This patient support community is for discussions relating to pregnancy concerns for teens, ages 13-17. Please note, this community is not intended to discuss how to conceive. Questions regarding this will be removed.
I dont know how to say it any other way, but Im a 24 year old guy and over last christmas break I was spending alot of time hanging out around my 17 year old first cousin who had just turned 17, who is a junior in high school and very cute and she had been having problems with her longtime boyfriend at the time; in any event, we ended up making out at first, and eventually having unprotected sex several times over one week and now i just found out she's pregnant.
Neither she nor I ever told anybody about our relationship, and although we've kept in touch since then, I think that the family is assuming it is her boyfriends. The problem is that she had not had sex at all until she did with me, and even though she initially came on to me and I should have tried harder to resist and turn her down, I didnt and now she's pregnant. I dont know if she and her boyfriend became sexually active afterwards or not, but she was raised by very religious parents who were strictly against pre-marital sex, and she is a very active christian herself, so its hard to say.
Look, I know I messed up, but Im willing to do what's right, if I could find someplace that allows 17 year olds to marry their older first cousins, which I think is something that would be important to her, even though Im not exactly a devout christian Im very open minded and willing to do the right thing - if I just knew what that was!. Ive recently been admitted to Dental school this upcoming fall, and I am truly absolutely willing to own up and face the consequences, and either marry my cousin if thats what she wants or let her come live with me and let me help support her and the baby, as I could get a part time job to make extra money while Im in school.
I just dont know what to do about this or how to go about it! when she and I visited about it briefly on facebook chat she's at a total loss for what to do and is looking to me for guidance and support. Since she is such a devout christian cannot imagine that she would contemplate an abortion, but if she did that would be her decision and I would support her, but Im not going to suggest it to her unless she brings it up first. Although she hasnt said anything about marriage yet, Im pretty sure she wants to be married before having a child, and I suspect she'd say yes if I decided to ask her, although under the circumstances its hard to say. I know its going to be hard on our families anyway around it, but Id rather try to man up to my mistake than either be another absentee father who just sends a child support check or let some other guy take the blame.
First, get a paternity test to see if the baby is yours, since you don't know if she slept with her boyfriend, too. Then you can go from there.
Second, you have to face what you did and take responsibility. You slept with your first cousin, which can lead to birth defects. Also, you are 24 and she is a minor(age 17), which means this can be looked at as statutory rape. If her parents wanted to, they can call the police on you and you will forever have the title of a sex offender.
I don't think your cousin is as "devote" as you call her, since she so easily had sex with you, her cousin. Any strong Christian in their faith can turn down sex. Talk to your cousin and have her get a paternity test. Then deal with the consequences of your actions.
That sounds real bad, but you should definitely get a paternity test to be sure, like the other folks have said. its a totally messed up situation, but i do think you should get at least some credit for saying that you would support her and the baby.
its weird that she was your cousin, but Ive known other people who hooked up with their cousins before. i have an older cousin who is totally hot, and ive kinda flirted with him before, and if it weren't like a totally hillbilly thing to do, id want to date him. except that its wrong. But yea, i think people used to do it more than they do now, but some one told me that its illegal to marry your first cousin in alot of states.
and speaking of illegal, 17 is young and all, but i definitely like hooked up with guys who were in their twenties when i was 17 - it really depends alot on the person...but yea, you like really need to see what the age of consent is whereever you live. i think its different in different places, like sometimes its 18, sometimes its 17. you should really look into that.
oh and don't take this the wrong way, but i thought everyone knew that theres always at least one of the jesus freak girls who has a wild side. im not saying that about your cousin, im sure shes a nice christian girl and all, but have you seen that movie Saved? you shoulda known better.
No judgement here for you or your cousin. I believe she and her parents are devout, as you state. See, Christians are not perfect, they are people. If they were perfect they would be God. So no matter the sin, God is not through with us yet. My main concern is that you knew she was in a bad way concerning the relationship with her boyfriend. This should have put you on guard that you would be thinking for both of you. I understand that things happen, but you had several chances to stop making the mistake. (1)The "on the downlow" thing to do would be wait until the baby is born and see what paternity tests bring to light. If she did have sex with her boyfriend, she may be tempted by the stress and lead him to believe it's his without getting the test. That would be a disservice to everyone. (2)The manly thing to do would be to go with her to tell her parents that you and she had sex. Then find out the first day of her last period and use a pregnancy calculator--these are NOT foolproof. Support her as a family member--she is not your girlfriend-- until paternity is established. And please, don't the two of you make another mistake by getting married. Being an unwed mother is not the worst thing that can happen to a person. Let God be her bridegroom. Also, do not further tempt yourself with the thinking that "she is already pregnant" so what do i have to lose. You should only be with her in the company of her parents or yours.
Becksmokes - the cousin thing isn't about it being "hillbilly". First cousins can have children with severe birth defects. Which is why it's bad to have any sort of relations with your immediate family (grandparents, parents, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, first cousins...). It's not just taboo but can produce children with serious health issues.
As far as the age goes...it's not about how "cool with it" the person is. There are laws against an adult being with a minor. 17 is a minor. There are some states that have a lower age of consent and depending which state the op is in, if that age of consent is NOT below 18 he can be prosecuted for statutory rape, corruption of a minor and be jailed/fine and/or have to register as a sex offender. And it does NOT matter if the sex was consenual or not. According to the law...a minor can not consent to sex. Even with someone of the same age.
So, I've been looking into it and from what I can tell the age of consent here is 17, which is what I thought it was. Apparently 16 or 17 is actually the age of consent many places in the U.S., but 17 is very common. Even thought my cousin is really young looking, and she has just barely turned 17 recently, it does make me feel slightly less paranoid.
I also had a heart to heart discussion with my cousin earlier tonight, and I drove in several hours just to go see her and talk about things in person. First, she said the baby was definitely mine, and that she had no doubt about it and there was no way it could be anyone elses. I know thats not exactly a paternity test, but if that's what she says, then I believe her.
Second, she said that she is going to keep the baby no matter what, and wanted to know if I'd be there for her and the child. When I looked into her eyes, I couldnt help but promise her that Id always be there for her. She cried a little, but tried to smile.
Then she said that she wanted me to know that it was very important to her as a christian that the child not be born out of wedlock. I told her that if that was what she wanted, then I agreed. She cried a little more and hugged me tightly and thanked me over and over. I almost didnt know what to say so I just held her and kept telling her that it was going to be alright.
I think Im still in shock at all of this, so Im not sure if she or I are thinking clearly, but I guess its all I can do to act on instinct. She still hasnt told her parents that Im the father, and she wants me to be there with her holding her hand when she tells them, which I told her I would be glad to do. Through out everything Ive tried very hard to be agreeable to whatever she asks for, and supportive of her in anyway possible, because I dont want her to feel like she's in this alone. I still dont know how her parents are going to take it, or how my parents are going to take it, so any advice on how to approach those discussion is greatly appreciated.
I don't know how much advice you will really get. I can't see her being this devout christian you keep making her out to be if she's so willing to have sex with family, regardless of anything. Sure, people are human and have hormones. That is in NO way an excuse. If I went out and killed someone and said, 'sorry, it was hormones' would I get off scott free? Hell no. She needs to learn self control, and so should you. You're 24, it's time to grow up and be more responsible than that. (Yes I'm being very harsh, and you both need it)
You ask over and over what the right thing is. I know this much, and it's not to marry your cousin or to even be involved in any way with her. You already are putting this baby at higher risk of defects. Now imagine this child's future and what this will do. Who wants to admit they are inbreed?
As for family, don't be shocked if it goes extreme. I know if I were in your place, my family would disown me, the father and possibility the child. And I know if my daughter did the same, I'd probably be disgusted with her as well. There is no nice way to get around any of this. You know what needs to be done, so do it.
yea, this is a totally messed up situation, and this guy knows that he screwed up royally, but i do kinda think everyone is being maybe a bit too harsh and not too helpful.
I suppose its appropriate that someone, or everyone even, tell this guy that he is a sleezy jackass who needs to grow up, and that this girl obviously isnt a perfect christian since she slept with her cousin, which there is no excuse for - all of which may be totally true..
but all the judgment any of us can pass on this creep still wont pay the child support if this guy bails and it wont fix the situation if the poor girl is kicked out of house by her parents.
If the girl doesnt want to a) get an abortion or b) try and claim its her boyfriends, then her only option is c) tell the truth and face the music. seems like thats 50/50 at best. maybe her parents will be ok and will keep supporting her and help her raise the baby without the cousin in the picture - if so, great. but what if the super strict/religious parents flip out and disown their daughter like someone said - then what? should she turn down her cousins offer to help and go straight to a womens shelter or homeless shelter? does she call child protective services? go on welfare? if it came to it, are any of those better options than going to live with her cousin? im not sure they are - they may be - but i dont know.
Philmore - Don't take her word for it! Like others have pointed out it's apparent she's not a completely devoted Christian and could very well be lying. Get the paternity test. Don't be locked into a situation if you don't have to be. What you did was wrong. You do need to own up for it, but if there is a chance she's lying and the child is not yours...find out. Don't be guilted into doing anything if you don't know for 100% sure. And her crying isn't a paternity test. It's a scared little girl who knows everyone is going to be mad at her and is trying to shift some blame to somebody else. Despite her not wanting a child out of wedlock...well she should have thought of that BEFORE having unprotected sex. That ship sailed...GET THE PATERNITY TEST!!! Do NOT just believe her and marry her. That could be the worst decision of your life. Even if the child is yours...don't marry her. That is your first cousin. If any other children were to be produced...those risks of birth defect is still there and you could end up with a brood of children with serious health issues. Don't risk it. Even if this one child would turn out fine...the next one may not.
Think with your head. Not about what is "right" as far as marriage goes. Do own up and pay child support and be a father if the baby is yours but in this situation...marriage is most definitely NOT the answer if the baby is yours. IF.
Your cousin saying it is your baby does NOT count as a paternity test. You do need to have an actual paternity test to see if this baby is truly yours or not. I don't care how much you "trust" her, you still need to get the test done. Don't be guilted into anything. And even if this baby is yours, I still think you should NOT marry her. You would put this child at a very high risk for birth defects and if she wanted more children, you would put them at a very high risk. Plus the children could forever be made fun of being that they are inbred. Do not marry your cousin. If this baby is yours, then be a man and pay child support, but do not marry your cousin.
Penswriter's last comment about your cousin not wanting to be an unwed mother is right. You had sex several times with her. Why no protection? This is the fault of both parties. DNA. She may have gotten pregnant before or after you.
