Hoping for help/encouragement - Tramadol and Hydrocodone withdrawals while pregnant

[FrauBennett]

Hi! My name is Jamie, I am 32 years old and have been addicted to painkillers off and on for about 3 years. I have a 2 and 3 year old and my addiction began after my first pregnancy. I was prescribed Hydrocodone for post-partum pain due to tearing. I know now that I had severe post partum depression and the pills were about the only things that made me feel better. I got pregnant again 3 months later and quit taking drugs immediately.  My addiction went full blown after his birth. I had another bad bout of PPD and tearing and used the pills to cope instead of seeking professional help. After that, I had many teeth problems and chronic severe headaches and chronic anemia which landed me prescription after prescription of narcotics. At first I had no tolerance and one pill would be enough. After a while I was taking 1 1/2 then 2 and up from there. At my most I was taking 60-80mg of hydro or oxy a day. I also had access to pharmacy size bottles of the stuff through work (not ethically) and through relatives with chronic pain conditions who would give me a few from time to time. Somehow I managed to have a steady supply without ever having to go through a drug dealer. I justified to myself that I needed to function and that was the only way. I have a 2 and 3 year old and an upper management job and my husband works full time too so I am always under a lot of pressure. First world problems I know. I ran out of Vicodin and Percocet a month ago and finally decided to confide in my doctor after going through 24 hours of serious withdrawal. She had no clue what to do to help me and literally looked up the protocol from drug withdrawal online. I asked for a taper and she said she didn't trust me, and that was a hard thing to hear. She sent me with scripts for Valium, promethazine, and Motrin to help me through but also sent me to the ER because the headache I had was two days long and excruciating (I was crying it hurt so bad.) I came clean to my husband and we got through it. I was feeling pretty good for a few weeks but had to get a root canal which ended in a Percocet prescription.  I fell off the wagon again. Soon after I got a script from my hematologist for Tramadol and was taking up to 9 (50mg) tabs per day. Towards the end of this prescription I found out that I am pregnant. I quit the Tramadol immediately and went through the worst withdrawals I have ever experienced-way worse than from hydro/oxy. I was worried for my life because the anxiety I felt and the horrible thoughts I was having but I had some Vicodin laying around so took those sparingly to help me through the Tramadol withdrawal.  I am now completely off of drugs except Tylenol. It has been three days since my last pill. I am 6 weeks pregnant and I believe I'm still experiencing the withdrawals from these drugs in addition to regular pregnancy symptoms. I feel horrible, my head hurts constantly from TMJ issues, I am soooo tired I could sleep all day, and I am so scared that I am never going to be myself again. I am a good person and I had pure intentions at the beginning but got so off track and I don't know how. I pray to God every day that the discomfort of my life eases up and that I am strong enough to survive without the pills to help me but it has been the hardest thing I've ever done. I gave birth naturally with no drugs with both of my boys and have never believed in drugs as a cure yet here I am, sobbing over my words in a brain fog inside a body that I've ruined with chemicals wishing I had one pill to ease my discomfort tonight. I don't want to be this way any more. I want to be myself again, I want to be happy and free of pain. I am afraid because I have chronic headaches that are debilitating and I do have legitimate reasons for these medications but I have no control over myself and abuse them. I am afraid I will either be a drug addict or in pain for the rest of my life and honestly right now I don't know which is worse. My children need me and my husband needs me. Anyway, I am sorry for the long post but have found these forums to be so helpful through my withdrawals and through the ups and downs that I figured I should finally tell my story, because no one really knows the truth about my addiction or what I'm going through right now. Any advice or encouragement is greatly appreciated. Thank you for listening.

[jifmoc]

Hi, we say this to every addicted pregnant woman that comes on here: tell your obgyn ASAP. Be honest or you could have a real problem, CPS involvement. You have been addicted for a long time and need help. Please get into aftercare asap. Go to NA or AA meetings. They've heard it all. You've been spinning too long and don't have to live like this. Do NOT alter your intake of opiates before you see your doctor. Anything you do, your baby feels. Very dangerous. Good luck.

[Believe_in_yourself]

You will, keep up the good attitude! Just weather the storm, your only sea sick till you firmly plant back on solid ground! Just know this too shall pass! Grab your life back, it's yours and you are here on earth for a reason as is each of us! Keep posting for support! Take care

[EG70]

Hi Jamie, I hope you were able to read my response to your post on my post. It came out almost unreadable because of my ipad, I just want you to know you are not alone, I am feeling the same as you. I hope we can get through this.

[Believe_in_yourself]

Dear Frau. Welcome to this wonderful community. You have a very complicated situation there. Wow, you have your hands full with work, children, husband, and this addiction! I can only say I'm praying for you and take this one day at a time. I promise you that you will get your mind and body back if you don't use anymore. You have to want this bad for yourself, your sweet innocent children, and your husband! I hope he will support you because it sure helps as you will find out. Just know people here care and will be along to help. I just went thru the physical withdrawals and had to dig deep, I'm talking real deep, to make it thru cause your body just wants relief. I kept a picture of my daughter that died right next to me in bed, the bathroom, my truck, my phone and that helped me in just realizing how short this life can be. Girl, you can do this! God has blessed you with a job, a husband, and beautiful kids!! He has a plan for you. Just do not use. One day at a time! Don't give up, you are loved and God has watched over you to this day. Pray, for he will not forsake you. Now is your time to take back your life, you have another blessing growing inside you! Maybe that's Gods way of telling you...time to stop? Best wishes, good luck, and prayers your way. Just hang in there! Others more qualified will be along for support and advice! Keep posting!

[FrauBennett]

Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement! I have read your response several times and it has really struck a chord and made me want to do this even more. God works mysteriously and sometimes not so mysteriously. I see this pregnancy as a sign and hopefully with His strength and the baby's health to motivate me I will make it through and get myself back.