so fed up with mother

[fedupgrl]

I am 30 years old, and my mother is 66. She has temper tantrums like she is 4. She throws things, and flies off the handle over things that aren't worth wasting energy on. She has absolutely no tolerance for stress. I am so tired of her behavior, and when I tell her I can't stand it, she says she "doesn't give a s*#%". This behaviour has been going on for years, and has gotten worse since my father passed away 7 years ago. She does not have good relationships with her sisters, both of which are younger than her and seem to get along much better when my mother is not involved. Also, she had an unstable childhood with her parents. From what I have learned through others, it sounds like my grandmother (who I never knew), was controlled and manipulated by my grandfather. Traits which I believe she has inherited.

I understand that these things have a lasting affect on a person, however, I am so fed up with her I am thinking of cutting her completely out of my life. It seems the longer I am away from her the happier I feel because I am not exposed to her mood swings and out of control temper. I need to figure out a way to get her to stop this behaviour becuase it would be nice to have a normal relationship with my mom, but it seems impossible to get her to change. If my father were here today to see the way she acts, he would be appalled. He was a very level headed, intelligent person who had very little tolerance for my mother’s meltdowns. I will be going to a counselor to ask what I should do, because I can’t deal with her much longer. She treats me poorly, and always has. She is manipulative, tries to control me (with little success), criticizes me and anyone I associate with, and is constantly putting me on guilt trips for her own misfortunes. She claims that she would never be jealous of me, but it seems like she is. I have a great job, good friends and boyfriend, none of which she has. She also has struggled with her weight for years, which is something I can't relate to. She told me that I would become a "fatass" once I turned 23 because that's when she started to gain weight, but it didn't happen. I told my father when I was a teenager that my mother said she would never be jealous of me, but he said that she wasn’t telling the truth. Another thing that bothers her is that since my father and I had a much better relationship than we ever had, she is jealous of that and doesn't know how to cope with it, so she lashes out at me to make herself feel better. I have done research on emotionally abusive mothers, and she fits the description to a tee.
Anyway, I am writing this to get a response from someone who is not involved, and someone who may possibly have some insight as to what I should do to resolve the problem before I just give up.

[Marylou_II]

When your mom was a teenager nothing of what is mentioned in the following link was ever known most personality disorders were truly known by 1980. Today in 2010 it is still hidden because of shame, guilt and stigma. Don't forget to take that into consideration, the enclosed link is to the index for all the available forums.

http://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php

I suggest you first read the index find the forum that meets your situation and begin reading, if you believe they can help you then join and post  what ever you please, these guys really know a lot about your problem and many of them have the same issues with their moms.

I hope it helps you understand and do the right thing for you and for your mom.

Regards.  

[saysaygirl]

Wow kinda sounds like my mother. My mother is 57 and she does not get along with her sisters at all and since i was very young she has never told me one good thing unless she wanted something from me. She has also treated me and my father poorly. My mother has the same symptoms as yours. My mother tells me that my fiance is a bum and that im dirt but when she wants something everything is fine. All my friends she hates but when they are in her face she loves em. She Drinks on top of all of it which makes her mean and violent. Living with that as a kid was not enjoyable. My mother seems to be getting worse as well. I live with my fiance and still im haunted by my mother. No body in the family wants anything to do with her and i always wanna get away from her. I can't stand being in the same room as her for long at all. My mother through out my child hood had physically, mentally and emotionally abused me. I hated her with a passion. I still hate her. The thing is I sat down and thought... and matured about this. If you think about it once she is gone you will miss your mother. Even if you hate her or cant stand her. Even if she says some of the worst things in the world. You have to understand my mother too had inherited some horrible traits and i had to suffer like you through them and even though she does everything to make me hate her that much more and disown her. She is my mother and she had done lots for me and lots of nothing for me. I hate to say it but i will cry for her if she were to die. My dad stays with her and she picks on him beats on him but he is the only person she has that will put up with her. I dnt know how he has done it. I look at it this way my mom does love me. I love my mom if not for her i wouldnt be where i am now i wouldnt have the life i have now. If you stop and think about it you can push her away and leave your mom with no one that will kill her inside. She is still a person with feelings and you are her child. You know you love her. You just need to find away to cope with all this. Your mother like mine doesnt know any other way to get attention from loved ones except one way. I probably won't take care of my mom when she gets old and cant take care of herself. She will probably die mean and b*tchy. Every mom means well but doesnt know how to show it sometimes. My mom should have got help years ago for her problems but she denies having anything and think she is perfectly fine. What can you do sometimes you know. I dnt know exactly it is for you but it sounds much like how part of my life story with my mother was. Best thing i can tell you is just get away sit under a tree in a nice calm place and just think about everthing. Decide what you exactly wanna do. Think about what if you do this? What will happen? The pros and cons thing. I will not be there for my mom but i do let her know that she is loved but i will not forgive her for the past. It sickens me to think that after all i have been through with her that i can care somewhat about her but its more like i feel pity for her. I tried to help the best i can but its hard to exactly explain what im saying.  plus im half asleep =P What ever you figure out i hope it works to the best of your favor. Nobody deserves to be treated badly. Yet the way i see it im not gonna sink down to my mothers level. Just have way when it comes to her. Cause its tough in situtations like that.

[kenneltech]

Dump her ***.  Plain and simple, get away from her.  If her own family (sisters) can't stand her, then when she gets older and needs taking care of, guess who's gonna end up doing it?  Yeah, you!  That's what happened to me, because no one could stand to be around her bitching all the time, and her verbal abuse.

I understand that she may have went through alot as a child, but that's no excuse to verbally abuse anyone else.  Why didn't she go get some help?

Fact of the matter is, she is miserable, so she has to make everyone around her miserable.  Don't fall into that trap, get the hell out now!!

You had to take it when you were a child, but now you don't.  An abuser can only abuse someone if they LET THEM!

[fedupgrl]

thanks.

[jo929]

maybe she needs medical help  luck  jo