I'm Not Ok...

[Ali1226172]

Hey everyone it's been a while so I just wanted to touch base with everyone.  I'm not doing so great...this battle is harder than I thought but, I have just begun therapy so I hope with time this will end.  I am just mad depressed lately. My sister is so so sick that it's making it a hundred times harder for me to pick myself up.  I hope noone thinks less of me. :( I just feel like honesty is the best way to go in this process.  I have cut back big time as I have said before but, I can't stop all and all without wanting to just die.  I have zero strenght left and if my sister is not ok than I AM NOT OK.  It's so hard to explain but, I feel like if she is doing ok than I can start to get myself together knowing she is safe.  But, right now I can't sleep or function without a pill cuz every day I am in fear that she is going to die on me.  I need her so bad right now and without her I am a complete mess and just totally lost.  Please help me get through this...I know pills are not the way and I have it in check but, she is so out of control that any day could be her last and it scares the **** out of me!! Not to mention it keeps me sick too....I'm so lost and sad it's unreal!! If anyone has gone through this, I am reaching out for support.....If she leaves me I am as good as dead- I can't live without her...

[Ali1226172]

I am soo sorry to hear about you dad.  How did you get through it?? I am watching out for myself which is why I am reaching out on here and trying therapy but the pain I feel is just so unbearable all the time.... how long have u been clean now?? I appreciate your support, it's comforting to know that I am not alone.

[BIKERDAD1963]

I absolutely no what you are going thru. My dad,who was also a biker, was a bad alcoholic and as a teenager I looked up to him in the worst way. He got me a job at the shop as soon as I graduated and he taught me so much. Unfortunately he taught me the bad things too. I fell into the trap at a very early age. I overdosed at age 20 and was put into a phsyco ward for rehab. As bad as it was I made it. When I got out I tried so hard to get my dad help but I couldnt get him to listen. He ended up dying at age 63 from liver and kidney failure. After that I began to drink for about 10 years and thats when i had my accident. I was in the hospital for quite a while and when i got out I just didnt drink, unfortunately the pain meds took there place. Anyways I do understand what you are going thru but you need to watch out for yourself too or bad things can happen. Take care of yourself before you fall into a trap that you cant get out of.

[Ali1226172]

Honstely I am more emotionally a mess than anything else..... Please lend out ur support as you all have already!! I appreciate it a lot...has anyone been on the other end, and know a family member or friend that is an addict??

[Ali1226172]

Thanks everyone...and I am fine- I am in the process of stopping.  It's just her I worry about! I would sacrafice anything for her but, she wont even try to get better! It's just a mess and  I have been through so much... (I have lost my best friend to heroine and have gotten sick myself inlight of dealing with her loss).  I need her to be better...I know in time I will be ok cuz I am a fighter but she is just so weak it truly scares me!!  I just simply was saying that I am finding it very hard to cope with all this and I need support.  BikerDad...the main reason I have stopped before and will again is because I don't want to be sick like her and WILL NEVER allow myself to get that way.  She is so far gone and numb that she feels nothing at all...and i am the one trying to be sober and deal with all this pain ALONE and its really rough at times.  (Hence the set backs)  It's the hardest thing I have ever had to go through watching her in and out of rehabs and hospitals (not to mention 4 OD'S) ...how do I deal with this?? I know therapy is the right first step and I am trying to do the right thing here but I am in so so much pain inside that live has become meaningless to me.... Addiction is a family disease and now I see why cuz the family member of the addicts hurt a millon times more than the addict!! Not to minimize that pain of addiction but, unless you have been on the other end of it I don't think I can possibly explain the amount of pain I feel watching my best friend, my sister deterote right in front of me as I watch helplessly and lie awake in fear that I will get that phone call.....  So yeah trust me I WILL NEVER be a full blown addict cuz I would never want to hurt anyone the way I have been hurt....this is why I am again working on dealing with this all sober- I just hope I make it out the other side...

[freebird227]

I am glad that you are seeking support by going to therapy, a safe place where you can be honest about the feelings you are harboring against your sister and the Fear of being without her.
Try to remember that with her this is a desease and not a moral issue the same as yourself.
Be gentel with yourself,,you are powerless over addiction
Stay on site here and let others help you through this
Recovery is a We thing, not a Me thing.................Debra  I am an addict

[BIKERDAD1963]

Dont think of yourself doing drugs because of your sister, that would be a horrable thing for her to have to deal with if she knew. Think about quiting for your sister, in her honor. I know there always seems to be a reason to keep doing drugs so you need to consintrate on finding a reason to quit. It will come in the rite time. Counseling is a great beginning. Good luck with everything and I will pray for you and your sister.

[IBKleen]

How could we think less of you? We are all addicts. I think you feel that you let yourself down rather than anyone here.

It is great news to hear that you are starting therapy. You have a lot going on and you need to get to the core issues. I don't think it is so much physical with you as it is mental. And of course living with a heroin addict and watching what she is going through must be very difficult.

Don't give up. Get the counseling you need and I also have to suggest that you hit meetings. Get a good support group and stay around people who know what you are going through.

Best of luck.