Need opinion about virginity

[yourcuteness]

Ok, this may be a silly question, but I was talking with my boyfriend about this. Well, I'm 22 and a virgin, but I've had oral sex and mutual masturbation (only recently been doing these activities). I haven't had vaginal sex though. The other night, he did slide his penis in me (with a condom on), he only got halfway in because I said it was hurting, so he stopped. He just wanted to slide in, we weren't going to have "full-on" sex that night.

He was saying that I was no longer a virgin because I had a penis inside of me, but then he retracted his comment and said that he didn't break anything because there wasn't any blood (and I know that not all people bleed their first time), but he did say I was very small, so he said I was still a virgin.

So I just wanted to know what you all think. He has asked about "sliding" into me a few times before, but I said no theo ther times. I'm so paranoid about a pregnancy. I come from a family who doesn't believe in sex before marriage, so if anything were to happen, it would be pretty bad.

I know that nothing is 100% safe other than staying abstinent. He has "potent sperm"... he got tested and instead of the average 1 million sperm, he has double. He has gotten ex-girfriends pregnant on their first time (that's without protection), since he has a latex allergy. He knows there are alternative condoms, but they're more expensive. But he did use a condom with me, despite the internal pain he experienced afterwards, but if didn't use one, I would've never let him go inside of me.

So, am I still a virgin or not??

Thanks!

[Tylersmom]

i would say that what happened would be considered "penatration", therfore it would mean you lost your virginity. Some woman dont have anything inside that they "break" when they lose their virginity so I would not go by that.

[jgonzales]

Where u tense when he went half way inside you?
If you don't belive sex till marriage then why do it?
I would becareful that you dont end up pregnant...
Have you talked to ur parents about this?

[shygirl1981]

if he's gotten other women pregnant, you don't need to lose your virginity to him. you do not need to worry about being pregnant. it is very unlikely in this instance. as for the virginity part. I really don't know. I'd have to say you would actually have to have sex to lose it,  but in the eyes of what's PURE, you are probably not a virgin.

[mrs canada]

You have had oral SEX and have had a penis inside of you... and you are asking if you are a virgin? You know, there is and old joke about how guys try to get girls to go "all the way"... they start by saying "let me just put the tip in". No matter how much time passes, some things don't change.

It sounds like you're not comfortable with this level of sexual activity, given that you are trying to convince yourself you're still a virgin. Maybe hold off on further activity until you are ready. Hope this doesn't sound harsh but I think you know what the deal is here...

[yourcuteness]

Well it's my family that doesn't believe in sex before marriage, not necessarily myself. I mean, what happens if I never get married, does that mean I'm going to be a virgin forever? I mean, I'm a woman, and I have needs too. But no, there's no way I can talk to my parents about this, it's a very awkward topic, but I do have an older friend who's like a mother to me, and I feel comfortable talking to her.

I would say that I was tense and nervous. I mean I was giving him oral and he wanted to slide in so badly. And I was curious to see what it would feel like. Like I said, I had resisted that for awhile, and he knows about my apprehension. I think if we were to really have sex with thrusting, I would bleed, because I was feeling some pain, but then that could've been that I wasn't fully aroused also, and he knows that would make it more painful.

[lucylocket2]

I don't think you are a virgin anymore. Any type of penitration  no matter what the case. your 22? He really said slide it in? Honey, that is a man's way of saying let me ruin the past 22 years of you abstinance and let me pop one more cherry. He has gotten other girls pregnant? What in the world are you doing with this guy? I hate to tell you , but from a christian point of veiw - you are no longer a virgin. You have lost it to a ........ i will be nice and stop there. Sometimes me keeping my mouth shut is for the best. Sorry for your loss

[glad2bamom]

Girl--
I was shocked by your comment.."he has gotten ex-girlfriendS pregnant...".  Why are you interested in a guy that has had unprotected sex with so many people, and is so casual about having children with them?  
Physically, I don't think you are a "virgin" anymore.  Women usually don't bleed when they have sex the first time, because many things can break the hymen.
Emotionally, it is up to you to decide if you are a virgin.  If you consider yourself to be, then you are playing with fire if you continue down this path.

