I suspect my daughters new step-dad maybe molesting her

[TPerez1990]

Hello,

The other day I was hanging out with my daughter and I could see she was clearly upset. I asked her what was wrong but she didn't say anything at first. At first I let it go but a few hours later I asked her again. Something was clearly bothering her.

She told me the other day when she was home at her mothers (FYI, we're divorced) she was drying her hair in the bathroom when she noticed an ipod phone peeking from under the door jam as if someone was taking pictures using the phone/cam. The door has a size able gap and when she saw it it really freaked her out. She mentioned prior to that she and her step-dad were uploading pics from his iphone to picassa. When he was looking away she saw pics of herself, nothing revealing but unsettling nonetheless. Lastly, before school she always has her mom and step-dad give her outfit a 'once over' before heading out the door. One time, according to my daughter, her mom wasn't home and she asked her step-dad to make sure her outfit was OK to wear. Well he went up to her and as he was adjusting her clothes he 'slightly' groped her.

I'm torn at this stage. I'm fuming with so much hatred but I want to do the right thing. My daughter said everything is OK and that they all had a talk at the dinner table. My girl told her mom who in turn confronted him but of course he denied it. She would never make any of this stuff up. She's going to be 18 this year and leaving for college. She and her mom have been living with this guy for over 3 years now and this suddenly happened. At the very least I told my girl that she can move in with me. As far as I'm concerned she can finish her senior year in high school and stay with me when she attends college.

What do regarding this guy???

[AUSTIN431]

i apologize if i'm not understanding what you both are saying and i'm not trying to offend just worried about his daughter and i hope they find a good solution very quickly

[RockRose]

Okay,  well,  we're not making it about "you" either,  so I guess this all works out.  

You're not understanding what Margy and I are saying.  For some reason,  you're not getting what we're saying.  

Best wishes for TPerez's daughter,  she seems to be really in a hard spot,  and I'd hate to be a teenager and think some older guy was filming me.  Sounds awful.  

[AUSTIN431]

my statements are my opinion and i stand by mine also  i'm not making it about me i'm making about what the girl said happened to her not when nothing gives anyone the right to touch someone in inappropriately it could only take one more time alone with him for things to go really bad for his daughter and i hope that doesn't happen

[margypops]

Nor did I see that .'blame the victim' ....In fact I said the step father did seem to have inappropiate feelings towards her and a red flag went up in my head ..I stand by what I said ..this isnt about us it was a question put here for opinions .....

[RockRose]

Austin,  I don't see anyone blaming the victim.

It's an odd ritual - really odd - for BOTH the stepfather and mother to inspect a teenage girl before she goes to school.  Really odd.  I don't get the impression that this girl is one of those who refuses to wear decent clothing,  or one who they have to watch hawkishly to keep her looking decent.  (Some parents ARE faced with that,  girls who refuse to cover their bodies and would go naked to school if they were allowed.  I'm not sensing that here).  

I'm also not understanding what adjustment could be done to clothing that would take it from unacceptable to acceptable.  Unacceptable requires adding more clothes,  or substituting longer skirts for shorter ones,  etc.  You don't feel around on the clothes and adjust them and fine good to go.  

[AUSTIN431]

really blame the victim? i see nothing but red flags i'm sure this dress thing was something they did every day so she had no reason to not ask him to check since her mom wasn't home but now that he GROPED her she doesn't do it anymore listen the number one thing predators look for is opportunity if he's taking pictures of her and has touched her enough has already happened and obviously she is worried or she never would have told you and her mom about it kids know when they get a feeling from people they shouldn't you should trust your daughters instincts really where can groping and inappropriate pictures led to a little daughter and step dad bonding time? get real this isn't heading anywhere but some place bad people are to worried about other people's feeling they don't want to accuse someone of something so bad but thats how they keep getting away with it (i do agree that you shouldn't accuse someone without proof and i think a child's statement that wouldn't lie about it is enough) you said your daughter would never lie about something like this she told both you and her mother that means that enough has happened that she is uncomfortable and scared and she's expecting you to do whats right for her and thats getting her away from him before its too late

[margypops]

That was also my question why does she need anyone to adjust her dress or check her over, it may be a good idea to avoid that kind of familiarity.It certainly sends up a red flag that he isn't thinking appropiately about her.At 18 she is old enough to make her own decisions , it may be better for her comfort to live somewhere else ..good luck

[RockRose]

I don't think he's molesting her,  or she would have told you that.  I do think he's photographing her inappropriately,  and I'm not sure it just started.  It may have been going on for quite some time,  since she did discover pictures of her on his Iphone.  At this point he may get more creative and install surveillance equipment she can't see.  He may have been spying on her through little holes in walls,  too.  I don't know how you can find out about this,  since he can easily delete photos from his phone if he's asked about it.  An Iphone sticking under a bathroom door is a VERY odd place for it - it's out of the realm of possibility that it was inadvertently left there for no purpose.  

I think you have the option to call the police,  and they can get a search warrant to seize his computer and iphone,  where any inappropriate photos may be stored.  

I do have two kind of unrelated questions:  why do they give her the once over every morning?  In general,  is she right at the cusp of being within the dress code each day so she needs adjustments made?  This seems odd to me,  that her mom AND stepdad would eyeball her on the way out each and every morning,  a task that can't go undone one morning  just because Mom isn't there,  and even required "adjustments".  What needed to be adjusted,  exactly,  and then it became fine to wear for the rest of the day?  I'm sorry to nitpick,  but that's strange.   I understand the need to in general watch over kid's wardrobe and make sure they buy appropriate things and a few summer items are for at home only,  but this kind of vigilance is a red flag.

Secondly,  is there some reason she has to live with a parent in college, and not the much more typical learning experience of living with other students?  

[AUSTIN431]

if she not willing to protect herself you need to do it for her it always starts out to the child as something they might have been mistaken about they think no this can't be right i know this person they wouldn't do this to me but they aren't and i can't say a 100% that he would rape her but it sounds like its heading that way to me and there whole lot of stuff in between thats just as awful i know if she was my daughter he would never get the chance anytime your daughter is alone with him she's in danger not only does he always have access to her and can set up creepy things like cameras in her room but he also has access to her food and drinks which can lead to drugging to make her cooperate or pass out and make her forget what happens a lot of people might say i'm over reacting but i disagree you'll find huge numbers of girls that were molested by their step dads or their moms boyfriends its a very real problem and you should get your daughter out of that situation as soon as you can its probably happening now because your daughter will be leaving soon or because she'll be 18 soon it could have been anything that set him off but right now he's probably testing how far he can go make sure that he knows that everyone is aware of his behavior and make sure she gets out of there and that he can't get access to her anymore even at school i would file a report with cps, make sure her school knows to watch out for any usual behavior and get a lawyer if you have to