My Theme Song

[suz410]

The lyrics to this song really touches me and maybe some of  you out there.  Take a minute and read them.
Sober by Pink

I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don't wanna be that call at 4 o'clock in the morning
'Cos I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

The sun is blinding
I stayed up again
I am finding
That's not the way I want my story to end

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like protection
How do I feel this good sober?

I don't wanna be the girl who has to fill the silence
Crying scares me cause it screams the truth
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
I won't remember, save your breath, 'cos what's the use?

The night is calling?
And it whispers to me softly come and play
I am falling
And If I let myself go I'm the only one to blame

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
How do I feel this good sober?

I'm coming down, coming down, coming down
Spinning 'round, spinning 'round, spinning 'round
Looking for myself
Sober

When it's good, then it's good, it's so good till it goes bad
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry, never again
Broken down in agony just tryna find a fit

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
How do I feel this good sober

No pain
Inside
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
How do I feel this good sober?

Will I ever feel this good sober?
Tell me, no no no no no pain
How do i feel this good sober?

[moonshyne777]

As you know Ive decided to get away from the pills altogether. Having my brother hold them would be ok if I wasnt already so addicted to them. Having him hold them will just prolong the misery. The shots do help and I am hoping I can get by with that. I also hear you on the stress being a major trigger. Im also going to look into counselling to cope with stress better. I can relate to you so much its unbelievable!! We can help each other through it and I think as we get more time in it will be easier to resist the urges. I went ct back in June and did not get any aftercare or counselling. If I had it might have made a big difference in me staying clean. This time around I need to do things differently. I know all about the shame. Its the reason why I kept my secret for so long. As it is only my husband, grandmother and brothers know and its only recently that I have told anyone. I havent told my dad or anyone else. I dont know if I will because I dont want to be judged. The people who know will be there to support me and I dont see the benefit in telling anyone else, right now anyways. Im here for you and we will beat this!!

[suz410]

Perhaps having your brother hold onto them and only give them to u as needed would be fine.  I wish I could do that, except I'm ashamed and haven't told anyone.  If it eases your pain and you're not abusing them, then why not.  However, if the shots are working, then maybe that's your answer.  You need to weigh your options and see which you can live with mentally and physically.

[suz410]

Yeah, being a mommy is tough.  I didn't know I was having twins (they're identical, so that's spontaneous) and then when the twins were 10 mos. I accidentally got pregnant.  I suffered severe PPD and am thankfully on meds now which help tremendously.  I was put on percs for pain after my 2nd c-section cause I had so much scar tissue and wasn't healing well, in addition to a bad lower back, sciatica due to the pressure of the twin and second pregnancies.  ANyway, I started out the same way and here I am, no different from any addict out there...no better, no worse...just human.  I work and my kids are in daycare so they're perpetually sick and this causes me huge anxiety, always anticipating the next time they'll be sick, but all I needed was a few pills and everything was "better," or so I thought.  I'm seeing clearer now.  The cloud is lifting and I think I'm actually going to be okay.  I think I need to see a therapist to learn how to cope w/ the stresses of being a mom though.  That was definintely my main trigger.  I hope I don't cave on a hectic day.  I pray for the strength inside of me to prevail.  I will pray for you too.  xoxoxo
Sue

[moonshyne777]

I also have 2 little ones, a 2 year old daughter and 1 year old son. I also have spinal stenosis and in the beginning the pills helped with the pain but I ended up doing more and more and here I am. I did go ct last June but was foolish enough to think I could go back and take them as prescribed. That worked for a bit but of course I ended up doing way more then I needed to. I had planned on detoxing again and this time having my brother hold my medication and give them to me as prescribed but Im having second thoughts. Maybe I need to never take another opiate again and try and find something else to help the pain. I did cortisone shots recently and it helped quite a bit so maybe I could get by on that. It *****, on one hand I really do need pain relief but on the other - I'm an addict plain and simple. Its a ****** catch 22. Congrats on 4 days!! Thats awesome! I am a stay at home mom and know all about the chaos, lol.

[suz410]

Ha!  This has been in my head since February of last year.  I always knew the party would be over, I just wasn't ready.  I'm going on 4 days clean today and I feel great!  I'm listening to the Bush song right now....awesome.  Always loved them actually.  SOng has a lot more meaning now that I'm an admitted addicted.  Was always in denial of course.  

One thing I did yesterday that I'm proud of was instead of taking my 4 oxycodone before picking up my 3 kids yesterday, I exercised (wii fit) for 20 minutes and tried to pump myself up mentally for the chaoticness.  I did think to myself, during my adventure w/ 4 kids (3 yr. old twins and 2 2 year olds...one is mine, the other my sister's) that having those pills would make this experience so much easier, but that's been my problem---not facing them.  Of course my mom was there to help, but it was still super hard.  Anyway, I'm rambling.  I'm gonna add u as a friend.  Take care.  Have a good rest of the day!!!!
Sue

[moonshyne777]

OMG, I was just going to respond and say that song!!!!! I swear to God! Last time I detoxed I listened to it over and over. Its a very fitting song for an oxy addict isn't it? I can't believe my eyes. Of all the songs you picked the exact same one I would have. Yep, that song rocks.
And the party is over isn't it? For me it stopped being fun long ago. No high anymore, just need them to be "normal". When its good, its so good - til it goes bad. And I have heard myself cry "never again!" Wow, I'm sitting here pretty stunned. We both have the same theme song, hope you dont mind sharing it. lol.

Another one I like is Little Things by Bush. But not as much as Sober by Pink. ;)