If you're not too young, do you remember what Bill Clinton said about his marijuana usage???  He didn't inhale.  Well, this is basically the same concept.  Can he put his penis inside me, but as long as we don't enjoy it, as long as he doesn't move, and as long as he doesn't ejaculate, am I still a virgin?

[jgonzales]

my husband says that to me when Im not in the mood, and I know he's gonna go all the way, so I tell him no, and go to the bathroom to release himself.. sorry! lol
Dont trust him when he says he's gonna put the tip in.. he may go all the way..

[yourcuteness]

My boyfriend has 1 child (with his then girlfriend). He technically would've had 2 if one of the girlfriends didn't have an abortion without his knowledge. I know in my original post is sounded like he got tons of women pregnant lol.

It's not that I'm trying to hold onto my virginity. I was just wondering about it. I know I'm not ready to have sex (because of the fear of what may happen)... if there was no risk of pregnancy, I wouldn't be so hung up about it. And no, I can't go on birth control because of my family, so that's out of the question. So I'd rather just continue the route of oral sex and masturbation. And although I've given him head, it's only for a few minutes. He doesn't get off that way, it would take way too long and he said that I'd probably get lock jaw. I mostly just give him a hand job, and he doesn't always come that way either. We just play with each other for less than 30 minutes on and off.

It's not that he's pressuring me into doing anything. He's really a sexual person when he's in a relationship. We've known each other for 7 months and have been dating for about 2.5 months. He's been really patient with me and he doesn't want to hurt or push me into something that I'm not ready for. I mean for all these months, we've only played with each other maybe 5 times. He finds me extremely attractive too (not trying to be arrogant-- I mean, I don't even find myself that attractive lol), so he definately wants me, but I don't automatically give it to him, just to boost my ego and his (although I don't have low self-esteem either).

Thanks for the comments everyone.. keep 'em coming!

[lucylocket2]

I had to come back to this one. I thought about it and .... is this for real? I mean, it's so far fetched that someone would believe that. That guy must be a really smooth talker. Get away, and find yourself someone who will respect you choice. If you want to have sex, that fine. Just remember, you never know... is this the man you would want to father you children?

[jgonzales]

just becareful..

[lucylocket2]

Also remember one more ting. When a man is in the mood, don't listen to a word they say. They will say what ever it takes to get some. Just put your boots on cuz it'll be getting deep. It sounds to me like you want to do it. I can understand that. Just use a condom if you do. Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[mumwith#4]

How would your parents know if you were on the pill anyhow?

[yourcuteness]

Thank you! I do believe that sex is not everything in a relationship. Because if one bases their relationship on sex, and then the sex becomes bad or one person's drive is diminished, then there's nothing left of the relationship because everything before it was sex-driven. And there are stages of love/committment/intimacy (Sternberg's Triangular Theory) and the more two people love each other, sex is not as important as the earlier stages (like in a lust stage). And there are people who are married and just don't have sex anymore and they are perfectly happy. Haha, here's my psychology degree coming into play, but these kinds of topics were of interest to me and I tend to believe in what research says since it's been replicated and looked at it from different views & methods. So I guess I can say aside from being raised from a different cultural background (I was born in the U.S though, been here all my life) I am not like a typical college girl who's into partying, drinking, drugs and promiscuity :)

[yourcuteness]

Well I've read and heard about potential side effects of being on birth control, like weight gain or just something since I don't know how my body will react. I don't take any other kind of medications (I hardly even take OTC stuff anyway), I've weighed practically the same for years and stuff like that. So I don't want some kind of sudden change in my health, if any.

