Admission of guilt...

[3Xs_U_R_Out]

I'm sure you all know I failed again since I stopped posting. I made it 52.5 hours and went to that Christmas party and used. I lied to you all. I felt like a zombie in a room full of normal happy people. I couldn't look people in the eye... I felt like they all knew. Like I had a big sign on my forehead that said..."hi, I'm withdrawaling from opiates right now". I took a small amount thinking oh this will stop withdrawals and I'll be fine. The thing is, it did stop it. But of course....I didn't stop there.
I've been using since and it's crept back up to almost the same level. So here I am with yet another plan.
I know I can do this.
So what's different? Last time I saved about 8 pills.
This time I will have none....no backup....no oh sh*t stash....nothing. No way to get more.
I'm at work this weekend and have enough to last me through that and that's it.
Come Monday... It's it. I've got to be done with this.
The hell of it is....it really wasn't so horrible physically last time . It was so bad mentally though. Now I fear that I've ruined things and the physical will be worse. I guess we shall see.
I've got to end this cycle. I'm tired of being a liar, a sneak, a bad mom , a bad wife, a bad person.
So anyway...I'm Sorry I keep letting you guys down.
You have the best advice and I know if I follow it, I will succeed. I'm cutting sources next week in order to make this end. I've got to tell ALL my doctors.
So that's it. I hope y'all are still with me and pulling for me.

[nursegirl6572]

You can choose whatever recovery path you feel will be suitable, however, just keep in mind that you had all of the same "reasons" why certain things weren't an option the last few times also.  You have to make changes.  Your prior plans have failed you.  You have to be willing to open your mind, get out of your comfort zone, ditch all of your preconceived notions about everything and just TRY.  You don't have to tell the world you're an addict.  Plenty of people go to various rehab programs who need to have their situation remain confidential.  There are doctors, lawyers, people in positions of power, police officers, you name it....seeking recovery.

What you've done up until now hasn't worked.  Time to erase the blackboard and start over.  You can't do that when you're finding a reasons why you "can't" do X, Y and Z.  You've pretty much eliminated most of your recovery options in one fail swoop.  You're not leaving yourself much of a choice here.

Hang in there....tomorrow you start over to regain your life.

Of course all of the above is not meant to be judgemental, just honest and straightforward.  I can tell you're starting to feel defensive based on the replies and your response.  No one here is judging you, and everyone here only wants to see you succeed, but to be honest, in order to properly help you, we have to tell you things you may not want to hear.

[tooter212]

I wish you did believe in God not only for someone to be with you every minute 24/7 to help and support you but for you soul as well. I can't imagine what it would be like for me without Him. It's still not easy by a long shot but I know I'm not alone. I talk to Him while I'm trying to go to sleep and to tired come to this site. I'm by no means judging you, my faith has been tried here lately. You can get clean without Him but it sure makes it easier to stay clean. God Bless and comfort you

[3Xs_U_R_Out]

Thanks OpenMind.
I have been worried about going for that but also at just who I might see there. This isn't exactly a large town I'm in.
But I suppose I could get over that.
I know I need aftercare. It's so weird to think I'm in this position. You just never think you'll get here. It's crazy.
I'm stressed and worried about tomorrow. I really think it's harder this time because there is no backup.
It was easier knowing I had a stash if I needed it or I could get X doctor to write. Ugh!
I know it's better this way...but...

[OpenMind24hours]

NA & AA are completely non-religious programs. We refer to "God" as our higher power. When I first got there the tables full of recovering addicts were my higher power. I have a good friend who has been clean for 22 years and doesn't believe in a higher power. It's pretty much take what you need and leave the rest when it comes to a higher power. The most important thing in those programs are changing our entire thinking process. If we don't change nothing changes. The people in our NA program are there because there was absolutely no where else to turn. It was either get help or die.

[3Xs_U_R_Out]

I'm aware they are "excuses". But I'm not flushing them and withdrawaling at work. It's crazy busy here, they need me and the days half over. I do not have a way to get more tomorrow. I will not use.  
I mean I really hate letting y'all down but it is what it is.
I hope you'll still lend me an ear and support when this all starts in the morning.
I'm sorry.

[msdelight]

In the most gentle and understanding way I just want to say, EXCUSES EXCUSES! Girl I work in hospital too, you can't call in I get that. But I have worked many shifts in a state of withdrawal and sickness. It's not pretty, it's not fun but hear me - it's can be done! What if you ran out yesterday? You still be at work today right? And you get through because you have to! The devil pills have wrapped chains round you, and you're locking the lock. Please honey, this crap is going to kill you. I'm praying for you.

[3Xs_U_R_Out]

And I thank every single one of you for your time, kind words, and support.
I truly do and it does help to be able to vent it out here. Even if some of the stuff I'm saying is just thoughts, it's great to get it out there...outta my head.

