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Losing All Hope (Doctor Shopping)
At this point, I am starting to lose all hope that I will be given probation. I have not heard what the official charges are yet because I have not been given the date when the grand jury will meet. For those who haven't read any of my previous posts, I was arrested about a month ago for doctor shopping for Ambien and hydrocodone. I saw a lot of doctors, so I will be facing several counts.
I have been researching other cases for the past two days. I had promised myself that I would stay off of the internet, but I have gone nuts typing away and searching everything regarding doctor shopping that one could imagine. I have seen a woman who got 5 years probation. Another got two years. A man who received three years in jail withheld five years probation which I don't understand at all. Does that mean if he completed his probation, he won't have to go to jail for three years? And needless to say, I am absolutely terrified. I am finding it hard to see how I am going to take care of my children and go to work like everything is OK when everything is so not OK.
At first, I was thinking that since I had no previous record, I would be a good candidate for probation or deferred adjudication. Now, I am imagining things I can accomplish in prison because I am pretty sure that is where I am headed. I have never so much as not paid a traffic ticket. I am a teacher, so I have always given back to my community although I think this will work against me in the end. It would make for a good news article to have the teacher locked up for doctor shopping.
I have two babies that will be one year old on Wednesday. Losing them is my biggest fear. I don't know if a judge will take into consideration how it will affect them if I go to jail. That is all I am thinking about at this point. I know I will have to find another career. I know I will most likely lost my house. I just don't want to lost my kids. They are so little. i don't want them to suffer just because their mother is an addict.
I can tell you one thing I do know: I will never ever ever ever use another drug in my entire life. I will never use again. I know that for certain. Hitting bottom has taught me that. This was my bottom. I will never tough another illegal substance. It is really sad that it took me going through this to figure it out, but I know now what drugs can do to your life. If nothing else, I hope my story reaches someone who is making the wrong choices and changes their mind. Addicts end up in prison, in institutions or dead. That is it. There is no other path when you are actively using. Know that. You must stop now, or there will be grave consequences. You won't get away with it. No one does. You may have thought that the only consequence was withdrawal. There are much larger consequences awaiting you if you continue to use. I had several chances to get sober. I thought I was never going to get caught. I had multiple chances to change my life. But I thought I had it all worked out, and now here I am facing hard time for my actions.
If anyone out there had faced what I am facing and has any advice, please comment below. Do any of you think I have a chance at getting probation, or am I doomed?
I have been researching other cases for the past two days. I had promised myself that I would stay off of the internet, but I have gone nuts typing away and searching everything regarding doctor shopping that one could imagine. I have seen a woman who got 5 years probation. Another got two years. A man who received three years in jail withheld five years probation which I don't understand at all. Does that mean if he completed his probation, he won't have to go to jail for three years? And needless to say, I am absolutely terrified. I am finding it hard to see how I am going to take care of my children and go to work like everything is OK when everything is so not OK.
At first, I was thinking that since I had no previous record, I would be a good candidate for probation or deferred adjudication. Now, I am imagining things I can accomplish in prison because I am pretty sure that is where I am headed. I have never so much as not paid a traffic ticket. I am a teacher, so I have always given back to my community although I think this will work against me in the end. It would make for a good news article to have the teacher locked up for doctor shopping.
I have two babies that will be one year old on Wednesday. Losing them is my biggest fear. I don't know if a judge will take into consideration how it will affect them if I go to jail. That is all I am thinking about at this point. I know I will have to find another career. I know I will most likely lost my house. I just don't want to lost my kids. They are so little. i don't want them to suffer just because their mother is an addict.
I can tell you one thing I do know: I will never ever ever ever use another drug in my entire life. I will never use again. I know that for certain. Hitting bottom has taught me that. This was my bottom. I will never tough another illegal substance. It is really sad that it took me going through this to figure it out, but I know now what drugs can do to your life. If nothing else, I hope my story reaches someone who is making the wrong choices and changes their mind. Addicts end up in prison, in institutions or dead. That is it. There is no other path when you are actively using. Know that. You must stop now, or there will be grave consequences. You won't get away with it. No one does. You may have thought that the only consequence was withdrawal. There are much larger consequences awaiting you if you continue to use. I had several chances to get sober. I thought I was never going to get caught. I had multiple chances to change my life. But I thought I had it all worked out, and now here I am facing hard time for my actions.