[shygirl1981]

two girls with unwanted pregnancies!? huge red flag.the warning!? that this is not the kind of guy you want to spend the rest of your life with. I'm 25 and only now realizing that maybe I should listen to my friends, because they are always right in the end. proceed if you want, I know you are not going to really listen until you find out for yourself. I've been where you've been (rationalizing his behavior) and if there are any red flags, chances are, its not going to work, so don't waste you time. you have a clean slate and the rest of your life ahead of you. find another man with less baggage.

[yourcuteness]

Also, another comment... The child that he has, the mother will not let him see her (because she has strict parents also)... anyway, to make a long story short, she's now married and has another child with her husband. But my boyfriend is still paying for child support and health insurance for the past 3 years and he hasn't seen his child since she was a few months old. He's not a bad guy, I mean he did have a rocky past before, but he's changed the last few years.

I mean we have a weird relationship where we don't always get to see each otehr like a 'real' couple. We're not technically long distant, but because of our situation, it seems like we are. That's why we 'phone dated' for like 4 months before we even saw each other in person (I met him online through a mutual friend). We still have our daily phone calls,and we've been seeing each other about once a week. He said that if I was any ordinary girl like the ones he used to date, he would've left me a long time ago (because of not being able to see each other a lot), but he says I'm someone totally different and someone he could see himself with in a lasting relationship.

He wants this to work out, and so do I because I know he's been hurt many times, every ex girlfriend that he's had has cheated on him. So he doesn't want to make me do something that would scare me and push me away. So it's not all about sex, although I know he wants it badly. But he respects me enough to not force or coherce me into anything that I don't want. What we have done together was my own choice, and I made sure that I wouldn't let it get out of control, and it hasn't and it won't. We don't have much alone time together in the first place, just like 1.5 hours each week. The other times we both have our friends around.

[yourcuteness]

Oh yes, condoms are a must! I know that. No way would I ever let him near me if he didn't use one. And like I said he has that latex allergy, but he still used a latex one that time. And when we do play, we are still mostly clothed (like more than just underwear on), it would probably be more of a temptation if we were both nude, so I don't let it get that far.

I really do appreciate all the comments everyone!

[lucylocket2]

What do her parents have to do with it?they didn't make the baby. Also  if he pays child support he has the right to see it. if she wanted him to have nothing to do with the child she wouldn't want child support. if the law said he can't see the baby, u might want to check into that. Honey, please i don't want to be mean,but I think you could do better. Sometimes men can fill our heads with so much stuff and we think they are great. They tell us what they want us to hear.

[lucylocket2]

just read the above and help me, i have to get ready for bed. If anybody else can finish what i am trying to say, please do. My head hurts!

[mrs canada]

Sorry to have to say this but this guy sounds like TROUBLE. If only you read your words from our point of view. You know, when your read between the lines of what you're writing, here's what I see you saying: "I am lonely and want to be in a relationship and this guy is giving me attention" "I have convinced myself I want to have sex because I feel this is what I need to do to keep him interested in me" "He's done a lot of things that I don't approve of but I will accept it all because he wants to be my boyfriend."

HE IS TROUBLE. Go back to "phone dating" him if you must remain attached, but find yourself someone who is a responsible and respectable person, not just a horny dog.

[monkeyflower]

Yeah. What sailors wife said.

[yourcuteness]

I'm hearing what you're all saying, but you just don't know the whole story. It'll take too long to type on here lol. But I respect all your comments, and maybe some of them are somewhat true.

Like I said, I know my boundaries and I'm not rushing into anything. And he may be just another horny guy, but if we're not alone (which we're usually not), he won't act upon it. And if we were alone, I have pushed him away or told him that I wanted to stop, and he did.

