50 days strong....and doubting myself :(

[squirrelsnest]

I'm proud of myself today. 50 days without vicodin and this time I haven't replaced the pills with pot or alcohol. It's legit, I'm clean! Over the next few months, I will be  undertaking many new responsibilities. I must be held accountable. I have to remain focused, organized and above all, stay on top of myself to ensure that all of these responsibilities are executed on time and in a positive way. It's been a while, since I've been "out there". I've been at home for the past year raising my daughter, taking online courses. Now I'm back in school, physically in the classroom. On the one hand, it feels great to get out! On the other, I have a TON of work, hours in a school to complete for one of my courses. I have little help with child care and barely any money. I have to get creative and schedule help from friends, which will require me to become an expert at time management, something I was always very good at when I was high. I'm scared. I don't know if I can handle all of this sober. Dealing my daughter's father was the main reason that I began taking vicodin again after my daughter was born and while he and I have come to a "civil" place in our parental dynamic, he drinks, smokes pot, and is a sex/love addict. As many of you know, it hard to deal with another addict when you're sober, especially when you were just there....

Sometimes I have such terrible anxiety that it keeps me up at night. I have a prescribed medication for the anxiety but when I take it to help me sleep, I have a really hard time getting up in the morning. I feel like I'm juggling all these balls in the air and I'm just waiting for one of them to drop. If one of them drops, I'm afraid they all will and the only way I've ever managed to get the juggling going again is by calling on my old friend vicodin. I know he's not my friend and in reality he's making life harder on me. But for nearly half of my life, it's all I've known.

Any substantial encouragement would be greatly appreciated here....please, before I drop the ball.

[dominosarah]

Congrats on 50 days!!  That is a great accomplishment.  Right now you are feeling so overwh elmed and that causes our brains to go into overdrive.   Have you thought about any type of recovery care?  That would help you so much......sara

[rubyvroom]

You are AWESOME!!!!  And you are an inspiration, I wish you all the best with where you have gotten to and that you have kept going!