adult son w/ADHD

[lynn57]

My son is 28.  He lives at home.  he was diagnosed with ADHD when he was young.  He is only 5' 3'' and acts like he doesn't have a problem.  He takes Concerta (and ritalin for the AM an PM.)  He is a chronic liar and will not take responsibility for anything. He is often verbally abusive when confronted with a lie or a problem.  I feel horrible about wanting him to move out because he seems to have many issues ( depression, anger, trouble sleeping at night with daytime drowsiness.)  Is there anything I can do to help when he won't even admit that he needs the meds.   Sometimes I think the meds make him more irritable. He doesn't take them as prescribed either.  This doesn't help. Often he is loveable and happy and we get along great.  I just never know when the hammer will fall. Would you kick him out? I feel that he would not survive on his own.

[allmymarbles]

Your son is only 5'3." Did you know that Ritalin and its ilk stunts the growth of children? Who knows what other problems the addiction causes. And yes, he is addicted. That may well be the primary source of his problems.

[1centwiz]

Let me guess, he got on here and posted the last comment himself... As to whether what he said is true, that's between you and God. If indeed there is an issue with alcohol and a man who needs to be put in an assisted living situation, then maybe you need to take a look at what has made this situation like it is. I'm not judging, nor condemning as I don't live your life.
As far as your family loving him the way he is, then send him their way and be done with it. It sounds like he's making excuses to stay and if what he said was true, then why not call the officials for elder abuse? Like I said, not here to judge, that's God's job ultimately. But if you need to take stock in your situation, the mere fact that he broke into your account on the computer shows his lack of respect for you and your things. This will never change and I'm sure there are other areas that need some attention to as well in regards to him.
Set the bar, keep the bar and stick to your bar regardless of what family might say. If you need help in the home, then get it. If you need help to work this out, then by all means get it. If he can get his doctor to take care of the cost of the meds, then he's capable of figuring out how to get someone else to take care of him as well.
If you are elderly, you have enough problems to deal with than continuing to care for a peteous child who's old enough to have kids of his own.
Just my 2 cents, well one with inflation...
Nothing is perfect, nothing will change if you are not willing to accept either and work towards a goal to fix them.
Best of luck to you~

[lynn57]

I find a lot of truth in what you are saying.  Rather than fail at something, he gives up first.  He always says" I have never lost a job I really wanted. "  When he did SCA interns he was gone for 6 months at a time and loved his work.  It's the mundane jobs he hates.  He has tried alot of different fields looking for a good fit.  Physical labor suits him best, but due to a malabsorptive condition, he has small stature.  I would love to talk him into tapering off the Concerta but he loves his spurts of concentration and ability to stay up past 8:00pm.  I think this would get better with time.  I do not pay for his Concerta.  He goes through a program that Johnson and Johnson has for people with no insurance.  His Dr. does the paperwork and he gets it free with a card they send him.  I thought when he turned 26, he would seek natural alternatives due to cost but his doctor took care of that.  He has taken Concerta since he was in college.  Because of growth problems we would not allow it when he was younger.  I am afraid he would find a way to self medicate, anyway.  I wish I could do the tough love thing but my family would never forgive me.  They all adore him the way he is.  He has begged for a cat.  I agreed that when he had a job for 6 months and was able to support it, I would allow it. Also he has to clean his room on a daily basis.( as he would a litter box.)  Never happened.  His doctor acts like he is doing wonderfully. I give up.

[1centwiz]

Personally, I prefer to be off meds and eat better. I've found that by taking a liquid multi vitamin, eggs with cheese, avocados and spinach help me get focused in the morning. As long as I eat lunch I do ok but if not then I just don't make it through the day anymore. I have a bad habit of not eating because I forget... I know sounds like a good habit at times, but not when your blood sugar and brain get all out of wack without the proper nutrients.
Junk food and gluten products seem to make me worse. Sugar of course is an enemy of mine but I have to give in once in awhile with honey or chocolate. I use stevia to sweeten tea or coffee. I've never been a big coffee drinker, but used to have soda's instead. Now I'm not doing either on a regular basis.
Also, it sounds like he's got no direction, and no consequences for him to be responsble for. Has he ever had a dog or a cat where he was the sole provider for? I say those two animals simply because they interact with us as humans and demand attention from us. They are in their own way ADHD as well. Dependant and lovable but annoying at times... hee hee.. atempt at humor here...
What is he interested in? I think it would be good for him to get involved with something that forces him to have boundaries and structure. If he like the forestry thing, let him go for it... I bet he'd be good at working with troubled teens as well. He's probably pretty intuitive and sensitive although he won't show it out of fear.
He messes up at work because he's afraid of failing and so he messes up on purpose so that he's in control of when he does as he figures it will happen anyway, as it always has, simply because he's self sabotaging himself.
At 28 he's not going to take on any responsibility if he isn't forced to. It's called tough love and it's called co-dependancy as well.
I know that by my experiences within the last few years, I don't do well on medications of any sort. Most of them act totally different on me than they should so the results are totally unknown and unpredictable. Not at all the way I want to live my life.
Also if he doesn't have a job, how can he afford meds? Hmmm...
Hope my experiences help you out some... It's nice to have family that care enough, but you also have to shove the guy out of the nest so he'll know that his wings indeed do work and he can fly on his own...
Cheers, Tamra

[allmymarbles]

He is on speed. That would make him irritable. Try taking him off it - slowly.

[lynn57]

It's been awhile since I posted.  Still in same boat.  I love my son with all my heart but I just can't get him to admit that there is a problem.  He works sporadically and has difficulty paying his own bills let alone pitching in around the house.  My husband wants to retire soon and we will have a tough time if he remains irresponsible.  Concerta, when taken properly is a good drug, but not many adults can do that.  It's hard to feel sleepy when you need to be motivated and know there's a pill in your pocket.  My son always figures he'll just skip his meds on the week-end and catch back up.  Something always comes up and he ends up short at the end of the month.  I love his sense of humor off the  meds.  He is easy going but unable to stay on task.  On his meds he is irritable, defensive and hard to get along with.  Where's the happy medium?????