[yourcuteness]

My boyfriend is 23 and the other 2 pregnacies were with girlfriends of over 1 year, so they weren't one night stands. I don't have any income of my own, I go to school full time and I live at home. And it is partly a religious thing about the pill. I do care how my parents think of me since they've supported me in getting my degree and continuing my education right now and everything else in my life. It's just complicated with the parents that I have, they're just really over protective and I can't just cut ties like that. That's just disrespectful. Again, it's a cultural thing. I mean I love them, but it's just hard (hence the situtation in my relationship with my bf). But I am confused a little, and that's why I'm not rushing into anything. I mean what I did with him, doesn't make me want to do it all the time. Not that I didn't enjoy it, but I know I'm not ready to go all the way... not only with him, but with any other guy (not saying that I want to be with other guys).

[monkeyflower]

Sex isn't everything, but it is important. I cannot possibly stress enough how important it is to have a relationship with someone who has similar views of sex. If neither of you think it's important, great. But prepare yourself for a lifetime of trouble if you marry/get involved with someone who thinks it is. Desire discrepancies are the biggest problems in long-term relationships.

[BearHitch]

This is just what I would do in your situation- If I could go back, I would've waited to have sex.  You have waited this long that giving in now just to see what it is like would be- well I hope something you wouldn't regret but you might and you won't know!  Sex complicates things and before you know it, you stop getting to know each other and then you are always just going at it like rabbits.  And just so you know.. you can say you just want to continue oral and playing around, but pretty soon, things will get too hot to cool down, and he may not be as patient- nor will you.

[ErikaS]

You're not a virgin anymore darling if there's penile penetration involved.

[jgonzales]

Why did he go half way inside you, and he knew you wanted to wait until marriage?
He's sweet talkin you, he's saying things that you want to hear so you would cave in..
I kinda wondering if he's using you.. or cheating on you..

[mslkpage]

I never knew you had wooden shoes. Are you, like, from Holland?

[yourcuteness]

He went halfway in because it was hurting and I told him to stop so he did. I'm not even sure if I want to wait for marriage (like I said before, what happens if I never get married?). I know it's something he doesn't believe in (obviously). Sex is important to him, he's told me that. But he knows because I've never been with anyone before, he's not going to push me. He does have alot of self control. If he was using me or cheating on me, he wouldn't be staying with me throughout this whole time despite that we don't see each other often.

He's nothing like some of the immature college guys who blatantly ask to have sex with me. He has girls hitting on him at work all the time, but they're not the girls that he wants. He doens't believe in cheating since he's been cheated on by every ex he's had. He is mature for his age, he's been through a lot in life and he's ready to settle down. He's not like a typical 23 year old who's into partying and being with many girls as possible. It's just really hard judging someone that you haven't met but have just read by comments on here.

I am a really stubborn person when I want to be, I'm too self conscious to let things get out of hand. I only do what's comfortable to me. I don't give in easily. Like one person said on here, I do have a good head on my shoulders, and people have told me I'm mature for my age also. I've been an honor student all my life, never had detention, probably only ever skipped school once or twice, usually have perfect attendance, musically inclined, have only had 1 alcoholic drink in my life (and it wasn't even on my 21st), never smoked or experiemented with anything, never got any traffic violations or into a car accident ::knock on wood::, never been to a club or a bar, or even stayed out past midnight etc... basically I'm like the goody-goody girl next door.. And I know how guys are, all through high school I've always had more guy friends and I know what they talk about when they're hanging out with their buddies.

I don't let things get hot and heavy, and like I said, we rarely have any alone time together and it's probably going to be even less now that school has started for me again. I've told him no before when he asks to go further. If he just wanted me for sex (which he hasn't got), he would've left me ages ago. So I know he's not just using me and he works long hours and the time he gets out of work and before he sleeps is when we talk on the phone or online. And he hangs out with a few male friends... which one of them I hang around with too.

I know you must all be thinking that I'm just justifying everything about him, but I'm not. I do respect all of your comments and I have kept some of them in mind. It's just hard to judge me or him by what appears on the surface.

[yourcuteness]

Thank you for your comment.

