My adult son is abusing us mentally

[Jimbo63]

My son is 24 and is on eplipsy medication but in recent years he tries to anny and pick arpuements with us all day long over nothing like forgetting to put sugar in his tea that will be a whole morning argument.,  He accuses us of lying  about things he does .ifmwe argue for too long he stats to break things.he hides our phones ,tablets.smashes holes in the wall. The other day he stuck his fingers up at his mother behind his back and thought I didn't see. When his mother asked why he did it he started shouting at her calling her a f******g liar and saying to me see she trying to get me into trouble. At the moment its his way or no way
We are walking on eggshells just waiting for his next explosion.we are at the end of our tether my wife and I are also fighting now
Please help

[lea_cattel]

There can be many reasons for this kind of behavior here are some of my speculations. Epilepsy can comorbid with other mental health issues. He has suffered from epilepsy for a long time and now he is on breaking point. The medications for his condition is taking toll on him and his behavior is a manifestation of mood swing side-effects.

Now, as I mentioned those are only speculations and the way to be sure is for him to get assessed and evaluated by a professional. He should be diagnosed for you to get a sense of certainty. Also once he got checked, the doctor will prescribe and recommend some treatment measures he can do.

I know this may be hard to accept but you need to be patient with him. If he is suffering from epilepsy there is a possibility that his behavior is caused by his mental health issue and not based on his free will. You need to be patient and understanding.

[thunderseed]

First of all, he's 24, so having a temper tantrum in public could send him to jail - it's quite important that he goes to anger managament classes or learns how to control it in a better way, or possibly removes himself from whatever is triggering him.
Has he been going through anything stressful or traumatic in these recent years - any big changes in his life or in the family? If so, he could be reacting to outside factors. It might help him to find a counsellor or someone else he can talk to.
Even if there isn't anything going on in his life, it's still evident that he feels upset, insecure, threatened, underappreciated or disrespected. People don't get angry for no reason, there is something bothering him and he feels like he has to defend himself and act out to get attention. It seems like, for whatever reason, he feels like his parent's are against him.

When dealing with someone with a temper, the best thing you can do is take the high road and just apologize to them and let them have their way. There is NO point in arguing with them, continuing the fight is only putting yourself in danger.
It's pointless pointing out their faults, because they already feel like you aren't on their side in the first place.
Put yourself in their shoes and try to see what they are so upset about and then apoligize for your part in it. Make it seem like you care about their wellbeing. The most important thing that disarms anger and conflict in relationships is being compassionate.
To be compassionate you really have to learn to agree with him and see things his way.
This will take a lot of dealing with your own temper and your own defensiveness, just calm down, take a deep breath and be the bigger man by admitting you were wrong and showing that you love the other person.
It's silly to keep bashing heads with eachother, you probably know by now that's not solving anything. Realize that when someone has a temper tantrum, it means they are feeling threatened.
So stop giving them reasons to feel threatened. Instead, treat them with kindness, love and try to be understanding.
He can find better ways to deal with his anger if he wants to learn about it in therapy or support groups or even online.
Talk to him when he is not angry and let him speak his mind and tell you what's wrong. Don't pressure him into telling you what's wrong, just seem genuinely caring and interested in how he is doing.

Some other tips about dealing with an angry person are:
- Never ask a lot of questions when you see they are angry or agitated, because an angry person isn't thinking clearly and lots of questions will just exasperate the problem.
- Never be hostile or defensive to an angry person, don't try to **** them off even more, don't touch them, don't insult them or badger them because all of that will just put you in danger.
- Make sure your own facial expressions, tone of voice and body language are all calm, loving and compassionate.
- Don't reprimand them for not making sense or for using profanities when they are trying to express themselves, this will just make them feel unlistened to and disrespected.  
- Dont walk away from an angry person, ignoring them will make them angrier and that can put you in physical danger. If they remove themselves, let them go, otherwise removing yourself without their consent can actually exasperate the problem.
- If he goes into a black out rage the best thing you can do is remove all threats, all people around should stop moving, stop talking and get lower than the person to submit to them. Talking to them, running away or trying to fight back will only encourage them to harm you physically but if you stop moving and get close to the ground they will no longer see you, a person becomes much like a bull seeing red during black out rages. Wait in silence until the black out subsides and they come back to their senses.
If his anger turns violent and he refuses to get help, you might have to think about phoning the police.

Lastly, your relationship with your wife has nothing to do with him, and hopefully you are not putting that on your son. No offence, but instead of pointing the blame at your son, it's quite evident that you and possibly your wife both have very poor communication and conflict resolution skills, so something that could help you is counselling, mediating or even taking some workshops to learn these skills. Like they say, there are two sides of the story. I am willing to bet he feels just as "abused" and unheard as you do. All you can do is look after yourself and take responsibility for your own problems.
Your son is an adult so you can't force him to get the help he needs, but you can get the help that you need and take steps to make your part of the situation better.
There's obviously something big bothering him if he's getting so angry and is acting out all the time and I believe that if you could come around to talking to him, strengthen your relationship with him so that he trusts you and spend more time with him in a way that shows him that you care, he'll feel safe talking to you about it, instead of acting out. Other than pointing him in the direction of therapy, being there for him, taking care of yourself and being more compassionate and loving to him is all you can do to make it better.