Aa
First post- 4th quit attempt
I've been addicted to Norcos (yellow), taking anywhere from 5 to, more recently, 9-12 a day, 3-3.5 at a time. I began recreationally, after my bestfriend introduced me to them at a party. Having two brothers with severe addiction problems, I was always wary of taking any kind of drugs. But these little pills seemed so innocent, the effect so mild, and once I knew what they were, I realized just how many people were taking them, whether prescribed or through street sources, it was easy to fool myself into believing they were harmless. Little did I know, the severity of my actions, the hold it would have on me, and the damage they would cause to my life, and my health.
My bestfriend became my roommate and her boyfriend always had some, as did many of my coworkers who I saw everyday, so they were very accessible. At work, my female coworkers and I would flirt with all the guys we knew had prescriptions to get what we referred to as "candy" or "presents", often getting a few free every couple days, which we would take to make office work more tolerable. Then, of course, we'd take them for any reason and what started as 'once in awhile', became everyday.
When these coworkers ran out of their scripts or left the company, I was easily able to find street sources to buy from, spending wayy too much money, taking more and more.
Sometimes I wouldn't be able to get them, and for the first time experienced the miserable WD effects. It made me terrified of WD, so much that I would do everything in my power to insure that I always had some. Anything to avoid that horrible feeling.
It was then, a couple years ago, I knew the real mess I was in and decided i had to quit. I still had friends who were taking them, and deep down i wished that I could too.
My first two attempts to quit I went to a Dr. I was referred to who prescribed me Suboxone, but didn't offer any help with the mental and emotional dependency. He had a private practice, and I paid upwards of $600 each time, for the appt and prescription, not covered by my insurance.
Both times I took Suboxone, I stayed clean for a couple months after running out, but being unable to come up with the high cost of refill, I relapsed. Norcos were still ever present, a temptation I did not have the skills to resist. Once I had money for refill, I found that he had been shut down for malpractice.
My next route, going through my own insurance, Kaiser, was significantly more difficult to manage with my fulltime job, which is why I went the other route initially. Through Kaiser, I'd have to join their Out-patient program, which mandated twice a week group therapy sessions, once a week classes, a minimum of twice a week self-help meetings (NA, AA), weekly drug tests, and periodic one on ones with an assigned therapist. This meant rearranging my work hours, which I was only able to do by coming clean to my supervisor. She was beyond supportive, having dealt with and overcome her own addiction through Kaiser 5 years back. She even went with me to my first appointment where I was once again prescribed Suboxone as long as I stuck with the program.
Everything was going great and i stayed off Norcos for the couple months I was in the program. I finally felt like I was getting my life back on track. Then, Dec 2011, my company informed us that our insurance would be changing. Effective 1/2012, Kaiser would not be an option.
I was worried sick but assured myself I would stay strong and clean. Around the same time, a new employee was hired as a replacement for someone in my department who sits one desk over. Turns out, she has an ever-full script for Norcos. I was tempted everyday by the damn things, my mind running wild all day long, providing me reasons it wouldn't hurt to just take a few. Still, I resisted.
The final straw was a couple months ago, while planning the bachelorette party weekend for my bestfriend. I was getting lots of requests to get some for the weekend, as I had all the contacts. I should have said no, but I didn't refuse. I ended up taking a few over the weekend, and it's been a gradual descent back into my own private hell ever since. To top it off, I have wound up taking more just to feel the effects than I used to because the Suboxone was not fully out of my system. I kept telling myself each time that it would be the last time, so why not make it the best time, but every time someone asked me to get them some, which has been all too frequent recently, I have not been able to resist getting my own. The problem is now, the same problem as before that i seem to always forget: THIS IS NOT FUN ANYMORE!!