As for the child support & health insurance, he pays and he doesn't get to see his child because there is a court order on that he can't go near the mother or the baby. The court order was started by her father, who forbid her to see him after the baby was born. My bf dropped out of college to work more jobs to help take care of the baby, and they were thinking of marriage prior to the baby. So he was going to take responsibility for his actions. As for the abortion, I believe it's the girl's choice, but it was wrong that she made that choice without him knowing about it until after it was done. He wasn't too happy about that.

The latex allergy, at the beginning he did use to break out but he's gotten more accustomed. He knows the mistakes he's made in the past, and it's not totally his fault too... the girls were at fault for not having alternative birth control. Neither he nor I can afford a baby so he knows protection is a must. And since I dont' want to be on the pill now and I know condoms aren't 100% safe, I'm not going to be having full intercourse. My fear of pregnancy overwhelms me and that prevents me from letting things get out of control, because I prevent it from happening in the first place. I'd rather stick to making out, some groping and touching and a little bit of oral. The internal pain that he says is like he's been kicked in the balls, which slowly goes away.

The money thing, he litterally doesn't have any left over after he pays his bills, rent and gets his groceries. He has his own apartment, cell phone, etc... he doesn't even have his license or a car because that expense is just too much. I mean he gets by with what he has, just barely. If I agree to have an ongoing sexual relationship with him, then I would be buying the non latex condoms and I would then go on birth control also. But because I still live at home, I'm keeping our sexual activities to a minimum. Not saying that once I move out I'm going to become a slut or something. I respect my body too much to do something like that.

[yourcuteness]

I know, I am reading every comment posted on here... about the red flags and what not. I know that there are people with more life experience than me on this issue. That's why I came here in the first place.

I am an analytical person, and I often over think on things (maybe that's why I love psychological research lol). So I am hearing and understanding what everyone is saying on here.

Again, thank you for all the comments so far!

[mslkpage]

Her father started the process for court order? Hmmmm....just how old was the girl that he got pregnant? If she was an adult, then only she can petition the court to deny his visitation. Something ain't right here.

[luv_babies]

I have to say that you are a very smart woman. I praise you for making your desicions and sticking with them! I would have to say that since there was penile penetration, no matter how little, you aren't a virgin anymore. I'm sorry this post has turned into being about your boyfriend and his past mistakes. You seem like a very good judge of character and wouldn't waste your time with a "loser". You know him, we don't. Who knows, maybe he will turn out to be a dud, and if that happens, I think you are smart enough to know when enough is enough. I will reiterate to make sure that you always use protection if you decide to have sex. I also want to comment on your respect for yourself, your parents and your family. I know you said you didn't want to be on birth control and that's fine, but have you thought about a non hormonal birth control, like female condoms, cervial cap or diaphram? Just some ideas if you decided to go down that path. Good luck in everything you do.

[yourcuteness]

Thank you for your comment.

And yes, this post has seem to revolve around his past mistakes lol.

But I know, protection is must. Especially since I don't want to have a baby at this time of my life. I know that nothing is 100% safe except for not having sex.

[cugirl]

If he can afford to pay for child support then he can afford the latex free condoms.  Youve said that his ex's have cheated on him so how do you know that this kid is even his?  Wad a paternity test done?

[yourcuteness]

So the condom thing, if we were to get serious sexually, he and I will find away to afford other condoms. He used a latex condom that time even though he's allergic, but he knows if he didn't use one, I wouldn't let him near me, and he doesn't want to have any accidents happening. He's probably left with less than $40 each week after he pays for everything that he needs to in order to survive. So he is a hard worker and does what he can to get by. So if he wanted to be with me intimately, and didn't have another type of condom, he'd have to suffer the pain afterwards, but he's willing to do that. Like he said, he's learned his lesson, and again, it's not totally his fault because those girls should've been on birth control or something... it takes 2 to make a baby.

