Unique situation with typical questions

[TheListGoesOn]

So i joined today for medical issues and saw this area. I figured i should take this opportunity to share n ask since I don't and have not before. I was raised and lived with my mother, who would be the kindest person but would also be a beast. I was always scared never knowing which side i was dealing with. She would kick, punch, pinch, pull, push, slap, backhand me in my face andentire body. She would say it was because i was lieing or misbehaving. I recieved multiple beatings daily or at least once a day. When i turned 13 i remember brought a 16in long 5in thick padel into the mix. She would calmly tell me to lay face down on her bed and beat hit me multiple times, i would try and ask why she was doing this through the tears and pain and try and cover myself with my hands nut the wood hitting my knuckles hurt worse. As she would do it she would be saying stuff like "it hurts me more than it hurts you" The reason she would tell me was because i was a lier, misbehaving or bad. Her mother and her sisters knew what was going on to a certain degree as they would see  her or see me make a face when we would be out and she would kick or pinch me under the table or take me to the bathrooms at returaunts and beat me in the bathrooms. They would occasionally tell her she can't do that but would never do anything to stop her, tell on her or help me, just sit there and pretend it did't happen. This started at about 4 or 5 to about 17yrs old. My gradmother tried ONCE to call DYFS and a a middle school teacher called himself a few years later after seeing bruisis but did nothing but get me more beatings since she was a cop and DYFS took her at her word when she denied everything. I would be grounded for years, no tv, no phone, no going outside, no wearing jeans, new shoes or any "cool" clothes to school, not allowed to get haircuts, made me wear dress pants that didnt fit, dress shoes and button downs on a daily basis from elementary-middle to freshman in high school. Anything to try and destroy my social life. I would get picked on and fight back, but would then get beat when i got home. Any bad grade, beat, any coment from a teacher,  beat. Any time she wasnt beating me she was hugging and kissing me telling me how much she loves me. As i got older i found myself feeling like angry but also sad because it was my fault when i upset her. Nowadays i can't bring it up without and argument or accusations of lying about what happened, to her not remembering things. (how convienient). The hard part, up untill a recent accident motorcycle accident i never help my aunts, grandmother or mother accountable and continued a pleasant relationship with them. After the concusion though i really have no respect and when i see them im disgusted by the site of them all. The problem is when i see them and my mother i get an intense anger and disgust and i feel it shows, and i argue with them about everything and anything, mostly my mother, than i get mad at myself for acting like that and the vicious cycle begins to thepoint where i feel like everythings my fault. I also get even more upset and anxiaty if my mom leaves after an argument thinking she'll die and the last thing i did before would haunt me forever. I smoke weed daily to concur these fears. I dont know what the F to do or how to act. My father was no better, his favorite was the belt, yet everythnigs my fault and they did nothing wrong to this day.
Anyway, I dont know why i did all this but i feel something writing it down. Thanks for your time.

[jo929]

you had a good answer but it shold have went to the list goes on  jo

[younggrandmother]

I'm sorry 'I'm not sure how a mother can hurt her child we should protect and love and love should not hurt MY husband also lived with a beast when he was little everyone around him knew what was going on and they all kept quiet.When he was 4 his step/dad burned his little hands on the stove (he was eating a tomato) in the middle of the night. MOM let this happen a did nothing to help him.Now he can't even look at a tomato. He could not even get out of bed not even to go to the bathroom so he would go to the bathroom in the bed , his mother then would make them lie face down in the wet bed till morning (she would tie him to the bed) . So many beating he can't count One day he came home from school a found her passed out with no clothes on, he thought she was dead and called the police. After they left she beat him.Just like you he could not count on any one . I'm going on and on this is not my story it is yours I think you should talk to your mother let her know how you fill. My husbands mother passed a way years ago and the only thing he is sad about is that he did not ask the question WHY. He still wakes up at night yelling (I fill so sorry for him )no one should be able to treat children like this but people get away with it every day.Be strong I know you are you have to be. Tell her how she hurt you and tell your ( family )how they hurt you and how they let you down .Good Luck :) Be STRONG

[TheListGoesOn]

Sorry, I should have been more specific, I was referring to my original post, which was filled with typos, double words and not making any sense. I was not judging you.  

Ally, your right. The day i turned 18 i was outta there and had put it all out of my head. None of what happened really bothers me but it has played a  role in my development. I got into alot fights because i acted the same way, when other guys disrespect me i would immediatly get physical. I still do sometimes but since i know why im getting better at controlling it. My problem is letting all this anger, rage, disgust and mistrust go as it drives me crazy and has ruined plenty of my relationships with girls and women.

[jo929]

i guess you have figured out by my posts that i never have typed before 2 years ago when i started using the computer, i see lots of my mistakes i can spell but my finger hits the wrong key  anyway alleymarbles has a good ans Fly away  and time will heal   luck  jo  never feel bad about posting

[allmymarbles]

Just get up and leave. Children can't defend themselves from such abuse, but you are 23. Leave. Forget obligation, forget guilt, Go. When you are gone long enough you will even dismiss the beatings, because they will have been of the past, and not of your new life. Fly away like a bird.

[TheListGoesOn]

First let me thank you for reading that novel. Seeing all those grammer mistakes i believe typing late is as good as dialing drunk. I felt weird after i posted it and actually tried to find the delete button, ha. Thankfully there is no such thing. I woke up feeling naked but also, not to be cliche, but also weight off my shoulders. I red your posts and i like and appreciate all the ideas and opinions you have. Especially about dusting it off and getting on.. G-D willing i can  have the strength to beat this anger, disgust and guilt. Thanks again for the help.

[jo929]

I know that many people will not agree with my comments about not forgiving, but that is your decision to make and this is just my own personal opinion and not a proffesional one   jo

[jo929]

First let me say that i am sorry that you have had to live such a life, no one should have to put up with this, but you have, and now you are 23, do not feel bad about hating your mother was sick, but i do not ecuse her for what she has done, anyone should no better than to treat a child this way, as far as not being able to stand the rest who did not help tell them how you feel,, do not ask why just tell them they have no excuse, and they will have to live with their miseable selves, when  and if you get ready to forgive you can, as far as your mom there should be no guilt, it was her fault not yours, and i think that you should stand up and get it off of your mind, i think that geting it out of your systym will help also you may need counseling, but just thank God you do not have to live with this bunch of warprd people you are ready to start on the brink of life, and if there is anyway that you can see to put this behind you go for ir, you have a whole new world out there, and leave this muserable past behind, as you are not to blame, and let no one tell you that you are you are the victim. they are the abusers plese do not let them win show them that you are strong enough to overcome this and they did nor win  never never feel guilty, also it would seem that this is thew way mom got her kicks tell her, but do not take anything from her you are now your own boss