Am I Being Unfair?

[mjean15]

So I just need some outside advice on this and can't or dont want some of the ppl in my life to know to much personal info...anyways so my bf and I have been together for almost 7 years. When we got together we were both sober but had addiction issues in the past.  Sure enough we started using together but through all the ******** there really was always a real relationship bc we've known eachother and been friends all through highschool.  Anyways we never blamed eachother or turned agaist eachother and finally when we were sick of it all moved away from home together and started over.  Fast forward 2 yrs and i find out im pregnant were both sober we get a house he has an awesome job things are just how we always wanted them to be. We work together well we always have and both love being parents...so an old friend from home came to visit and he ended up using with him.  He of course did not tell me and it was an isolated incident bc he does get drug tested at the clinic he goes to once a week and when he fails he has to pay for it so i know it was a one time thing.  I get it and im not even mad about that so much as im mad about him lying to me about it.  Of course i find out and now looking back he was acting weird about it all week and he says he felt bad but he was afraid to tell me bc i would flip out and he was dissapointed in himself.  We've talked about it now but still a week later I'm taking snotty digs at him about it.  I havent been perfect myself but ive always been up front and honest to him about it and thats what bothers me.  I just dont understand why even though weve talked about it and were fine now every few days i have this need to make him feel terrible about it and start a fight w him...am i just working out the anger i still have towards him for lying about it? bc im not really mad about slippping up bc he really has changed it all around for us and i stay home w the baby he has stepped up and takes good care of us and his responsibilites.  I just dont know why i keep it going like i do and i dont think its fair bc like isaid im not perfect either but something about dishonesty really eats away at me....any insight?

[mjean15]

Youre right I dont think its fair but not that I want to use but bc weve both been trying so hard to get bills paid off and I dont buy things that I want sometimes or do things I wanna do sometimes and I saw it as a aelfish thing...now though its like my bubble of bliss was popped and I just feel like im still.not over it I dont know it does have a lot to do with me and how I handle my streas and its hard bc if we both knew how to handle our feelings appropriatelynwe wouldnt have been addicts in the first place so I just have to work through that...and youre right I prob wouldnt have told him if it was the other way around...I dunno I guess I felt like we had to do this together and now we wont have the same amtnof sober time bc he slipped up and I dunno I really have to detach myself and my recovery from his and not blame him for my own issues but its hard...were not.fightimg anymore and things are back to being normal w him and his recovery im just still sad he couldnt come amd talk to me but if I knew I was walking into a war zone I wouldnt have said a thing about it either..I dunno its just hard life is hard theres some other things going on w me too so my mind lately has been on overdrive and I guess im not used to feeling so much and dont know how to handle it...thanks for all the advice it helps a lot

[msdelight]

Yes I have to agree with Sarah first thoughts, that this is more about you than him. Not jealousy so much, but now something has changed. In our addict brain we might use this as an excuse. You know, he did it, why can't I? So in your mind a little switch kinda flipped, and there's new facts to mess with your mind. I can almost see the little devil on your shoulder whispering in your ear, "it's just not fair! ". Be that as it may, you are the lucky one who is still going. Don't let this get you down or slip you up. Let it go. He messed up, he lied, he was weak. If the tables where turned, you may have not told him either. You must move on as a sober, loving couple. Forgive and forget. All the best and blessings to you both.

[VICourageous]

Hi
You got all kinds of great advise above.

I know that I am going on 30yrs of marriage and there are NO secrets or holding back anything we feel. WE have to talk and be honest about anything that is going on and needs to be addressed. My Hub will shine on some of the things I am saying because he has heard it over & over.

Give it to your God and trust that it all will work out. Just stay on the right path. I have this saying that says to be a Fountain and not a Drain. Learn to Build and not to Blame. I do wish you both the best and just keep it simple and truthful always.
Bless

[mjean15]

Yes!!!! That's kinda what he does like I've realisd that whn im angry or hurt i lash out to the fullest bc i want to make him feel as bad as im feeling and whn i get to that level i get real irrational and my mind takes me to some crazy places and the undrstanding lets talk it out person i usually am goes away and crazy town comes out and thats whn he shuts down he refuses to discuss it furthr bc hes ssaidd sorry for something he alreaady feels badly about and im making him feel worse...better communiation is needed on both sides...i am just so afraid of loosing the true happinss ive finally got.  Im afraid of regressing from the life we workd so hard to get to...and im afraid of loosing eachothr whn we've gonethru so many things already that usually break ppl apart...

