Losing All Hope (Doctor Shopping)

[loveandlight05]

At this point, I am starting to lose all hope that I will be given probation. I have not heard what the official charges are yet because I have not been given the date when the grand jury will meet. For those who haven't read any of my previous posts, I was arrested about a month ago for doctor shopping for Ambien and hydrocodone. I saw a lot of doctors, so I will be facing several counts.

I have been researching other cases for the past two days. I had promised myself that I would stay off of the internet, but I have gone nuts typing away and searching everything regarding doctor shopping that one could imagine. I have seen a woman who got 5 years probation. Another got two years. A man who received three years in jail withheld five years probation which I don't understand at all. Does that mean if he completed his probation, he won't have to go to jail for three years? And needless to say, I am absolutely terrified. I am finding it hard to see how I am going to take care of my children and go to work like everything is OK when everything is so not OK.

At first, I was thinking that since I had no previous record, I would be a good candidate for probation or deferred adjudication. Now, I am imagining things I can accomplish in prison because I am pretty sure that is where I am headed. I have never so much as not paid a traffic ticket. I am a teacher, so I have always given back to my community although I think this will work against me in the end. It would make for a good news article to have the teacher locked up for doctor shopping.

I have two babies that will be one year old on Wednesday. Losing them is my biggest fear. I don't know if a judge will take into consideration how it will affect them if I go to jail. That is all I am thinking about at this point. I know I will have to find another career. I know I will most likely lost my house. I just don't want to lost my kids. They are so little. i don't want them to suffer just because their mother is an addict.

I can tell you one thing I do know: I will never ever ever ever use another drug in my entire life. I will never use again. I know that for certain. Hitting bottom has taught me that. This was my bottom. I will never tough another illegal substance. It is really sad that it took me going through this to figure it out, but I know now what drugs can do to your life. If nothing else, I hope my story reaches someone who is making the wrong choices and changes their mind. Addicts end up in prison, in institutions or dead. That is it. There is no other path when you are actively using. Know that. You must stop now, or there will be grave consequences. You won't get away with it. No one does. You may have thought that the only consequence was withdrawal. There are much larger consequences awaiting you if you continue to use. I had several chances to get sober. I thought I was never going to get caught. I had multiple chances to change my life. But I thought I had it all worked out, and now here I am facing hard  time for my actions.

If anyone out there had faced what I am facing and has any advice, please comment below. Do any of you think I have a chance at getting probation, or am I doomed?

[vicki595]

One more thing: You WILL get through this...it WILL pass. So far, you're doing great!  There are so many who would crash and burn under the strain of it all but you're holding on...Be proud of yourself for that and for your clean time!

[vicki595]

I can just feel your frustration. You're surrounded by all these people but no one is supporting you. You're being squeezed so tightly you're about to explode!  I know your parents hired a lawyer for you and that's a huge help but you need some support, too. I'm disappointed for you.

Do they realize what you're feeling? I'm worried about you, too. Very soon you're just going to go off on everyone...a person can only take so much...

I don't get the lack of support and attention. You need it, you didn't kill anyone and, you're right, millions of people do the exact same thing you did every day!

Is it possible for you to go on FMLA? I'm afraid if you don't get some time for yourself to help heal yourself you'll just implode.  In the meantime, is it possible to get your family and husband together and explain how you're feeling? Like an intervention for them?  You need them because the day is coming when they're going to be left out of your life because you're so angry! It can happen. You'll fight to get better and shut the door on THEM because they're making this an impossible situation for you.

There may be more to this that I can't see but this is what I'm seeing now. It's like you're totally alone and if you didn't have us here I don't know HOW you would cope.  Do you have a close gf you can reach out to?  You need a buddy...

[loveandlight05]

I had classes to teach. I post on my conference time and in between classes. Frankly, I have been to ever online NA meeting I could find. It is not the same as the actual in person meeting I have been to. I just want to have some time to start going regularly. If you have ever been in my position (in trouble with the law, have one year old twins, losing your husband, and newly clean), then you will understand that there is very little I can do about sinking. Yes, of course I am sinking. Who in their right mind would not be? I have never dealt with anything of this magnitude. Never. And to boot, I am dealing with it newly sober. I know that you are just trying to help. I get it. Thank you for that. But what I need right now is a real, live person to listen to me and actually talk back. Not over the computer. In person. I need a counselor or therapist or group to be able to have a conversation with. To tell me it will be OK and that I am doing the right things now, and that matters. When others posted above, they told me that it would be OK. That helped more than you could imagine. Just reading those words. This is probably the hardest thing I will ever go through including losing my parents.

[IBKleen]

Why is it the very minute I offer you a viable alternative you stop posting. Where did you go? Did you get my message?

Yes, I am being hard on you because I see someone who is struggling and who does not understand how far she is sinking. It's like I have my hand out and you holding it and boom..you let go. I will not give up on you..don't you give up on you. Please go to your messages and follow the link. There is help for you. There is hope for you.

[IBKleen]

I am sending you a pm. Check your messages..

[IBKleen]

My heart breaks for you honey. You are spiraling out of control and not in a good direction. You are in survival mode and never is not a good thing under your conditions. I am scared for you. I want to look a few things up and I will get back to you. In the meantime, do your self a favor. Start a new post on the Addiction substance Abuse side. Make the title about something pertaining to addiction. Use it to talk about your emotions, about recovery, etc. Don't talk about your court case there..it gets confusing and it is hard to follow. Leave all the court case stuff here. OK? I would like to see you over there. Hang in there. I have some ideas.