what do I do?

[anonymous03]

I recently found out I am pregnant about a week and a half ago, not the best timing, but it happened. There is nothing I can do now. My boyfriend used to be really supportive and very sweet. He was great, though he has been acting weird ever since we found out about our little one on the way. We're both in college and nervous about it. Though he's really pulled back a lot and doesn't talk to me much. I'm scared and want him there for support. He said he won't leave me, but he's not talking much with me right now at all. What is going on with him? I've asked him about why he's been so distant, but he didn't say anything. What do I do now? I don't want to lose him and I want my boyfriend back.

[SeriousSam]

He is very scared.  He is probably having lots of panic attacks and maybe occasional trouble breathing.

[teko]

He is shell shocked. As you are. Give him some time to clear his head. He wasn't expecting this either and it will totally effect both of you for the rest of your lives. Just try not to pressure him too much and give him the space needed. He will come around and when he does then you will both talk and lean on each other. This is one of life's most major events, and it will do no one any good to panic.

[anonymous03]

I know he is scared, but I am scared too. Though I have stepped up, there's nothing we can do to change what happened, so we have to deal with it. It was a mistake, big one at that, but it's all over and done. I don't think I can do this on my own and I'm afraid he'll run from responsibility. I know that is only my fear, as he has said he won't leave me, but I really want the support. I have gotten a lot of crap from my parents and others, as before I was the straight A student on a scholarship and now I'm pregnant and struggling. My parents aren't being very supportive right now, so I need him there. Do you think he'll come around?

[SeriousSam]

The simple truth is it is not "all over and done with"  you guys are both tied together for life after the baby is born, and he has little or no say in the next 24 years of his life and even less control.  YOU have all of that.  So why shouldn't he be more panicky?

[teko]

As far as him staying around, who knows? That depends on alot of things. Is he and your relationship the lasting kind with the lasting love or is it based on physical attraction and fun times. Time will tell, it doesn't sound like he is jumping with joy tho. Your parents will come around, they are just disappointed and know better than you the hard times coming at you. This was not a parents dream for sure.

[anonymous03]

Neither of us believe in abortion if that is what you were getting at serioussam. Plus I'm the one who can't hide the fact that I got knocked up, my body changes. He can walk away and pretend it never happened. I don't get that option!

He has been supportive before through hard times, like when I had surgery after being in a bad car accident. Though right now he is distant. From my viewpoint, I want to marry him. I don't know what he thinks anymore. Maybe I was just fun and games to him.

[teko]

Kudos to you for not getting an abortion. These things have a way of working themselves out, it will be hard yes, and kudos to you for not taking the easy way out.

[anonymous03]

I don't think there is an easy way out of all of this, no matter what it is hard. I feel like I should have known better than to get myself into this situation. I'm in college, I'm not stupid. I have a high gpa, always did everything "right". It kills me looking at my parents and seeming them so mad at me. I know this isn't what they wanted, but I didn't want it either. I wanted my degree first. I'm so afraid of what will happen now.

[getlykemc10]

How can you call your unborn baby a mistake? Even if you did do everything right things like this happen for a reason. Obviously this child was supposed to come into this world for a reason. You're talking about this baby as if it is some uncurable disease that you caught and not a precious life that you're about to have. You say you've stepped up but you're acting as though your entire life is over. I'm 20 years old now and I had my first child at 18. I had just graduated from high school and I was terrified but I didn't act like my life was ruined or that I had disappointed anyone. Yea I was upset at first but my son was NEVER considered a mistake. Getting pregnant was the best thing to ever happen to me it didn't mean that my life was over or ruined it meant that I was getting an extension for my life. As of right now I'm taking online courses for college and I'm 6 courses away from earning my Associate's Degree. I've managed to do all this while taking care of my 15-month-old son. I'm sorry if I'm being harsh it just upsets me when people act like getting pregnant is the worst possible scenario. Eventually you'll get through it but if keep having a negative attitude about it that baby isn't going to enjoy you as much as you will enjoy it.

