Aa
This is interesting. Did your partner know about your drug abuse ?
Were we kidding ourselves......did they really know something was up ?.......and if not ....why didn't they notice ?
This is from a political article, but I'm not posting it for it's political matter. I just thought it was interesting on the addiction aspect.
John McCain claims not to have known of his wife's drug addiction, even at a time when she was supporting her habit by stealing drugs from a charity organization. If that's true--if he actually didn't know about his wife's addiction--he demonstrates a lack of awareness that is panoramic. How do you fail to notice that your partner is stoned for months at a time? In John McCain's case, there's a simple answer and a more complex one. The simple answer is that he is a fellow-addict, known for his deep affection for the gambling table, as well as ties to the gambling industry. His addiction is the adrenalin-charged game of craps, a passion that is rumored to have cost him money and rifts in his marriage (Cindy being the one with the deep pockets who always had to bail him out.) When two addicts are married, they make an unconscious contract between them: If you agree not to confront me on my addiction, I'll agree not to confront you on yours.
There's a deeper answer, though, to the question of how partners gradually become oblivious to the painfully obvious. It speaks to something every conscious couple needs to know. A few years ago a car passed us with a bumper sticker that had an intriguing question written on it, "What are you pretending not to know?" It's a question that all of us should ask of ourselves on a regular basis. It takes a heroic act of unconsciousness not to notice so profound a thing as drug addiction in one's partner. In our work with couples in devitalized marriages, however, we've found that we humans are highly skilled at sealing out awareness of deep unhappiness from within ourselves. Because we get so skilled at blocking the flow of awareness inside ourselves, we also get good at averting our eyes from the obvious signs of distress in our partners. Eventually, if we continue to look away from our own inner distress and the outer signs of distress in our partners, we gradually dam the flow of intimate contact with our partners as well as ourselves. Without the lifeblood hum of genuine intimacy, the relationship becomes a devitalized shell characterized by perfunctory hugs and chilly smiles in public, and much worse behind closed doors. Any experienced relationship therapist is familiar with the devitalized marriage; we've probably worked with more than 500 such relationships over the past 30 years. In order to be successful in re-vitalizing these relationships, it's essential to help them straighten out a terrible misunderstanding about what love is.
The misunderstanding is caused by a false belief about love. It's the twisted notion that loving someone means that you'll lie for him or her. This destructive idea is so widely held that it's considered a virtue by some. Here's a memorable quote from a relationship coaching session we did some years ago:
"Honey, don't you get it? I didn't tell you about my affair because I was trying to protect you! If I lied, it was because I love you and didn't want you to feel bad."
(Note for the record: the mate's anger was not soothed at hearing that her husband's lies about the affair were, in his view, an altruistic act. Her view was that his lying was a cowardly act to protect himself from getting caught.)
That's one version of the issue; another is when one partner gets the other to lie on his or her behalf. Every day, for example, many partners of alcoholics call their partners' bosses to spin a lie that covers the addict. "Jane has a cold and can't come in today," says Jane's partner to the boss. The truth is that Jane is too hung over to come in, but many bosses are less sympathetic to this excuse.
There are three major factors that determine the health of any relationship: Authenticity, responsibility and appreciation. The following discoveries apply to relationships at home, at work, and in the world at large:
•A relationship thrives only when people speak honestly to each other about the significant matters in the relationship.
•A relationship thrives only when people take responsibility, instead of blaming each other, for the issues that arise in the relationship.
•A relationship thrives only when people express abundant appreciation for each other.
The McCains earned the chilly distance in their relationship by a long history of ignoring these three simple rules of relationship. We as Americans must not ignore the impact of these rules on how we interact with our politicians. We think it's time to demand that our politicians observe the rules of healthy relationships.
For example, wouldn't it be great to hear politicians take responsibility, rather than blame their opponents, for problems? We'd love to hear John McCain say to us all, "My friends, I take responsibility for my part in the economic mess we're in. After all, I was one of the Keating Five! I helped Charles Keating pull off one of the biggest financial scams of all time. That scam cost the U.S. taxpayers billions, a heck of a lot more than all those airplanes I crashed. I urge my fellow Republicans to re-direct all the energy they spending in blaming Democrats to taking full responsibility for fixing this mess. I pledge to stop blaming and start focusing on positive solutions."