Last night I drove over to see my cousin and talk to her about getting a paternity test done and the two of us were up in her room with the door closed, about to have that conversation while my cousin was cleaning up her room a bit and packing a few things, when her mother knocked at the door and came in.
My aunt seemed really upset, like she was trying to hold back from saying something. It was quiet for what seemed like a while minute, and I got the feeling that she already knew. When she spoke, her lower lip was quivering and she just said coldly "you two better go right now before my husband comes home". I started to say something, anything, about what she was talking about and how I she understand and I heard my cousin sniffle a little bit like she was going to start crying; but before I got the chance to ask any questions she interrupted me again.
She said something like "No, you dont understand. My husband is going to be home any minute and if he finds either of you here, its going to get ugly. You need to leave right now. "
My cousin tugged at my arm, and I looked and saw that she was very worried looking, and had tears in her eyes. She was so upset she had trouble speaking, but managed to say that she wanted to go right now before he got here. I looked into her eyes and I couldnt say no. I was freaked out, partly because my uncle is a big guy, much bigger than me, and partly because all of this was moving way too fast for me to do anything about it.
My aunt picked up two bags on the bed that my cousin had been packing and handed them to me and said again louder that we needed to go right now and that I needed to take her with me and leave before her father came home. Again I wanted to say something, but I couldnt think of what to say or what to do, so I just took the bags and hurriedly walked out to my car with my cousin. My aunt was ice cold the whole time, never saying she loved her daughter, never showing any sympathy, and never even saying good bye. My cousin got in the car like she was ready to go. So I just drove off and headed back to my apartment with my cousin.
I wanted to talk to her so badly about what happened, what was going on, but she was either quiet and didnt want to talk or she was crying and wanting me to comfort her. Either way it was a long ride back to my apartment. She said that she wants spend her spring break with me, which is next week, and I reluctantly agreed.
I'm not really sure where this is going right now, because things seem to be moving faster than I can keep up with.
Don't just agree with what ever your cousin says. Talk about getting the paternity test done and I'd also bring up the option of adoption vs keeping the baby. I'm sorry this is happening, but you took that chance when you had sex with your cousin. These are the consequences. Take things one day at a time.
I don't know how many more times we can tell you...get that paternity test. DON'T BELIEVE A WORD SHE SAYS! Tears are easy to turn on and off. She's going for sympathy and pity. She doesn't want to be the "bad" one in this. She's going to drag down anyone around her and hun...that's you. She is not as devout a christian and good girl as she's leading people to believe. It's not that difficult to refrain from sex. And for her to do it multiple times, unprotected with her cousin...if she did with you chances are she is with someone(s) else.
Don't let her stay with you. Find a friend or other relative. It will lead to nothing but more trouble.
Sweatpea and Penswriter are so right!! I realize this is a hard situation. You better get some help right away. You are going into dental school? Ask your planning counselor to get you in with someone you can talk to and get help from. These services are free on university campuses. And it is time for your cousin to live with another relative or go to DHS for help with lodging and medical care--they should also know that a minor is not living with her parents. BirthRight/BirthJoy/AlphaCenter can help her with her needs and counselling for both of you as well. I hope this is not your child as you are NOT ready. I would also suggest you speak with a clergyperson if you can't get to another counselor. I think I will have to remove this from my watch list. I wish you the best of luck and even more, I hope you wake up and get it together.
Thanks for everyones suggestions, and I really will get around to getting a paternity test done before too long. I dont know much about how paternity tests are done, where to get them, or how much they cost, so any specific information is appreciated.
I also have been thinking more about the marriage thing, and looking into it more, and Im not sure we'd be able to get married anywhere before she's 18 without her parents consent, since it seems thats the age most states require. Since my cousin just recently turned 17 last month and she says she thinks she is about three months pregnant I dont see how a marriage would be possible at this time, but I told her Id keep looking into it.
As far as not letting her live with me for now, I guess that is a harder sell for me because I could never ask her to leave knowing she has no other place to go. Besides that, its actually been really nice this week having her around all the time. Other than the fact that she is apparently a compulsive chain smoker of almost two packs a day, she's probably the best roommate Ive ever had. Im still trying to get used to her constant smoking, because although I knew/thought she was just an occasional social smoker back in December when we started seeing each other, I had no idea how much she actually smokes; ive already had to buy her two more cartons because she was running out. She says shes going to try to cut back because she knows its bad for our babys health, but that shes just so stressed out right now its hard to quit, which I guess I understand.
But seriously, other than her constant smoking, she really is great to have around. She does all my laundry, makes our bed, cleans up around the apartment and has cooked (or at least tried to cook) every day this week. My apartment has probably never been cleaner or more welcoming to come home to after work and I think she has really enjoyed playing house, which is something I think shed be good at because she makes a really cute little housewife (although shes already calling herself my wife, which is kinda weird, but I guess works since we already share the same last name). She also claims she wants to drop out of high school after spring break, which I think is a really bad idea, but I guess I cant really stop her if thats her decision.
Again, all of this is moving so fast, its hard to keep it all in focus. Right now what Im trying to figure out is what do I do at the end of the week, when her spring break is up. I cant send her home, because she says her father wont speak to her, so it looks like we may have to live together for the foreseeable future. That seems workable, and I will admit it is really nice having her around because she so sweet and loving, but little logistical things will have to be figured out; for instance, she only brought enough clothes for a week, four blouses, two skirts, and only one pair of shoes but no socks, which she claims to not like wearing anyways. I could never in good conscious ask a girl this sweet to leave if I knew she had no place to go, especially not my cousin.
I dont know how to resolve this, because honestly its beyond me. If we dont have this figured out by the end of the summer, I suppose she could move down to live with me when I hope to start dental school, which frankly was never my original plan, but I dont know what else to do.
She just turned 17 a month ago? You were sleeping with a 16 year old?? Ugh..this gets more and more disturbing. Over 5 billion people in the world, and you choose to sleep with your cousin?
Before I go on a tanget...you need to stop and take many steps backward. You seem to be under the impression you're doing the right thing, and I'm sorry, you're not. You've let her stay with you, that's cool. But from how you worded it, she's also sleeping with you. You're letting her chain smoke, when she's pregnant. She also apparently wants to drop out of high school and is saying she's your wife. Do you understand how wrong this is, and on how many levels? Or are you blind to that fact as well. SHE'S USING YOU. She knows she screwed up and is dragging you down with her. She doesn't want to own up or face what has happened, and she knows her tears and sympathy work and you're letting her walk all over you. You're showing all your weaknesses, starting from when you gave into her coming on to you.
Think about it, and ignore the big picture. She's 17, and pregnant. Teen moms already have a rough enough life. Now she apparently wants to drop out of school. Statistically high school drop outs make next to nothing. Jobs don't want anyone that doesn't graduate, and being that she's young and qualified for nothing, they especially don't want her. Next, she wants to get married. She claims it's because "she's religious". Why does that even matter at this point? Religion clearly hasn't up till then. Incest, sex before marriage, I'm sure the list goes on. Again, from an outsiders view, it's because then she can rely on you more. She knows you'll support her and her baby and she won't have to do a thing. You're clearly not thinking at all and are willing to give into any and all of her demands, and you can't. You need to learn to get a backbone and stop letting her walk all over you.
As for the paternity test, that won't be done until the child is born. There's something doctors can do called an Amnio, but it carries a rate of miscarriage and usually doctors won't do it just to find out paternity.
And now I'm done. We've tried explaining the consequences of all of this too you. The risk to this child and any future children, the fact those children will be tormented in school for being inbred and being the butt of everybody's jokes, she's barely 17...which this is satutory rape fyi, she's sleeping with you...
This situation is so messed up...I feel bad for the child. good luck and I hope you wake up to reality.
Oh and her chain smoking is adding to the risks of defects to the baby. So now the baby will most likely REALLY have issues. My parents WEREN'T related but my mom smoked...I have a bad heart and serious asthma. If this baby is yours add in the risk of birth defects from being inbred and the constant smoking...that baby has everything going against him/her.
Your story has changed up a bit. I feel like you are a sick individual. Normally I don't say things like this on help boards. Either you need serious professional help or this is all a mean-spirited joke (and you need serious professional help). If you want to know paternity, a test called CVS (Chorionic Villus Sampling) can be done after 12 weeks gestation.
clysta is so right, it sounds like your cousin is totally using you. it may be your baby but you dont know for sure until you get a paternity test. i know you think youre just trying to help fix the situation but your really not. it might be ok for you to let her stay with you for a little while until she can move back home or find a better place to go, but you cant let yourself get trapped and it sounds like you are just giving her whatever she wants.
and yea, the smoking. i totally know how easy it is to addicted, ive been a pretty heavy smoker myself for years and when i was pregnant a little over year ago i couldnt quit no matter how hard i tried because the stress was awful. for alot of unrelated reasons i ended up getting an abortion, which i totally regret, but it was my right and my decision and now i have to live with it. i think its totally ok for your cousin to have the baby if thats what she really wants, but she better be ready to deal with the consequences and it sounds like shes not. if shes having the baby she needs to try to at least cut back on her chain smoking. maybe she should seriously think about adoption, i dont know.
will you please do yourself and your cousin a huge favor and go get some counseling ?
Everyone has already pretty much said everything I would say...even when my hormones were raging, I used to be able to share a room with my male cousins who were of an age with me, and sleeping with them NEVER crossed my mind. yuck. but what's done is done. what can be fixed is what you do from here.
Just so you know...her age is the LEAST problem you will face when wanting to marry. THe fact that you are first cousins is illegal as far as marriage is concerned in most states. There's a reason for this. it's BAD for breeding. your child has more than double the risk for any birth defect. and in case you aren't figuring this one out, I'll explain it to you. You share the same genes. the - same - genes. so any birth defects that would normally be diluted by mixing with DIFFERENT blood, will in fact be magnified. often blood mixing with like produces horrific birth defects, and this is why it has been outlawed. most people don't even need the law to tell them it's wrong though. we are hard-wired from birth not to be attracted to family as a genetic safeguard. people with mental illness can overcome this safeguard, which is why there are so many cases of incestuous abuse.
personally, I hope your uncle catches up with you. at this point, send the CHILD home. let her go home and be with her parents who can care for her, and help her with this child and the medical bills the child will probably wrack up. deal with the consequences of your actions by facing your uncle. you're an adult (she is not) therefore you are responsible for what happened, and you must stand up and take what comes. the bible tells us this, since you're so "devout". you are ruining her life, and the child's life, by doing what you are doing...I'm not kidding. do you know how outcasted she and the child will be? "you slept with your COUSIN?? EWWWWWWWWWWW" "your mommy and daddy are cousins??? GROOOSSSSSS" and that's not even using the vile words that children use to hurt their peers...just picture it for a minute. sit down and really imagine what their lives are going to be like if you try to turn into a happy little family.
you have messed up. make amends by doing the right thing, which is NOT marrying your cousin, but sending the child home where her parents can care for her and help her raise this child. no one will need to know about his/her parentage as long as no defects occur that make it obvious, and that's truthfully the best for all involved.