Now I have no way to get help without taking time off work and joining a rehab, which I cannot do. My job will not let me, and I can't afford to. I don't want to tell my supervisor again, or my sober friends who supported me last time around. I can't tell my poor mother, who has been through a world of heartache and worry, and suffered enough for all my brothers have already put her through. I have always been viewed as the responsible one, with a steady job that I've advanced in over my 7 yrs of employment, and a happy, 'put-together' front. I've been mommy number 2 to my younger siblings, and the one my mom could talk to when overwhelmed by the stress of my brothers addictions.
I can't bear the thought of her finding out that one more of her children has fallen prey to drugs. I know she would help and support me through it 100%, but I would feel so selfish to lean on her, burdening her with my problem that is a result of my own stupid choices. I am consumed my so much shame and anxiety, not to mention, debt. I should have known better!!
It doesn't help that one of my dealers will front me, meeting me anytime, anywhere, whether or not I have money. But he keeps his tab, and I rack up more debt. Deleting his number, and all other contacts, doesn't work because I can access my phone records online, or get from coworkers. I just wish I could get away to where it is not available to me! I am trapped and scared, and I feel so alone.
The only out I see is tapering off, to try and make the WD as minimal as possible. I need to do this to save my life. Somehow I have to find the strength, even if it's borrowed, not my own. Reading all the support and shared stories on this site of all you who are going through, or have made it through, the same struggle as me has given me hope that I am not alone, and that it can be done.
I need to kick this before my life unravels completely!! I am at the end of my rope, and I would truly appreciate any and all help I can get.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story.
My bestfriend became my roommate and her boyfriend always had some, as did many of my coworkers who I saw everyday, so they were very accessible. At work, my female coworkers and I would flirt with all the guys we knew had prescriptions to get what we referred to as "candy" or "presents", often getting a few free every couple days, which we would take to make office work more tolerable. Then, of course, we'd take them for any reason and what started as 'once in awhile', became everyday.
When these coworkers ran out of their scripts or left the company, I was easily able to find street sources to buy from, spending wayy too much money, taking more and more.
Sometimes I wouldn't be able to get them, and for the first time experienced the miserable WD effects. It made me terrified of WD, so much that I would do everything in my power to insure that I always had some. Anything to avoid that horrible feeling.
It was then, a couple years ago, I knew the real mess I was in and decided i had to quit. I still had friends who were taking them, and deep down i wished that I could too.
My first two attempts to quit I went to a Dr. I was referred to who prescribed me Suboxone, but didn't offer any help with the mental and emotional dependency. He had a private practice, and I paid upwards of $600 each time, for the appt and prescription, not covered by my insurance.
Both times I took Suboxone, I stayed clean for a couple months after running out, but being unable to come up with the high cost of refill, I relapsed. Norcos were still ever present, a temptation I did not have the skills to resist. Once I had money for refill, I found that he had been shut down for malpractice.
My next route, going through my own insurance, Kaiser, was significantly more difficult to manage with my fulltime job, which is why I went the other route initially. Through Kaiser, I'd have to join their Out-patient program, which mandated twice a week group therapy sessions, once a week classes, a minimum of twice a week self-help meetings (NA, AA), weekly drug tests, and periodic one on ones with an assigned therapist. This meant rearranging my work hours, which I was only able to do by coming clean to my supervisor. She was beyond supportive, having dealt with and overcome her own addiction through Kaiser 5 years back. She even went with me to my first appointment where I was once again prescribed Suboxone as long as I stuck with the program.
Everything was going great and i stayed off Norcos for the couple months I was in the program. I finally felt like I was getting my life back on track. Then, Dec 2011, my company informed us that our insurance would be changing. Effective 1/2012, Kaiser would not be an option.
I was worried sick but assured myself I would stay strong and clean. Around the same time, a new employee was hired as a replacement for someone in my department who sits one desk over. Turns out, she has an ever-full script for Norcos. I was tempted everyday by the damn things, my mind running wild all day long, providing me reasons it wouldn't hurt to just take a few. Still, I resisted.
