25 hours and counting...

[NikkiB78]

well it's 25 hours since my last does of perc.  

i got caught.  big time.  by husband....who in turn told both families, the DOCTOR, and whoever else would listen.  new fam doc sent me a letter refusing to be his patient.  blah, blah, blah.  i am pissed off about it all.  if there is any clarity at this end of i hope it's that i truly don't want to divorce my husband.  because i have already started the process.  i am fully aware of where i was and what needed done.  and as a husband...he could have helped me do it.  not virtually put it in the paper for everyone f$king person we know to know.  whatever.  being pissed off is the only thing getting me thru this and considering he carries the keys to the gun cabinet they are in, he told my mother so now she hides her too, and my doctor told me to **** off....i'm done.  

oh have an appointment with a counselor tomorrow.  yay.

so anyone asking for an update from me.  there u have it.

[Ballgame]

Good news.  Sounds like getting caught was a blessing.

[donewitis]

Such good news..I was concerned about you when you stopped posting, when you said hospital, I figured that's what would happen and I was relieved. I'm glad that it gave you the needed time to get away and breathe. I wish you well.

[NikkiB78]

ABILITY = ABILIFY. stupid iPhone spellcheck.

[NikkiB78]

I still can't fin the time to sit at the computer to give the whole story, but just wanted to update.

The psych at the hospital put me on ability and I believe it's helping. I'm also prescribed 1 Ativan in the morning as this is when my anxiety is the worse. Ibhabe taken benzos off and on thru life for various things and feel for now the Ativan is a crutch to get me thru this acute mental withdrawl but the ability should take over in a week or so. I have an appt on ties with the same counselor unskilled on last tuesday to end up where I did. And then with that psych on Friday.

I Have found that rubbing bengay all over my legs before beds acts as an all night hit soak, so that wa comforting last night. I sleep all night once I take my abilify at 10. I think it gives me motivation and a subtle energy the next day to. Here's to hoping that if my psyche is fixed I won't crave they pulls and will able to stay clean. Cuz honestly, it's a pretty darn good feeling. :)

Debbie if I can fin some time this weekend I'd like to give ya a buzz. No pun intedended. Lol

~Nikki

[atthebeach]

thank you for updating us.
oh boy, i wondered where you would end up. not so good.
well at least you are stable now and i hope on your way home.
you are so much calmer now. your little time away gave you some time to think.
i hope you know that your husband did what he did out of love, not for venegence or to hurt you.
as the spouses of addicts it is very hard to watch their destruction and know that each and every day they are consumed by and  being slowly killed by it. we get very frustrated because we cant stop it and dont know what to do to help end the madness.
i want you to know that i did the same thing to my husband. it was at the point when he had no where to run, everyone knew and i know that he was mad but also glad that it had finally come out.
the next day he went into a rehab and stayed for 3 months he has now been clean for 18 months. praise the LORD.
of course there is shame and embarrassment. i never told anybody because i was embarrassed for my husband, for me, for my children. i hope and pray that the healing will now start.
i am praying for you and your family,
keep the faith and keep fighting
hugs
debbie

[NikkiB78]

Ohhh guys u have no idea.  I have to make this quick but will fill ya in more tomorrow.

It actually turned out to be a 2 night stay in the psych ward!!  ummm didn't intend for all of THAT....but u girls are right. It gave me time to think, be around other addicts and those that literally tried to kill themselves.  Among other more serious mental conditions,  but I made alot comrades, well 2 very special to me one being my roomate. Anywho...details to follow. I need some time in bed withy husband. This has been an awful week for us and our families.  So the rewards of what ended up happening have not come without a certain degree of shame Nd embarrassed,  but I'm really glad it.

I love all u guys for checking in on me and offering your wisdom.  :)

~Nikki

[Ballgame]

Oh should have read all this before posting. She probably can't post from hospital.  Hope all is well.  We are thinking of you

[Ballgame]

Just my 2 cents but this is a good thing.  You needed to stop and needed a good reason to stop. Now you have it. If he hadn't told everyone then he would become part of the problem.
I don't know your story but you said you've been taking his pills.  You need help and now you have it.
You will look back and be thankful for this.  You're just embarrassed as I would be too.  I feel for you. Good luck

[freshstart01]

Anyone heard from nikki

[atthebeach]

you are in my thoughts and my prayers

[freshstart01]

Please keep in touch. God bless.