Wouldn't it have been great if Bill Clinton had handled the Lewinsky affair differently? When first questioned, he could just as easily have said, "Yes, I did indeed have sex with 'that woman'. I've been scared to tell my wife about it, because I don't want to face her anger and disappointment. I appreciate your bringing this issue up, because now it forces me to deal with it."
Wouldn't it have been better for the health of the country if Nixon had handled Watergate differently? We could have all learned something useful if he'd said, "Yes, some guys who work for me burglarized the DNC offices. It was without doubt the dumbest thing I've ever been part of in my life, and that, my friends, is saying something. I'm glad we got caught, because I'm using this situation to look into myself deeply. What I see there is a sleazy streak inside me that I've never wanted to confront before now. Since you elected me, you may want to look inside yourself and see if you have one of those sleazy streaks in you. If we all do that, maybe we can learn something from my act of stupidity."
We've seen real magic happen when those three rules of relationship are applied, both in our own lives and the lives of people with whom we've worked. We feel strongly that it's time to apply them to the world of politics. We launched a petition on that subject this year, a drive for authenticity in politics that thousands of people have signed.
(More detail on the initiative here: http://www.hendricks.com/conscious_initiative/)
If enough of us demand authenticity, responsibility and appreciation from our political leaders, maybe they'll stop clogging the airwaves and our national consciousness with lies and blame. The McCain campaign is the first one in our lifetimes to be based entirely on blame and fear. If enough of us mobilize, perhaps it will be the last.
This is from a political article, but I'm not posting it for it's political matter. I just thought it was interesting on the addiction aspect.
John McCain claims not to have known of his wife's drug addiction, even at a time when she was supporting her habit by stealing drugs from a charity organization. If that's true--if he actually didn't know about his wife's addiction--he demonstrates a lack of awareness that is panoramic. How do you fail to notice that your partner is stoned for months at a time? In John McCain's case, there's a simple answer and a more complex one. The simple answer is that he is a fellow-addict, known for his deep affection for the gambling table, as well as ties to the gambling industry. His addiction is the adrenalin-charged game of craps, a passion that is rumored to have cost him money and rifts in his marriage (Cindy being the one with the deep pockets who always had to bail him out.) When two addicts are married, they make an unconscious contract between them: If you agree not to confront me on my addiction, I'll agree not to confront you on yours.
There's a deeper answer, though, to the question of how partners gradually become oblivious to the painfully obvious. It speaks to something every conscious couple needs to know. A few years ago a car passed us with a bumper sticker that had an intriguing question written on it, "What are you pretending not to know?" It's a question that all of us should ask of ourselves on a regular basis. It takes a heroic act of unconsciousness not to notice so profound a thing as drug addiction in one's partner. In our work with couples in devitalized marriages, however, we've found that we humans are highly skilled at sealing out awareness of deep unhappiness from within ourselves. Because we get so skilled at blocking the flow of awareness inside ourselves, we also get good at averting our eyes from the obvious signs of distress in our partners. Eventually, if we continue to look away from our own inner distress and the outer signs of distress in our partners, we gradually dam the flow of intimate contact with our partners as well as ourselves. Without the lifeblood hum of genuine intimacy, the relationship becomes a devitalized shell characterized by perfunctory hugs and chilly smiles in public, and much worse behind closed doors. Any experienced relationship therapist is familiar with the devitalized marriage; we've probably worked with more than 500 such relationships over the past 30 years. In order to be successful in re-vitalizing these relationships, it's essential to help them straighten out a terrible misunderstanding about what love is.
The misunderstanding is caused by a false belief about love. It's the twisted notion that loving someone means that you'll lie for him or her. This destructive idea is so widely held that it's considered a virtue by some. Here's a memorable quote from a relationship coaching session we did some years ago:
"Honey, don't you get it? I didn't tell you about my affair because I was trying to protect you! If I lied, it was because I love you and didn't want you to feel bad."