If anyone out there had faced what I am facing and has any advice, please comment below. Do any of you think I have a chance at getting probation, or am I doomed?
I know addiction is a legitimate disease, but I don't think most people are that forgiving of it. I wish that they were. I want the judge to see me for who I am, not just someone who used drugs. If not for my disease, I would have never broken the law. I believe they are going to look at my crime as "sophisticated" because I made all of the appointments, so I was thinking about getting the drugs, and I worked hard to get them. But it was really not sophisticated at all. I was a junkie needing my fix. I went in to panic mode.
I did have to bond out. My bond was $5,000. So, we paid $500 to get me out. I had my bond in hand, so I was able to check in and check out quite quickly.
Addiction IS classified as a disease. A legitimate disease. That's why the courts are pretty forgiving of these charges and like to have people in rehab, IOP therapy, doing drug screens, etc...I seriously doubt you'll go to jail. I just can't imagine it! It's already obvious you're clean and trying. This is why you have an atty; to plead your case for you. Plus, it's a first offense and you weren't selling the stuff! If you were at risk for prison time, you would have already been in jail after your arrest and a bail would have been set. They didn't put you in jail. That whole process for you was pretty anticlimactic, right?
Listen to me. You are being waaaay too hard on yourself. I'm serious. All this self hate is unnecessary! I know you're getting it from your family and THEY are the ones who are handling this so poorly.
Your husband really pisses me off! He barely works and is hardly home. I'd tell him to get the hell out! He's not helping and you're floating the whole boat! Tell him to wise up! What's he going to do? Tell your parents the same thing! This makes me hot! I'm not kidding! Those people are breaking you!
Honey, you've got nothing to lose. Tell everyone how you feel and what you need and what you don't need! Make a damn doctor's appt and stop treating yourself like a serial killer! You need the medical support and at least an exam after the IUD episode. I'm serious.
Putting myself in your shoes, I would take a FMLA. I'd take the retirement money for security. You can always put it back or earn it back because you're young. And I would tell the whole family where the "bear pooped in the buckwheat"!!! If you toughen up a little, you can do this. Just stop feeling like such a loser! You're NOT! But everyone is sure making you feel horrible to the point where you're going to be crippled by paranoia!
Above all, listen to IBK. She is very sincere in everything she's saying to you.
You'll get through this, you really will. You just need a little propping up right now.
Listen to me. You are being waaaay too hard on yourself. I'm serious. All this self hate is unnecessary! I know you're getting it from your family and THEY are the ones who are handling this so poorly.
Your husband really pisses me off! He barely works and is hardly home. I'd tell him to get the hell out! He's not helping and you're floating the whole boat! Tell him to wise up! What's he going to do? Tell your parents the same thing! This makes me hot! I'm not kidding! Those people are breaking you!
Honey, you've got nothing to lose. Tell everyone how you feel and what you need and what you don't need! Make a damn doctor's appt and stop treating yourself like a serial killer! You need the medical support and at least an exam after the IUD episode. I'm serious.
Putting myself in your shoes, I would take a FMLA. I'd take the retirement money for security. You can always put it back or earn it back because you're young. And I would tell the whole family where the "bear pooped in the buckwheat"!!! If you toughen up a little, you can do this. Just stop feeling like such a loser! You're NOT! But everyone is sure making you feel horrible to the point where you're going to be crippled by paranoia!
Above all, listen to IBK. She is very sincere in everything she's saying to you.
You'll get through this, you really will. You just need a little propping up right now.
How long did you go to jail? Were all of the charges all at once? I am willing to bet you are a very nice person, and most of those charges stemmed from your addiction. I hate that addiction is not recognized as a disease that needs to be treated. I think the government needs to stop jailing addicts and start realizing that addicts need to be rehabilitated, not jailed. Jail is the last thing that will make a difference in my life. I am behind on my bills and kind of screwed all around. I need to keep working, not out of a career. That just means I will end up being another statistic. I will have to accept assistance, and I will probably never be able to support myself again.