[atthebeach]

ok now you can just focus on you and getting yourself well. that took alot of courage. i am proud of you. yes please do stay in touch. we are here for you
hugs
sending hope and prayers
debbie

[vicki595]

That's probably the best thing right now. Not only can you relax a little and have some quiet time but they'll help you medically with withdrawals.  Stay in touch,okay?  

[NikkiB78]

I am in the hospital. I admitted myself today. Couldnt do it at home amymore.

[atthebeach]

i know things are really bad now. hun you have been struggling for a long time with addiction, anxiety and depression. the pills are just  continuing to make everything worse.
the anti-depressant wont work properly until you are off the opiods. i am glad you are going to the counselor please stick with it. there are lots of hurts right now between you and your husband and the familys just let the dust settle. your husband is calling the kettle black he also has his issues and isnt acknowledging them. you are the big giril here and have admitted your problem that is huge. please try to relax you dont need to have major anxiety attacks. please get to some support groups. i know you are mad and bitter right now but the LORD is still there for you. ask HIM to help you,strengthen you, and hold you up . prayer does work. please call me so we can just talk. you have been on my heart for months and i want to be there for you.

sending hugs and prayers
debbie

[vicki595]

I know and you know why...it was about the pain med right?  Maybe he would consider helping you in this situation. But,maybe not...Is there an urgent care nearby?   Also, your husband wants to help you so maybe HE can call the doctor. You need some help here and it wouldn't be fair at all to "bust" you like this and then abandon you!

Also, there's always the ER. You could go there and just be honest...the doctors generally like to help when they know you want the help!  There are some options... What about your family? Is there anyone you're close to who can help you out here?   I need to say this is unfortunate...you just cannot be abandoned because some people don't like your situation!  You need the help but you need to meet someone half way...just ask your husband to help you. I don't know if he's a mean spirited person or just doesn't know what to do about this. I do know you could use his help and support in a positive way right now.
Try talking to him...

[NikkiB78]

My family doctor kicked me out.

[vicki595]

Nikki- Please give your doctor a call...Some clonidine would really help you and I'm sure your doctor would be willing to help. You don't need to suffer like this;there are meds you can take that are safe.

Thinking of you...

[NikkiB78]

I'm here. I have been taking double doses of natural sleeping pills all night to get a couple hours at a time. I have been in bed for 11 hours mow to try to control the anxiety.y hot cold flashes and rls are nothing like last time but the anxiety is literally peralyzing me.

I texty husband to come help me last night when he put our daughter to bed and he never did. Keep in mind folks....he's a perc addict in denial. The hurt has gone way too deep this time.

I'm gonna try to get a couple hours sleep before the kids wake up. I have an appt with a counselOr at noon (est). I'm pissed cuz I really need something for the anxiety now and I know she won't be able to givevi have to wait a few days to c the psychiatrist in the group???  So dumb. I'm gonna tell her either go over and the psych I need meds now or I'm going to end up in ER. Almost did last night.

Thx do much for the offer Debbie. Yesterday thru the night I couldnt breath enough to live much less talk. Maybe I'll call ya later today.

Thx everyone else.

[dominosarah]

Nikki are you okay?

[justneedtotalk]

I know how you are feeling....Boy, it is tough not quitting under your own terms....some people respond well to an intervetntion or a family member calling you out but most just fight against it.  I truly wish you the best of luck with this situation.  One day good, bad, or indifferent you will realize that your husband is doing the best he can to help you.....I know it is not the way that you probably wanted but anyway outside of you still using would not of been pleasurable!

I hope you find it in your heart to realize that he just is trying to help you...help yourself....Probably not the best way...but it is a way!  

I know you are getting some good support so hopefully they can talk you down and help you down the path of sobriety!

[freshstart01]

Nikki how are you???? Vent if you need to.

[quitinoxys]

Nikki---I know you are feeling betrayed right now but you need to talk to someone that understands and gets it. So give Debbie (atthebeach) a call and talk it out. I am praying for you. God Bless---Rick

[vicki595]

Thanks Debbie...that's really great of you...