I really do appreciate everyones suggestions and thoughts during this difficult time, I think it has helped provide me with a different perspective that is helpful to hear, even if I dont always agree with it.
Firstly, I should say that these past several weeks of my cousin living with me have been some of most stressful, yet most intensely loving Ive ever known. Even though I sometimes have made bad decisions, my cousin loves me more and more every day with a passion and intensity that can be almost frightening at first, but which is actually quite nice. If any of you have ever had an obsession about anyone then you know what I mean, because my cousin is absolutely adorably cute and head over heels, madly in love with me, and even if its a little overwhelming sometimes, its hard not to like that.
Secondly, ive started to learn more things about my cousins background and homelife these past several weeks while shes been living with me and pretending to be my wife to be. Apparently her home life was somewhat abusive, particularly her father, and her mother was silent about the whole thing. I had literally no idea about this until just recently when I was talking to her about when she might want to go back home, but that makes everything else make alot of sense. What she said also make it clear to me why she doesnt want to go back, if her father was anywhere near as abusive as she has said he was, I would feel absolutely awful for trying to make her go home to that environment.
Thirdly, Over a week or so ago, before she told me about her past with her father, I had called their home and left a somewhat friendly, good natured phone message letting them know she was doing fine, and that I was encouraging her to move back home when she was ready, and letting them know they were welcome to call or come by and visit anytime, and that we should all work together to make the best of this as family. Her parents havent called back, not even once, which I find very telling. They have my number, my address, and they know how to get in touch, its like they just abandoned her to me to deal with, and are just walking away from the whole situation.
Lastly, despite all of this turmoil and chaos, I really think this situation is fast becoming a turning point in my life where I am forced to man-up and take some responsibility, not only for myself but for others as well. Even though I still havent gotten a paternity test, I grow more and more sure every day that this baby is ours, and I grow more and more determined to be a good father when the time comes. And although my cousin and I are still adjusting to living together and sorting out all kinds of different issues, from her finally agreeing to at least try next month to cut back on her constant chain smoking, to me agreeing to help more with doing the dishes and other chores when I come home from work. I realize that she is still quite young, almost 8 years younger than me and alot less mature, but that shes going to look to me for guidance, even when I dont really know the right answer. Its hardly perfect, but then again, what is.
I believe in hope and that god sometimes works in mysterious ways. I dont know that this is gods hand, and in fact it has made me doubt what little religion I had left, but strangely enough, it has also given me hope that I can make this right for her. With all of these different considerations in mind, I just wonder if there is anybody out there who gives us even a small chance of being able to work this out?
Truth? no. you will always put the stigma on your child of incest. your cousin, who is a child herself, will suffer the rest of her life for being incestuous as well. never mind that you had sex with a minor...your cousin, the minor.
you have created a sh*t stew and your child will pay the price.
I would wish you good luck but....I wish the child good luck.
HEYY, wow seems like everyones being harsh here, But im here to help and not tell you what you did wrong because it all already happened adn natheng u can do to go back. So listen up! i think what you are doing is AWESOME! you should definitely stick with her and learn to love her as she is the mother of your baby and considers herself as your wife! And with the whole most people saying its wrong to marry your cousin! I come from a very cultural background and most time cousins get married to each other, its not wrong, well in my point of view beucase i grew up seeing and knowing that so its seems perfectly normal to me! And if i were you i wouldnt let her go abck to her house as to what you've mentioned about the abusive parents! SO NOT SAFE! for both your cousin and her baby! Man from what Ive read from all YOUR posts,i believe you're doing your part the very best way you can! Even though it'll be a little tough, speically because expenses will increase! Everyone makes mistakes no matter how great they are and im glad you're there for her at all times! Shes 17 and shouldnt be going through this all by her self! but you also need to satrt learning responisibilty and how to SAY no at times , for example buying her packs of cigerretes! And about the defective babies! DONT worry about it.. Ive never seen one so far with all those cousins getting married in my family or relatives and their familes!! so i would say to relax and go with the flow! you seem to be on the right track! listen to ur gut and not what other people say beucase they can simply hurt or say something that can ruin what uve got for your cousin and your baby! I WISH THE GOOD LUCK & ALL THE BEST :)
I'm with Ashelen. It's one thing to do the right thing (taking care of her and the baby) it's another to continue sleeping with her, letting her say she's your wife...etc. I think it's disgusting, and quite frankly think you need serious mental help. You'll do whatever you want, and I only feel pity for the baby and the kind of life it will have.
theres nothing wrong with calling her a wife.. people jst learn to accept other as wifes and by others what i mean is people with out the same blood.. i think its fine to call her a wife, same blood people can be married ( accept brothers and sister from the same parents) but them two are from total different parents, so its alright.
PhilMore87 i hope you dont take in what people say and jsut do ur part! AND do a lot of reaserch on the baby and how to look after it and all three of you guys will be FINE i guarantee it!
I just saw this for the first time, and I actually kinda agree with missy_s on this, as crazy as it sounds. I mean Philmore87 has messed up loads, and may or may not be creepy in real life - but it really sounds like he's trying to do the right thing here.
Shes prolly better off with him than with her abusive father. As someone who had to run away several times from an disfunctional home environment, but had no where to turn, I can say that being sent back into that situation is horrifying and would probably scar her for life. I think a safe, loving home is way more important than the cousin deal, even though its wierd. Far and away, the most decent family I have ever known is my great aunt and uncle from Alabama who are cousins and have been happily married for like 40 years, after a teenage wedding and pregnancy to boot. Its hardly the worst thing ever.
maybe im missing somehting but I dont know why everyone beats this guy up about his cousin's smoking, its not like he puts the cigarette in her mouth and makes her smoke it. maybe Im way bias because Im a smoker myself but it sounds like she was smoking before she got pregnant, so shed probably be smoking no matter what. At least he said he's trying to get her to quit, and that she agreed to try to quit, what else is there.
and really I think this age issue is just wrong - Shes 17, thats the age of consent, what else is there. I just dont think the age difference is a big deal at all, and I always dated older guys when I was her age, but I guess I have some pretty strong opinions about this based on a traumatic personal experiences, so maybe I shouldnt go into that now. To me, the abuse issue is far and away the most important. If his cousin wants to marry him so she doesnt have to go back to an abusive home, then I get that. This guy just better worship the ground she walks on and really take care of her and the baby.
Everyone is going to have their own opinions. The majority of people WILL find this disturbing. Some won't. This is a public forum asking for opinions, and not all of those will be polite. In today's society this isn't acceptable by many. It's just a fact of life that has to be handled. I just find it amusing that all of these "complications" are coming into light now.
It is NOT normal or acceptable in the U.S to marry first cousins. Their child (ren) (if God forbid they have more) will most likely end up with horrible birth defects. Those children will be labeled and tormented. They will be ridiculed and tormented for being incestuous and having children. They are being EXTREMELY selfish. Yes selfish. To this child and all future children. They are giving them absolutely no hope of a normal life at all. I have first cousins who married and had children. those children are SEVERLY mentally disabled and have been teased, picked on their entire lives...they are older than me and I'm turning 26. They (the two cousins who married and the children and the children's children...yes unfortunately one of them reproduced and that child has problems) were all disowned from our family. Nobody talks to them. Not one person. Their neighbors avoid them like the plague. (They lived down the road from my family growing up. I was allowed to play with all the other kids...except them.) In school they were called names and had zero friends. Their parents ruined their lives by being selfish. Which is what these two are doing.
These children (your cousin and her baby) will NOT have a normal life. She's your MINOR cousin....blood relative. A child. If you were a man...you would help her by finding her another place to live and NOT marry her and stop ruining not only the baby's life but hers. There are reasons why marrying first cousins is illegal in most states.
Again, I appreciate the advice and suggestions, even though some of these comments are hard for me to read without taking in personal. I believe everyone here is just trying to help, which is why I try not to take it too hard when I ask for opinions.
Its hard for me to reconcile some of the harsh recommendations to "kick her out" or "send her back" when I now know what an abusive and dysfunctional home she was living in. This is especially true these past few weeks when my feelings for my cousin have been growing, and its shifted from me just liking her more toward me starting to develop a stronger sense of love and affection. When I look at her now, thinking of her not only as my cute younger cousin, but as a sweet mother to be, its hard for me to want to be more protective of her and for me to feel obligated to help provide for her and our child.
But despite my unabashedly growing feelings for my cousin, and perhaps naive hopefullness that we can find a way to work this out, there are two issues that have been on my mind.
First, is that just yesterday I received a letter putting me on the Waitlist for the dental school program I had applied to and was hoping to attend in the fall. This has been very depressing to me and throws a wrench into all manner of my previous plans, as I have learned that there appears to be only a slim chance Id get in off the waitlist.
In the short term Ive still got my job working retail which is fine for now and I may have some possibility to be considered for a promotion to an assistant manager position by the end of the summer. With my current employment at least Im able to pay all the bills for my modest apartment, and still have a little left over each paycheck for things like gas, groceries for two, cartons of cigarettes for my cousin, or other necessities, as well as occasionally some extra clothes. Even then money for things like clothes can be tight; just last week I bought my cousin a three-pack of small plain white tshirts, a pair of white keds shoes she absolutely loves, and a pair of elastic waist capri pants she wanted from old navy, but didnt have any leftover money for anything else. The poor girl still doesnt hardly have any clothes though, and its not like she can really wear any of my clothes, since she is tiny and my clothes are way too big for her. Seriously thought, I feel bad sometimes because she has no sweaters, no raincoat, and still doesnt have a single pair of socks; although when I mentioned that she reminded me that she literally never wears socks and hasnt in years, which I find somewhat strange, but probably beside the point. I just worry how Im going to buy those things for both her or the baby in the future if I dont get either go to dental school or at least get a promotion. For now, I suppose I can just keep my fingers crossed about the waitlist, but if that doesnt work out I can always try reapplying to programs for next year, while I try to deal with all of these issues.
Secondly, is that Ive decided that my cousin and I should at least go seek some type of counseling. I wouldnt call it marriage counseling quite yet, but something similar to that, to help give us access to at least some professional medical assistance and counseling. Ive had alot of inner turmoil over this issue, but with so many people recommending that we at least evaluate counseling options, and some spurring on based on peoples responses.
