5392063 tn?1390319154

Admission of guilt...

I'm sure you all know I failed again since I stopped posting. I made it 52.5 hours and went to that Christmas party and used. I lied to you all. I felt like a zombie in a room full of normal happy people. I couldn't look people in the eye... I felt like they all knew. Like I had a big sign on my forehead that said..."hi, I'm withdrawaling from opiates right now". I took a small amount thinking oh this will stop withdrawals and I'll be fine. The thing is, it did stop it. But of course....I didn't stop there.
I've been using since and it's crept back up to almost the same level. So here I am with yet another plan.
I know I can do this.
So what's different? Last time I saved about 8 pills.
This time I will have none....no backup....no oh sh*t stash....nothing. No way to get more.
I'm at work this weekend and have enough to last me through that and that's it.
Come Monday... It's it. I've got to be done with this.
The hell of it is....it really wasn't so horrible physically last time . It was so bad mentally though. Now I fear that I've ruined things and the physical will be worse. I guess we shall see.
I've got to end this cycle. I'm tired of being a liar, a sneak, a bad mom , a bad wife, a bad person.
So anyway...I'm Sorry I keep letting you guys down.
You have the best advice and I know if I follow it, I will succeed. I'm cutting sources next week in order to make this end. I've got to tell ALL my doctors.
So that's it. I hope y'all are still with me and pulling for me.
37 Responses
1416133 tn?1351123217
Why not start today?
Avatar universal
No time like the present! We love flushing parties around here!
Avatar universal
3, I know the feeling, If I had of had them I would have used too. But I didn't and couldn't get any and now I'm at 2 1/2 months!!! It is so worth it. Don't put yourself in places you think will be to hard not to use. Let your sobriety be the first and foremost in your mind. If you don't quit today you'll be in the same boat 20 yrs form now or dead. If you do quit today not telling where you'll be or what you will be able to do!! The choice is yours. We're here to help. You can do it with the help of God and this site. keep posting and God Bless
5986700 tn?1380791380
Whoosh!......... Flush! .......you can do this.  We're all still with ya!
5347058 tn?1381188426
I'm glad to see you back and that you have a new plan. Getting rid of your stash and cutting your sources is a must! I agree with the above posters, no time like today. If you put it off until Monday, then you may just talk yourself into putting it off longer. Our addict brains will tell any lie or excuse to keep us using. Good luck to you and please keep posting and keep us updated. You can do this!!
6901082 tn?1387721276
I am you.   I guess we all are more alike than we think.   Went a week,  used a week,  felt guilty, felt a failure.   Now I'm 15 days the second time.   The mental part of this is worse I think.   The mind is a powerful thing and on a drug it's a dangerous powerful thing.   Please try again.   The people here will get you through. They are getting me there,  to a new, wonderful life.   Best of luck.   You can do this you know.  
271792 tn?1334979657
What do you think you will do differently to STAY clean?
5429734 tn?1379741413
I agree with everyone else I would flush them and start today. You can do this we are all here rooting for you!
5549258 tn?1449083082
give them to me..haha.. im just joking, Its Poison, There is something about opiates that is so Insidious its unbelievable, Flush, becuase trust, you can and will be so much better waking up w/o pills on your mind!!  im on day 9 from 30/60 mg of oxy a day and its not the first thing on my mind when i wake up, same will go for you, cant give a time frame but it will happen and you can do it ;D
5392063 tn?1390319154
I'm not starting today because I'm at work. I cannot take off.
I work a 12 hour shift today and tomorrow. Then I'm off Monday through Thursday. I can call in sick next weekend if need be. But we are under strict instruction of not calling of sick through end of December or will be written up. Plus I need the money after the holiday.
5392063 tn?1390319154
Sorry to disappoint with the lack of a flushing party
IBK...this time I'm getting rid of the stash. And telling ALL my docs.
I'm not lying to myself thinking that telling one doctor will work when the truth is I have 3 doctors. They ALL have to know...no more opiates for me.
Telling people...frankly is one of the hardest parts of this for me. It's hard to admit that's you are weak...that you lied...that you need help.
5392063 tn?1390319154
Also...I really want to go to counseling. But I'm afraid.
Anyone have experience with going to a therapist for the first time ever in their lives? I'm just afraid to tell some person my whole life story with all my faults....to admits all wrongs I've done.
How do you just do that? I don't know but I do know I need it. I do feel that if I could talk to someone about everything, it would be really helpful.
Anyone wanna share their stories with me about first visits to therapy?
6901082 tn?1387721276
It's not weak.  I have been reading and even doctors know it is not about a persons will power etc.  It's a mind, physical DRUG.  It controls until we are finally tired enough.  Please try.  Admitting was one my hardest things.  Funny, once it's out of your mouth the first time, it's easier.  It's nothing to be ashamed of either.  Read the articles  on here too.  They are really informative about the substance. and it's effect of our bodies and minds.  The people will get you through it.  
271792 tn?1334979657
You are off to a great start telling your doctors. That's wonderful.

