mentals maybe

[kellygirll]

so today is the first day I'm feeling yukky today just bla and no patience at all I'm 17 days off pills and dropped my sub to 1mg on yesterday I'm thinking that the mental crap is starting maybe? I'm going to a meeting in an hour a new one its a women's meeting then the 530 NA one with my son we have been doing every wednesday have been having thoughts of taking a few pills with me to my friends beach house next week but i don't think i will but i won't lie the thought has been going thru my mind my addict brain telling me the same old BS "its only this one time none will know" well I will know and i don't like it I'm feeling i won't but thats a whole week away ill worry about it when the time comes right? but for today i will not use i will go to my meetings today tomorrow and the next day and the next..........

[clean_in_ks]

That's music to my ears, Kelly :)
Talking to your therapist today....calling a woman from your meeting today....ALL GOOD relapse prevention tools girl.....glad you are talking about it NOW....and you're absolutely right....a week is 7 full days of 24 hr periods...you will be MUCH stronger by then if you do these things.  Keep talking to us...

[kellygirll]

thank you for that article as i was reading it i was getting this knot in my stomach don't know why i believe i am in emotional/mental relapse I'm going to my therapist in a few hours and on my way there i will call this women at one of my NA meetings and talk to her about it I'm feeling like i won't do it but i just don't trust myself this early in the game not at all and i KNOW i need ALL the support i can get my lil hands on right now I'm leaving for the beach a week from monday so i got lots of time to work on this i have been feeling anxious all day today and really icky i don't ever have anxiety but I thought it was from dropping my sub dose but its probably the emotional relapse stage I'm feeling intolerant and angry i get really pissed when I'm driving I'm so glad you directed me to this article i truly DONT want to relapse i really don't before when i tried to get clean a few months back i did want to but i don't now I'm fighting this so thank you cik thank you soooo much

[clean_in_ks]

Just now read this thread this morning.....have you read it?

http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Addiction-Substance-Abuse/Question-about-Relapsing/show/2215308#post_10632004

[clean_in_ks]

Kelly, it's not "mental maybe"....it mental FOR SURE!!  

I read the other day that that you were able to re-direct yourself the other day when normally on your lunch hr you would go see this 20 yr old friend and get pills but you didn't...you went shopping and got a pedicure instead.
That was FANTASTIC to read.....was very proud of you.

But today, I just now read your post on M's journal and it sounds like you're trying to talk yourself into/justify a relapse.  Going to 2 meetings yesterday was a great thing to do...how was the women's meeting?  Did you find at least ONE woman there that you could talk to or relate to?  Sharing this desire to get "a few pills to take to the beach" would help to diffuse your current thinking.  By opening up, in person, to another woman at one of these many meetings you are going to, would give you an opportunity to hear how other's in recovery have gotten thru their mental cravings.  I understand not wanting to share at first when you go....but it's been over 2 weeks that you said you've been attending meetings, right?  And you haven't shared with anybody before OR after the meeting either?  

We don't have to lose our jobs, our homes or our spouses...or "lose it all" in order to stay clean....in fact, our bottom can be whenever we look down...and decide we don't want to go there.

I am just hearing red flags again, Kelly.  You said this above about this 20 yr friend who is your pill contact, "i did tell my friend but if i want she will I'm just putting it out of my mind"

So you see, your addict brain KNOWS she will still give you pills whenever you want. That seriously would be the death of me if I didn't somehow CLOSE that long-term open door.  I hope you'll talk about this latest mental craving at a meeting soon.....and at least give someone in real life an opportunity to talk to you.

[kellygirll]

thank you guys it is really hard it is and I'm going to tons of meetings i went to two yesterday i love them they really help so much i did tell my friend but if i want she will I'm just putting it out of my mind and now i have so much more accountability if i relapse i have a lot of people to tell i could never keep a relapse to myself i don't think I'm to honest of a person and it would eat away at me and i would feel awful my husband would be crushed so i can't i just can't I'm thinking positive and telling myself how much its not worth it and it seems to be working right now thanks again for your never ending support this place and you people have saved me i want you to know that

[jugglin]

Keep up that support girl.  17 days is awesome!  Yes, tough when your supplier is a good friend.  Did you tell her you are done..to not give you anymore no matter how you plead?  You are doing great and we all know the thoughts that can go thru your mind, but I worry about you because it seems like such easy access...that's all.  Just don't wanna see you go down that path after your hard work.  Keep it up Kelly - you CAN BEAT this!!!
Prayers your way!

[Amandag78]

Hey Kelly, im sending you lots of positive thoughts today !!
Congratulations on being down to 1mg.
I jumped just below 1mg because i couldnt handle it anymore, so i know how your feeling right now.
Your doing so well and your very strong for sticking with your taper.
Well done, xx

[weaver71]

Yeah, that's tough. I have a supply too, it's a small world after all. I always said to myself, "The drugs just feel like they would help, but I know they won't." It's hard to remember that sometimes, just let them go. I remember my opiate divorce as clear as yesterday. It was awhile after I stopped spending any time with them. My heart finally broke, and I said goodbye on the deepest level. I'm over the divorce though, it hurt for a long time, but being independent turned out to be way better. I will no longer be possessed by opiates, I ain't nobodies biatch.

[kellygirll]

my supplier is one of my best friends for over 20 years i haven't spoken to her or texted her no contact at all but i know her number by heart so it a little different situation here i told her i can't have anything to do with her

[dominosarah]

Are you still in contact with a supplier?

[weaver71]

Below 2 mgs sub is when my mind started playing tricks on me. When I dropped to .5 was when I really felt it, I had planned to do .5 for longer, but I decided to jump as the withdrawal was kicking in anyway. Probably a bad choice, but it worked out. Having that "maybe next week I'll take some," is what I think is pushing the mental issues. If your brain feels any chance of getting what it wants, it will obsess on that. That is why it is important to cut sources and make it as hard and embarrassing as possible to score, from dealers or doctors. It sounds like you can just score some if you decide to, I think you brain is holding onto that hope and causing you distress. You've told your secret and have aftercare, cutting sources appears to be the only door to use you have left open. I may be wrong, but where are you gonna get pills next week? That concerns me, I hope you consider making it harder to get pills. Set yourself up for success, make your brain realize it is over for real.

[penny1974]

Hi Kelly girl. Great job on 17 days. Keep strong and don't cave. You have gotten this far and if you really want to be clean then you need to keep moving forward. Don't take a step back. I may be new to this but i do know it's hard and can be challenging.  We have to want it and not make excuses to use. You can do this. You have done good time under your belt. Good luck. Stay inspired.