I can certainly say that I am becoming increasingly hopeful that we can find a way to make our budding relationship grow into one that is healthy and lasting. But as a couple we still have issues to resolve that counseling may help with. For one, she is apparently still smoking at least two packs a day, sometimes three, and is showing no signs of genuinely trying to cut back. While I may be able to eventually get used to her incessant chain smoking, and I guess I wont object if she really wants to continue smoking after the baby is born; but I do think she needs to at least make more effort to try cut back on her smoking during the pregnancy. The other thing thats become a bigger deal lately, especially for me since I really do value education, is that she has completely skipped school for the past two weeks since her spring break, and Im not sure shes actually able to get credit hours for this semester at this point due to excessive absences. At first I was very adamant that she must go back to school after spring break, but after everything about her abusive father started to come up, and she was crying uncontrollably all the time, I decided to not push the issue at that time. Even though she is dead set on dropping out of school, I am still really really in favor of her completing her education, and at least getting a high school diploma. This is something that I think a counselor may also be able to help her with as well.
I dont mean to make that sound all gloom and doom, because deep down I think she and I could have a future together. She certainly thinks so, and keeps asking me about when are we going to get married, which is something I just dont see happening soon enough for her, mainly due to silly legal restrictions where we currently live. Nevertheless, I grow to appreciate the little things she does for me more and more each day. I know Ive said it before but my apartment is literally spotlessly clean, as I think she is a compulsive cleaner who cleans even more when shes upset or nervous. Now, except for the constantly overflowing ashtrays in every room, which I know she cleans out every day, my place pretty much constantly looks like a model apartment showroom. Shes also gotten into tackeling laundry with a zeal. Now, all my clothes are super organized, shirts pressed like you'd get from the cleaners and everything, and she changes the linens on our bed literally every day, which is probably a good thing. I have never met anyone who is so loving and affectionate and frankly I think she just enjoys spoiling me in every way she knows how. All of which makes it hard for me not to like someone like her who shows her love with a passion and intensity that Ive never experience before.
But even with that rosy picture in mind, when I take two steps back, I see the glaring structural issues with our relationship, mainly the considerably age gap and the fact that we are first cousins. Although Ive had different girlfriends in the past, Ive never lived with a girlfriend, and so there is alot of adjustment that both she and I are still going through. Although I am still concerned about how the birth of our child, and our relationship will be received by the rest of our family socially; I think the extreme seriousness of the situation with her abusive father trumps any and all of those issues. The fact that she is just now able to talk to anyone about it, and that Im the only person shes discussed the details with, makes me feel even more obligated to take care of her and our child.
I know this situation seems to be fouled up in almost everyway imaginable, but that is precisely why I have asked for advice and suggestions on how to deal with it, and it is precisely why I have made an appointment for us to go see a counselor week after next.
You need to understand one thing though. There are many, many people who have come from abusive families. I was one. My dad raped and beat me for 15 years, and then my step brother raped me too. I found my own way out and am now happily married with a daughter. You don't have to send her back, but that doesn't mean you need to continue a relationship either. You both seem to think that just because she's pregnant or came from an abusive home you both have to be a couple and that's not the case. Counseling should help you to both understand a bit more, and it's good you're getting it.
Okay, I haven't read all the responses and I don't know if this guy is in the US or if it is different in the US but in the UK it is perfectly legal to have a relationship and marriage with a first cousin, it is not common but it does happen, so I don't personally see them being cousins as a big deal and it certainly doesn't mean that there will be anything genetically wrong with their baby.
Now she is a bit younger than him, again, I don't know all the legal in's and out's for the country he is in. In many places the age of consent is 16 and this does sound like it was a consenting relationship. I know I was having a sexual relationship at 16, I am now 36 and that man is my husband and has been for 10 years, so again I don't see the big deal.
But there is a baby coming into this world that is going to need loving and supporting, and by the sounds of things a very young woman who is going to need some support too, sounds like her parents have abandoned her. It may take some time to figure out how your relationship is going to work so I don't think jumping into marriage is a good idea but good for you by sticking by her and the baby. Don't take advantage of the fact that she is cooking, cleaning and doing your laundry, that won't last! When she has a baby to look after those things will be the last things on her list and she will need your help to keep the house in order!
I would try to encourage her to finish school though, if things between you guys don't work out she will need qualifications and and education in order to make a life for herself and she will regret it down the line if she doesn't.
Lastly her health, she is pregnant and needs to look after herself. Smoking can put the baby's health at risk. Has she seen a doctor to confirm her pregnancy? Is she taking prenatal vitamins and eating healthily. All things she needs to be doing.
I just read that WHOLE thing and it took me FOREVER!!! Wow....but to be honest, it seems like the whole story is something to get everyone all riled up!
If it is all true then man you guys have quite the crazy lives happening and I feel for the baby.
Also through the whole thing no one has ONCE mentioned adoption. I believe if this were a real situation then that would be the best thing going. It would mean yes there would be a baby but that baby would have a stable home life and in a MUCH better situation.
Now this baby will be born with a major social stigma attached to it. Obviously your family will not be around to help or even love this child either. Your can kiss your career goodbye seeming how you will now have to work to help and support her and your child. She will have just as hard of a time even finishing high school. And with her smoking...the baby will NOT be healthy and I would be completely surprised if it was with smoking that much. And on top of all this...is she getting medical help and has she gone to the doctors? You'll also have to pay for all that I assume.
Good luck buddy...nice read!!
I just read this for the first time. First off, no, children born of first cousins do not all have birth defects. In many cultures this is quite common...just because it's not common in the US does not make it uncommon in the rest of the world. Some of the comments are just plain nasty..sorry, but they are. How many times do we hear of guys not stepping up and taking care of their child and the mother. This guy is. Perhaps not the best situation in the world, but he is trying to do what is right here.
Now, maybe I am taking this personally. However, my aunt and uncle are first cousins. Yep, same grandmother, their mothers were sisters. They did not grow up together, met as young adults and fell in love and got married. They produced two beautiful, highly intelligent (and genetically normal) children. My cousins whom I love a great deal.
There are plenty of places in the world where this is commonplace. Perhaps we should all slow down and look at the whole big picture before being so quick to judge. He is trying to do what's right here..take care of his child.
And I am also curious...as to the stigma associated with the child. I didn't realize kids today asked about the relationship between their parents. Times have changed.
Look, this is not an ideal situation. 17year olds shouldn't be having babies. But, I have to say, at least we have a situation here where the father is stepping up to the plate. I also agree adoption would probably be in the childs best interest, no argument there. But lets step away from the birth defects and the social stigma. It certainly wasn't the case for my family although it did create some waves for a while. Cousins having a child is not the horrible thing it's being made out to be. The issue here is a young girl finding herself pregnant. No different then any other teenage girl in this situation. Let's not beat up the guy that is trying to take responsibility.
I agree that you should show her your support, but I don't think living with each other (or at least sharing the same bed) is a good idea. You two need to SLOW down and look at the big picture here. She got pregnant before a relationship was even in the works with you two. Just because she's pregnant doesn't mean you need to jump into a relationship or get married (especially since it sounds like it's illegal in your state). I personally feel that any relationship that takes off this fast is doomed for failure.
Yes, you're cousins and you've known each other your whole lives. However, you've not been romantically involved with each other and there is a big age gap. Also, I understand your reluctance to send her back home since she came from an abusive household. But, I came from one too. I was sexually abused by both of my uncles while we lived with my grandparents. You can't use her abuse as a reason to keep her with you and marry her. Marriage isn't the answer here. Yes, you need to man up and help her provide for your child, but she's still a child herself in many ways. She's not emotionally mature enough to handle this situation obviously since she's using it as an excuse to ditch school. It's imperative for her to finish high school at least for that baby's sake.
If you can barely provide for you and her now, how are you going to be able to provide for your baby? This is something you two need to seriously consider, and if she's going to refuse to go to school then she needs to get a job and be responsible. Playing house is all well and good, but she's adjusting to living with you and your spotless apartment may or may not stay that way. You two don't really know each other all that well since you haven't lived together.
A couple of things that you have said have really struck me. You said that it's hard not to like how "madly in love with you" she is. Yeah, I get it. You enjoy feeling important and feeling like you matter. You like having her intense teenage love for you blow your head up., but do you actually like her enough to marry her and be her husband? Or do you just love her intense idolization of you? Eventually, having her in your pocket is going to get old and frustrating especially since this is happening so fast. You both need SPACE. And I honestly don't believe in any way that you love her in a way that a husband is supposed to love his wife. You said you felt weird about her calling herself your wife already, yes I agree that it's really weird. She sounds almost hopefully delusional. She's not your wife and should not be referring to herself as such.
You two need to sit down and make some boundaries before this gets even more difficult. Stop sharing a bed, make her go to school or get a job, make her cut down on cigarette smoking (it's harmful to your baby and you're enabling her to smoke by buying them for her. It's also illegal and you could get into trouble for contributing to a minor), don't allow her to call herself your wife, put some distance between the two of you. You need to take several steps backward before you both commit yourself to this relationship solely based on the fact that she's pregnant and you both think each other is attractive. If you value her frienship and love you would do this. In the long run you'll both benefit from it.
I agree, counseling at this point is your best option because obviously you aren't listening to anything anyone on here has said, and you probably won't listen to me. I also agree that maybe you two need to look into other options as far as adoption as I don't think either of your lives are ready to take on the responsibility of a baby at the present time. You want to further your education which is wonderful...and she wants to play house. Either way, a retail income isn't enough to make ends meet if she isn't going to help provide.
I was thinking about this last night. You said she had a very abusive relationship with her father. She has now been full out rejected by her parents. I am not surprised she has latched onto you. She is envisioning a dream life...what I call the "Leave it to Beaver" syndrome. I think this is probably fairly common in teenage pregnant girls. She is picturing the perfect life..the adored wife with the perfect house and the perfect baby. Reality will be a shock to her. The others are right. She needs to finish school and perhaps even start at college. She needs to have the opportunity to make something of herself. She is so young. Encourage her in following this path. It's important.
I do think your probably a really good guy. I do think you are trying to do what is right. But I agree with the above poster. You need to be the adult here and really think through what that is. Yes, this is your child and if she chooses to keep the baby you must take responsibility, both financially and emotionally. Perhaps someday that does mean marriage. But to do that now would be a mistake I think. Trust me...real marriage and parenthood is not playing house...it means dealing with real life and that can throw curve balls. You need to have a strong enough and mature enough relationship to deal with the crazy things that come. And if your not ready for it, that crying baby and messy house can get to you.
A crying baby and messy apartment (which is will be messy once a little one arrives as your priorties shift) can and will cause tension between even the strongest of couples. My husband and I have a very strong and loving relationship, but even we have our ups and downs simply because of the added stress of taking care of another.
