508 Days Sober ~ FAIL / Suicide Attempt ~ FAIL

[el_em_en_oh]

Had 4 beers and a double Glenlivet, at the house,  to gain a little liquid courage.

Went into my wife's purse and took her bottle of Clonazepam (which she takes for anxiety).

I proceeded to take all 80 of them (there were possibly as many as 100 in the bottle, but my wife wasn't sure).

Since I'm here talking to you, you might have guessed already that my suicide attempt failed (Hey... lookey there! I'm a failure at yet ANOTHER thing!!!).

My 508 days of sobriety is down the toilet, and I'm here to tell you, that even 15 months into sobriety, living life on life's terms is a b*tch.

At the time, "Offing" myself seemed like the way to go. I've since changed my mind and have been attending counseling to deal with my emotional wreckage.

This happened on January 25th, which coincidentally, is my birthday. Happy 39th birthday to me, right?

I am a complete and utter failure. At life. At death. At sobriety. In my marriage. To my wife. My health is sh*t. My life is in ruins. Can you blame me for wanting out?

LMNO  

[j34]

I know for me that I had to surround myself, with kind,loving, understanding ppl, ppl who were going throught the same as I.I know that one of the things i struggled and still struggle with is low self esteem, I dont need anybody else to beat my up i use a damn tree never mind a branch!!, this is changing tho cause i stuck around the winners ppl who didnt act and treat me like i was a piece of **** !~, Suggestion ,,reach out to pple who care, counsellor , learn how to love yourself, forgive yourself and others,set boundries and most important take it easy on yourself, you are recovering NOT recovered, Just for today.. I also know I didnt knwo how to do any of these things so i had to be taught! All the best and as many ppl know my favorite saying is it is not the part of fallin down that counts it is the part of getting back up and learning from our mistakes! II believe in you,  j34

[dominosarah]

I am glad you are here~~~sara

[ImDONENoMore]

Very well said laurel453.  :)

[vicki595]

Petro..Several good points there!

[petroglyph54]

I don't wish to appear stupid, but if your not taking opiates how did you fail at sobriety? One night of benzo's [not your doc], to me isn't a failure, oh how would I like to be able to claim 500 days!! Let alone one! I had enough one time, so I left. Couldn't be happier now! Love don't mean you can live with her. I don't even wanna say dumb stuff like, do you have anything you really like, go do that, so I won't. I don't know either of you but bellitling somebody I love, even once let alone every day to me, seems like she needs a mirror if looking for someone pathetic. You got some great accomplishments here, you have a great big shiny trophy, maybe she's jealous?

[laurel453]

the alternative can not be worse, ELMN... the third alternative we don't see at the time... I assume she doesn't want to quit the alcohol and you feel like dying before going on living like this but why not without her ? would it be that bad at the present circunstances ? what do you have to lose  if you were kind to lose your life?  she is driving yourself to the point of not wanting to live, you can not save her, only you. And meantime, changes can happen but nothing changes if nothing changes... and they can not be as bad as losing your life on the way : You life is not pathetic, you are not pathetic, you are beaten down now ,  some persons might make us believe it but it is not true . Save yourself first.

[throwindatowl]

Im glad your here. Life is tough with or without drugs. I wouldnt say 508  days clean is anything close to being a failure. Not even close. Man, some people cant go 24 hours without drugs.!!! I hope you feel better. We only got this one shot at life bro. One shot. Good, bad, ugly, one shot.

[el_em_en_oh]

I am not back on the pills. As I said, until the 24th, I was approximately 500 days clean/sober. And no... I have not been depressed for the entire 15 months. I'm not going to lie and tell you that I've been happy, as my wife's been beating me down the whole time, but I didn't start to REALLY become depressed about the futility of the situation until about 3 weeks ago.

I think the fact that January 25th was my birthday, and the 24th was a sh*t day and yet another day of being beaten down, I figured that it was as good a time as any. I mean, come one... she could have at least taken ONE day off from beating me down. The day before my birthday for crying out loud, but no... even on my birthday, I got a beat down. I had enough.

I truly am done with life. I have nothing positive to live for. As I said before, I'm not going to do anything to kill myself or hurt myself, but if I wasn't to wake up tomorrow, I would be more than happy.

If I was to write a book, the title would be: "My Life In Ruins", or something like that.

My wife said it best earlier today. She feels sorry for me because my life is so pathetic.

Leaving for the day.

Thanks for the feedback all. Maybe I'll be here tomorrow... maybe not.

[vicki595]

LMNO...If you feel like talking about this...Have you been depressed/suicidal all this time(15 mos.)?  Are you back on the pills now?  You know,just because you FEEL like a toad
doesn't mean that's the reality.  I'm glad you're hooked up with a therapist. I'm seeing some positive things in your life just jumping out at me and you see black...

Whatever was in your head on the 25th had to be so repugnant that you felt desparate.That's an awful feeling...and now you are just ambivalent with life. Are you taking an AD?  Those brain chemicals,I'm telling you,they can really mess us up!

