My parents want me to have an abortion.

[NicoleLauren]

I'm 20 years old. I got pregnant by a guy I was in an abusive relationship with. I was able to leave him yesterday with the help of my best friend, her boyfriend, and my parents. My parents really want me to get an abortion since this baby isn't a "love child" and they think it'll "bring me down" and I'll have to deal with the man for the rest of my life.

First of all, I am COMPLETELY against abortion...always have been. I just don't think it's right. I won't even entertain the idea. This may be his child, but it is my child as well, and I will NOT punish it for its fathers mistakes. I want to have the baby and raise it with all the love and support in the world, even though I will be raising it as a single mother. I know this will be very hard on me, but I know I could do it. Also, I have enough evidence against the father to make it so that he will not be allowed to have any contact with me or the baby. The police have already threatened him with a restraining order due to his actions.

I really need help getting through to my parents. I know my situation upsets them. They've told me they aren't mad at me for getting pregnant, but I feel like they WILL be mad at me if I don't terminate my pregnancy. And I don't think that's fair. This is my child. I can't just kill it. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist, therapist, and OBGYN next week to discuss the pregnancy, and I feel like my parents are going to try to convince them I should get an abortion as well (I'm having my mother go with me so I don't have to go alone...this is my first pregnancy and I'm pretty nervous about it). I just want them to respect my opinion and my thoughts. It's my body, and it's my baby.

Any advice or ideas you have would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

[abbieball]

well I can say that i was pushed into having an abortion and will pay for it forever. first I have scars in my uterus which caused me to have a miscarrage when i got pregnant the next time. also i was serverly depression and still am so now i am pregnant and being watched like crazy because i am not on meds. they are also concerned that i will have derpession even worse after the baby is born so we have to have family come and live with us while the baby first comes home so i feel like i can't be trusted with my own child because of what i was pushed into.(note that when i was at the clinic I told them to stop and was just drugged to 'quite' me down. so my advice is that you should NEVER do anything that you don't want to do and if you do you will end up paying for it for the rest of your life NOT THEM.

[jf34]

Good job on sticking to your guns! You're a GROWN woman and no one can tell you what to do. And you know what? They may say that now, but wait until you give birth and they hold that baby in their arms for the first time, they would've wished they never said what they are now! My Dad kept saying the same thing to me and I was 14! So if they got over it, yours will. If the baby was here they wouldn't say kill it. It's so easy for people to say that because they can't see the baby in you and there's no bond with that baby yet. I'm with you I am against abortion unless there's some serious medical threat against the Mother.

All you can do is stress to them how you feel, and that you already love this baby and you couldn't and won't do anything to harm him/her. I have four children and I was have a WONDERFUL Fiance and 3 of these kids are not his. You can find someone who is going to accept this baby and treat him/her just like his own. Trust me, there are good men out there! I've been through the abuse and everything myself, it's hard to trust again, heck it's hard to date again, but we've been together for 6 years and are getting married this year. He's never once laid a hand on me, or been abusive in anyway to me and my kids, he's just been there to help raise them and be a dad. Their dad hasn't been in the picture for 5 years, so he is daddy to them.

This isn't the end of the world by any means! I really hope they come around. Just let them know this is just as hard for you, but in times like this, you just need their support and nothing else.

Good luck and God bless. Please keep us updated!

[Haddock_Entrap_Propulasion]

Have you told your parents the same things you said on here?  About how you don't want to punish the kid for it's father being abusive?  And how you're completely against abortion?  

[Crysi]

haha sorry just saw how old this post was.

[Crysi]

I am in a similar situation. I am 19 and 17 weeks pregnant the father of the baby and I were living together when I got pregnant, we broke up when I was about 6 weeks pregnant. I don't want him involved and he doesn't seem to want to be involved so I have no contact with him, and try to avoid places I think he might be. In Canada there are a lot of laws in place to protect mothers/children from fathers who aren't involved. The one I am hoping to slide by on is if the father doesn't own up during pregnancy you can ommit their name on the birth certificate and make it very difficult for them to get paternity later on, also if at anytime they are not involved with the child for a year or more you can get their paternal rights taken away on "abandonment" Look up laws in you area and see if there are any to protect you in this situation.

[Riot_Queen]

Well then good.
Leave it at that.
If he doesn't have any way of contacting you, and doesn't know if you're keeping it or not, then just don't tell him and have your lil bub and everything will be better.

[NicoleLauren]

Yes, he knows I'm pregnant. I took a test while in his home. I told him it must've been a false positive, thinking he'd leave it alone. But instead he drove to Walmart and bought 2 more tests and stood in the bathroom while I took them. When they were both positive, he insisted that I go to a clinic and get a blood test, which was also positive.

