Sexual Health Community
sex life after the affair
About This Community:

This forum is patient support community for questions discussing Birth Control, Fetishes, Foreplay, Intimacy, Masturbation, Orgasms, Partners and Relationships, Pornography, Positive and Negative Sexual Experiences, Virginity, Safe Sex, Sexual Orientation, Sexual Surrogates, Sexual Positions, stimulation, and toys. This forum is not for STD or HIV related questions. For these questions, please visit our STD or HIV forums.

Font Size:
A
A
A
Background:
Blank
Blank
Blank
Blank Blank

sex life after the affair

I've been married for 14 years with what was what I considered a very fulfilling sex life until about 3 years ago when things changed.  I didn't know it then but my husband was having an affair for almost 3 years and after he slept with the other woman things changed in our bed.  During the affair we suffered major marital problems that seemed undiagnosed, now that the truth has come out we are trying to rebuild the marriage, it's been a year since the affair was revealed.  For months my husband has worked very hard to try and make things right, more time together, communication about where he is at all times, dinners, movies, lots of talking, you name it he's really doing everything he can to make it right again.  However I am overly aware that something is missing from our sex life for a very long time.

You see before the affair we had such an emotional connection during sex, he would hold me so close and kiss me deeply and whisper in my ear things like "you feel so good" or "I can't get deep enough" or "I love you so much" and tons of things like that, that made me feel so wanted and connected and special.  He would tell me to look at him and stare in my eyes.  I mean to me sex couldn't possibly get any better, it was like the whole world disappeared while we were together alone.  

Needless to say after he started seeing another woman our sex life became almost non-existant.  Now we have it more frequently but it doesn't feel the same to me.  For the most part we don't kiss much, he never looks in my eyes, he doesn't utter a word to me.  I've cried about this, I've talked to him about it a million times and he just says that sex is the same I just don't see it anymore and just because he doesn't talk to me anymore while we are having sex doesn't mean anything.  He's still just as into it, he says he just changed and that people change and that I shouldn't expect him to be the same.  He says he's just not into talking during sex, and that's just it.

Also, since I found out about this I am really insecure, and this seems to surface during sex more than ever.  When we are together I start feeling sad and overwhelmed with what he did and I almost cry, I want him to reassure me, I want the comforting man back that I had before the affair.  I want him to repeatedly tell me he loves me, and whisper in my ear that he's sorry for hurting me and tell me things like "I'll never leave you, you are safe now".  He tells me no man would like a woman like that and that's something men don't do, and I'm too needy during sex.  

When the mistress met with me she told me he'd hold her and tell her she was so beautiful and remind her that she was the only thing on his mind.  Now I have it set in my mind that if he did that for her, and used to do it for me, he should be doing now but since he's not I feel he left his sexual desires in her bed and she's the one he'd rather be having sex with not me.  He already knows I feel horrible that she's 9 years younger than us and has no children, her body is 100 times better than mine which makes me feels very sad and undesirable.  In July it will be 4 years that I don't know what it's like to be wanted.  I'll send my husband texts saying "I want you so bad" or whisper that in his ear only to hear nothing back.  I long so bad to feel a desired by him, I long so bad to know what it feels like to hear him say I want you so bad, or hear him whisper in my ear while we are having sex the way he used to and no matter what he just will NOT do it, we kiss and  have close face contact very minimally during sex, he never speaks a word to me unless I say "I love you" and then the most he'll say is "I love you too" and that's it.  I feel so inadequate after the betrayal and in the bedroom aside from an increase in sex he seems to refuse to do anything for me that I really want.  