The final straw was a couple months ago, while planning the bachelorette party weekend for my bestfriend. I was getting lots of requests to get some for the weekend, as I had all the contacts. I should have said no, but I didn't refuse. I ended up taking a few over the weekend, and it's been a gradual descent back into my own private hell ever since. To top it off, I have wound up taking more just to feel the effects than I used to because the Suboxone was not fully out of my system. I kept telling myself each time that it would be the last time, so why not make it the best time, but every time someone asked me to get them some, which has been all too frequent recently, I have not been able to resist getting my own. The problem is now, the same problem as before that i seem to always forget: THIS IS NOT FUN ANYMORE!!
Now I have no way to get help without taking time off work and joining a rehab, which I cannot do. My job will not let me, and I can't afford to. I don't want to tell my supervisor again, or my sober friends who supported me last time around. I can't tell my poor mother, who has been through a world of heartache and worry, and suffered enough for all my brothers have already put her through. I have always been viewed as the responsible one, with a steady job that I've advanced in over my 7 yrs of employment, and a happy, 'put-together' front. I've been mommy number 2 to my younger siblings, and the one my mom could talk to when overwhelmed by the stress of my brothers addictions.
I can't bear the thought of her finding out that one more of her children has fallen prey to drugs. I know she would help and support me through it 100%, but I would feel so selfish to lean on her, burdening her with my problem that is a result of my own stupid choices. I am consumed my so much shame and anxiety, not to mention, debt. I should have known better!!
It doesn't help that one of my dealers will front me, meeting me anytime, anywhere, whether or not I have money. But he keeps his tab, and I rack up more debt. Deleting his number, and all other contacts, doesn't work because I can access my phone records online, or get from coworkers. I just wish I could get away to where it is not available to me! I am trapped and scared, and I feel so alone.
The only out I see is tapering off, to try and make the WD as minimal as possible. I need to do this to save my life. Somehow I have to find the strength, even if it's borrowed, not my own. Reading all the support and shared stories on this site of all you who are going through, or have made it through, the same struggle as me has given me hope that I am not alone, and that it can be done.
I need to kick this before my life unravels completely!! I am at the end of my rope, and I would truly appreciate any and all help I can get.
Thank you for taking the time to read my story.
Wow, SMJ, you've obviously done your homework. Your list should be stickied. You have an excellent plan and by preparing in advance you are setting the stage for success. Way to go, I look forward to your updates :)
Hugs,
Minn
Hugs,
Minn
I love your lists!!!! I wish I had that when I was first starting out! You are going to make it, and I promise you, the detox will end and may or may not even be as bad as you are imagining it to be. Either way, it is temporary and a much brighter future awaits you!
I can sooo relate to your story. When I read your post...I also read that your so proactive in stopping you'll get thru the sick ickies...and be ok.
You've been through it before. I know its still scarey. The sick part. But just tell yourself you've got the flu. Then hunker down and hurry it over. Like you stated ....this isn't fun anymore. And when its not fun anymore. It's work. Lol. Scoffing pills and keeping up with pills is like having a second full time job. Once you clean out your system and get that first 30 days clean tilme under your belt you'll make it. Also just think of all the other stuff you'll have time for... This one will stick ...your going about it the right way.
I'll support ya and wish you the best
You've been through it before. I know its still scarey. The sick part. But just tell yourself you've got the flu. Then hunker down and hurry it over. Like you stated ....this isn't fun anymore. And when its not fun anymore. It's work. Lol. Scoffing pills and keeping up with pills is like having a second full time job. Once you clean out your system and get that first 30 days clean tilme under your belt you'll make it. Also just think of all the other stuff you'll have time for... This one will stick ...your going about it the right way.
I'll support ya and wish you the best
Excellent plan! I agree with no pills on Thursday and working on Friday. You should still feel okay on Friday but Saturday the symptoms will hit.
Everything on your list can be purchased at Walgreens except for music/movies...I'd hold off on the l tyrosine and 5 HTP; it can make you jittery. Save it for down the road.
