Day 15...Amazing!!

[hopeless]

Hi guys, Just wanted to check in!! Miss you all so much, just been going through so much here and trying my hardest to get my life back. I am 15 days CLEAN as of today, i can't believe it!! I had to take all last week off of work, cause i was hurtin pretty bad. Today isn't to bad, still feel kinda weak and not much energy, but i am making myself do this. I will NEVER and i mean NEVER go back to the pills again. I am so sick and tired of putting myself through this time and time again. Don't get me wrong, i am craving like crazy and there are times i wish i had just one more, but then i stop and ask myself..."How many times do you want to continue to do this to yourself"?? I know i can't do this to me anymore. I also made a promise to my dad, who has just passed away on Christmas day, that i am done! He had no idea i took pills, but now i know he knows now that he can see me. He might be disappointed in me, but i also feel that he would be very proud of me for quitting and sticking with it. Still a little foggy here, and like i said feeling weak, but i am going to make it this time. Just can't wait to feel that "normal" feeling again, you know, the girl i used to be, before pills...Just wonder if and when that will come? I know i used to be a happy girl 4 years ago, i used to be able to go out and laugh and have fun, without pills. Will i become her again? God, i hope so and i hope it is soon. My hubby, oh my poor hubby. He is trying to see me through this and he has been so supportive, but i have been so mean to him hardly talking to him, heck haven't even slept in the same bed as him in over 2 weeks. This is so unfair to my family...ARGH!! I have been there for my mom since my dad has died though, cause she is so deeply depressed, so i have been trying my hardest to be there for her. We sit and cry alot together. This depression thing sucks! Oh well, thanks for listening guys!
Shelby, Ionote, Deb, Tim, R2R, Tzt all of my wonderful friends if you are lurking please give me a yell...Miss you all alot!!

Love, Hope

[one_eagle]

cONGRATULATIONS AGAIN- You chose the wrong name when you logged on...now that you know the ins and outs dont waste the knowledge. Lots of people out there give up so cloooose - maybe even several times (Me!)

[GoingToMakeIt]

I am so very proud of you. I never had a doubt in my mind that you could and would make it. You deserve this life of living clean. I hope that in it, you find the fullness and happiness you desire and deserve. There is something very special about you. I am happy for you. Thanks for posting of your progress.

[lonote]

Are you around?
     Cathy

[hopeless]

Hi guys,

Just got home from work, and wanted to check in...So nice to see you all...Today is 17 days clean, feeling a little more normal today. I am sticking with it...This is a promise to me and my dad!! I can and will be ok, just takes time is all, and now that i have my mind set to it, i am positive i will do it this time and for good. NO turning back for me. I refuse to keep going through the w/d's it is sooooooooo Not worth it. I have come to far to quit now. I will check back in later this evening.

Ionote, Hope you are ok. If you are here later we can catch up, ok?

Love you all
Hope

[lonote]

Sorry I coulden't get to you any sooner, but I just got out of the hospital a couple hours ago..Asthma was very bad and they woulden't admit me so I switched doctors and he got me right in. They had to give me mega amounts of predisone thru I.V. and I was in 4 days, so haven't been on here in a while.Hope 15 days! Wow girl, I am so very proud of you. You have so many people in your corner girl, keep up the great work. I know its been rough, but your doing fantastic. Take care hon,   love Cathy

[uglyfish]

sounds great, I know the horrors and am glad you are in good spirits. Keep up the good work. You will live stronger and wiser.
      Take care
       uglyfishwft

[Greatgreebo]

I knew you could do it!!! Your dad is so very proud of you right now!! Give yourself a big hug for me (and him) and hang in there. I'm glad to see you posting.
Keep looking forward-you are a beautiful person and the world is a better place because you are in it-don't ever forget that.
Stay strong,
Greatgreebo

[tzt2lady]

Hey you!  Im so glad to hear you are clean!   Im proud of you!  Everything takes time, especially healing and we have so much to heal from, loss, addiction, etc.  You are on the right road so you just keep walkin'!   You are probably pleasantly surprised at the strength you have, being able to get clean and giving your mom the support she needs while dealing with your own grief.   Just stay clean, you can do it and you are proving that to yourself right now.

Stay sweet and don't forget to smile, k?

tzt

[lucyred68]

it's ok, hun.  like i said i have been there.  i had my dad a lot longer, he was 87 when he passed, but i still tear up when i think about him.  we wouldn't be normal if we didn't miss them terribly.  my parents were married for 69 years.  Mom told me the other day " I loved that man for 72 years."  just broke my heart.  she is doing ok, but of course after all that time, she misses him.  life does go on and you will find joy again.  Is there a church you could get into?  good solid christian people are a great comfort at a time like this.  and you could get together more often than once a week.  just a thought.  luv,  Lucy

[hopeless]