[anonymous03]

The baby isn't a mistake, the timing of when it happened is a mistake. I'm over half way through earning my bachelors degree. I'm close and the timing of having this baby isn't the right time. I had it planned that I'd have kids after earning my degree, but the plan has now changed. I know I'll love the baby when he or she gets here, it's just hard when the people you love aren't being supportive at all. I need the support and I'm not getting it.

[specialmom]

I can really relate to having a plan in life and being committed to it.  You go to college and make plans for your future.  I'm sure a husband and children were in the plan someday but not before  . . . well, he was the husband and you were both on your feet and out of college, working, etc.

A baby is a huge undertaking.  I think for now you need to think about your future and that it now has a baby in it.  I am a fan of adoption if one thinks they can not do it alone.  You can not count on the baby's father to be there.  Many a man has run from their responsibility -------- so you want to be sure YOU can handle this.  Your parents will be supportive eventually most likely.  So maybe they will help you.  But I think you resign yourself that you are in this alone for now.

Your boyfriend coming around?  Well, his hopes and dreams of how life would work out have also taken a major detour.  He may be just dealing with that.  He may say that I love her but am not sure I want to spend the rest of my life with her.  He maybe saying this is NOT what I want.  He may be thinking it through.  Whatever HE is doing, you need to think about yourself and this baby.

I'd start making plans if adoption is not an option.  How are you going to support the child?  Insurance may go under your parents for medical costs if you are a full time student------- but there will be copays and additional expenses.  How you will finish school and care for the baby?  What income will you have for the babies needs?  Who will watch the baby?  I know that I am throwing all of the practical things at you -------- but honestly, these things don't just work out.   You have to plan and prepare.  It can be done but you need to really work on how it will get done.  

I had big plans for myself after college.  I'm sure you did as well.  You will now have to coordinate a child into those plans.  It alters things but you'll just have to be more creative.  I wish you the best of luck.  

Oh, and give your boyfriend space.  If you force the issue of him being there right now and marriage------- he'll pull away more most likely.  You do not want to coerce (how do you spell that?)  someone into marriage.  Those usually do not have happy endings.  You want him to discover he loves you enough to offer commitment to you.  But do your best to make the baby part of his life no matter what happens.  

[specialmom]

The end of my first paragraph went bad-------- sorry.  I meant that I'm sure that marriage preceded pregnancy and that both you and your future husband were established in jobs and lifestyle.

I wish you luck.  I know this is hard.  I hope your boyfriend comes around for everyone's sake but realistically you can't count on that now.  The unfair part of pregnancy----------  YOU can't run away and he can.  Ugh.

Best of luck to you and the baby.

[anonymous03]

I was thinking about adoption, though I am not sure. I do want the baby, but I know it'll be super hard and this is not at all how I had thought having my first child would go. I am a full time student and work part time. Though my job has benefits, so I have my own insurance. I have been looking at what online classes are offered through the university I go to, so I can take those which can make it easier on me(a little bit easier anyways). If my parents start being supportive maybe they can watch the baby, but I don't know about that yet. It's all overwhelming right now. I just want to cry. lol. I'm trying to keep it all together. I called my boyfriend this morning, but he was "busy". I don't want to push him to marry me, rather not have him hate me his whole life. Though he does now have a child on the way, and it wasn't just me that got us into this situation. He did this, too.

[specialmom]

Absolutely he did.  I would be feeling pretty resentful myself with the way he is acting.  But again, that is the unfair burden of pregnancy for a woman vs a man.  We HAVE to deal with it and they can just be "busy" doing other things.  I wish he would be there for you to help give you some emotional support and help in deciding the important things ahead.

The reason why I brought up the practical side of having a child is because sometimes we get caught up in "having a baby" without thinking about what it really means.  It is certainly harder than I imagined it to be.  

Adoption is one of those things that some people really balk at.  It is hard, no doubt.  I think all the way around, it is hard to have an unplanned pregnancy.  Adoption is giving a true gift to another family.  Those that adopt have usually desired a child for a long time and have an intense longing to be parents.  They're usually set and ready to go for the care of a child.  Adoption is a beautiful thing.  And then you go on to have the family you desire when it is the right time.  I would never push adoption on anyone because it is very personal and not something everyone would want to do.  But I do see it as a beautiful gift.  So, it is one of your options to think about.  Catholic social services is a good organization as well as many lawyers handle adoptions.  

