Trust Broken

[PariahsEmpathy]

I have been married eighteen years.  Last summer, right after my mums suicide, my husband disclosed to me that he had been having an affair.  They met at the hospital in which he works.  She was nineteen when they initially met, and an emotional affair began.  When she turned twenty, that is when their relationship became physical.

This has had a huge impact on my self-esteem.  I have always worshiped the fact of my womanhood, my curves, and my unique beauty.  I have always loved my curls, and my eyebrows.  Now when I look in the mirror...I see things I would love to change.

And my trust! (rolling eyes)  I try, do I ever.  But...to no avail, I still question.  I love him as a person.  He is a kind man.  He is a wonderful father.  He has given me more than I ever thought I deserved.  I am just now questioning myself if I love him as a partner.  At this very moment, I would have to say no.  

I know nobody can tell me what to do, I just need for someone to relate with me.  

One-Love,
Kimyrha

P.S.  See what 96 plus hours of continual soul searching does for the already broken soul.

[Beccabeccalynn]

I agree with what everyone said about the affair not being about you. I don't think that it is in anyway your fault because you used. Your responsible for your use and he is responsible for his actions. I want to ask questions like when did he tell you while it was still going on or after it was over? I have gone through the cheating thing and not that long ago I am still struggling with it. In my case however I believe he will do it again and that he lies and pats himself on the back when he gets away with it. A power and control thing if you will. I was so pissed because I think of how many times he left me and went to her or vice versa and I had no clue every question I had was somehow turned around on me to make me look petty or dumb for wondering. I felt that he totally clowned me and I hated that the most I think. Talk about you cake and eat it to. I am not trying to say this is what he is doing , how would I know. But I will say that wondering is a drain and cause of anxiety. So find out. That's what I would do hire a PI. Better to know I say even if it's ugly. Working on you has got to be your first priority and staying healthy and safe. I am sure that others will disagree as my experiance has tainted me. So I say trust but verify. Good luck in what ever you do. I am sure you will make the right decision for yourself. One last thing YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL noone can take that from you. Becca

[dominosarah]

You will forgive when you are ready.  Forgiving doesnt mean letting the other person off the hook either.  Letting go is a better term for it i think.  Letting others get a glimpse of our soul is very scary as it makes us vulnerable but opening up allows us the true healing~~~~sara

[PariahsEmpathy]

Yes, he mentioned that it had nothing to do with me, or our marriage.  There was a certain aura she possessed, that validated who he had become.  I get it, do I ever.

I am just not yet ready to forgive.  Perhaps it is selfish of me.  I just can not shake the fact that I was betrayed.  However, I would be a liar if I were to sit here and say that I have never betrayed him, for I have had eight years of having an affair with my DOC without his knowledge.  

(sigh)

Love & Sarah,

Yes, I actually had been seeing an alternative therapist over this year.  However, I had a hard time disclosing my life.  I was open to her teachings, yet I was not open to letting her get a glimpse into my soul.  

So here I am, on an online forum...The therapy of the 21st Century!

[dominosarah]

pillfree is right.....Usually an affair doesnt have anything to do with the other person, it is the personal issues of the one who is cheating.  I was the cheater years back.  I had such low self esteem and this was one way i found that moment of "satisfaction".  I am in no way excusing the actions of myself or your husband.  Your feelings are real and justified.  Please get some sort of help.  Talk with a counselor.  You dont have to continue to live like this.   Be good to yourself~~~~sara

[loveJwhite]

Have yo two been to a therapist or anything? I'm very sorry, I know that must be a hard thing to come to terms with.

[pillfree21]

If it helps any....I have been married for 11 years to a beautiful woman who is the mother of two of my children.  We were in a very content marriage and I had an affair with a young intern on the job and it nearly tore her in pieces.  I realized how much I hurt her and how much I risked losing my family and have never even considering cheating again...that was 3 years ago.

I can not tell you what to do, but I hope sharing my experience may help. I did not cheat because I did not love her, I could not get her to see that, but it really did not have much to do with her, as hard as that may seem to believe.  You may be taking it too much as personal attack against your beauty and self-worth.  I know it hurts, but forgiveness is the only way to give it a chance and find out.  Otherwise, your feelings will create a bad vibe that will eventually ruin the relationship anyhow.  Good Luck

[PariahsEmpathy]

Dear Sarah,

He claims he is not.  She has since been let go from her position at the hospital as well.  

I never had a reason not to trust him until I found out that he was involved with another woman.  Now, with every random call I get that is a "wrong number", I wonder if it is her.  Every time he is late, or can not make it home as planned, I can not help but wonder if he is with her, or perhaps another woman.  

I am wanting to be as rational about this as possible, and I do know I am more vulnerable now than ever.

[dominosarah]

Is he still having the affair?