I've been thinking about this as well, and it simply would be a mistake to marry her at this time. She's not ready emotionally or mentally, and I'm not sure of many seventeen year olds that are. She needs to grow up and realize that she needs to get an education. And, if she refuses to go to school, you need to make her get her GED and then get a job. It's important for her to provide for this child as well seeing as how you obviously can't support another person without her working too. You need to stress this to her. You can not support her, yourself, and your baby on this income.
I totally agree, Im am one who's been in this situation. I was raped at 13 by my first cousin and got pregnant as most I was afraid to tell anyone and I also didn't realize what was going on at that age, when I finally did get to the doctors I was six months pregnant almost seven. It was to late for an abortion so I decided to keep my son who is now 13 will be 14 August 31..... As for my son is a very happy healthy child with no disabilities so I can say all children born from cousins dont be born with something wrong. We don't have any contact with my cousin(his father) and my son has been perfectly fine...
i think everyone should relax and let him do his job! and yes dont get married right away! u guy can still live together and raise a baby if you guys decide to keep it. But as to what alot of people are saying they are not in the situation and i am not as well so we dont really understand exactly what is going on through your mind. Since most people are saying things off easily like dont do this dont live with her, you guys are cousins so don't get married but, what i think is that you've mentioned how you've began to create real feelings for your cousin! dont let anyone ruin that!
i hope the police dept. from where you reside doesn't catch wind of this. You will be sent to prison for the stautory behavoir. U may be deemed a sexual offender. please....please...please be careful. I Hope she can reconcile with her parents. best of luck!!!
Have you checked the legal consent age? If she is that age then you don't have anything to worry about regarding cops and whatnot.
She needs to quit smoking. Cutting down is NOT an option. She needs to quit. And you might as well put the cigarette to her mouth and make her smoke. You are enabling her to put your childs health at risk by buying her cartons. That needs to stop. And that would free up how much extra money???
I do applaud you for standing up and trying to make the best out of a messed up situation. Marriage is not the answer though. I will say that do not think that this relationship is appropiate at all, but hey I don't know you or her and I am not here to judge you. So I do hope that everything works out for the best interest of the child most importantly, but for yall as well; relationship or not.
the more i read about it the more it seems like this guys is prolly ok, just trying to do whats best under tough circumstances. and didnt everyone already beat the dead horse about the age of consent thing and figure out its like irrelevant since its like either 16 or 17 in the overwhelming majority of states the US at least according to wikipedia. since i think the age of consent there is like 16,so there should be like zero problem since shes 17. this is a teen pregnancy forum afterall and tons of people here were probably in relationships too intense for them when they were too young, which is how they ended up here, so maybe we shouldnt be all casting the first stone and all. im just sayin.
in all fairness, while this guy totally messed this up in so many ways at least they are going to get counseling and see a doctor to get it right. although i was kinda unsure at first the more it sounds like this guy is trying to do right. yea she prolly shouldnt smoke so much when shes pregnant, but if she was smoking before she was with him she can prolly get cigarettes on her own, at least he said hes trying to get her to quit. im sure if it was me in her shoes right now id totally have trouble quitting smoking too.
from what i can tell it sounds like relationship or marriage is the biggest question, along with education. while i would be the first to say school isnt for everyone, it sounds like everyone here, including the guy, agrees she should go back to school. the marriage question is of course way, way harder, and i think the jury may still be out on that one.
He stated above that the legal age of consent where he is is actually 17. Apparently she also only just turned 17 about a month ago, and is around 3 months pregnant, possibly four now since they began their relationship in December. So, technically he can be charged with statuatory rape seeing as how when they began having sex she was under the legal age of consent for their state. He would also most likely be charged with incest simply because they are cousins. Also, from what he has said, I have gathered that it is also illegal for them to be married in their state because they are first cousins. So the marriage situation is moot unless he wants to pack her up and drive to a different state to be married, which isn't going to solve any of their problems. Yes, he is trying to be a stand up guy and do the right thing, but marriage isn't really going to solve any of their issues.
@beckysmokes: I'm sure that smoking can be very hard to quit.I don't know personally,but I have heard that. But he is enabling her by buying her cigs. You are right that she can get them from elsewhere as she has condisdering she was smoking before they got in this situation, but he is helping her in hurting their child by being her provider of that. That's all I was saying. :) He seems like a good guy like you said, He just made a really stupid decision.
I know it seems harsh to some people, but I was raped for 3 years by my first cousin...and I've lived my entire life with the label of "incest" in the back of my mind. I can't even begin to tell you the damage it did to me growing up- I always identified myself as a freak and disgusting and thought I would never have a normal, healthy, sexual relationship. because here in the US - sex with your first cousin IS incest, and it does carry a huge taboo, regardless of how it may be viewed elsewhere. And yes the child may not ASK "are you cousins?" but don't you think he/she will figure it out when he/she hits, say, 14 and figures out that auntie is also grandma? kids are pretty smart, and a teenager that finds that out and views it the same way that other Americans do is going to be horrified...I was horrified and I was innocent in what happened to me.
I understanding wanting to step up and do the right thing, but not only is the "right thing" the wrong thing in my opinion, it's ILLEGAL. for both her age at the time the sex started and because of their relationship...I'm sorry, I won't sugar coat it. I think trying to get married and life as husband and wife is a HUGE mistake. I think that you should be a part of her life and help her raise the baby if you don't want to adopt it - consider adoption, btw..seriously consider it - but I really think that you're going to cause more problems than you're going to solve by living with your first cousin as a wife.
this is coming from a child who knows how bad the label of incest hurts...trust me, it destroyed me..even as a child I knew it was wrong that my first cousin had done those things to me - and yes, at that age, it was just as bad to me as WHAT he had done. it wasn't until I was a teenager that WHAT he had done faded but WHO he was stayed with me, and does to this day.
anyway...that's why I get so upset about this. I really think you should reconsider this little charade of husband and wife...you don't have to send her home, but stop sleeping with her- it seems a little like you're taking advantage of her naivity and the fact that she has nowhere else to go...but that's just my opinion. you're goin to do what you want, obviously you haven't taken advice so far.
Ashelen, my heart goes out to you for all of the pain you have been through. abusive relationships when we are young can leave people scarred, believe me i know. its hard to even talk about it. so before i say anything please know that nothing i said about this guy or his messed up situation is meant in any way to diminish the signifigance of your personal experiences and i have the utmost respect for your opinion.
im totally not defending this guy at all, im just saying that every situation is different. im not sure what the laws are everywhere else, but it looks like there really are totally different laws about age of consent from one state to another, like in a ton of states it really is 16, and in others its 17 and in a few its 18, like in arizona, california, flordia, idaho etc, at least according to wikipedia. this guy may or may not have looked up the right info, who knows, it wouldnt be the first time he made a mistake. but if they were in alabama, or georgia, or south carolina, or mississippi, or arkansas, or oklahoma, or any other number of states where the age of consent is 16, then nothing he did would be illegal. that dont make it right, it just means its not illegal
like theres a big difference between whats illegal and whats wrong, thats something ive learned all about with my all of my step father and step brothers legal issues. they were always getting into trouble, but they got a good criminal defense lawyer and got out of it. in fact i just started working for their lawyer as his personal legal secretary, and it just makes me even more sure that just because someone screwes up doesnt mean that they broke the letter of the law.
now something i didnt know until was that age of consent is not the same thing as the age you have to be to marry, which is like 18 in most places. those are actually different things, and just because the age of consent in tons of places is 16 or 17, doesnt mean they could get married if shes not 18. so even though he didnt violate any statutory rape lawr since she was old enough and did consent, they still may not be able to get married until shes 18 without a court order or parental consent.
turns out the the cousin marriage thing also varies from state to state too, some states allow it and some states dont according to wikepedia. yea wikipedir isnt the a lawr book but it has links to the laws so its not total unreliable. but yea it could be illegal for him to marry his cousin in one state, but if they went like 200 miles to another state, it might be legal there, its crazy.
something else i didnt realize until i actually tried to look it up is that what qualifies as incest also differs from state to state. like tons of other people here, i thought if you slept with someone who you werent allowed to marry, then that is incest. but thats not exactly it, itts way more confusing than that. in some states where first cousins can not get married, its still not 'incest' for them to have a relationship, because incest would be defined differently to include parents, children, brothers, sisters, aunts and uncles, but not cousins, which apparently is not incest in most places.
all of these crazy differences in laws from one state to another make it all very confusing, but the main thing is that there is no one age of consent for the whole US and there is no one consistent rule on cousin marriage for all of the US. he'd need to talk to a lawyer to be sure, but just because she was over the age of consent when they first met doesnt mean that shes old enough to get married without court permission. and just because there are some states where cousins can get married and what they did may not 'technically' be incest, doesnt mean that what they did was right.
most importantly, just because there may not have been any laws broken, doesnt mean that its necessarily a good idea for him to marry her, even if he could. he may be trying to do the right thing, or whatever he thinks is the right thing, but he really needs to listen to what you are saying about adoption.
adoption is a hard issue, one ive had to deal with myself before too, but Ashelen is right that it really is something he needs to seriously talk to his cousin about. its good that he has agreed to get counseling with his cousin, i just hope that he listens to their advice.
Wow!!! I had no idea about a lot of this stuff. Great info. I too think they should consider adoption for their child.
I think the whole concensus here Philmore87 is, DO NOT MARRY YOUR COUSIN!!!! But like people have said, you two are going to do what you want to and feel is right. I hope that counseling helps. Good luck with everything
Well one thing I've noticed is everyone says he's trying to do the right thing and take care of his baby, but he doesn't even know if it is his. He's taking her word that it is, but she also had a boyfriend at the time and we don't know if she was sleeping with anyone else.
Another thing I don't understand either is why she can't go to school. She did when she lived with her family, so why should that change now. There's NO excuse why she should skip or drop out. Bottom line is you're being soft. She's doing all this stuff because you're basking in it. If you two marry, you're stuck and who says she has to do anything then. Cleaning doesn't pay for bills and it doesn't help you survive. Someone said it earlier and I have to agree. You love the attention and feeling this is giving. You both are living in a fantasy land and you need to come back to reality.
As for defects, no one can say this child won't have them. Fact is the chances are higher if it is your baby. Is it by much? No, but theyre still there.
Some people are fixated on the fallacy that cousin couples pose an intolerable risk to their offspring. However it is likely that we are all descendants of cousin marriages. Before civil laws banning cousin marriages, it was preferable to marry a cousin in some communities as it is to this day in many countries. The notion "why marry a stranger" is just as prevalent in many countries as the cousin marriage taboo in America today. There are a wide range of opinions on the subject of cousin marriages. This is fuelled by erroneous information, bigotry, and presumptions. Further we have civil laws and religious creeds based on obsolete information.