The bad part is the rest is so good, he loves to perform oral on me and physically do really pleasurable things but I don't feel the emotional connection because of the changes in him and it hurts and saddens me.   Am I asking too much?  Could it be that he just would rather be with her?  Could a man just "change" after years of being so expressive and passionate in bed?  This is a huge and painful issue for me and I don't know what to do!  It's making dealing with the affair even harder, in fact some times it makes me feel like I can't go on in the marriage!
Related Discussions
8 Comments Post a Comment
Blank
740456 tn?1260453409
sweety i'm so sorry you're going through this =(
I, unfortunatly dont have any real answers for you on this topic. I just wantedt to say hang in there, getting cheated on *****, especially when you feel the other woman is more attractive... and especially when it's hard to get back into the swing of things =(

Have you sat your hubby down and bluntly told him how his change in the bedroom makes you feel? telling him "regardless of whether you think i'm being irrationnal or emotional, when you act that way it makes me feel undesired... you dont have to understand WHY i feel that way but you DO have to understand it's an issue. Now how can we fix it"

I'm sorry, i wish there was more i could say.
Good luck and keep your head up =)
Blank
575741 tn?1235673354
First of all I would like to say that you are a very strong and caring woman to forgive such betrayal....I was thinking though... with the issue involving your husband saying sweet things to you before, during or after sex....maybe he doesnt want to say those things to you because he did say those things to the "other" woman....maybe that was his way of making you and "her" feel wanted and connected with him.... I know this doesnt benefit your needs and desires but if you try and think about it from his side.... he uttered those words to the woman he cheated with.... if he's trying to move past his betrayal and trying to make everything right with you again... maybe saying those things brings back what he did to you...I dont know....but I'm sure he loves you the same, he seems to be showing it in other ways....but if I were you and the "other" woman was telling me how he said those things to her... I would never want to hear anything like that come out of his mouth again....to me it would bring back the betrayal...all I would think about is "oh this is your technique"....Sorry personal opinion...
Blank
Avatar f tn
I just found this post today as I was searching for some help online and your story touched me deeply. Your post was 5 years ago and I wonder how you and your husband are doing. I sure hope he has come around to verbal reaffirmations of his love for you because I know how important they are to a survivor of an affair. My husband of 15 years cheated with my very best girlfriend. The affair lasted 8 months - we were social couples and she and I were inseparable together - sharing intimate details of all aspects of our life and kids including our sex lives - it all happened right under my nose I never noticed a thing.

We reconciled after the **** storm erupted and like your husband he worked very hard to do everything he could to reassure me. Like your slutty woman, my best friend has a body like a supermodel with fake ****. I had a lot of **** to work through. Proud to say I lost 60 lbs. I never spoke to her since the day I found out and haven't run into her either. There is no way I could have done what you did - confront her and ask the hard questions. There are just some things my mind could not let go of. I know that. But also, because of her betrayal - which in many ways I feel is even worse than the one my husband committed - I would probably just want to wrap my hands around her throat and break her neck, so giving her a moment of my time or even one word is too much of a waste of my time. She is worthless and deserves none of my attention.

Its been 2 years since the reveal, and we've had a really good run. Lots of intimacy, sexting, dates, better sex, strong future plans. I love him more than I ever did. I know he feels the same. BUT. That was then and this is now. As of late, the texting has slowed, the dates are infrequent now and impotency in the bedroom has increased. Also, he very rarely pleasures me - I'm talking once a month if that. Sex has decreased to once a week. I've stated my discomfort with all of this he just reassures me its pressure at work, not me, blah blah blah. He just left this morning for a golf trip with his male friends for 5 days and I initiated sex before he left but he couldn't get an erection. I fell into tears and was inconsolable, which is probably not the best thing - but  ALL I can think of is he never would have not performed for her. I know thats not a fair comparison - an affair is a sexual energy completely different from real life - but still. I plan on calling our marriage counsellor for an appointment together - we stopped counselling over a year and a half ago. Maybe that will work but in the meantime I'm feeling too old to be wasting my time like this. I need to have better sex in my life I've wasted too much time already. Anyone have some advice?
Blank
139792 tn?1447663565
Ageing does play havoc with sexual activities.If medial complications are ruled out, one can add few exercises to add vim and vigor to sexual activities. Male and female deer exercises, kegel exercises, Navel yogic lock,  and others like kundalini yoga.You may find number of exercises to enhance sexual pleasure.
Kegel is quite popular for strengthening pelvic floor of a woman. It will be useful for man as well.One can kegel each other alternatively during intercourse. For man prostate internal and external massage can also be done to excite sexually.Cooperation from both the partner is reqired.
Blank
Avatar f tn
Your story reads so much like mine however the discovery of an affair is only one month old for me. I have been married 21 years this Nov.

