...let him know that someday he will be able to look himself in the mirror without hating "what he did" to his wife....he definitely loves her, but he's not "in love" with her and he's now doubting himself. He hasn't told anyone else but DH, myself, and his wife. He's terrified to tell his parents; they're both serious right-wing christians with a gays-go-to-hell fundamental belief....and the rest of his family is similar.

I just....what does my poor BIL do? how does he move forward? I told him that the best thing to do with his wife was to share all of his thought processes...to SHARE the fact that he was doubting himself, to SHARE the fact that his biggest fear was that he would continue to live as a married couple with her and somewhere down the line he would HAVE to leave to be true to himself, so that he feels like leaving now and being honest is better...I told him that the more that she knows what's going on in his mind the less likely she is to attribute this to something else, something that would hurt her worse such as he not loving her anymore, or him cheating or something like that.


I don't know...any advice...any prior experiences with this....any words of hope I can give him...I love my brother-in-law very much and I want to be behind him on this 100%...I think he will be staying at our house later tonight after he gets back from talking to his wife and I just hope that I have a word of hope to offer him...all I could do was help him bring his thoughts to the surface, tell him that we love him and support him, and promise to always be behind him and it just doesn't feel like enough

I'm sorry I'm rambling a-mile-a-minute right now but this is just...so sudden. I just hope that he can come to peace with this someday...I don't think ANYONE should live a lie.

-hopelessly heartbroken for my BIL.

[adgal]

I personally think it's fine to pick up the kids.  I would however refrain from any conversation about this right now with them.  Keep it to "have a nice day" and "looks like rain", know what I mean?  I agree with RR that now it's time for them to work through this for the kids sake.  I would suspect his wife will be bitter, and probably for a while.  Hard to blame her, although I do hope she is able to co parent and not put the kids in the middle.  Might take some time though as right now those wounds are fresh.

I hope no one is too hard on him about marrying, having children and then coming out.  So many do deny for so long, and much of it is due to social pressures and religious beliefs.  It's sad because this is what ultimately happens, and people get hurt.  

I am glad he has found a tolerant church.  There are many like that now.  I too attend one that is very tolerant and love it.  I want my son to grow up knowing that everyone is normal and we (and God) accept all for who they are.  

I am so happy to hear your fil and mil took it as well as they did.  I am glad they love their son more then they dislike homosexuality.  This is all going to take some time I know, but it sounds like things are moving on the right track.

Your a good sil you know...and an all round special person.  

[teko]

As a christian I do not believe or agree with homosexuality. It is against what my bible teaches. So is lying, adultry, envy, etc. But the thing that separates things for me is that I have a cousin who was born that way. Yes, born that way. As a small child he took no interest in boy things. At two he played with girl things only, at 10 he like to bake cakes and hang out with the girls, as he got older he never dated a girl and his voice was much like a girl. Later in life he moved to california and openly let his family know he was gay (were we surprised? no). Yet he has been outcast from our entire family other than his mom and dad. So do I believe in a God that would condemn someone to hell because of their wiring at birth? No, I just cannot believe he would be condemned any more than someone born mentally challenged. I do not agree with those who play with it for sport or choose to go there because of sexual appetite alone. I think this is a sad situation for all concerned, and really do not have any advice to give. I do hope they all come to find happiness and it is a shame that it happened this way, my prayers are with all of you.

[Ashelen]

RockRose; that was my initial thought as well but my BIL truly from the bottom of his heart said that he needed us to do it...and we did. It went a whole lot better than anyone could've hoped. His mom was very angry about the divorce but she understands why they can't stick together. His father...well...he said that the one thing he would say was that he will never be convinced that it's not a choice, but that he doesnt' really care what his sons do with their lives as long as they're not killing people or themselves.