The facts about cousin marriages are much clearer.
Fears of cousins who marry having children with birth defects are exaggerated. Simply marrying within your own race increases the odds of birth defects. Marrying within your own town further increases your chances. Cousin couples have only a slightly higher incidence of birth defects than non-related couples.
26 states allow first cousin marriages; most people can marry their cousin in the US.
US prohibitions against cousin marriages predate modern genetics.
No European country prohibits marriage between first cousins. It is also legal throughout Canada and Mexico to marry your cousin. The U.S. is the only western country with cousin marriage restrictions.
Children of non-related couples have a 2-3% risk of birth defects, as opposed to first cousins having a 4-6% risk. Genetic counseling is available for those couples that may be at a special risk for birth defects (e.g. You have a defect that runs in your family) In plain terms first cousins have at a 94 percent + chance of having healthy children. Check the links section for more information on genetic counselors. The National Society of Genetic Counselors estimated the increased risk for first cousins is between 1.7 to 2.8 percent, or about the same a any woman over 40 years of age. Source: external link
Second cousins have little, if any increased chance of having children with birth defects, per the book "Clinical Genetics Handbook"
The frequency of cousin marriages in the USA is about 1 in 1,000. The frequency of cousin marriages in Japan is about 4 in 1,000
It is estimated that 20 percent of all couples worldwide are first cousins. It is also estimated that 80 percent of all marriages historically have been between first cousins!
In some cultures, the term cousin and mate are synonymous.
Albert Einstein married his first cousin. And so did Charles Darwin, who had exceptional children.
Franklin D. Roosevelt, the longest serving US president in history married his cousin (not a first cousin, however they shared the same last name).
Leviticus 18 lists all forbidden sexual relationships. Cousin relationships are not included.
God commanded many cousins to marry, including Zelophehad's 5 daughters, Eleazar's daughters, Jacob (who married both Rachel and Leah, first cousins), and Isaac and Rebekkah (first cousins once removed)
It is likely that Joseph and Mary -- Christ's earthly parents were first cousins.
Current studies indicate that cousin couples have a lower ratio of miscarriages -- perhaps because body chemistry of cousins is more similar. The verdict is still out.
We are all cousins. No two people are more distantly related than 50th cousins.
A lot of information on the web is completely skewed and incorrect. The website "cousincouples.com" is not a reliable, factual website. Anyone can post on there. The chances of having birth defects from related parents, such as cousins, is not significantly higher than more distantly related couples, but it's still a higher chance and no one should be risking that for their innocent child(ren). If one of them has a (recessive) genetic condition, then both of them(the parents) will have that and will pass it on to the child, because there is no genetic diversity. Had they created a child with a non-related person, that genetic condition would not be passed on and could only stay with that generation that already has it. There is a reason why people do not want others marrying and creating children with their relatives. Here is a peer reviewed article about birth defect risks for cousin marriages(inbreeding): http://xerxes.calstate.edu.lib-proxy.fullerton.edu/fullerton/metasearch/record?group=2011-04-05-009746&resultSet=094445&startRecord=1 ... "The risk for birth defects in the offspring of first-cousin matings has been estimated to increase sharply compared to non consanguineous marriages. The frequency of the malformations recorded paralleled the degree of consanguinity: out of 89 malformed children, 51 were seen in first-cousins mating (10.3 times more frequent than in offspring of non consanguineous couples), 17 in second-cousins marriages and 18 in more distant relatives mating." There is a risk for birth defects with cousins who choose to procreate.
Do you know what I just don't buy it. Why is it okay in the the rest of the world, who's cultures go back for centuries, for marriage to first cousins be okay yet nearly 1/2 of America's states has to be different than everyone else and say it is wrong and incestuous? You can bet the first nations cultures of America married their cousins.
As for genetics, having has my own child go through so much genetic testing over that last few years I know more statistics related to genetics than I care to even think about and to say cousins have a high risk of having a baby with genetic defects is just not true, maybe a minuscule higher than the general population, but then lots of couple have slightly higher risks of genetic dissorders for all sorts of reasons, e.g. age, other family member with genetic disorder...the list goes on, do we tell other couples who have a slightly higher than normal risk they shouldn't have children..no we don't.
I say again, if a relationship between cousins is consenting and each person is of a legal age I don't see the big deal.
Rellyrell, I am sorry that happened to you, rape is a terrible thing and is wrong no matter who did it, it must have been so very hard for you and your family to know a family member did this to you.
It's always a good idea to try to minimize all of the risks that we can and we have control over who we marry and procreate with. If there is a higher chance for birth defects from consanguineous couples, then they really should avoid having children together. As seen by the academic, peer reviewed article I posted above, there is a higher chance for birth defects from inbreeding. Why take the risk, when you can easily avoid it? It's just easier and safer, to marry someone you are not related to. Not only do they risk birth defects, but they also risk having their child be ridiculed since marrying and having children with your cousin is not the social norm. We are moving as a society away from inbreeding because we've seen how beneficial it is to have genetic diversity. If you look at genetics and evolution, all species want thriving offspring and will look for a mate who has genetics that we ourselves lack in order to have healthier, more productive offspring. It doesn't matter what people of the past did, we don't live in the past. We do learn from the past and we move forward with that knowledge. The other countries, especially ones that have a larger population of inbreeding, have much higher rates of birth defects. I can find that article for you as well, if you would like the link. This is why the US, has moved away from having people marry their cousins and have banned it. We've learned that it is better to be more genetically diverse.
Like sweetpea said a website dedicated to cousins marrying isn't a reliable source. Anybody can post anything on the web and say "Yup that is 100% true" and it doesn't mean it is. A more reliable source is...oh I don't know...doctors. And as far as the birth defects being low...tell that to my cousins...who are first cousins..married and had TWO children with birth defects.
I never said it was 'reliable' or other wise. I just said it was from the net and I thought it made some interesting points. I still don't believe that the US has a lower rate of genetic disorders. I know for a fact, being the mom of a child with Autism, that the US has the highest rates of Autism and ADHD in the world.
Only in America would a child be ridiculed for being the off spring of two cousins. Where do you suppose the majority of the current White population of America descend from anyway?
We could go back and forth all day debating, some of us knowing cousins who have normal healthy off spring, others who don't, but equally I am sure we can all give examples of healthy non related couples who have off spring with genetic dissorders. Even doctors have only scratched the surface when it comes to genetics so I am afraid I am not going to take much notice of studies posted on the Internet either. We have a rather complicated family tree of our own, needless to say I place more weight on the info our family genetics specialist gives us than on studies found from an Internet search engine.
To the original poster, I do hope you and your cousin work this situation out and that the baby is born healthy and well and that whether you raise the baby as a couple, as separated parents or even decide to put the baby up for adoption it all works out for you guys. It sounds like it is going to be quite hard in a country with such prejudice attitudes towards cousins who become couples and their off spring. Good luck and best wishes.
Well where do you think your family genetics's specialist gets his or her information? From academic, peer reviewed articles, such as the one I posted before. They do the same research to try to find answers and from schooling to become a doctor. I don't know if the US has a lower birth defect rate from genetic disorders, but there are many articles showing that the risk for birth defects from related parents is greater than that of non-related parents. That's a fact that is well-documented. Posting info from a website that is not reliable, gives people false information and false hope. I would hate to see people believe everything you posted from that website that does not have accurate information, since it is very skewed. I would never advocate for a couple who wants to marry their cousin because their risk level is too high. Just because someone gets pregnant, does not mean that couple should automatically marry. They need to wait until the baby is born, get a paternity test and then go from there. If the baby is his, he can co-parent, or they can give the baby up for adoption. Though I would never recommend for them to marry and eventually have more children. It's not a prejudice against those that marry cousins, it's one of protection for children to prevent birth defects.
I'm sorry, but I have to say this. If everybody believed what was said on the internet or took people's opinions very seriously, there would be chaos.
Cain in the bible married his sister. There was alot of marrying within the family back then. I don't believe they had any kids with issues. They also lived alot longer than we are now. Mainly due to diet.
I think the main reason why kids are being born with defects is the food we consume. I bet if we all observed the kosher diet given to people by God, we would live longer, not have so many diseases, and cut down on birth defects.
Of course, there are somethings you can't control like if your family has a history of things, but come on, telling people don't take the risk to me is just a complete waste of time. Because like it was stated above, even healthy couples have children with birth defects.But hey, this is just my opinion. I think there are a lot of things that are taboo in our country only for the reasoning that it's different.
Oh and not all doctors are trustworthy. Just saying. The vast majority of them aren't really being taught anything new except what others, found to be true. But who is to say that thier truths is the only truth. The only way people are really goingto learn is to do their own research and not believe statistics. For all yall know, if they took every person in the world with a birth defect, the ones with non related parents could be the majority. We don't know.
I don't understand...why would you say I am not sympathetic to your situation, do you think I directed something towards you that made you think that. I'm sorry if you do. No one should be molested by anyone, period. Of course I am sorry that you had that awful experience.
I am NOT being antisemitic but Jews as a religious people and a culture intermarry because they would like to maintain Judism in their blood line. And trust me as long as both persons are born Jewish they are related in some way, shape or form. If Jewish couples ever do genetic testing to confirm that they are NOT related no Jewish couple would ever get married. With that being said I don't agree that first cousins in our society should date or marry, but it's not a moral dilemma, but a SOCIAL dilemma: "how will society accept us?" would be the question. Adam and Eve had children and here we are today. Their children were brothers and sisters. Get the BIG picture. Phil can decide which direction he wants his life to go in
You know what, I never meant to get into a debate here. I was just a little shocked that some thought it was so wrong being from a country where it is acceptable for cousins to marry. So I will say this and then leave it alone.
Med help is an international site, people from all over the world come here, some ask questions, others just read what is or has been written. So this is for anyone who may come upon this thread now or in the future looking for information.
I learn't in the last couple of days that in some states in the US marriage or relationships between first cousins is illegal, for the most part in the rest of the world it isn't and is accepted. Should you have or wish to have a relationship with a cousin check the laws where you are.
As for cousins producing children only your own doctors can provide you with information as to the risks, if any, that there may be to you future children.
To the original poster, what is done is done, I wish you, you cousin and your child with whatever way you go on to live your lives, health and happiness.
I don't get why people keep referring to the bible. We don't know how their children turned out or how many of their children passed away early. It's not scientific anyways, so the point it moot. There is plenty of scientific studies showing the problems with procreation with related parents and how bad it can be. Scientific studies are only found to be true when they can be replicated, and they have been in multiple trials when looking at birth defects and problems related to consanguineous couples. If you don't want to believe it, then that is your own problem, but the medical community has already proven that there are problems associated with this.