Again, I'm certainly not pushing adoption on you but wanted to mention it as one of your options.  I'm glad that abortion has been taken off of the table.  Just sit with it all and think.  Your boyfriend leads me to believe that you really must consider this as YOUR situation to deal with.  Yes, he is responsible as well.  But as we've seen--------- he is claiming to be "busy" and what can you do about that.  I guess you could always call his mother----------- I'm sure she'd have a few things to say about it.  But I think your boyfriend would greatly resent that and pull back even further.  

Ugh.  I feel for you dear.  I wish you luck.  

[anonymous03]

I had thought about adoption, but my boyfriend's parents are really excited about having a grandbaby. If they knew their son was acting like he is, they'd probably slap him upside the head. He's been a great boyfriend up until this, I really don't get why he is all of the sudden "busy" now when I need him there. He called during his lunch break to check up on me, but we didn't talk much. I really don't get him. He's acting so weird.

[specialmom]

Well, this is a pretty huge thing.  Babies are wonderful things but they do change everything.  When you are in college and you are looking at getting your education, setting yourself up to get a good job AND trying to have a good time . . . it is hard to picture where a baby will fit into that.  Probably even more so for you but you don't have the luxery of pretending it isn't happening.  He sounds like he is scared p oopless.  Ya know, I was married and we were trying to conceive and had been trying for a long time . . . and my husband still during my pregnancy confessed that he was nervous and scared for what the baby would mean to our relationship and his life.  So, I think at the very least ------- your boyfriend is absorbing this.  He may go through a period of being distant.  He may come back to you and be supportive.  But if he does not, don't rule adoption out because his parents are gung ho for a grandbaby.  They won't be the ones up late at night, taking courses on line and losing the valuable in class experience of college, changing diapers, feeding on a schedule and really just trying to hold it all together.  Having a baby is hard.  Not everyone perceives it that way--------- but I can just tell that you are a thoughtful young lady and do not want this baby to have anything but the best upbringing.  You aren't going to ditch the baby every chance you get to go out, etc.  You'll be a dedicated mom. And that takes a LOT of work.  So as your pregnancy progresses, you can think about this and think about what you want to do.  You have time to make the best decision for all concerned.  Can you ask your boyfriend about adoption?  His reaction may tell you a lot.  

But I think his acting weird is pretty normal under the circumstances.  It IS a big deal to bring a child in the world and changes one's life.  How many times can I wish you luck----------- but you know--------- I just wish you luck with all that must be going through your head right now.  

[anonymous03]

Thanks! We had talked about adoption before I had gotten pregnant, and he didn't like the idea. In the beginning when we had first started having sex, we talked about what would happen if I got pregnant. He always said how he would be there, we'd get married, and would help to raise the baby and make sure we had all we needed. Though he isn't really living up to his word right now, as he isn't talking to me much. I haven't brought up the topic of adoption again since we found out I was pregnant. I know it's a lot of work to raise a baby. I've seen a few sides of it all, watching a few friends and cousins go through it. My friend is a single mother and I have seen her struggle. My cousin gave her baby up for adoption and struggles, too. I really don't know what I am doing yet.

[specialmom]

And you don't have to now.  This is an important decision and you have to live with it and be comfortable with it.  No one can tell you what to do.  I wish your mom would come around as well and offer you some support and an ear to discuss all of this.  She will come around but it sounds like everyone is just getting used to the idea.  

You don't need to know exactly what you are doing now.  You can think about it and weigh the options, pros and cons and make a decision when it is necessary.

Try to make sure you are getting rest and taking care of yourself.  Worry and anxiety can derail our health.  Hang in there and we are here if you need us!

[SeriousSam]

First of all most fathers WANT to be part of their kids lives but 85% women polled wanted the father to have nothing to do with the children once the father was no longer involved with the mother.

That having been said-thankfully so far as adoptions go thankfully in most states if she tries to put the baby up for adoption the dad gets a chance to keep it.

