I agree. When very serious issues are involved, we can listen but should not play therapist for our friends. Because truth is, we aren't and we could make what turns out to be a huge mistake with what we say. We also can not take on other's problems when they are unwilling to deal with them themselves. peace
Oh my, I'm glad he hasn't killed anyone slinging that gun around....yet. I'm glad grandma's got the kid. This is way to serious to mess around with. A professional should be involved. I don't think it's safe for you to try to be her counselor or advisor because the man who is WAVING HIS GUN AROUND DRUNK THREATENING HER COULD TURN ON YOU!!! You need to think about your own safety. Talk to the authorities.
No.you need to keep reaching out to her until she accepts your help i was in the same situation and it was bwd for a very very long time. About 3 years because no one reached out to me. In situations like this with psycho men things get dangerous very fast so it is hard sometimes for a woman to reach for example my guy was so crazy he wouldnt let me out of his sight. Never let me have alone time and checked my messages several times a day. Violent guys do way more behind closed doorsnyour friend isn't telling you everything she's frightened because something makes her feel so stuck and unsafe that she is adapting through silence to the abuse. If she and him are always together and always alone she is fearing for her life and is afraid to leave she thinks he'll find her if she leaves and hurt her when he does or drag her back with him. Dont give up your friend she is under a lot of pressure just ask her what time can you talk you know when he's not around she'll safer talking when he's not near and she'll feel support from you and start thinking about her situation more logically.
Your friend's life has become unmanageable and she needs to reach out for help. She needs to look at her own life, and ask herself why she is co dependent, and deal with that with a therapist. She desperately needs to go to Alanon, so that she can live her own life, even while staying with this abuser. She probably wants to help him, and you can approach the conversation that you have with her, as to definite things that she can do to help him, but first she must make herself strong. The fact is, that in her own therapy she will be advised to let him go, for his own good. That her enabling him is actually to his detriment, but you don't need to tell her that bottom line. You can support her to get into therapy and Alanon, in order to "help" her partner, initially, and she may just go "for his sake" if not her own. You sound like you need to understand the basics of the program yourself. Like, the Serenity Prayer, for instance. God , Grant me the Serenity to Accept the Things I cannot Change, The Courage to Change the Things I Can, and the Wisdom to Know the Difference. You must learn when it is health for you to "Let Go, and Let God" so that this unhealthiness doesn't consume you. I pray your friend isn't pregnant also. Please let us know how things are going and if you need to talk, please feel free to message me. I've gone through this type of abuse, unfortunately, and I sympathize with you. LIz
Thanks alot..really helpful suggestions..i'll try my best to get her to a therapist & this morning see confessed to me that she might be pregnant I pray to the lord she isn't b/c her mother has taken her son away & refuses to give him back until she leaves but its like she dont even care she's just worried about the guy so sad smh but again thanks for you help..
Hi there. It is really hard to watch people we care about make absolute messes of their lives. She has by attaching herself to this man and this situation.
Really not much you can do. Encourage her to seek help for HERSELF. I'd ask her to see a therapist because the majority of healthy thinking people see dysfunctional situations and walk away. Something inside her keeps her there. something very unhealthy. She is codependent and yes, may have her own issues with addiction, using and depression.
You can only encourage her to help herself and that you will be there if she needs you to help. (such as a night or two stay at your place while she finds somewhere to live, a ride to an Al Anon meeting, help finding a psychologist which she desperately needs to examine why she is living this life). But other than that, your hands are tied. I would not become her talking person about this as it is very frustrating. IF she is unwilling to make any changes and lives in denial that this is an okay relationship to tie herself to------ it is sad. Very isolating for her and you can be there in other ways. Offer to pick her up and take her to lunch. Chat about 'other' things.
But people do have to save themselves. You can have one really good discussion with her about all of this and at that time offer her ideas---- go to a therapist, go to a clinic to be treated for depression, if she is using go to an AA meeting, if it is just her boyfriend using, go to an al anon meeting, etc. But she has to make the decision that this lifestyle isn't going to work for her and walk away. THAT is why she wasn't in contact. Deep down she knows that the life she is living is a mess and she is ashamed and embarressed. That is how addicts keep their partners isolated. The shame of their life. She has nothing to be ashamed of but does need to dig deep and get herself out of it. good luck