(Note for the record: the mate's anger was not soothed at hearing that her husband's lies about the affair were, in his view, an altruistic act. Her view was that his lying was a cowardly act to protect himself from getting caught.)
That's one version of the issue; another is when one partner gets the other to lie on his or her behalf. Every day, for example, many partners of alcoholics call their partners' bosses to spin a lie that covers the addict. "Jane has a cold and can't come in today," says Jane's partner to the boss. The truth is that Jane is too hung over to come in, but many bosses are less sympathetic to this excuse.
There are three major factors that determine the health of any relationship: Authenticity, responsibility and appreciation. The following discoveries apply to relationships at home, at work, and in the world at large:
•A relationship thrives only when people speak honestly to each other about the significant matters in the relationship.
•A relationship thrives only when people take responsibility, instead of blaming each other, for the issues that arise in the relationship.
•A relationship thrives only when people express abundant appreciation for each other.
The McCains earned the chilly distance in their relationship by a long history of ignoring these three simple rules of relationship. We as Americans must not ignore the impact of these rules on how we interact with our politicians. We think it's time to demand that our politicians observe the rules of healthy relationships.
For example, wouldn't it be great to hear politicians take responsibility, rather than blame their opponents, for problems? We'd love to hear John McCain say to us all, "My friends, I take responsibility for my part in the economic mess we're in. After all, I was one of the Keating Five! I helped Charles Keating pull off one of the biggest financial scams of all time. That scam cost the U.S. taxpayers billions, a heck of a lot more than all those airplanes I crashed. I urge my fellow Republicans to re-direct all the energy they spending in blaming Democrats to taking full responsibility for fixing this mess. I pledge to stop blaming and start focusing on positive solutions."
Wouldn't it have been great if Bill Clinton had handled the Lewinsky affair differently? When first questioned, he could just as easily have said, "Yes, I did indeed have sex with 'that woman'. I've been scared to tell my wife about it, because I don't want to face her anger and disappointment. I appreciate your bringing this issue up, because now it forces me to deal with it."
Wouldn't it have been better for the health of the country if Nixon had handled Watergate differently? We could have all learned something useful if he'd said, "Yes, some guys who work for me burglarized the DNC offices. It was without doubt the dumbest thing I've ever been part of in my life, and that, my friends, is saying something. I'm glad we got caught, because I'm using this situation to look into myself deeply. What I see there is a sleazy streak inside me that I've never wanted to confront before now. Since you elected me, you may want to look inside yourself and see if you have one of those sleazy streaks in you. If we all do that, maybe we can learn something from my act of stupidity."
We've seen real magic happen when those three rules of relationship are applied, both in our own lives and the lives of people with whom we've worked. We feel strongly that it's time to apply them to the world of politics. We launched a petition on that subject this year, a drive for authenticity in politics that thousands of people have signed.
(More detail on the initiative here: http://www.hendricks.com/conscious_initiative/)
If enough of us demand authenticity, responsibility and appreciation from our political leaders, maybe they'll stop clogging the airwaves and our national consciousness with lies and blame. The McCain campaign is the first one in our lifetimes to be based entirely on blame and fear. If enough of us mobilize, perhaps it will be the last.
Oh I forgot to say that .........I know this article was part of some propaganda against McCain. I don't take this kind of smear seriously. I just got to thinking about the addiction part. After all , I love to gamble myself and am on the addiction forum for a reason (glass house thing). lol
This kind of smear comes from both sides. I have a built in "smear sifter" in my brain. lol
Although I haven't hear too much of this kind of stuff come out of Obama's mouth. This stuff gets spread around from both parties.
This kind of smear comes from both sides. I have a built in "smear sifter" in my brain. lol
Although I haven't hear too much of this kind of stuff come out of Obama's mouth. This stuff gets spread around from both parties.
I guess I am still figuring out if I have an addiction problem or just dependant for pain relief. I can and have stopped taking vics for weeks or months with only what I consider minor withdraw, but an increase in pain. I have managed to only take three vics per day, on average, for many years.
So with that said, my wife can notice a difference in my personality, if I do take too many in a day for a few days. She also knows when I am in pain and not taking what I need.