This girl was underage when her cousin slept with her. She may or may not have slept with her boyfriend, so who knows who's baby this is. They need to do a paternity test to see who the father really is. She has been manipulating him and using him. They are living some fantasy and need to snap out of it.
The point here is that they are both using each other. She's using him to provide for her, get her cigarettes, sleep with her, etc bc she craves stability. He's using her bc it's quite obvious that he craves the attention that she's giving him. A paternity test is crucial here, but if he is naive enough to take her word for it so be it. Neither of them have their head on straight and are living in some fantasy land. He refuses to listen bc in his mind her obsession over him trumps all. Eventually...when reality catches up to them, they'll see their mistakes. Maybe.
I know why I keep referring to the Bible, because I believe the Bible whole heartedly. Yall believe in science and proof and statistics whole heartedly or whatever. To me, science really doesn't mean all that much. I mean don't get wrong, I do know that science is important, but its not the only way. And for some neither is the bible. I get that. Doesn't make you wrong or me wrong. Not trying to turn this discussion away from the original post, but I thought I would answer the question from sweetpea03 from my standpoint. And sweetpea, this is not meant as an attack on you love. Please know that. :)
Philmore87: I will pray for you and your cousin and the baby, yours or not. How I look at is, your decision has not negatively affected my life and I have no Heaven or Hell to put in. It's for me to judge or tell you what you should do or think or feel. "Let he who has not sinned, cast the first stone." Your a grown man and its your life. All I can do is pray for everyone involved. Good luck and God Bless
Everyone here sounds like they have alot of valuable experience for this young man and his young cousin to learn from. I hope they are listening. I am really torn about how this issue makes me feel. When I was 14 I got pregnant by my cousin too, and although he was 19 and it was completely consentual, it was still devastating. My mother insisted insisted that we put the baby up for adoption, and told me that what we had done was an abomination. She also wanted to press charges against my cousin, and he ended up getting arrested by the police and was originally charged with statutory rape, although it was plea bargianed down to indecent acts with a juvenile or somesuch, he still had to serve some jail time. Because that my mother was so vicious in trying to get him thrown in jail, even though I kept saying he didnt rape me, it only made everything so much harder and forced a rift in our family that never healed.
During all of that my mother pretty much forced me into giving the baby up for adoption, and told me every day what an abomination I had created. I hated my mother for that. The baby was born a little premature, but was otherwise healthy and then given up for adoption. Im still so conflicted about the adoption issue - because I know I was not ready for a baby then. It was obvious my mother wasnt going to help me, and I felt like I had no where else to turn. I had doubts then, but it seemed like the right thing to do. Then I just went to high school the next year and tried not to think about it for a few years, until my older cousin committed suicide when I was a senior. At the time they said it was drug related, but for the longest time I blamed myself for what he did. I tell myself now that I didnt do anything to cause it, but it doesnt make the pain or the memory go away.
Even though my cousin has been gone for years and I used to think he was my first love, I still keep his memory with me. I still smoke the same brand of cigarettes he used to smoke, and I always think of him around easter, when I last saw him. It took years for me to begin to get over all of that, before I decided I was okay with having another child, and raising her the best way I could. Now my 9 year old daughter means the world to me and is my reason for being. But I sometimes wonder if I might have been an okay mother to the beautiful daughter I had to give up for adoption when I was 14. The adoption may have seemed like the right thing to do at the time, and maybe it was given the way things turned out, but still a day does not go by that I dont think about her and her father.
If this is even real... I think you really need to find out if she intends to keep the baby. If she does, you definitely want to get a paternity test. Honestly, the increased risk for birth defects vs a couple that's not related is like 2%. I wouldn't worry too much about that.
I think you should worry more about incest laws than statutory rape laws. I think the age of consent in most states is 16-17. There's a few states where it's 18.
You two should put the kid up for adoption and not get married. I'm sure your family would be horrified if they found out what the two of you have done. Honestly, you would get most of the blame due to her age.
Everybody stop criticising him and judging him, it's NOT helping him as well as their situation..... But I understand how people will really react with this! He knows that it's his mistake, huge mistake! and I appreciate this man for taking his responsibilities and stood up for everything he has done wrong! I know that this is NOT really funny! What can we do? DAMAGE HAS BEEN DONE! ....
This is one of the mistakes with such a lesson for each and every one, including me, that before we do something let's always think twice, more than twice, even if you're a devoted Christian or nOt! Always think of the people that can be affected... Let's always think of the outcome of it, consequences....
But this doesn't mean that he's not to be blame... Philmore87, you're 24yrs.old and expecting that you're mature enough.... I hope this will never happen again...
This situation is very hard and don't know what to do first.... Philmore87, if this is REAL, there are laws that can be put up to you, your cousin is underage and you're expected to be the responsible of it...
Seek for the advise of people that can really help you, I'm only 18yrs.old and I have my own capacity until where I could help :) .... Together with your cousin, tell your families about what you've done both, if you're really that sincere!!! Do actions, not only words!
Ask for forgiveness, if they cannot forgive you especially the family of your cousin then accept it and understand it... Accept whatever their decision will be!
You cannot marry each other. You knew that it's really a big mistake but why did you do that?!!! As I was reading your post, I can sense that you accept your mistake and willing to take the responsibility, therefore FACE IT....
If you're thinking of abortion, and then keep it the both of you forever?! do not do that!
There will always be a CONSCIENCE... There will always be a JUSTICE...
and there will always be a GOD. that can forgive you...
What kind of life you could have if you're having a big mistake that hasn't been fixed?!!!
Face it and ask for forgiveness and then slowly move on from the mistake a move on for you life :)
either way i hope this guy and his cousin got their situation sorted out for the best. he got alot of good advice that should help them sort everything out, its really just up to them to do whats right.
I just cam across this posting and it's disgusting! Even if he is lying about the whole thing..it's disturbing just the details he's giving.
For him to say it's actually kinda "cute" to see her playing the role as his "wife" is enough to make me gag! Come on seriously?!
First of all she's your freaking cousin!
Second of all yea it's cute to see a girl cooking and cleaning for you wait till she turns the other way and she's got a baby on her hip! Not so hot after a LONG day at work!
Third has she even been to the doctor to confirm this pregnancy? Did it ever occur to you she might be using you for a way out?
Seriously get help either way. If your lying it's sick that you have to make up such a story and if your not it's still sick. She's your cousin. I dont see how anyone can be supportive in this situation. He's 24 years old (he should have conducted himself as so) no matter how much of a "christian" a person is having sex with a CHILD is wrong. You couldve picked anyone and you pick your cousin.
And you say she is SO passionately in love with you? of course she is your giving her a free ride! Id love you to if you werent my cousin!!
There is so much talk on this thread about higher rates of birth defects from children born into a situation like this. I can tell you that when my aunt and uncle married, they met with a genetiscist to understand the risk. They were going to adopt if it was too high. They are first cousins and their risk came back no higher then any other two people. They had two beautiful and healthy kids who are now well adjusted adults. No problems at all.
If everyone chose to not have a child because of a slightly elevated risk in birth defects, etc. there would be a lot of us not having children. How do you then feel about those of us having children in our 40's? I did and am glad I did, but my risk factor was elevated. By some's logic I should have chosen not to have him? Guess what...not your decision to make. Just like not your decision as to whether or not this couple should have this child.
I am so sorry for anyone who experienced molestation as a child. What a horrid thing to have happen. But it does not sound like this was the case here. And mum2beagain is so right. This is an International Forum. Not everyone in the world has an issue with this. As she said, in most countries, no big deal. So does that mean Americans are correct and the rest of the world wrong? Hmmm. And the rest of the world is not running amok with children with severe birth defects now are they. Sorry you find it disgusting. So outlaw it if you like. Perhaps we should outlaw situations like mine too....I had a baby at 41. Risk was higher. So make it illegal if that is the argument.
The only issue here is that we have a 17 year old girl pregnant from a 24 year old man. That is the issue and honestly, the judgement really has no place.
Just reread some of this post. I can say I am very much looking forward to hearing the opinions with regards to those of us having babies in our 40's. Our risk is actually higher for birth defects then these two cousins are. Yep, really really looking forward to hearing how we shouldn't be allowed then either. At 42 I am trying to have another...convince me why I shouldn't.
I honestly don't know if you are being sincere. But if you are, there are two issues. One being the obvious; your cousin is pregnant & you may be the father. The other which concerns me the most is you being 24 & having sex with someone who just turned 17. She is still a maturing child. That act alone shows some issues you need to get counseling in. I am not judging you, but I am a counselor & you need to get some help to see why you had sex with a 17 year old. And her getting pregnant just made matters worse. I appreciate your desire to do what is right, but you have to consider the unborn child is also a victim. Please, you both need to have counseling session, not only together, but separate. I will be praying for you guys.
I know in some cultures it is acceptable for family to be together. I think there are more pressing issues.
1. You should listen to people about birth defects as that is something that you two will continue to deal with if you are staying together and it seems like you are.
2. Her parents can get angry at any point and decide to press charges against you so you need to look at the statute of limitations on statutory rape being reported in the state that it happened in.
3. Your cousin is a child I have sisters and brothers older that I treat like children because i helped raise them. Get her into a school near you so she finishes and stop buying her cigarettes. (At the very least get an ecig to start her to quit)
4. Realize that if her father is abusive you may have been trapped. Apparently you are not strong willed and she needed a way out. She knew well how her parents would react, unlike you who for whatever reason seem rather clueless.
It is your house and if you want to be the "Man" of the house and have her as a wife you should take responsibility for her health AS WELL as the babies she needs to start seeing the doctor. She will still need to apply for government assistance in order to pay for check ups and birth. It is not cheap to even deliver a baby.
You can only move forward so take the steps as well as possible from this point forward. Get the young lady back to school (she needs to finish), get her off the cigarettes even if that means ecigs, i will give a site for a good one if you message me, i have to get my man off of them too. She needs to get an OB/GYN soon. Obviously she didnt just become pregnant and you two are behind. You both really do need counseling and i am not even on the cousin thing but you two need to grow enough to support each other and definitely this baby.
EVERYONE ELSE: Birth defects come from many things and some go undetected for years. People consider downs a big issue and they don't realize that when you put in the work they are some of the smartest individuals in the world. You may have a birth defect that you are not aware of yet. How many of you said anything about the fact that she is young and that also causes problems? How many of you have grandparents that have been married since 15 or started having babies at 12 or 13? Ignorance (lack of knowlegde on any given subject) is not hereditary but can be passed along from parents and other family members from practice. God Bless the people without out the family history.