The mother of his child was a virgin and that one time got her pregant. She comes from a conservative family also, and that's why her father forbid her to see him afterwards. It wasn't that the father put the court order in because she wasn't underage when the baby was born, but he urged her to put some kind of restraining order for whatever reason. I mean he should be able to see his daughter, especially if he is supporting her. And that's where the corrupted court systems come into play, if someone has money, anything can happen.

[AndiJ78]

Restraining orders aren't handed out like candy, he had to have done something that deomstrated he was a risk to her or their child's safety. I concur with the others, he is feeding you quite the line of BS, not just about this but about the whole lot of it.

Save yourself the heartache and move on now before you end up knocked up and in court getting your own order of protection.

Andi

[BearHitch]

For being analytical, I'd say you are overlooking a lot of comments from an outsider's prospective from the posts on here.  You know him- but it's almost always the people who don't that can see thru the bullshit and tell you "oh dear- I think he may be lying to you!"  Not to be harsh- but I agree with those on here that say I've been there, done that, and he is spoon feeding you so much you can't tell what is truth and what is only his side- things can be so twisted he sounds like the victim.  People don't ask for and judges don't order restraining orders just because they feel like it.

[yourcuteness]

I am not overlooking any comments that people have said. If you read closely when I said I was analytical, I said I was reading and hearing what everyone was saying. If I didn't want to listen, would I still be posting on here and replying to other people's posts? I don't think so. I would've just told everyone to **** off, and yet I never said that. So when I say that I'm hearing and listening everything that's going on, I am and don't undermine what some may say my "naiveness" or whatever. Things get blown out of proportion and yes, some of you may have gone through that yourself, and sorry that you had to go through that. Whatever happened in the past, contributes to our future and often makes us even stronger.

I'm not saying that what you all are saying are right or wrong about him or us. I have friends who thinks he's a good guy and they know what I've been writing on here. And it's not just the friends who are around my age, but I have friends in their late 30s who also say that he's a good guy that's just been hurt too many times. And maybe I haven't known him long myself, but I've spoken to people (his friends, coworkers, family) who have known him for a long time and they say that he's just had a rough life early on, and that he's grown up and matured a lot and he's a good guy.

[luv_babies]

Go with your gut. If people think you are naive, then that's what they'll think no matter what you say. People will always judge someone by their past. Everyone does it, including me. I could tell people one story about my husband's past and they could tell me he's no good. Well I know he's just fine. He could do the samething for me. No one is perfect and even if your bf turns out to be a liar, then you'll learn from that. I agree the story about the restraining order doesn't make sense, BUT you also said we don't know the whole story and you don't want to tell us. And that's fine, because it's really none of our business. I wish you the best and I think you have a bright future ahead of you. Good Luck.

[yourcuteness]

Thank you so much for your heart felt comments. Not once did you bash my bf. And I know no one is perfect. When I first met him, I was a little overwhelmed with his past (not that he did anything terribly wrong) but our backgrounds and how we were raised were very different. But I care about him and his past has made him a better and stronger person today, and I can't let the things in the past put a road block in our relationship. And for those people who are 'perfect' out there, they may be the ones that we should be weary of! lol. Yes I know the story about the restraining order doesn't sound all that legit. I mean he's told me the whole story, I just don't remember every bit of it, but it was to that tune. Either way, he would like to see his child, but he can't. I don't know the child's mother, so I don't know why she won't let him see their child. It's not like he was ever abusive, he would never hit a woman, no matter how angry he would get, he would never lay a finger on one in that way to hurt them. And like you said, it's really none of anyone's business to know the exact detail of the circumstances.

Again, thanks for all the comments. I really appreciate them!

[justlittleolme]

ok I havent read all the comments, but the moment there is penetration on any type, I'd consider it losing your virginity.

As for bleeding.. I didnt bleed the first time I had sex, my ex kind of flipped out (ON our honeymoon) and thought I was lying but I seriously had never even had oral sex or a tampon penetrate me.. I just didnt bleed