That having been said I was not advocating abortion rather that this is a situation where her boyfriend has little or no control over what is going on,  Sometimes knowing that you have options even if they are unacceptable ones you would never take can be stress reducer.

Regarding mistakes... of course getting pregnant at this time is a mistake.  But with lots of hard work they can take a mistake into a blessing.

Keep in mind though while parenting is rewarding no one is a natural parent and that a person who claims to be is lying to themself.

If you work hard, make some sacrifices and work with the other parent-partner or not parenting can be very rewarding

[anonymous03]

It's all just a lot to think about. I would talk it all over with my boyfriend right now if he wasn't "busy", isolating himself. I love my boyfriend, but right now he is driving me crazy. He can make me so mad. I hate the way he is acting right now. He's not normally like this at all. I don't get him. It's not like a whole lot changes for him right now, so I don't get why he is acting more terrified than me. My cousin offered support and said she'd help me through it with anything I needed. I know I can borrow her maternity clothes, her son's old crib, etc. I know I can be a good mom, though I want my baby to have a 2 parent family. If my boyfriend leaves, then I think I'll be leaning toward giving the baby up for adoption.

[anonymous03]

I get that you're trying to show the man's perspective, but he had a choice. He made the choice when he has sex. Before I ever slept with my boyfriend I wanted to know his views on abortion. I believe every baby deserves a chance at life and if my boyfriend thought differently, I wouldn't sleep with him. I wouldn't want to get pregnant and be pressured into have an abortion. I think the reason most women don't want the guy involved is because he isn't being a respectful/responsible father. I think everyone has seen an example of that. I can use my cousin's ex as an example of that. It's sad really. I would hope my boyfriend wouldn't be one of them, though he's not exactly putting himself in the best light. I'm really hoping he comes around and is just having a hard week.  

[specialmom]

You have only known about the pregnancy for a week and a half.  It is very new to both of you.  Sometimes we talk about things but then it feels very different when it actualy happens.  I'm glad you have your cousin to lean on and talk to about this right now.  You need someone like that.  

You don't have to know what you are going to do right now.  Maybe your boyfriend will come out of his daze and step up to the plate.  I hope so as that seems what you desire most.  You sound like a young lady with your head on straight here and thinking about all of the aspects involved in having a child.  That makes me know in my heart that you are going to be okay.  It is going to be okay.  

I agree about a two parent family.  That is the ideal.  If you decide to give the baby up for adoption, you can still have contact in what is called an open adoption.  If you keep the baby and your boyfriend does not marry you or stay with  you, you should always make him a part of the child's life.  Kids always want to know that they are loved by BOTH parents whether they live together or not. Ideal is best but when it is not possible, you make the best life for the child that you can.  
Sleep on this, take some time to think-----------  but I'm telling you, my gut says that you are going to be okay.  Peace to you.

[SeriousSam]

Give him a little space, I know this is rough for you. Dear god I truly do.  However be patient even though you don't feel like it because you are under stress too but if you are careful you really could walk out of this, if not with a marital partner, at the very least a best friend and a parenting partner.

Fathers sometimes have a rougher start but more often than not are just as good or better than mom's with kids if you looked up the stats on single moms and single dads.  Consider that 71% of deaths of children involve the mother, of those 60% are boy kids.  There is evidence that only a small amount of male homosexuality is genetic, and that a larger portion of them involve usually strong maternal personalities interfering with bonding.

BUt that being said neither the possession of ovaries or testes necessarilly makes one sex or another a better parent or, as recent studies show--disposable.  Children really do need both parents ideally to grow up well balanced.  If you look around at some of these posters many of them recommend ditching the male partner all the time even though many of them remained married for the whole time they raised their kids.

Be patient and take the higher road and I really do think your path will be easier over the long run, and your child will turn out better for it.

Good luck.

BTW?  I am not really a fan of abortion though a lot of the "pro-lifers largely disgust me because they are not for birth control and think that their responsible ends at preventing the abortion but not at ensuring education housing or anything else.

Honestly I think a society can and should be judged by how it treats kids, elderly, madmen and parents.  And there is no greater responsibility than that of a parent.

[SeriousSam]

Just out of curiosity what type of birth control were you guys using?