It may go without saying but get your environment in good shape: clean up the house, change sheets, buy food and drinks, do all the laundry and have plenty of comfy things to wear (maybe something new?)
I am an advocate of long tapers but I don't think you're a good candidate. So, it's a good idea to cut back for a few days and then just stop. Very well thought out...
Keep posting. There's much support here.
Everything on your list can be purchased at Walgreens except for music/movies...I'd hold off on the l tyrosine and 5 HTP; it can make you jittery. Save it for down the road.
It may go without saying but get your environment in good shape: clean up the house, change sheets, buy food and drinks, do all the laundry and have plenty of comfy things to wear (maybe something new?)
I am an advocate of long tapers but I don't think you're a good candidate. So, it's a good idea to cut back for a few days and then just stop. Very well thought out...
Keep posting. There's much support here.
SMJ, So glad to see you posted, very proud of you. All of those usual suspects you just mentioned helped me immensely. I am just about through my fourth day, and besides a headache I feel fantastic. I actually golfed today which I thought it would be weeks.
Not sure which direction you decided to go, CT or tapering, but I must say tapering really worked for me.my wife controlled the amount given however, not I. I seem to have suffered less w/ d symptoms than most because li was down to 1.5 total pills by the time I quit.
I praise you for your strength in posting and keep doing it, I told you these folks are amazing.
Joe
Not sure which direction you decided to go, CT or tapering, but I must say tapering really worked for me.my wife controlled the amount given however, not I. I seem to have suffered less w/ d symptoms than most because li was down to 1.5 total pills by the time I quit.
I praise you for your strength in posting and keep doing it, I told you these folks are amazing.
Joe
Just wow. Seriously. You have been reading and listening and absorbing everything here. Like a big ole sponge! I am beyond impressed with your plan of action from the time off of work to supplies to expectations. If you took all this time to research, plan and now activate, you are committed. I know you read my memorial day post (btw - I just posted on there again a link to a self-hypnosis cd by my therapist - awesome stuff) and it wasn't even close to this. You so are ready and seriously, as I said in this post, you must be 110% committed. Or you are doomed to fail. Well darlin'... you are 220% committed. Now..use us to help you. Cry, complain, laugh, come here often and tell us what you're feeling and we will talk you through it. CONGRATULATIONS! Crazy mad love...waz
SMJ, this is absolutely a well thought out great plan! You are setting up your self for success! I'm applauding you here! Most all of the things you need can be found at Walmart or a similar such store! Remember to come here and post as much a you want! You have no idea how much it helps! I am on day 8 now and posting and replying to posts helped me so much! It sounds like you have covered all your bases, but if I can think of something else I'll let you know! One more thing, try to smile & laugh as much as you can! It really does help! Welcome aboard! I can't wait to see you on the other side! Joining hands with you!!
OMG girl, This should be posted on medhelps home page as a public service announcement!!! You've got this.....
Thank you Dixie, Sonrissa, Kyle, Waz, and Selfinduced. Your kind words, advice and encouragement mean the world. I WANT this, and I NEED this!! I know it will only get worse the longer I wait and I want my old self back. With your help I know I can make it through. I have been writing a plan of action for myself based on all the information and advice I have gathered through the posts in this forum so that I can be fully prepared for both the physical and mental withdraw. It's helping me work up the courage knowing what to expect, and what I can do to help alleviate the worst of what's to come.
Since I know I cannot take more than a day off work, I am going to request Monday 6/11/12 off. I will taper as much as possible until next Thurs, which is my next payday. On Thurs I will buy all the necessities, and I am scheduling a Dr. Appt for a physical on Thurs as well. At that time will let my Dr know about my addiction and my plan to detox and see if he can prescribe anything for sleep, RLS, and other symptoms. I plan to stop taking Norcos completely on that Thurs, and hopefully will be ok to work Friday. That will put days 3 and 4 over the weekend, 5 on my Mon off, and again, hoping I will be ok to go back to work Tuesday. Here are the lists I have made for what to expect, to-do's, what I will need. Please feel free to add any other suggestions, and also let me know where I can find the ingredients with (where?) beside them.