I agree with Crys...you're wife is pissed but she loves you. She's scared thinking about the "what if's".  You know that and now she can't trust you. She's in a tough spot, as well.

So,the family and friends would be better off without you??  Did they tell you that?

I really hope you get this worked out...

xo

[laurel453]

i was beating myself daily because of my addiction. i ended up being a victim of myself  that had no strength left to live, or so i thought at the time. I don't know how bt  i found myself one day  wanting more  to end  my beating  and what caused it and not  my life. You have ended wanting to end your life and not stopping with the beating because you love her more than anything else, more than your life ?

[el_em_en_oh]

I started feeling this way after I quit the opiates, and my wife started drinking in order to copy (numb) her issues. She not only has issues with me, but both her grandparents are dying slowly, her business is in the toilet, and her parents are possibly getting a divorce.

Hence, she drinks to numb and forget. Unfortunately for me, she's an angry, resentful drunk and belittles, berates, physically hits, mentally abuses me when she's drunk, and doesn't remember the next morning what she's done.

It's difficult, even knowing that it's the drink talking, hearing how worthless you are, day after day after day after day, from the person that you love most in the world. Monday January 24th was the straw that broke the camels back, and I decided to throw in the towel.

Since recovering from my addiction to opiates, I've been constantly beaten down (for the last 500 days), and it finally took it's toll.

[laurel453]

i felt this way when i was on the pills... i didn't mind if i didn't wake up. I felt this way with what all the chemicals were doing to my brain. Didn't you feel this way on the pills ? or It has started since quitting the pills ?

[Crys833]

So the issues were covered up with opiates. Now, they slap you in the face. I get it. I also get why your wife is pissed, she's so scared she doesn't know how else to feel. Do you have kids?
You know, I've been in a similar situation to yours, and it's a long story I won't go there but,  I know sorta how you feel without knowing the full details. I'll be blunt, and I don't know how you'll react to that, but this is from my experience.....I told myself this one day.
You're being selfish. That's why your wife is mad. She can't understand what is so bad in your life that you did this. I know only you know the answer to that. I hope the therapist can help you figure out why you feel so worthless. You must truly know inside that there is NO way you are worhtless :) Your wife wants you to see that too, maybe even some couples therapy might help her to understand you better and you her.  You'll work this out, it's a bump in your life, and not worth taking your life over either. Communication is key, keeping things bottled inside could literally kill someone, one way or another.....

[gnarly_1]

hey dude your not worthless.....I dont think anyone dosent feel that way at one time or another in life it when we act on it that it becomes dangerous....you a lucky man that that dident kill you so God must have a plan bigger then you for your life....you are loved by God Jesus died on a cross for the forgiveness of sins so your forgiven if you believe if you dont I would recommend gettiing to know Jesus on a personal level your life will begin to have meaning this forum is about addiction Im not here to force God down anyones throat but it works for me if you want more info just message me .....right now we need to pick you up dust you off and start over with your sobriety im happy to here you got a conslor to see....as we often say the pills are just a symptom of the disease it is the very way we think that need to change im sorry life got you so down that you found no other way out but life is like weather it changes from day to day the human spirit can endure a lot more then you think you will get past this
if you need help I happy to lend a listing ear again just message me......Gnarly

[el_em_en_oh]

I'm at work at the moment. I have an appointment with my therapist on Wednesday morning.

As of this second, I'm not sure what emotion I'm feeling.

Am I happy to be alive?
Am I sad that I didn't succeed?

I'll be honest with you, if I didn't wake up tomorrow, I'd be more than okay with it. I don't want to proactively do anything to hurt myself, but if I was to die, I think everyone in my life would be better off.

Crys833: To answer your question as to why I did this after 15 months of sobriety... it really had ZERO to do with drugs or alcohol, believe it or not. Yes, I had a few drinks, but it wasn't so that I could get drunk and have a good time. It was to gain some liquid courage to enable me to take my wifes pills, which I felt sure would kill me.

Those that know me, know that alcohol and benzo's aren't my thing. I'm a one-track-addict... opiates ONLY. Seriously. I've take a clonazapam before, and it knocked me out and put me to sleep, so I've taken them as sleep aids and they haven't altered my state of mind besides making me sleepy and enabling me to fall asleep. That's why I thought that taking 80-100 of them would surely kill me.

I talked to my wife a few minutes ago, and she said she feels sorry for me. She feels anger towards me. And she feels resentment towards me. The anger & resentment because "Here we go again". The feeling sorry part is because she thinks I'm pathetic and sad and that she feels sorry for me that my life in such ruins that I felt that I needed to rid myself of life.

I am worthless.

[vicki595]

Hey---Blame you for wanting out?  Well...that's a rhetorical question,right?

So,this was just 5 days ago..I'm glad you're at home now although I'm sure you're not okay.  Wow...I'm stunned. Are you alone and okay to BE alone?

I'm glad you failed at suicide.

Hang out here...xo

[Crys833]

I'm glad your here :) You are not a failure, you need some help :) If you don't mind me asking? What made you want to do this after 15 months clean and on your birthday?