That brought tears to my eyes...Thank you Lucy!!
Just like Jesus suffered for 3 days, so did my dad (his last 3 days were just awful) Then to top that, He went home on Jesus's Birthday...A day to celebrate, huh? We only wonder now how Christmas day will ever be the same again. We know he is home, but the selfish part of us, want and need him here again. It is just so hard to except that he is gone, we still can't believe it. I still feel like he is going to call me on the phone, and talk to me like he did every day. He had left me a message on my answering machine about a month before he passed, and for some reason i never deleted it. To this day, i play it every day just so i can hear his voice again. I am so mad, all cause he was misdiagnosed, we don't have him anymore. He was so young, 52...and had to suffer all cause a doctor didn't treat him for the right thing, this is so wrong!! My life and my poor mom's life is just destroyed forever. We can't move on for some reason, my heart breaks for her every second of every day. If you only knew him you would know why. The love he had for my mom and us kids was so unreal. I'll tell ya what, God has a GREAT man with him right now. I only hope my dad is happy now, and knows how much he has meant to us. Honestly, i can't wait to go and be with him again...cause my life here on earth will never be the same again.

I know i am so depressed, and keep going on and on about this. Just makes me feel better to type my feelings. Me and my mom joined a support group and we start going the 2nd Tuesday of every month, and i pray it will bring a little relief for us both. Cause i really don't know how to be happy again. Between the addiction, and losing the greatest man i have ever known. There has to be some way to overcome this. Just hope we can find the relief soon.

Lucy, you are a very sweet lady, and i just want to say thank you for listening to me ramble on and on...

Love ya back, Hope

[lucyred68]

Lord, i pray that You will remove the guilt from Hope.  Help her to understand that it was the addiction that rulled he life, not who SHE is.  I pray that You will begin the healing process and help both her and her mother to be restored.  Turn their hearts to Yourself for comfort in this hard time.  Show them Your total love and understanding of the pain that they are suffering. You went through it yourself, Father, when your Son Jesus died for all of us.  Wrap them in Your arms and lift the despair.  In Jesus wonderful Name,  amen


Love ya Hope.   Lucy

[hopeless]

Thank you so much. I am more than ever determined to win this battle more than ever this time. You are right, when my wonderful dad passed, i was taking pills, and now that i am clean, it is hitting me pretty hard! God, i miss him so much!! I am done, I will NOT go back to pills ever again. I can't keep going through the w/d's all i am doing is hurting myself. I am on day 16 today, and although i am still craving, i will be ok. I will make my dad proud of me, and that is one promise i can make and keep for him. As for the mourning, it is pretty bad right now, all i do is cry, i talk to him every day and the worst part is the guilt i carry with me every day, cause i was taking his pain pills from him when he was on his death bed...I know it was the addiction making me do it, cause i am not a bad person. Just hope he see's this now!!
Thanks Lucy, means alot to me to hear from you and to know i am not alone...
Love, Hope

[lucyred68]

i just got back in here after several months away because of no puter.  i was praying for you all along, cause your story really touches my heart.  I lost my father 2 years ago while in a drugged daze, and really couldn't go through the mourning stages till i was clean.  then i went back on for the pain, and am going through it all over again.  (back pain).  will continue to pray for you to stay clean this time and that God will heal your body, mind, and spirit so you can be that happy, but wiser girl again.  Love ya,  Lucy

[Flutterby111]

I'm on day 10, and the W/D's sucked so fricken bad.....I'm very proud of you and your story.   Keep it up.. .  We can all do this!!!  I look forward to seeing you post your 30 days clean !  

[road2recovery]

I am beyond words...I am so so proud of you!!!  you have been through so much lately and you are coming out on the other end..

you will be that happy girl again, i promise....I am here for you!!  And i know about being mean and saying things you don't mean to hubby or children....But that will all get better in time...
AGAIN so DARN proud of you girl
r2r

[sterling_silver]

Hi Hope,
I remember you and your struggles.Happy to hear you are doing so much better.
Just keep on going one day at a time.
God bless you.

[hopeless]

Just wanted to say one more thing to the ones who don't know me. I have been taking oxy, started with 5/325 worked my way up to 10/325 and for the past year taking 80 mg. of oxy. up to 4 a day that is 240 mg. total a day for the past year. Altogether i have been using for a little over 4 years. Trust me TOTALLY addicted!! Last August ended up in the hospital, my liver failed! Almost didn't make it, came out of the hospital and quit for a short time, and boom right back using again. Now 15 days clean today, and very proud of it. The moral of this story is, I know how hard this is to quit, i really totally honestly do, but if i can do this, then i swear anyone can. Yes it is hard, prob. the hardest thing you will ever do in your life, but it is so so so worth it in the end. No more wondering where i can get pills at, no more!! It is a struggle, and a HUGE fight, but definately a fight worth fighting for. Get to 15 days like me, and i promise you, you will start and see the light again. For the past 15 days, all i did was lay in bed, cry, and be miserable...But i also only took one hour at a time. So please guys, those of you that think it can't be done, i promise you, it can!! Don't give up! Think Postive! This nasty feeling will NOT last forever, just remeber it is only temporary. Then you can be you again, the real you!

Hope this helps some or even one of you!! All my best to you all!! I know how hard this is!

Hope