Thank you all again!! I will keep in touch because it helps keep me focused and you guys are just great.
TO DO:
•Dr appt
•Buy essentials
•Pay off drug debt, tell all never sell to me again & delete my #
•Delete all drug contacts
•Tell mom
•Tell friends my plan and that I will never be a source for Norcos again so don't ask me
•Write my reasons for quitting
WHAT TO EXPECT PHYSICALLY:
•Restless Legs
•Muscle aches
•Runny nose
•Stomach issues
•Insomnia
•Nausea
•Chills
•Sweats
WHAT TO EXPECT MENTALLY:
•Anxiety
•Depression
•Irritability
•Temptation
WHAT I WILL NEED:
•Imodium
•Epsom salt with hot baths (where?)
•5-HTP (where?)
•L-Tyrosine (where?)
•Gatorade / vitamin water
•Tonic water
•Ensure or Boost
•Soups, crackers, bread (toast) Bananas
•Celestial Seasons - Morning Zinger & Sleepytime tea
•Theraflu ( Daytime & Nighttime)
•Multivitamin (B-6)
•Mineral supplement (at least 100% RDA of calcium, magnesium, zinc, copper & phosphorus)
•Funny movies & shows
•Music playlist
•120 hr chart
Since I know I cannot take more than a day off work, I am going to request Monday 6/11/12 off. I will taper as much as possible until next Thurs, which is my next payday. On Thurs I will buy all the necessities, and I am scheduling a Dr. Appt for a physical on Thurs as well. At that time will let my Dr know about my addiction and my plan to detox and see if he can prescribe anything for sleep, RLS, and other symptoms. I plan to stop taking Norcos completely on that Thurs, and hopefully will be ok to work Friday. That will put days 3 and 4 over the weekend, 5 on my Mon off, and again, hoping I will be ok to go back to work Tuesday. Here are the lists I have made for what to expect, to-do's, what I will need. Please feel free to add any other suggestions, and also let me know where I can find the ingredients with (where?) beside them.
Thank you all again!! I will keep in touch because it helps keep me focused and you guys are just great.
TO DO:
•Dr appt
•Buy essentials
•Pay off drug debt, tell all never sell to me again & delete my #
•Delete all drug contacts
•Tell mom
•Tell friends my plan and that I will never be a source for Norcos again so don't ask me
•Write my reasons for quitting
WHAT TO EXPECT PHYSICALLY:
•Restless Legs
•Muscle aches
•Runny nose
•Stomach issues
•Insomnia
•Nausea
•Chills
•Sweats
WHAT TO EXPECT MENTALLY:
•Anxiety
•Depression
•Irritability
•Temptation
WHAT I WILL NEED:
•Imodium
•Epsom salt with hot baths (where?)
•5-HTP (where?)
•L-Tyrosine (where?)
•Gatorade / vitamin water
•Tonic water
•Ensure or Boost
•Soups, crackers, bread (toast) Bananas
•Celestial Seasons - Morning Zinger & Sleepytime tea
•Theraflu ( Daytime & Nighttime)
•Multivitamin (B-6)
•Mineral supplement (at least 100% RDA of calcium, magnesium, zinc, copper & phosphorus)
•Funny movies & shows
•Music playlist
•120 hr chart
Welcome, and it sounds by the tone of your post that you are ready. Kyle has really hit this on the head, you have to really want this because the temptation will be great. You have to do everything you can to make these hard to get for the same reasons. You can do this, and this forum is a great place for support. Like you, I also have had a long love affair with the hydro. I would also recommend you get busy getting better now. Forget the taper, flush what you have and take control. Might be the hardest, scariest thing you have done so far, but it will be liberating and then you can get busy healing yourself.