So with that said, my wife can notice a difference in my personality, if I do take too many in a day for a few days. She also knows when I am in pain and not taking what I need.
I was already divorced when my addiction started. I was sure everyone knew something was up.
Did anyone feel like their personality changed ? I know mine did. I was either really up or really cranky(when I started coming down and needed to talk more pills). I never laughed when I was on the pills either. Someone had to notice that ......I used to be such a happy person. I think if I was still married at the time ......my husband would have picked up on something. He probably would have blamed it on menopause or something.
Did anyone feel like their personality changed ? I know mine did. I was either really up or really cranky(when I started coming down and needed to talk more pills). I never laughed when I was on the pills either. Someone had to notice that ......I used to be such a happy person. I think if I was still married at the time ......my husband would have picked up on something. He probably would have blamed it on menopause or something.
My partner was very anti-medication, so I kept it hidden from him very well.
None of my family or friends knew either.
It was my dark dirty secret........shhhhhhhhhhhh!....Don't tell anyone, & it'll just go away. Yeah uh huh.
None of my family or friends knew either.
It was my dark dirty secret........shhhhhhhhhhhh!....Don't tell anyone, & it'll just go away. Yeah uh huh.
Hi bubbles
That is my story over 30 yrs. ago with Heroin the only way I could stop was cut off all ties with BF Hard to do but I think it saved my life...
That is my story over 30 yrs. ago with Heroin the only way I could stop was cut off all ties with BF Hard to do but I think it saved my life...
My husband knew and contributed to it. It was up to one of us to file for divorce, he ended up beating me to the punch, we divorced for other reasons than pill addiction, but I was quitting the pills, he didn't want to quit nor did he support me, it was a codependent thing going on with us as far as the pills went. I tried unsuccessfully in the last 3 years to stop using, but him using made it extremly hard, esp. when he'd push me and beg me to use with him. Had he not pushed and begged me, I probably would be pill free for 3+ years, but once I hit a 30 day mark back then, his use would set me over edge and I'd use.
He still uses and if I was going to continued to be married to him, he needed to quit too and at that time, he was not ready to make that decision.
He still uses and if I was going to continued to be married to him, he needed to quit too and at that time, he was not ready to make that decision.
My husband knew. I did not hide anything from him.
This is a thought provoking post - even if I do disagree with the content of what you're trying to say, Mary. I do respect your point of view.
This is a thought provoking post - even if I do disagree with the content of what you're trying to say, Mary. I do respect your point of view.
I can go all of the way back to when I was a teenager using different substances my parents never new anything and when I got older an told them they were in shocked
After watching CBS news last night and reading this thread, the light bulb went on. Last night both canidates were asked if they had ever fired someone and when, McCain said yes and said it was during the campain. Obama also said it was during the campain, but said he had them fired. While I don't like negetive politics at all, McCain has been doing his own dirty work, while from the Obama side we see things like this.
McCain has a lot to answer for, but so does Obama. However, the media is all over McCain while Obama mearly handwaves anything he doesn't like off and the media gives him a pass.
Who will be a better President, I guess time will tell, I will support whichever one wins and will be one to hold their feet to the fire. I think we all should, even if it is the one we like, and if the other one wins then we should not complain anymore than we would have for "our guy"
McCain has a lot to answer for, but so does Obama. However, the media is all over McCain while Obama mearly handwaves anything he doesn't like off and the media gives him a pass.
Who will be a better President, I guess time will tell, I will support whichever one wins and will be one to hold their feet to the fire. I think we all should, even if it is the one we like, and if the other one wins then we should not complain anymore than we would have for "our guy"
My husband is a Dr. and he never, ever noticed that I was taking huge amounts of Vicodin 7.75 and Norco 10/350. He was shocked when I told on myself. So, I don't agree at all....it can be easily hidden.
my husband knew. i didnt hide it from him...took the pills in front of him...he hated it.
My family had no clue until I told my Husband, who by the way does not understand why I cannot just take one.. Wish I knew why he can and I can't Son Hubby and I had a discussion about it last night I came out the loser :)
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