When I first got clean way back when I went into counseling. I spent 1 day a week for 3 years. It is way hard in the beginning but after I felt safe it came easier. That lady helped me so much I can't even begin to tell you. I still use the tools today. I think it would be healthy for you to at least give it a try. You have nothing to lose.
5347058 tn?1381188426
I agree with IBK. I went to counseling for almost a year and it was great. It's important to find someone you are comfortable with and trust. They will build that trust and ease you into it. It's not like you go the first day and tell all. I think this is definitely something you should look into. It feels good to have an objective person listen to you and help you see things in a different light. You also will learn coping skills and tools that you will use for the rest of your life.
4522800 tn?1470325834
Yes indeed..This Journey into our Recovery was not meant to be walked alone. I too went every day for over a Year. The things in my Life came crashing and I reached out for more help in my 15th month..I told EVERYBODY when I first came clean..We have to set up those Boundaries..My DR is one of my best Support ever. It is not about "Willpower" or being "Weak" This is a Brain disease and there is a Part of the Brain called the Midbrain (Survival) part that likes to play that "I feel good" or just "One" tape over & over again. Maybe look up the "Disease of Addiction and the Pleasure Pathway beyond Willpower". This info was some that really helped me understand more besides ALL my outside support. My Doctor gets a kick out of me talking and asking questions about this all that happens in the Brain & Body..I wish you the best and try NOT to go around any People, Places or Things where people are using. This can be a big bad Trigger.
5392063 tn?1390319154
The thing is when it came to going to that Christmas party....I told my husband I didn't think I could do it....said that multiple times...but he thought it would be good to get out and so did I and others. But I should've listened to my heart. I knew cuz I had them I was considering using.
Had I not had the pills, I wouldn't been better off.ugh!
5392063 tn?1390319154
Would have been better off**
If I didn't haven them I would not have had the issue.
I guess you live and learn though.
Avatar universal
I relapsed for almost 3 months. Same story: I had a stash. I lasted a month, but it was lucky because I had few real stressors. As soon as the first big stressor hit me, boom, back to daily use before I knew it.

Addiction stinks. You learned things from your relapse that you can use now to make a clean break. If you can't quit now, at least, try to taper and tell everyone you've got the flu or bad allergies or something.
Avatar universal
I just was glancing through your thread. You will do good with what I hear from you. You have the willingness. You're lucky, this is the 2nd time for you. It took me 3 times to get it right- so far, one day at a time. Each WD sux a little more!  
What jumped out at me in your writings was "how do you tell a person your whole life story"? I'm in both NA and AA and I've done just that a few times now. We have a 4th step: "We made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves." When we get clean it's the start of a new way of living. This inventory is the step that helps us to remove the burdens and traps that have controlled us and prevented our growth. The real deal happens when we do the 4th and then the 5th step. That's when we find someone we trust and read our 4th step inventory to them. For me it's like a weight lifted off of my shoulders when I do this. It's cleansing and it renews my resolve to really keep changing for the better. So never fear what you're about to do with your counselor. This is really going to change you, and this is what you want for staying clean and enjoying life at the same time. If we don't change, nothing changes. You can actually achieve a point in your recovery where the thought of using becomes far away and remote. I wish you the best recovery.
5392063 tn?1390319154
I was way more excited about quitting before than now.im nervous scared and feel like I'm in panic mode. Help!
Avatar universal
Take a deep breath and tell me what you're afraid of.  <3
5347058 tn?1381188426
I know it's scary, but you can do this! Have you flushed any pills you had around and cut your sources yet? I know that's very scary too because you are doing away with any back up plan. Trust me when I say it has to happen or it will come back and bite you in the butt every time. Once you cut off any way to get them it will make it easier to move forward. Not only will you be empowered, you will also not constantly have it in your head that a pill is right around the corner 'if things aren't going well'. Then you can focus on you and your recovery. Please keep posting. We are here for you and we have all been down the relapse road.
5392063 tn?1390319154
I'm sure it has to do with the whole no backup plan thing.
The only thoughts running through my head are how to get more. Ugh! I'm going crazy! Thinking stupid horrible things. I'm worried its going to be worse cuz I screwed up. I'm wishing I had one more good high. How stupid!?! Ugh!
I have 6.5 pills lefts. Technically that's plenty for today, but I wish I had more.
I would say ill flush what's left, but I'm sure I'll take all those today and I'll wake tomorrow with none. I'm so ready for this to be over in many ways, but it's like my brain is fighting me working against me. Agh!
It's so freaking hard!
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