[dominosarah]

Im glad you came on here and talked about this as it does mess with that trust issue.  You both know where you want to go with your lives so this bump in the road will work its way out.  When you feel like your emotions(the unhealthy ones!) are coming to the surface tell him what you are feeling and remove yourself from the situation.  I still have to do this as the one i live with refuses to partake in my bs and the more i try to get under his skin the more he will just ignore my rant or he will just let me know he knows what i am doing and i will have to play it by myself!!  lol

[mjean15]

Well that's one of the things he was saying that no matter if he told me before, after, or not at all I would bug out either way...and he's right.  But he did it and said he came home and was so close to telling me but then couldnt get it out bc of the huge fight it would cause.  So I do see his point and no i absolutely would not have done it with him even on the days that I think about it or feel like I want to I wouldnt go and actually do it bc i dont want to feel the way it makes me feel and like it and ruin how far I have come.  I think part of it too was that he was dissapointed in himself and yes sometimes my anger and hurt come out in a snobby i cant believe you did that tone so theres plenty i have to work on...its hard for me to let go of things sometimes and sometimes i think too much so thats why it helps to go on here and get input from other ppl...im so glad i found this...and no hes more of the i said sorry i explained what happened and why it happened but im not gonna keep saying it bc he doesnt like to drag the conversation on and on and on to the point of making no progress...and i will talk it out for daaaaaaaays lol...at this point weve had a few more conversations about it and were ok but its just something that scares me and bc of who we are its always going to scare me no matter how far away from our old ways we get ya know

[dominosarah]

When you go off on him does he tell you how sorry he is and how much you and your child mean to him?  The only reason i am asking is i used to do this.  It would feed my insecurities when the other person would tell me what i wanted to hear.  With all that i read this is about you, not him.  I am not excusing his using by any means but what's done is done and he wants to move on.  You 2 sound like you have a good relationship so work on building that to even a better level.

[Jerry198]

been married 28 years my wife and I have done a lot of dope back in the day I understand where you are coming from but an isolated incident let it go its kinda ok to run him through the ringer form a week but tell him how you feel once more then let it go or it will tear you so far down you might not recover.

On another note if he would have asked your permission what would you have said? or if he would have included you would you have done it??  

[mjean15]

Thanks guys,,,i think its more my own issues as to why i keep it going..not so much our issues together...i mean i think in a relationship you have to always be honest no matter what and add recovery to it and all the issues that come along w that and it can be hard sometimes...but its like for that moment all the good things and the progress weve made together erase from my mind and i can only focus on the problem at that moment and i beat it to death..and i guess i just want him to feel as upset as hes made me.  It could be a little jealousy in a way that im not even really aware of.  Im not afraid of him using again bc he knows he would loose everything and i know how important to him his family is but in a way i think were all afraid of using again bc addictin is such a sneaky monster that im afraid any mistakes will drive a wedge between us and im afraid of loosing what weve worked so hard for and im afraid of loosing what we have.  But if we and if I dont find better methods to deal with issues as they come then that's gonna happen reguardless.  Its a learning process ya know...thanks for the imput i was having a moment and wasnt sure how to deal

[pillguy]

I think having a relationship based on honesty and truthfulness is worth fighting for.  Lying to your partner because the truth is going to hurt damages the core of a relationship; respect and love.  Ask for sobriety, insist on honesty.  :-))

[Krissy_123]

I'd have to say yes,you are being unfair. If it was only the one time and he hasn't used again and is in a program and says he won't use again then yes being mean and bringing it up every few days isn't going to do anything but start causing your marriage some serious issues. If you're a recovered addict then you already know how much we hate ourselves for slipping up,having your spouse through it in your face every couple of days won't help. I'd sit down and think long and hard about what you're feeling and then talk to him calmy and rationally about it. OR just leave it if it's been dealt with. Are you scared he's going to start using again??

[jethro733]

*not to say that it wasn't a bad move him using I think I better add.  Just that the starting fights every few days doesn't seem to be in the spirits of re-conciliation that you said you had reached (and remembering it sounds like a two way street).

Off topic, one thing I've noticed in myself and many other 'addicts' I know is a movement of energy that is restless so to speak.  Imagine you're sitting in a boat on a calm lake. It's very tranquil, but after a few seconds getting bored/agitated and finding yourself wanting to throw a rock into the water.  A certain restlessness...  Just a random thought I'm throwing about, might be a common trait in addicts? I don't know really know.  I've only got my own experiences to go on and they are of course limited.  So take with a grain of salt.  

Hoping it all works out well :)

[TikkiTT]

I'm not experienced in the ways of addiction to the extent that I can comment very much on that, but I have been married for almost 50 years and in that time have had many ups and downs, and if I could give you any advice, I would say, let it go.   I would find a time when I could talk to him in a non confrontational manner and explain to him that his lack of honesty hurt you.   If you are being "snotty" to him....maybe you can understand why he worried that you would "flip out".   If he is a good man...husband, father...that is the most important thing.   Don't let issues drag on and eventually put a wedge between you.   You need to let him know that you will be there for him any time he needs you.   Don't let this become a pattern where you are constantly bickering and picking at him.   What's done is done.   He can't take it back, but you can both move on from this.

[jethro733]

This might sound odd, but I think it may be the jealousy of the addict thoughts coming out without you being consciously aware of it.  I'm not 100% certain or anything you know, it's not my thoughts we're talking about, but I'd consider that as a possibility.  Seeing as you are observing it as a slightly irrational response.