Breathe. You are way too ahead of yourself. You are projecting things that probably will not happen. It is your first offense. Did you read that I went to jail 4 times honey...4 times. I was charged with possession, intent to sell in a prison, selling drugs in a school zone and some 5 more charges. I WAS FACING SEVEN YEARS. You need to calm down. I will repeat myself...THIS IS YOUR FIRST OFFENSE. And as bad as it is, it is not that bad. You have a job, you have a family. ALL OF THIS WILL BE TAKEN INTO CONSIDERATION. Breathe.. Stop reading on the internet. Hug your babies and go to bed. Post tomorrow. I want to know you are okay.
I am just going to keep writing until bed time. It is OK if no one reads it or comments. But I just need to keep talking. There is an online meeting that starts at 9. I am going to do that.
So this is how my day went yesterday. I was administering the PSAT to my students when I noticed that I was in a large amount of pain. I don't know how else to say this, so here it is: I had a very sharp terrible pain in my vagina. I could not figure out what was happening, and then it dawned on me that it was my IUD, Mirena. It was partially dislodged and piercing though the wall of my vagina. I cannot tell you how badly that hurt, but I am sure you could imagine.
I was terrified. I wasn't terrified because I was hurt. I was terrified that I would have to go to a doctor. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack just thinking about going to a gynecologist. I can't go back to mine because she was one of the doctors who gave me Ambien. Even if she didn't know I had been arrested, I am sure she knows that I was filling other scripts, and she probably doesn't want me to be her patient anymore, I couldn't face that.
So I went to the bathroom and pulled it out myself. That is how desperate I was to be out of pain and not call a doctor. I could not bring myself to see a physician. Last weekend, I had the worst case of strep throat that I have ever had, and I could not go see a doctor. I would have had to face one of the many urgent care places that I have shopped at. I just cannot face that. As far as I am concerned, I do not deserve medical care at this point. It terrifies me to even think about finding a regular GP. I know I am being watched my the DPS like a hawk. I truly feel, even though I was legitimately sick, that no doctor is going to treat me because of what I have done. So, I took expired antibiotics for the strep, and I removed my own IUD. That is how terrified I am.
If I tell anyone I think I need to see a doctor, they will all freak out and think I am trying to use. I don't know when I will ever feel like I can seek medical attention for anything ever again.
If I did not have the babies, I don't think I would be alive right now. My entire world has come crashing down. They are all I have left to live for. They are everything. I will make it through this because of them. If someone takes them away from me or takes me away from them, I don't know what I will do. They are my entire world. They need me as much as I need them. They do not need their mother in prison. Please tell me that no one will take me away from them or take them away from me. Please.
So this is how my day went yesterday. I was administering the PSAT to my students when I noticed that I was in a large amount of pain. I don't know how else to say this, so here it is: I had a very sharp terrible pain in my vagina. I could not figure out what was happening, and then it dawned on me that it was my IUD, Mirena. It was partially dislodged and piercing though the wall of my vagina. I cannot tell you how badly that hurt, but I am sure you could imagine.
I was terrified. I wasn't terrified because I was hurt. I was terrified that I would have to go to a doctor. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack just thinking about going to a gynecologist. I can't go back to mine because she was one of the doctors who gave me Ambien. Even if she didn't know I had been arrested, I am sure she knows that I was filling other scripts, and she probably doesn't want me to be her patient anymore, I couldn't face that.
So I went to the bathroom and pulled it out myself. That is how desperate I was to be out of pain and not call a doctor. I could not bring myself to see a physician. Last weekend, I had the worst case of strep throat that I have ever had, and I could not go see a doctor. I would have had to face one of the many urgent care places that I have shopped at. I just cannot face that. As far as I am concerned, I do not deserve medical care at this point. It terrifies me to even think about finding a regular GP. I know I am being watched my the DPS like a hawk. I truly feel, even though I was legitimately sick, that no doctor is going to treat me because of what I have done. So, I took expired antibiotics for the strep, and I removed my own IUD. That is how terrified I am.
If I tell anyone I think I need to see a doctor, they will all freak out and think I am trying to use. I don't know when I will ever feel like I can seek medical attention for anything ever again.
If I did not have the babies, I don't think I would be alive right now. My entire world has come crashing down. They are all I have left to live for. They are everything. I will make it through this because of them. If someone takes them away from me or takes me away from them, I don't know what I will do. They are my entire world. They need me as much as I need them. They do not need their mother in prison. Please tell me that no one will take me away from them or take them away from me. Please.
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