And his father actually thanked my for pulling him aside and telling them first because he was able to react to it without hurting his son...he desperately wants to be supportive even though he truly doesn't believe in it and he needed to have some time to collect himself. we're all going out there (me, DH, our kids, BIL and his daughter) tomorrow for the first time since them finding out...I think it's going to be good for everyone involved. I also promised my BIL that I would go to his new accepting church with him, and he was so grateful.

On the light-hearted side of this...my FIL told my husband that if he ever left ME for whatever reason, my FIL would beat the stuffing out of him. I had to laugh...my FIL and I get along so much better than we used to and I love the relationship we've had ever since my daughter was born. and my MIL said "I've always tried not to get TOO attached in case you guys ever get divorced but since my oldest son (My husband) is married to my best friend (me) I can't help but feel attached so...dont' screw up! (talking to my husband".....so one thing good to come out of this for myself was that I realize even more how much my in-laws value me. and for my BIL...theability to freely be himself has got to be the most relieving sensation ever.

his wife is being quite nasty about the whole thing but honestly that doesn't surprise me....I know she's entitled to a little "nasty" as well, but she always had the personality and now that she's staying with her parents I think they're egging her on. I just hope it won't affect the children that she's being vindictive...


my BIL's father-in-law (following meo n that one?) wants to "have a talk" with my BIL...but everyone says that there's no reason for him to have to do that right now. opinions??



so now my other question...(sorry I'm so long-winded..I'm a fantasy writer so I tend to just get overwhelmed with my own words)

BIL wants to know if I will pick his kids up from his in-laws for a few weeks when it's the day for him to watch them...but this is a little more interference in the marriage/divorce than I would prefer....is this OK though? I mean I'm willing to do whatever he needs right now but I need to know is this acceptable in you guys' opinion? so far the only thing I've done to interfere is be a mediator for BIl and my in-laws...but stepping into the OTHER in-laws' world makes me wonder if that's getting too involved...idk. I wouldn't talk to them about anything, just pick the kids up and go....

opinions?

[RockRose]

Ashelen,  I really think you should allow this to be between your BIL and his parents,  and not be a go between for him.  

This is his life,  his choices to get married and have children even though he knew before hand he was gay.  If he's actually READY to come out of the closet and live as an openly gay man,  the first step is summoning the courage to announce it.  If he doesn't have that courage yet,  he's not ready.  

I have a different perspective than other posters here because one of my best friends was engaged to a man who was gay and he lied to her,  and thank GOD she discovered it before walking down the aisle and then having children.  Twenty five years later she's still angry and feeling used,  although she has a great life,  a great husband and kids.  

[Ashelen]

Thank you so much Audrey I think that your POV helped me appreciate what sort of response I can expect from my in-laws as far as religious views...at least, you helped me figure out what I need to say to them to help them understand this more religiously....because BIL has officially asked me and DH to approach his parents about this before he talks to them. He's very delicate right now and he won't be able to handle the rejection right off but he needs their support so we're going to go prepare the path for him. we're going to basically go tell them, try to help them understand, and then stand back and let him communicate with them but we KNOW that their initial reaction is going to result in a lot of insults and judgements and my BIL is just so scared and vulnerable right now...

I'm not thrilled about doing this but I understand why he wants us to. He and his wife have officially decided to split. Now if I could only get my stomach to stop clenching and churning. I can honestly say that this will be the hardest conversation I've ever had to have in my life..including telling my parents I was pregnant before marriage the time that i miscarried....that was easy as pie compared to this.

THank you guys for the advice you've given me now I just need the wisdom to find the words to help my in-laws understand what's happening, and I need the strength to support my BIL and SIL....BIL will be living with us for awhile and I need to find the ability to be his rock because we'll be spending more time together than anyone else (DH works on monday and tuesday but BIL will be here because he doesn't work either day...I may also have to go and help him pack up his things and move out...such a tough thing to imagine doing).