I thought we had a good sex life before having our son and after he was born it was a rare occasion kind of sex-life. I always felt very connected to my husband regardless of the sex aspect which I know now was so wrong. I confronted him about our issues in the bedroom several times and he always pointed out my lack of initiation. I have to admit I thought about it but never saw why this would be such a deal breaker in the bedroom. I missed it and it made me very sad that we were not physical in bed other than cuddling.

After bringing the affair out in the open we agreed to start over. We gave our intimacy a jump start and sex is often and good. It has been a short time but the efforts on every level have been noticeable. I do have a big issue though he cant orgasm. At first he admitted that emotionally he is in a bad place. He is seeing a therapist weekly and I am hoping this will change.

I am an emotional roller coaster because some days I am obsessed with the person whom he had the affair with and also with everything to do with his on-line activities. I found dating services and other sexual content that I cant get out of my mind. I get that for years we were more friends than anything. How do I move forward!

I hope you can enlighten me. I realize your post is close to a year old, how are you doing today?
Blank
139792 tn?1447663565
Google prostate massage. There are 4 types of massage. Read Anal Peripheral prostate massage. Do this massage to your partner, or let him do it . This massage will stimulate prostate, in turn he will be stimulating his sexual system.It is claimed that it is better than kegel massage for sexual recovery. He may also do male deer exercise.
Blank
Avatar m tn
My husband of 25 years cheated on me for 8 months and even left me for 7 weeks. It has been 7 months since his return and things are a rollercoaster.  I always thought our sex life was great before his affair.  We had a dry patch for a few months and he became so disconnected from me. Then he began cheating (I did not know).  Now he is back and the sex is fantastic but he does have bouts of impotency that never occurred before the affair and he never initiates sex.  Before affair--3 times a week. now? 3 times a month and it's always me initiating (it was twice a day the first three weeks he was back).  I feel undesirable. I know the other woman isn't in the picture. He says that his eyes are opened to the "new" intimacies we have like holding hands and hugging. It just isn't enough for me.  He is loving and thoughtful and apologetic but I feel like I am not enough.  I am up for anything in the bedroom and he could take it or leave it.  I wish this was an answer for you but at least you know youre not the only one.  Sometimes I think it is the guilt that keeps him from initiating sex?  sometimes I think the impotency is because he is thinking about her and the guilt sets in.......
Blank
Avatar f tn
It sad n I'm sorry. This shows how strong women are .my husband had been cheating on me since our 4years marriage n had 2kids with 2mistresses I caught them right handed on other affair .n only to find out its been 2 years affair mistress  had 4month baby with her on scene  hubby baby .n they just had sex that night when i caught them it pains me cos i had 2miscarrages n dr said i cant be pregnant .seeing tht bby i wanted 2die cos ive been trying 2hav child for 5 years but nothing is 10 months since the incident im still with him but love n sex is not same like b4 marriage he always dont hav money .every now n then i remember the scene i get angry cant love him .he seem good pretender to love me will say do things that make you happy go out .do shopping see family n friends be best mom
Blank
Post a Comment
To
Blank
Weight Tracker
Weight Tracker
Start Tracking Now
Sexual Health Community Resources
Top Sexual Health Answerers
139792 tn?1447663565
Blank
Dalubaba
Indore, India
Avatar f tn
Blank
remar
st. louis, MO
Avatar f tn
Blank
clement4now
Sactown, CA
11369760 tn?1449507972
Blank
YardBull
Southwest , MI
80052 tn?1358657300
Blank
jefelex
way off the beaten track!, BC
1622896 tn?1448199822
Blank
bobdylan1958
Somewhere ?, United Kingdom