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My wife abuses me
I have been abused by my wife since I got married. I have to admit that I have made a couple of decisions in my life that my wife wasn't happy about it that has made our lifes from an economic point of view more difficult. As a result of those decisions I get abused on a daily basis. I don't know what to do anymore. I have been feeling guilty and put up with it for the longest time. We have three children and if it wasn't for them I could take some action but I don't want to risk my children. I know that if we got a divorce she would make sure my life is as misarable as it can be. We met in the USA and when I finished my degree I wanted to go back to my country but she didn't want to come. I was madly in love and I decided to stay. We got married and that's when the abuse started. I had kept a few things to myself about my past relationship's. She started a brutal interrogation that lasted for six months. Every detail, every action, everything she demanded to know and didn't stop till she got all the information through mental torture. What I mean about mental torture is that she would ask me the same questions for hours, days, weeks, months, non stop. She would argue with me till early morning hours non stop. And the next day and the next. Finally we got through that stage and life went back to "normal". This abuse has continued for different reasons. There is always seems to be a reson for her to abuse me. She is not happy with her life and I get the blame. That's OK. But is that a normal person's behaviour? Today again from the minute i wake up she has been shouting at me. 9 hours in a row non stop. Always the same things over and over. If you had bought a house when I told you!!!!! etc... etc...
Boy is this unbalanced. You make decisions. She participates. You and she hold only you responsible for them. It doesn't sound like you work well together as a team and that's something counseling can help. It's hard to tell whether what she's doing is abuse or not from here. Again a counseler just for you can help you tell. Abuse is manipulative, put downs, and disproportionate, and actively isolating. It's not just crazy-high levels of anger.
Sounds like you make decisions without working out the possibilities with her and persist until she gives in. You take too much control, out of your own worries about how to care for a family. Probably also out of an outdated somewhat controlling view of male-female relationships. Sounds like she blames you and takes no responsiblity for the decisions nor for the families well being herself. She probably feels complete lack of control over the choices.
Staying together for kids in an unhealthy situation makes no sense. Then they grow up with that as their model and meanwhile have to live with all the stress.
Your choices from here are any of
1. get counseling for yourself
2. invite her to join you
3. talk with your wife and actively ask her to help you figure out how to fix things and how to plan for your futures. If she feels like she has more control, she might be much calmer. Don't just apolgize or kowtow to her now...figure out how to work together. You acknowledge here how upsetting all this has been for her. Make sure you are acknowledging it to her too. Ask her to acknowledge how much pressure you feel to keep the family cared for even beyond when she asks you too.
4. if you can't get to a calm healthy place, do what's best for your kids, leave. If she can't get past where she's out given a good chance and some changes from you, sometimes you have to give up.
Hope something in here helps.
Sounds like you make decisions without working out the possibilities with her and persist until she gives in. You take too much control, out of your own worries about how to care for a family. Probably also out of an outdated somewhat controlling view of male-female relationships. Sounds like she blames you and takes no responsiblity for the decisions nor for the families well being herself. She probably feels complete lack of control over the choices.
Staying together for kids in an unhealthy situation makes no sense. Then they grow up with that as their model and meanwhile have to live with all the stress.
Your choices from here are any of
1. get counseling for yourself
2. invite her to join you
3. talk with your wife and actively ask her to help you figure out how to fix things and how to plan for your futures. If she feels like she has more control, she might be much calmer. Don't just apolgize or kowtow to her now...figure out how to work together. You acknowledge here how upsetting all this has been for her. Make sure you are acknowledging it to her too. Ask her to acknowledge how much pressure you feel to keep the family cared for even beyond when she asks you too.
4. if you can't get to a calm healthy place, do what's best for your kids, leave. If she can't get past where she's out given a good chance and some changes from you, sometimes you have to give up.
Hope something in here helps.
But you can't change them, and your wife is acting very childish expecting you to wave a magic wand and make her life all better. She seems to have forgotten that her primary job right now is to be a Mommy. When women have children, we have a choice: devote ourselves to being good mothers, or try to maintain a career while being a mother.
Your wife is baiting you, and you're taking that bait and running with it. She put her life in your hands and now isn't happy with the outcome. Completely unfair. Stop jumping through her hoops and start making your own decisions about what is right for your family. Certainly ask for her input, but criticism isn't constructive input. If that is all she can offer, you can choose to ignore it. Again, she needs to get herself into some kind of therapy. It sounds like she has a whole lot of issues to deal with and she can't do it alone. Will she go? Will you?
Your wife is baiting you, and you're taking that bait and running with it. She put her life in your hands and now isn't happy with the outcome. Completely unfair. Stop jumping through her hoops and start making your own decisions about what is right for your family. Certainly ask for her input, but criticism isn't constructive input. If that is all she can offer, you can choose to ignore it. Again, she needs to get herself into some kind of therapy. It sounds like she has a whole lot of issues to deal with and she can't do it alone. Will she go? Will you?
One more idea - get yourself and your wife checked out for depression and bipolar depression. Both can lead to unreasonable anger. Depression can have an odd effect on the family dynamics.
Your situation sounds rather complicated. Ofcourse it is hard to judge a situation from just one side of a story. Your wife sounds like she has a lot of frustrations. Women who are full time mothers find it to be a very hard and challenging job and it is not uncommon to have a wife that is not too happy. Maybe she feels she has no control of her life and the decisions that you had made for you both. Unfortunately, in todays world its just too easy to walk out when the going gets tough. If you still love her, make future decions with her, do things to correct the situation, take the initiative to calm the situation down. Your kids will be watching and learning from your reaction as well. Good luck to you!
I really appreciate a lot for your inputs and your interest. It's a rather complicated situation which I created and it will take a lot of changes ta make it right. I don't think either of us is depressed. My wife's reaction to adverse situations has always been the same. A lot of anger for long periods of time. Things that i or somebody else said let's say ten years ago come up all the time as if it had happened yesterday. I on the contrary forget and forgive very quickly. I love my wife and I just hope that if I can giver back what i took from her she will change. Thanks once again to everybody for listening and expressing concern about my situation.
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