[AHP84]

I don't know if my advice will be much help, but I just wanted to try to maybe give you some ideas for talking to your FIL about this, as you said he might disown your BIL with his gays-go-to-hell belief.
As a Christian myself who wholeheartedly believes homosexuality is immoral, well...so is every sin each person is capable of committing. So no one has a right to judge the situation for your BIL, even his own parents. While I for one do not support the act of homosexuality according to my beliefs, I could never shun, disown, humiliate, or discourage the life of someone who has just realized they are homosexual and have been living a lie. I'm more inclined to be empathetic to the anxiety and they must be feeling, as you seem to be. So I don't know...I guess if I had to approach someone like your FIL to tell him the news about their own child that they will undoubtedly find disturbing, disappointing, angering, etc, and let's say he feels the desire to disown his son because he thinks his son is an immoral pervert or whatever, I'd just gently remind him that it is not our place to judge, and although your BIL is a sinner, well...so are we all in many, many, many different ways. And no sin is differentiated in God's eyes; sin is sin, and He is the only one who has a right to judge that. In that case, every sinful action of every person ultimately puts us in the go-to-hell category.
What I'd do is approach the whole situation in such a way that encourages your BIL to come clean with any lies of himself, which it sounds like he's doing. Then I'd strongly encourage counseling for him and his family (individually or together)--perhaps it won't be so much to keep the marriage together, but rather, for everyone to come to grips with what is. I'd honestly recommend this for any family going through a divorce, because the breaking apart of a family unit is never a pleasant thing. It's a lot to take in, a lot of stress to handle, a lot of hurting...no matter what the situation is that sparked it.
While I wouldn't encourage him to move on in his life homosexually (i.e, "Go out and find a man with whom you can share your life now..."), since that is against my beliefs, I'd encourage him to move on with his life in all the ways that are self-respecting and true, but always, ALWAYS without judgement if or when he ever moves forward in a homosexual relationship.
Also, do your best to be there for your SIL, because I can't even imagine how hard this is on her right now. No matter what is said to her, I'm sure she will be blaming herself in some way, and nothing can convince her otherwise. It will take time to heal, and lots of positive reinforcement that it was NOT because of her. Also encourage her to still seek to co-parent with your BIL, especially since one of their children is special needs. I say that because I know in the beginning, it'll probably be hard for her with resentment and she may want nothing to do with him. But it's so important that both parents should still be there consistently for their children.
I hope this all turns out alright. My prayers go out to you and your family.

[Ashelen]

Thank you Kay I think it's very good that you reminded me of that aspect...and that I can remind him of that as well. It IS a good beginning and a hopeful start...as I told him last night, living a lie destroys you after awhile.

Of course I will be supportive to my SIL. She and I were friends in our own way; we used to hang out just the two of us. It seemed in some ways like she was trying to take over the friendship that my BIL and I had and substitute herself....and so I do love her and I am sorry despite the friction that's been between us.

I'm going to do the best I can to support both of them..my BIL has decided to tell his mom himself, but he asked DH and I to approach his father...there's every possibility that hisf ather may disown him....and right now he's in such a delicate mind frame that he doesn't want to be the first one to tell him; he wants his father to stew over it for a bit before he approaches him and I'm respecting that wish.

I hurt for both of them please don't think that just because my SIL and I have recently had trouble that I don't love her like a sister as well and we WERE close for a long time, so Please don't think I wish her ill or feel like she deserves ANY pain much less something THIS painful.

hoping to hear from him today after he gets off of work....yeah he had to get up at 4AM to drive 2 1/2 hours to his job in another town and he left our house at 11 so I KNOW he was up even later....hoping he can even drive. Ah I'm so worried about him..my SIL has her sister and her parents and her friends but my BIL only has us.

[specialmom]

This is really a hard one isn't it?  For him---------- ah, this is in a way very freeing.  He's jumped off that cliff he's been fearing for many years and ready to fly!  He's admited who he is.  It is unfortuante that the circumstances in his life-------- that he has biased parents that will shame him for it and worse, he married and has a wife that is understandably heartbroken and humiliated by it.  Those put a cloud over his parade.  But I think as his good friend and sister in law-------- you can privately cheer him on.  You can remind him that now he has his chance to spread his wings and live the life he wants.  He is an adult and able to be who he really is.  And that is a big yeah.

