Is there documented evedence that mental abuse is related to substance abuse?

[lonleylibra]

I am wondering if there is evidence that verbal/mental abuse is related to substance abuse? During my recovery I have been doing alot of soul searching. Now that the fog is clearing from my brain I'm beginning to remember things that have happened in my childhood. This has been haunting me for the past weeek.

I will try to make this short. I am the oldest of three children, I had two younger brothers. My mother was/is a very bitter nastey person. In my early teens I remember her telling me how I would never amount to anything. She would tell me how I disgraced and discussed her. Words such as disappointed, repulsed and worthless were used on almost a daily basis. This never seem to effect my brothers as much as it did to me.

I would run away from home alot. I got kicked out of school several times for being drunk or high. We (my brothers and I) got beaten alot, with belts, brooms and even one time with a vaccumme cleaner. Both of my parents were alcoholics and feed thier anger off of each other. I had my first daughter at 18 and married her abusive father (a nightmare of a story that I will not get into). After I divorced him, I put my self through college and got a nursing degree. My two brothers became alcoholics and could never keep a job or have relationships with people. Five years ago my youngest brother commited suicide by jumping in front of a train. A year later my other brother drank himself to death, he was 35 years old.

Sorry for rambing but I am going to confront my mother today to ask her why she said such damaging words. I would like to know if anyone else can link childhood abuse to substance abuse. Or am I just using this as an excuse.

[starfish1963]

This is how I try and look at it.  Who are parents are is Gods doing, He doesn't make mistakes WE do.  When we forgive, we set ourselves free.  I am a very strong believer you can't live in the past, it robs you of a future :)
God Bless :)

[katarina777]

And you need to talk. I think that is really important. The internet is a great place to talk and sometimes better than face to face, or with someone you know. Find a couple of people to talk with, who are able and willing to listen, and who 'get it'. I think it's really important to get it out, even more than once. My only worry is becoming hooked on a counselor, or something. it's the last thing you need, and I have received more help from people who are wise and not therapists than those who are. Plus, it's hard to wait for a week and a certain time. You are likely to get really anxious in-between appointments, and you should be able to talk whenever you need to and not on schedule. the truth is that the more you talk the more you will want to talk and the more comes up, and a trained counselor is not always the best idea. (not always unless you find the right one.) but so many are not that good.

So, don't apologize. There is also an abuse forum on this site that is very good.
There is no professional but the people there are really quite good and helpful and they listen.

[lonleylibra]

Hey Katarina,
I think you hit the nail on the head! These feelings don't belong to me/use, they belong to the abuser. I am just realy sensitive and all of a sudden this is bothering the heck out of me. I just have to learn to move forward and put this behind me.
Thank you

[katarina777]

Maybe this will help, because it really helped me. "Why did I/we get treated so badly?" One of the biggest reasons for this is similar to an 'Import/Export' business.  What happens is that the parent is already screwed up before you were born, most of the time, of course. Your parent has her own issues that have nothing to do with you. She does not want to have these bad feelings and she denies them, in order to make them go away. Then, when you come along, those 'forbidden', or 'unwanted' feelings are projected/exported onto you, the kid. And, as kids are prone to do as they don't know any better, and they need their parents, they import those feelings, and they also believe those bad feelings belong to them, just like the mother does. because the kid needs her parents, she will side with them, and turn her back on herself. The mother benefits in this way. (although i do believe that deep down, all mothers know when they are not getting it right, ot wrong) but this import/export buisiness is really destructive, and much more difficult to figure out than obvious abuse. at least then you know who your enemy is. but with parents who are not just abusers, like most of them, you don't just have one parent, you have different sides of parents and that makes it all the more difficult.  You don't know that the anger, for example does not really belong to you, but that it belongs to your mother or your father. (usually, different feelings are exported to, and then imported, by different siblings)

My point is that many of your issues and feelings really do not belong to you. they belong to your parents, and the reason they treat you as badly as they do is because of them and not because of you.

But there is so much more than just being treated badly. Like, someone said her parents wanted a boy and not a girl. she was not welcomed into this world as she should have been, and something like this is a serious injury already by itself. You don't have to be beaten.

Last, I myself believe that abuse is a symptom of neglect, and that it is the neglect that hurts us most, and also most leads to an addiction. sometimes, kids even behave badly just to get attention, and because they cannot survive without it.

Anyway, just a few thoughts.

[avisg]

I think a lot of us have had some major type of trauma using meds numbs the pain .However please try to deal with your feelings and move on with life . Bitterness and anger will eat away at you  like a disease .  I blamed my family for a lot of things the best thing I ever did for myself was to take responabitly for all of the good and the bad from that point in my life. It gave me some piece. I hope you find some piece as well .We all deserve it.

[lonleylibra]

Sadley I am not the only one who has suffered. Sarah, our mothers sound the same.What I dont get is why all of a sudden this is realy bothering me? It's just another chapter in my life that I have to close.

[NautyOne]

I absolutely believe it is related....

Nauty.........

[starfish1963]

If I listened to all the people who told me I couldn't do anything or would amount to anything I never would have made it this far.  
I dislike drama and negative people.  Lifes too short enjoy the simple things and it does get better.
The whole world can walk out on me and I know that I am never forgotten by my Heavenly Father through my Faith in Christ.  

[catmagnet]

Yep, basically the same thing for me. I always felt belittled in my family and was ALWAYS the black sheep..BAA...BAA...I ran away at 14 when the problems really kicked in, it took YEARS to speak to my parents(I left home at 17), after my last "jail time " in the nuthouse, I though we had a pretty good relationship until recently, until my mother started in again. Too bad my dad doesn't stand up for himself. He just gets dragged into whatever drama she creates. And sarah, I haven't mailed that card, tomorrow is his birthday, should I just buy one and sneak it in between thier front door or just forget it??

[dominosarah]

I found great joy in a bottle and drugs.  They made me feel good as i was also told what a pile of sh!t i was by my mother.  She still tells me that now and all i feel is pity for her.  She would pick up whatever she had in her hands and hit me with it.  The vacuum cleaner wasnt one of them cuz i dont think she knew where it was.  It was my fault i was born, my fault my dad drank, my fault she drank, my fault i wasnt a boy, guess that would of made my dad happy.  She hated my dad, she hated me but i think she actually hates herself.  So my point?  Yes i think the 2 are related.  Sorry to go off on this post.  Am glad you are getting some help and the fog is lifting.  I am sorry about your brothers also.  That must be hard.  I wish you peace and comfort after confronting your mother.   sara

[alienshadow]

no problem thats why we are here