[3Xs_U_R_Out]

Well first ...the only reason I'm saying I'll start tomorrow is I'm at work today. No chance of going home sick or having called in sick. We are under strict instruction that any sick call ins require a doctors note for the holiday season. We get written up without it. Very big deal at a hospital. And I work until 730 tonight. Honestly I'd much rather have just gotten rid of them and started now. you can say its an excuse....but I can't work the rest of the day if i stop right now. So that's not changing.
The addict thoughts and constant excuses do drive me crazy though. I don't like the mental battle. THAT makes me feel weak. I AM ready to be done and take control. I used to be a strong willed person. These pills have taken that from me. I want to be strong willed and conquer problems and teach my child that as well.
I'm fully aware I need therapy. I wasn't raised with coping skills. My mom is an anxious nut. Every little thing is the end of the world to her. In our family you cover up your emotions by making drastic choices. You do the same thing in a different location and expect different results. I hate that about my mom...always swore I wouldn't be that way. Yet here I am doing the same thing slightly different ways and getting the same result.
This has to end.
Inpatient and outpatient treatment is not an option. I know that if I can get the detox out the way I can manage the aftercare part with therapy and perhaps meetings (that's a whole other scary thing).
Look I've thought about inpatient but there's just no way. Money is just not there. And I'm certainly not open to letting the whole world know I have this issue.
As I'm saying these things I know what some of you will say. It's addict talk. But I think there is a way to keep this just between my husband and I and a therapist and maybe NA. But I don't want our whole family knowing. I don't want my job knowing. My mother and brother know I've had issues in the past but not currently. Frankly it's better that way...my moms also a super enabler and lives far away anyways.
I'm rambling I'm sorry.
I'm trying to respond to all questions and statements.
Also, as far as a 12 step program...that one I can't accept. Only because it's so centered on Christianity. I know they say higher power, but it's all in the context if Christianity. And that's not who I am.
I suppose I could give it a try and place my own higher power in there. But it seems it'd be easier if there was a program catered to my beliefs. I don't know.
Anyway...I want this. I truly do.
I'm here at work. I'm going to make it through the day and start the end of this tomorrow. Well actually I'm going to call it starting a new beginning.
I 'll call my doctors tomorrow and tell them no more. Then my sources will be cut and I won't have a choice if I use or not. There will be no option.
This has to end. I don't want to go through this again in 2 years 5 years whatever.

[nursegirl6572]

You have gotten amazing advice here.

Things have to change for you in a big way, to prevent this cycle of relapsing to continue.  You're already struggling with some intense cravings, and technically, you haven't even started the detox process yet.

What about an inpatient program?  Something a little more intense, to give you a head start?  If you won't consider that, then I would highly recommend an aggressive, intense outpatient program.  You have the "want" to do this, which is important, but now you have to put the work into your recovery.  

You can GET clean, you've done it plenty of times before, it's STAYING clean that is the problem.  You cannot just walk away from the pills...you have to learn what you can about addiction, what drives YOU to use, and then you need to learn all about the stages of relapse, and what to do when you recognize that you're headed there.  

You also are letting your addict brain call the shots in a big way, you're still stuck in that cycle of saying "I'll start tomorrow".  "I'm just going to take these last 6 pills and THEN start."

You know that those last few pills aren't going to help you in any way, it's a mental thing.  You are just having a problem letting go, because it's scary.  All of your fellow addict pals here totally get that, but what they're saying is that by flushing those last few pills and taking control of the situation, it's a major accomplishment, a major victory, as far as that mindset goes.  Instead of starting your recovery out after you run out of pills, why not TAKE the power back and decide to start yourself, right now?  There will always be reasons why "tomorrow" is a better day.  Detox is certainly not convenient to withstand no matter what is going on in your life.  So, just throw your hands up and say "I'm done"...whether you have 1 pill left or 100.  That would be step one in saying to your addict mind, I'VE got the reigns now.

Cravings will be part of life for you, forever basically.  They will be non existent at times, and severe at other times.  You have to learn ways to cope with those, and accept that they're part of the disease of addiction.

You CAN do this as everyone has said, learn from everyone here.  They have been where you are, and have fallen down many times too.  Listen very carefully to them explaining what changes made the difference for them.  It's usually the same (or very similar) for everyone....sources, secrets, support....and apply that to your own recovery plan.  

There are MANY many ways to approach recovery, and it doesn't matter WHAT you choose as your path, whether it be a 12 step program, OP rehab, private counseling, etc...just that you choose a path and then stay ON it.  

Remember, addiction is a progressive disease, and TRULY, there are only three outcomes to an addiction.....death, jail or recovery.  That choice is pretty easy to pick, right?  Now, you just need to hunker down and start fighting the battle.  Set yourself up for success.  

Very best to you, you're in my thoughts and prayers.

[ROSYouralright]

Its scary and it **** but the fear of wd's actually make it much worse! Try and think of the positive aspects of quitting.. N/A meetings may be just what you need right about now! NO DOUBT that YOU CAN DO THIS!!

[msdelight]

Sorry. I meant freedom awaits! Once you take that final leap you will no longer be a slave to the pills. They now control every aspect of your life. You can't even consider morning coffee, grooming, greeting the family without them. Believe me I've been there! Girl this is so doable and you can do this! You won't believe how good it feels! You'll be sick for a little bit but so what? It's so worth the price of admission! Flush those damn things and take your life back! Join the party we set a place for you!

