Aftercare

[Reign30]

I've been on this board for years and years.  I've never sought aftercare like most people suggest.  I've tried to go a to few meetings and they depress me more than it was uplifting.  I can go weeks to months without taking these, but once i take one, it becomes a full blown addiction again.

I don't know the underlying issues for relapse.  Maybe it's because i'm all alone.  I work and then i go home to my empty room.  I'm a transplant, and i don't have people around to support me.  Just more addicts like me.  When i know i don't do it...the day seem so long and i struggle with why i work so hard and not get anything out of it.  I don't enjoy anything in life when i'm sober..nothing holds my interest for more than a few days.  It's like i don't know what to do with myself.

I want to be active and physical, but the reason i fell into this in the first place is that i have a bad back. some days it hurts just getting out of bed.

People will say come here and you guys will be my support.  But i don't want to sit in front of a computer all day.  I do that enough at work.

Anyone in my boat, can you tell what it is that keeps you sober. what is it that you do that makes you not use?

[Reign30]

So i spend the whole weekend with everyone i love and should be thankful the bounty and family and i could think of "I wouldn't missed this and in a couple of years", they won't either.  Its not depression, i was laughing and having a good time because everyone seem a bit happy..but that was just that...it wears away and i'm back to feeling the same way.  Something i can't shake.  My parents are still alive and it's only motivation i have.  I don't want them to bury me.

[gnarly_1]

HI when we use for a long time we forget what makes us happy and im with the other posters it sound to me like you are suffering clinical depression
and an antidepressant might get you out of this rut .....it took me a long time to start to feel gold again it was 90 days till I seen the first glimmer of light then around 6mo from there to get better I took A/D meds and they helped
find a new doctor and give them a shot you dont have to live this way good luck and God bless.....Gnarly

[Bkitty]

~Dont give up!! I felt the exact same as you EXACTLY!! I felt "whats the point of ,,,anything" I actually planned my death at one point. That scared me. Thats NOT normal. I have since learned that the pills and alcohol have jacked up my dopamine and all kinds of things in my brain. I had to be placed on an AD because I couldnt function. Its NOT all my fault and this isnt all YOUR fault either,,its the drugs Reign. Ive only been sober 12 days,,Ive quit lots of times before. I have to change my whole life I mean every freaking thing in it. It *****,,but until I get used to my new "normal" I have no other choice and I dont want to die or give up. (or you either!!) Please try another doctor ask about an AD,,,honestly it has helped so much and I started it last week,,,and when I feel strong again and my dopamine is functioning right I can be weaned off. We deserve this,,we have been in HELL. We deserve this. You do too. Since when has addiction ever "won"? Keep us posted!! I wish you the best!~ Bkitty

[avisg]

reign,
There is a light at the end of that tunnel its just finding your way .anti depressant are not addicting that I am aware of. I would find a doctor that would listen to what you are saying .I think the depression is what is keeping you from your light . Plz keep trying try a new doctor and a new therapist do give up . You deserve happiness and I wanna see you achive it .
:)

[Reign30]

tried that, i wanted to know the underlying reason why i keep relapsing.  Today i took a t3 because of a toothache and the morning went by so fast.  Usually around noon, i'm hoping it's three...so i can just go home and sleep or go drown myself at happy hour.

this is usually about the longest i go without taking anything in the last 5 years.  I know abou the depression and did ask for some help about that, but my doc is afraid to give me anything that will get me hooked.  even a non-narcotic that i use to help with W/D's, i started abusing that.

problem is that i don't see the light. not sure what will ever make me see it...been looking for the past 10 years and nothing in sight.

[avisg]

Meetings might not be the right choice for you .There not for everyone that do so try a different route .A therapist or a addiction therapist .Where its one on one and it may be the best for you .It has work out GREAT for me /
You have done wonerfully so find the fit that works for you and keep on taking it day by day.
avis

[dominosarah]

Have you thought about going to the doctor and getting on some AD meds?  Depression is a huge issue for us and many times we need something to get us over this hump.

YOU are the reason to keep fighting.  There really is a life out there.  I know how you are feeling and is suks the big one but dont ever give up hope.  Once you start feeling good about yourself the other things you do will make you feel good.  I know you got some fight left in you.

Congrats on 6 months clean!!!  That is a huge accomplishment!  Have you read anything on PAWS?  That is in the health pages here.  Check it out.

[Reign30]

I know it's a rut.  I change my routine everytime when i decide it's time to go clean.  But no matter what i do, somewhere i would run into someone, or something that makes me use.
It's always a vice that peaks my interest, nothing good i do makes me happy.  

I've been clean for about six months...hoping with the new tv fall season and football, i can keep myself happy.  But just last week, sitting alone in my room and i wonder why i do all of this for.  what's the point of fighting when there isn't anything to fight for?  I seriously wanted to just walked down to the beach and keep walking to i drown myself.

I didn't suffer from depression before, yes i was drinking and doing dumb things, but i was just a kid.  Now, i'm in my mid 30's and I do is work and then go home.  People say find a hobby, and i've tried, i've gone hiking, help out with senior citizens...go on dates...but none of those good things ever make me feel good.

i watch those end of the world movies and tv shows and i struggle to feel why they fight on.  

[dominosarah]

Hi......Sounds like you have chosen to stay in the rut you are in.   Getting clean requires alot of work and we have to step out of our comfort zone.  It seems all you are really doing right now is just existing, not really living.  It is scary, real scary but we have to take those first steps.  Usually we hold back due to our insecurities and our past demons.  Meetings are not always for everyone, you tried them and they didnt work out.  There are other forms of recovery care, addiction specialists, therapists etc. Dont let fear hold you down any longer.  You deserve to start living as you are worth it~~sara

[Rich99]

""" I've tried to go a to few meetings and they depress me more than it was uplifting"""...you've hit on the reason you backslide.    You would get the face to face emotional and other kinds of support it takes to have the best chance of remaining drug free.    Isolation is painful in itself.