However, he doesn't know if I'm going to keep it or not. He has no way to come into contact with me anymore.

[Riot_Queen]

Does he know you're pregnant??
Cuz if he doesn't, you don't have to tell him it's his...???

And you need to tell your parents that you're not a lil kid anymore.
They need  to let you make your decisions and RESPECT THEM.

I agree with you not want to punish your baby for it's father's mistakes.
That's completely appropriate and INAPPROPRIATE for what your PARENTS are SAYING!!!

[Somnium_Angelous]

Sweetie, Do what you feel is right.
Ultimately it is your decision.
And when your parents lie ees on your gorgeous baby their opinions will change completely. They are trying to think of whats best (what they believe is the best) for you. Stay strong sweetie.

Congrats on your pregnancy - No matter how unfortuaneate the situation was-  You have something beautiful - fight for what you believe love.

[NicoleLauren]

I know I'm making the right decision, but it's still hard. Not because I'm torn between options, but because my parents are pretty insistant on abortion. I know that having the baby would affect them as well, and I know they're concerned about my safety, but I still don't think it's right that they're trying to guilt trip me or force me into abortion. I can't make them see the stress they're causing me though. If someone so much as mentions the words baby or child my mom basically freaks out. She got onto my sister this morning for saying that a certain breed of dog was good with kids. That's just a little much, in my opinion.

I told my older sister last night that I'm pregnant (my parents didn't want to tell her, because they're convinced I will get the abortion and can just tell her afterwards, which will not happen). She's so much more supportive than my parents are. I told her that I don't believe in abortion and that I don't want to put my child up for adoption when I know I could take care of it, and she said that it's my body and it's my child, and I should do what I feel is right. She kept telling me to make decisions that I feel are best for myself and the baby, not everyone else. I wish my parents thought that way too. =(

[babyscience]

I think you will be a great mom and that is all your baby needs.  It is so much better to have only one parent than two (one of which is abusive) so you are totally making the right decision to go it alone!

[JoyRenee]

Good for you! You CAN do this. Whether you chose abortion or not the father was still going to do what he was going to do. By the way, no one can force you to have an abortion. Even if you were 12 or 13 no one could force you. I just want you to know that in case anyone threatens to drag you to a clinic. I highly doubt they would, but you never know!

Anyway, congrats on your sweet baby!!! We're here to support you and be your friends, so please do ask any questions. We also have a pregnancy forum for those 21 and older (as you'll most likely turn 21 soon, before baby arrives). Feel free to post on either forum!

[NicoleLauren]

Thanks everyone, for all your care and advice.

I am going to keep the baby, like I've wanted to all along. I have yet to tell my parents of this decision; I have decided to wait until after I talk to my doctors about it, thinking perhaps they can help me come up with the best way to break the news to my parents. I did contact an attorney about my situation (not one to deal with my case, but just for some advice on the matter), and he told me I should get a restraining order against the father. He also said it would not be illegal for me to move to SC with my parents while I'm still pregnant, and technically it isn't illegal for me to move after the baby is born either. I don't have to admit to having the baby (as in I don't have to go running to the father and say I had it, which I obviously wouldn't do anyway), but if he somehow locates us and requests a paternity test and court hearing about visitation rights or whatever, I have to comply, which I knew would be the case.

This whold situation is very un-nerving, but I've been through a lot of hard times in my life, and I know I can make it through this one just like I made it through the others. And I can raise my child with all the love it would get from two parents. I do feel sad that the baby won't have a father early-on in its life (I'm steering clear of relationships for a long time...I need to focus on myself and my child), but I know when he comes around to the idea, my father will make an excellent male role-model in the child's life, as will my sister's boyfriend. I'm not naive to how difficult raising a baby as a single mother will be and how emotionally upsetting my situation could be for myself and the child from time to time, but I know we can make it.

[NicoleLauren]

I think you misunderstood. I want to keep the baby. It's my parents that want me to give it up.

[jasmin_mom]

im so sorry...
i went thru the same thing with my first child...his father was really abusive and i left him and i am with a really great guy and we have a little girl together and twins on the way.....dont listen to what others think or say you should do its your body its you decision.....everyone told me to get a abortion or think bout adoption but i couldnt because it was my kid and even though the father was a complete jerk i wasnt going to punish a innocent child......a child is a gift from god....if god didnt think you could handle it he wouldnt have givin you a child....being a mom is the best thing in the world.....just being pregnant and feeling your baby move is a wonderful feeling and being able to hold it when its born is just love at first sight...