I get the age issue but it's the fact that he is 24 and had sex with a minor. Point blank. Our great grandmother's were MARRIED and were long gone from their parents home when they had babies. And they were 15 or 16.
The birth defects is another issue. Women get pregnant everyday and do everything they can to make sure they have healthy baby and would NEVER intentionally put their child in harms way. This GUY should have been more responsible and realized what he was doing BEFORE he did it. There is a possibility of birth defects with every pregnancy but I can guarantee you if you ask any pregnant woman if she would intentionally do something that would put her unborn child at risk for a defect, she would say NO. This is the same thing. I understand it's normal in other cultures but in the U.S. it's frowned upon.
Its gross. Sorry I dont care how common it is.
And about him "stepping up" I get that to a certain point. It's going to be kinda umcomfortable for that kid to explain his mom and dad are cousins.
Phil, I hope you and your cousin got everything sorted out for the best. Although I may not be as wise as some of the other people giving advice, there sure seemed to be plenty of opinions and suggestions to choose from. For what its worth, I really do hope that you and and her came to a decision that you were both comfortable with, and that is in both in your bests interests and in the best interest of your unborn child.
ok that pertinity crap can hurt a child i know that i asked the obgyn that and you know what good for you for tryin to man up most guys would be like your fault good luck you should be pround of yourself for that and dont let anyone tell you that was a stupid mistake bc i garentee you they have mess up worse or close to it. you know if you wait and she has the baby wait to tell your family until a day after her 18th birthday bc they will pin this on you fast and it will be a horrible situation for all three of you so wait and talk to her before and ask if she wants to live with you and tell her mom that you would be happy to help her but dont make a mistake by telling her that child might be yours or you could get the fall so talk to her about it and her mom or dad and see
apparently babies conceived between first cousins carry the same risks as women over 40 having babies... and obviously the law states cousins can marry too... sounds like its going to be a bumpy ride the most important thing in all of this is going to be the baby once he/she is here baby comes first in everything you do, once the whole perternity issue is sorted i guess life carries on from there...i hope you have really thought things through and have the means to look after mum and baby also
I just read every single post, which brings me to their next point.
How will these children be damaged by labeled as 'inbred?'
Seriously who is going to go around and say their married cousins? No one you'd just call them your wife or husband, and you wouldn't be telling your children at a young age in the first place yet alone at all. You'd Obviously have a talk with family members (those that still want to be apart of your lives) bout what to say to your child and not be insensitive.
I'm also surprised that some people are calling him a liar, not sure why, I don't see what he'd be getting out of this except advise for his 'fake' situation sounds very silly to me and also because the series of events are very believable as well. People have relations with their cousins all the time and probably also more than most people think, just because they don't go around telling everyone about it. For example my grandpa is with his cousin, did not have children with her tho, had an affair when they were young teenagers, broke it off as their families were pushing them to do. So they went on their separate ways she moved overseas and they both got married had kids and grew old, my grandma (his wife) died, she got a divorce from her husband and moved back to the UK and have come back together after all these years to grow old and die together. I think that is sweet and real love there..
I also have had a relationship with my mother's cousins son, I think that makes him my second cousin once removed, when we first met I was 19 he 20, nothing happened but we were both very fond of each other and wasn't sure how to go about expressing these feelings, he lives in a different state and I only used to see him once every couple of years until he sent me a message saying how much he felt for me and I replied that I felt the same and so it began.. we are no longer together and I have settled down and had a baby living with boyfriend etc. But I have done some crazy things when I was younger, I'll admit, yeah I've slept with two of my older first cousins also had previously kissed the brother of the second cousin I had the relationship with. And no i'm not some weird hillbilly creepy type of family either but I just don't go around telling everyone this, people keep that sort of stuff quiet but doesn't mean it doesn't happen in everyday society.. Hell even once a girl I know got drunk and told me that she had 'experimented' with her sister! Now that's gross, just saying people do worse..
And lastly to Philmore87 I think what your doing is great, so many people surprisingly are tell you to dump her off with her parents, to an abusive father and a mother that seems not to have any say in the matter is just ridiculous.. I do think a paternity test is in order when its born but assume it is yours till its proven its not. Then get married if you want to, its just a piece of paper afterall. Stop buying her cartons or give her one pack to last a week or so, I myself totally quit while I was pregnant, the well being of the baby was more important to me than weakness on my behalf. But she'd be having it quite soon if not already..
I'd love to hear an update of what happened, all the best!
I'd say that this is a very bizarre and... controversial situation you've gotten yourself into..
I can understand consoling her if she's upset but...I don't think a loyal gf or devout christian would make a move, especially on their cousin.
I find it a little weird that you would do stuff with a family member but...
Now that I've gotten my awkwarded-out opinion out, at least you're a man about it. I don't think you deserve quite as much hate mail as you're getting. Obviously these people can't read. You're not only being bluntly honest, but you clearly want to be involved and do whatever it takes.
You're no "liar" or "dead beat" or not owning up.
However, I think maybe you should make her fess up whether or not she slept with her boyfriend. Find out if she really is pregnant, or if you're both just paranoid. and then try to figure out by her cycles when she even could've gotten pregnant. If you look up "Pregnancy Calender" or "Pregnancy Calculator" usually you can enter her normal cycle length (from the start of her last period to the start of her next) and it'll tell you the date that she most likely conceived..
I don't really know what else to say to this. If you want an honest, anti-hate conversation, you can message me for help.
People are such idiots. I can't believe the things that people wrote. Everyone makes mistakes. Including the idiots who wrote nasty things. It is so hard to find decent guys anymore. Ones that will step up and take responsibility. It's wonderful that you stepped up and took responsibility for your actions. I really hope that you, your cousin, and the baby are doing well. It would be great if you could update us and tell us how everything is going. Thank you for being one of the rare good guys in this world!
So, I understand that this was 2 years ago....but I came across it while searching for answers to a similar issue I'm having. So, I'd like to say that if you need anyone to talk to if you are having difficult moments. I'm so here. My cousins went through this like 4 yrs ago. So, ya I'm here if you need to talk. But I hope you have figured all this out. And I hope y'all two are doing okay.
Ok y'all were really judgmental against this Guy. He understands he did something had he didn't need all the **** from strangers too. He wasn't asking for people to judge him. He was asking for help on how to fix a mistake. That didn't mean be judgemental ******* to him. Damn, ******* these days!
I never commented, only read it. From the beginning it sounded like a novel. I don't believe any of it either. But if you read everything, he can use a lot of other people's opinions, and experiences, and of course what he wrote, and he can write a pretty damn good novel.
Congrats man. You are an awesome writer... i kept reading everything just to get to the next part to see what else your response would be, and get more of the story.
Just to update those who care, my cousin and I had our first baby girl in August 2011, and we got married in December 2011, the day after her 18th birthday!
We are still together and happily married, and the proud parents of four beautiful healthy little girls! My wife always said she wanted a big family of her own, and we have been blessed by the Lord!
While relations with my wife's parents, particularly my uncle/her father, have remained strained; we have tried to do the Christian thing and turn the other cheek when called names, and always welcome family and friends with open arms with the love of Christ!
Shortly before my cousin and I got married she became a born again Christian, turning herself over to the Lord. I continued to struggle with my sin, as well as my bout with alcoholism and depression until I too accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior and Lord. Once I accepted Him into my life, he freed me from my addictions, and helped me aspire to be a Godly man.
Of course, we all can continue to try harder to become better people before the Lord, and it's a struggle every day for most. My wife still struggles with her addiction to cigarettes, as she still smokes between two to three packs a day, and cannot seem to quit. We have accepted this burden from the Lord, and that He will decide when she is ready to quit smoking in His time, not ours. There will always be struggles and adversity in life, and we do well to remember that we can all always aspire to do better and become better!
I am now clean and sober for 15 whole days, and the Lord has saw fit that I am still employed and still married to my beautiful cousin, so that we may continue to grow our family and prosper as He wills it.
To all those who offered words of encouragement, I thank you. You are all truly Blessed and merciful.
To all those who offered scorn, I thank you as well, and pray that the Love of Christ fills your hearts when you are ready to receive Him.
What is founded in Love cannot be wrong in the eyes of the Lord. Peace be with you all!
Thanks for the update, Phil, and I'm so glad you didn't listen to all the bad advice you were given. When society interjects their values, situations like this often end in sadness and suicide, as happened in at least one post above. Let this situation be a lesson for all reading it. Had you been charged with statutory rape, or treated her like a liar and insisted on a paternity test while she was in crisis as many suggested, or insisted on abortion or adoption, or broken her little heart and destroyed her dreams by refusing to marry her because you are cousins as many more suggested, if any of that advice had been followed due to societal pressure nothing but pain would have resulted. Please remember this when one of your daughters gets pregnant as a teenager. Think first of the person's feelings, and only secondly of what society as a whole thinks, cause they're often wrong.
I know as tough as this might sound, my advice to you is to really think hard about having more children. You two must think about risking the health of another child born from blood-related parents. Even if you've had a normal first born, the risk doesn't go away it will always be there. My parents are second cousins and I will admit from a psychological stand point that I'm not 100% normal. I've done things a normal brain wouldn't do (No, I didn't kill anyone). I've also had weird sexual attraction with relatives which truly hate. I feel lucky though that I'm capable of discerning right from wrong and considering my mental challenges I'm managing just fine. You should consider yourself very lucky to have parents that aren't blood-related. Use your normal brain to make the right decisions and use a lot more self-control. Good luck, Gerry
he age of consent is the age at or above which a person is considered to have the legal capacity to consent to sexual activity. Both partners must be of legal age to give consent, although exceptions to the age of consent law exist in some jurisdictions when the minor and his or her partner are within a certain number of years in age or when a minor is married to his/her partner. Persons below the age of consent may not, by law, give consent, and sexual relations involving such persons may be punished by criminal sanctions similar to those for rape or sexual assault. Non-violent sexual contact with persons under the age of consent may be punished with varying degrees of severity, ranging from a misdemeanor with a simple fine, to a felony with a punishment equivalent to rape.
Different ages may apply if one partner is in a position of power or authority over the other, such as a teacher, manager, coach, parent or stepparent. For example, in Indiana the age of consent is 16 but it is illegal for a person over 18 to have sex with anyone under 18 if they work at their school, are their parent or a stepparent, or are a person recruiting them to join the military.
Historically, the age of consent applied to male-female relationships; same-sex relationships were often illegal regardless of the ages of participants. Modern laws vary, and there may be multiple ages that apply in any jurisdiction. For instance, different ages may apply if the relationship is between partners of the same sex, or if the sexual contact is not strictly vaginal intercourse.
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