For his wife--------- I am very sad.  She gave her life to him as you do in marriage.  They built a home and a family together.  They've parented children and probably been through a lot of ups and downs and this must feel like a terrible betrayel. It makes me sad to think of how she must feel no matter what kind of controller she is in their relationship.  They've got little ones and most likely they will never have their two parents living under the same roof as a couple again.  That is sad.  I think that you also need to support her and show her empathy for the situation.  And I know your brother in law will appreciate this as he feels bad about the situation and hurting her.  

I hope that they both find peace and eventually love from someone that can love them the way they deserve.  They both deservet that and this is a step for that.  I'd hope they remain friendly for the kid's sake.  

But let him know that he is now able to create the life he wants.  The world is his oyster to do as he wishes.  Lots of cliches but that is what a new begining brings.  And he is embarking on a new begining and that is exciting!  May he fly high!

[Ashelen]

Thank you for all of that Amanda...that's how I felt about it, but hearing that from someone I trust so much is so important to me. BIL and I used to be best friends, more like siblings, back when DH and I were first together. he and his brother still lived with their parents and I stayed with DH all the time and my BIL and I would make "2 AM french fry runs" and read books and watch movies together...we always hung out and got along so well...literally he was always like the quintessential "gay best friend" but I never realized it..there was NEVER anything sexual between us and DH loved that we were so close...but when SIL entered the picture he was no longer allowed to go fishing with us, or hang out with us or do any of the things he loved....so I think that his misery was more than even just the lie. She also kept him away from church which is his biggest love in life....incidentally, he has found a gay-friendly church to attend in the future which I think is WONDERFUL for him.

I know that no matter what she did to him in that respect though, he does not wish her ill...and I can't imagine being in her shoes. But I also can't imagine being him and keeping part of himself locked away in a lie...I hope that this is the lancing of the wound and the healing will start once the infection of dishonesty drains away.

I just hope that he stays true to himself and does what needs to be done...he can't continue to live this lie...but he's doubting himself so I'm afraid that he's going to drag this out and try to "fix himself" and end up hurting both of them worse.

Praying so hard for him tonight; I love him like my own brother and I hate that he's hurting so bad...I'm also praying for SIL to find the strength to accept that it's NOT her.

[adgal]

I don't have any family members that have been through this, but I do have a few friends.

Here's the thing...he has been living a lie for a long time now.  Perhaps due to his upbringing (the "gays are going to hell") teachings, or perhaps his own denial.  But as humans we cannot go through life being someone other then who we are.  I cannot even imagine his pain right now.  And that of his family.  In my mind, this is the whole problem with the negative reaction so many in society have towards gay people...this is the result.  Sorry, that sounds mean, but I really believe that.  The suicide rate amongst gay youth is incredibly high for the same reasons.

All he can do now is be honest, which he has been.  This must have been incredibly difficult for him to admit.  He loves his family, but at the same time can you imagine going through life not being true to yourself?  Both him and his wife deserve to be with someone who can love fully.  

He can and I am sure still will be a wonderful father.  Being gay won't change that.  Right now he is probably going through a huge range of emotion.  Ending a relationship for any reason is never easy, especially when children are involved.  But let's for a second remove the "gay" factor....if he was a straight man in a relationship/marriage with someone he was not happy with or did not fully love, and could not be the husband he should be, what would you tell him?  It's the same thing.

What he needs right now is support. One, because he is considering ending his marriage (or his wife may take that decision out of his hands) and two because he is admitting to something he has been brought up to believe is wrong and immoral.  I don't think there is much else to be done.  Both he and his wifes worlds will be rocked for awhile, there is just no way around it.  But at least he is being honest, and that is a great step!!

(((hugs)) my friend.  He is lucky to have you as a family member.