[babyscience]

You should definitely be concerned of the guy coming after you.  I am sure that is your parents biggest fear right now...not so much that yoou are pregnant, but you are connected to this man.  Guys like that dont sign off parental rights that easily...infact he may never do that even if he never sees your child.  If he is abusive it is just one more thing he can hold over you.  Part of me thinks you should just run away and hide and say you lost the baby or aborted it, since your life and your babies life could be in danger.  BUT, legally it probably isnt the correct choice.  Maybe talk to a lawyer, get a few opinions.
To me your work plan sounds good.  Work to save some money, then go to school once you have your baby.  However, just keep in mind you may have to continue working if you dont get help from your parents or dont have enough money saved.

[Jame0223]

My cousin was in a similar situation. She got pregnant and the father turned violent. He had a past of being abusive that she was unaware of. She was happy as could be then he started hitting her. After she had the baby he would hit her infront of him. She got away from him and still had the baby and he is the light of her life. Hes now 4 years old and such a lil butthead but we all love him so much. I know that every now and then she may regret having a baby with a guy like that but shes now with a wonderful guy that her son calls Daddy. I know that for a while you may regret it if you do keep it, but you'll see that you made a good choice. Just because the sperm donor is dreadful doesn't mean having his baby will be the end of your life. What if you got pregnant and the guy left you, but wasn't abusive? Is it just that he was that way that they want you to get rid of it? Its not the childs fault.

[NicoleLauren]

What do you mean your mom served her husband papers from far away? What papers?

[alaysha]

Its very possible. My mom when she had my oldest sister ended up leaving her husband and serving him papers from far away. It wasn't until my sister was 17 that he even tried to contact her. She hasn't ever seen him and I think they've only talked 3 times their who lives (and she is now 30). So it is possible that he won't want anything to do with the child. But don't think your safe yet just because he's stopped harassing. Sometimes they stop for a little while and then come back two fold in their attempt to find/contact you. Like the cops told me... a restraining order is just a piece of paper and a lot of times it won't stop anyone once they make up their minds. :(

[NicoleLauren]

Part of me thinks he won't even try to be a father to the baby. He's (thankfully) given up trying to locate me, he's stopped harassing my friend and her boyfriend, and he hasn't contacted me since the police warned him. Maybe it's possible that he'll give up and leave me and the baby alone?

[alaysha]

Sweetie I know that you think that your plan will work. But people will talk (they always do) you won't be able to keep it a secret forever and the government will want to know who the father is as well. You can try not telling them but if he goes to them and requests rights even if you are in another state they will give the child a paternity test and most likely he will get particle rights. The only way not to have him involved is for him to relinquish rights. What I would suggest is talking with an attorney and figuring out both your rights and asking them if there is anyway to keep him away. They will advise you the best they can... much better than any of us can.

[NicoleLauren]

That's good advice, thank you. I was thinking about doing that. I tried college once, but it wasn't for me, so I've already decided that what I want to do is get trained as a secretary (they have 2 years courses at some colleges for that specifically, and I believe you can also do it online as well). And I know I need to work so I can get money for the baby. I don't have any right now because most of it was "used" by the father. I was thinking I could work while I'm pregnant and save up as much money as possible, and then after I have the baby I could do my secretary certification course online (so I would still be home to care for the baby) so that I could get a job that pays more. Then when I go back to work I could find a nanny (I do not trust daycares...I've heard too many horror stories about them), which I would be able to pay from my salary.

I know nobody could force me to give up my child, especially now that I'm over the age of 18. I might be young, but I still know what I'm doing. And there have been plenty of women, even younger than me, who have had children and managed to get by, with or without the help of their parents. And I agree with you, babyscience. I believe that when I have the baby my parents will fall in love with it, just like I already have.

[babyscience]

I would do what you want to do, do not let anyone tell you to have an abortion or adoption if you dont want to do it.  However, your parents are not on your side...so you are risking having to do it all on your own if they dont want to help at all.  I believe you can do it, but it will be tough.  But I am sure after you have your baby, your parents will fall in love with it.  After all it is their grandchild.  The best advice I have is to come up to them with a well thought out plan...even taking into account if you plan to work or go to school, where will you keep the baby and how you are going to pay for diapers and food.  That may show them that you are serious about keeping it and mature enough to have a plan of action.

[NicoleLauren]

I know this sounds kind of coniving, but I do have a plan to keep him away from the baby. I'm not going to lie and say I didn't keep it, but I have cut off all contact with him whatsoever, so he doesn't even know if I've gotten an abortion or am planning to. He has no way to come in contact with me without having to deal with police.

In a few months, my parents are moving to SC. They've offered for me to come with them and live in a seperate apartment off of their house. The father of the baby doesn't even have enough money for gas, let alone to take a plane to SC to see his child. And by that point he might not even know he has one by me. I know it's a mean plan, but I'll do anything to keep him away from the baby.