Bryan
Bryan
You can do this girl, You have the best group of cheerleaders in the house routing for you. Post us any symptoms and worries and we'll be all over em like bees on honey (God that was corner), anyway, we are the wind beneath your wings. xx
Yes Waz! As I like to say, we are all in this same river, but in different boats! We help each other paddle along!! We will make it together! Throwing you a paddle SMJ!
I am so delighted you finally decided to post. When you first mentioned in one of my posts you had accidentally told your story in your journal instead of on the board, I went right to it and read. We are here for you. To encourage and push and hold on to. We will tell you what you need to hear when you are weak. Dixie stays on my shoulder! Minn has her secret detox kit. Sonrissa..Dane. Everyone has a different story yet every story is the same. And who doesn't like a happy ending? Know we are here to help you and each other reach that point!
Welcome. I too was a Norco user, 8 to 10 a day for over three years. Prior to that, 15 years of using any pills I could lay my hands on. Some clean time here and there, but nothing substantial.
You've come to a point in your addiction that many of us reach - the shame, guilt, awareness of what we've done, and the plain truth that we have to take more and more just to feel normal, to function every day.
Now it comes down to you - we are here to help, and there are NA meetings to go to, rehabs galore - but unless you really want this nothing else matters.
You have to get rid of all of your sources. Sounds like that might be hard, but it's a must. If and when you begin the detox, your head will start talking to you, things like "one pill won't hurt - just one will help me sleep" or whatever.
Call your doctor, pharmacy, dentist, and tell them that you want to be "red flagged" relative to Norco and such. Hard to do, but necessary. Then buckle up for a couple of bad days. Read the posts on this forum; lots of great advice. You can do this, lots of us did, but again, ultimately it is all up to you. Good luck; keep posting.
You've come to a point in your addiction that many of us reach - the shame, guilt, awareness of what we've done, and the plain truth that we have to take more and more just to feel normal, to function every day.
Now it comes down to you - we are here to help, and there are NA meetings to go to, rehabs galore - but unless you really want this nothing else matters.
You have to get rid of all of your sources. Sounds like that might be hard, but it's a must. If and when you begin the detox, your head will start talking to you, things like "one pill won't hurt - just one will help me sleep" or whatever.
Call your doctor, pharmacy, dentist, and tell them that you want to be "red flagged" relative to Norco and such. Hard to do, but necessary. Then buckle up for a couple of bad days. Read the posts on this forum; lots of great advice. You can do this, lots of us did, but again, ultimately it is all up to you. Good luck; keep posting.
Hi SMJ! Welcome to this wonderful family! If you stick around and continue to post, you will find love, help, and support to get you through every step of the way! This forum has literally saved my miserable life! The people on this forum have quickly become friends for life! I am on day 8 now, and was abusing just as bad as you! I will not say it hasn't been rough, but, it is doable! I can't add much more than Dixie,except to say that you may want to consider talking to your mom! You might just be surprised how much that may help! Addiction runs in families and she may know more than you think! Take care, please reach out to us! There is hope and healing! Best wishes!!
Ahhhhhh read our stories. I'm there with u!!! Look 11 days sober thanks to this wonderul forum. Same thing. Badly badly abusing those damn yellow demons. I don't even think I was feeling effects anymore. I realized I had gone through a 120 in 3 friggin days. Hello!!!!! So do I consider taper of this??? No because regardless ur going to hit WD ok. So honestly I had planned to taper myself. Then joined this place and stopped CT. Yeah for me. WD are tough and scary but with the right stuff u can and will get through it. Read back on some of our earlier postings. Follow the Thomas recipe ... Get imodium Gatorade stay hydrated and eat to keep up ur strength you'll need it. U can do this. I did. And am!!! Look how badly I was abusing. I didn't think I'd see the light but I do. Man it makes me want to smack all pill users upside the head who are abusing. We have lost ourselves to these. Not made better like we think it does. That's my choice is CT but the choice is urs!!!! Good luck. We are here to lift u carry u cry with u and best of all laugh!!!
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