[msdelight]

Freedl

[ariley13]

It is hard. You can do this though. I can tell that you are really ready to be done with all of the craziness that goes along with using. Unfortunately our addict brains fight us and tell any lie or excuse to keep us using. That's why the after care is so important. We have to relearn how to think, how to do everything clean and in a healthy way. I know it's scary even considering the idea of flushing your pills or cutting your sources. Just know that if you still have access to the pills, tomorrow will come, you will be desperate and without, and you will find a way to use. You can do this!! I have faith in you. Keep talking and venting. We are here for you and want to see you make it through this.

[3Xs_U_R_Out]

I'm sure it has to do with the whole no backup plan thing.
The only thoughts running through my head are how to get more. Ugh! I'm going crazy! Thinking stupid horrible things. I'm worried its going to be worse cuz I screwed up. I'm wishing I had one more good high. How stupid!?! Ugh!
I have 6.5 pills lefts. Technically that's plenty for today, but I wish I had more.
I would say ill flush what's left, but I'm sure I'll take all those today and I'll wake tomorrow with none. I'm so ready for this to be over in many ways, but it's like my brain is fighting me working against me. Agh!
It's so freaking hard!

[ariley13]

I know it's scary, but you can do this! Have you flushed any pills you had around and cut your sources yet? I know that's very scary too because you are doing away with any back up plan. Trust me when I say it has to happen or it will come back and bite you in the butt every time. Once you cut off any way to get them it will make it easier to move forward. Not only will you be empowered, you will also not constantly have it in your head that a pill is right around the corner 'if things aren't going well'. Then you can focus on you and your recovery. Please keep posting. We are here for you and we have all been down the relapse road.

[msdelight]

Take a deep breath and tell me what you're afraid of.  <3

[3Xs_U_R_Out]

I was way more excited about quitting before than now.im nervous scared and feel like I'm in panic mode. Help!

[OpenMind24hours]

I just was glancing through your thread. You will do good with what I hear from you. You have the willingness. You're lucky, this is the 2nd time for you. It took me 3 times to get it right- so far, one day at a time. Each WD sux a little more!  
What jumped out at me in your writings was "how do you tell a person your whole life story"? I'm in both NA and AA and I've done just that a few times now. We have a 4th step: "We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." When we get clean it's the start of a new way of living. This inventory is the step that helps us to remove the burdens and traps that have controlled us and prevented our growth. The real deal happens when we do the 4th and then the 5th step. That's when we find someone we trust and read our 4th step inventory to them. For me it's like a weight lifted off of my shoulders when I do this. It's cleansing and it renews my resolve to really keep changing for the better. So never fear what you're about to do with your counselor. This is really going to change you, and this is what you want for staying clean and enjoying life at the same time. If we don't change, nothing changes. You can actually achieve a point in your recovery where the thought of using becomes far away and remote. I wish you the best recovery.

[mutty188]

I relapsed for almost 3 months. Same story: I had a stash. I lasted a month, but it was lucky because I had few real stressors. As soon as the first big stressor hit me, boom, back to daily use before I knew it.

Addiction stinks. You learned things from your relapse that you can use now to make a clean break. If you can't quit now, at least, try to taper and tell everyone you've got the flu or bad allergies or something.

[3Xs_U_R_Out]

Would have been better off**
If I didn't haven them I would not have had the issue.
I guess you live and learn though.

[3Xs_U_R_Out]

The thing is when it came to going to that Christmas party....I told my husband I didn't think I could do it....said that multiple times...but he thought it would be good to get out and so did I and others. But I should've listened to my heart. I knew cuz I had them I was considering using.
Had I not had the pills, I wouldn't been better off.ugh!

[VICourageous]

Yes indeed..This Journey into our Recovery was not meant to be walked alone. I too went every day for over a Year. The things in my Life came crashing and I reached out for more help in my 15th month..I told EVERYBODY when I first came clean..We have to set up those Boundaries..My DR is one of my best Support ever. It is not about "Willpower" or being "Weak" This is a Brain disease and there is a Part of the Brain called the Midbrain (Survival) part that likes to play that "I feel good" or just "One" tape over & over again. Maybe look up the "Disease of Addiction and the Pleasure Pathway beyond Willpower". This info was some that really helped me understand more besides ALL my outside support. My Doctor gets a kick out of me talking and asking questions about this all that happens in the Brain & Body..I wish you the best and try NOT to go around any People, Places or Things where people are using. This can be a big bad Trigger.
Bless

[ariley13]

I agree with IBK. I went to counseling for almost a year and it was great. It's important to find someone you are comfortable with and trust. They will build that trust and ease you into it. It's not like you go the first day and tell all. I think this is definitely something you should look into. It feels good to have an objective person listen to you and help you see things in a different light. You also will learn coping skills and tools that you will use for the rest of your life.

[IBKleen]

You are off to a great start telling your doctors. That's wonderful.

When I first got clean way back when I went into counseling. I spent 1 day a week for 3 years. It is way hard in the beginning but after I felt safe it came easier. That lady helped me so much I can't even begin to tell you. I still use the tools today. I think it would be healthy for you to at least give it a try. You have nothing to lose.