Am I right????

[Uneasy_wife]

My husband - a man I've known for more than 1/2 my life- has a history of abusing Ultram, but has not used that drug for 4 years.  He quit using on his own and I have felt like be really didnt address his addiction fully despite his insistence he wanted to do it on his own and not burden anyone.  I have just felt like the addiction was alway still lingering in he background.

He has had surgery recently and been talking pain meds for 4 months. He stopped using hydrocodone cold turkey last week because he felt like he was developing a "need" for it to "get going in the morning and I'm tired of feeling this way". He was going thru WD - weepy, cold, sleepy, malaise- when his mother became very ill and hospitalized this week.  The second nite of her hospitalization he took hydrocodones from her purse without asking or telling anyone.  I confronted him and he said he had enough on his plate, doing the best he can, couldn't handle being sick from WD while dealing with hospitalization of mother.

I feel like he is not as strong as he thinks he - I hid the pills, asked him to get help, talk to his dr who is handling his drug management and is aware of his addiction history.  I got angry resistance. I don't want to make "a mountain out of a mole hill" which is what he said I was doing.  Crucifying him, he faulters once and I'm quick to point out his mistake he says.  "I'm fine, it's my problem, I'll deal with it"

I just would like feedback - I don't feel like I'm making too much of this situation. I'm scared that he has less control over himself as he would like to think.  Is it time to insist on counseling/treatment?  I feel badly for him, but don't want to be too soft and ignore things that shouldn't be ignored...he used pills that didnt belong to him when he was stressed instead of sticking out the rest of the WD....should I be worried????? What do I do?

[Uneasy_wife]

So thankful for feedback. Your statement of I versus we is very powerful and struck a chord with me.  Even though I have lived wih someone with an addiction for several years I still feel so very removed from what he is experiencing.  Your insight is invaluable.

[weaver71]

His quote above is exactly why we say addiction is an I thing and recovery is a we thing. If he choses not to talk to another addict for help, that's his short coming, not yours. We don't think it's a burden to help other addicts, so this is an anonymous place he can reach out to people who understand. Have him private message me if he doesn't trust the open forum. Let him know an offer is on the table, his call. Immediate family is rarely enough.

I am a good man and my family loves me a lot, but if I hadn't quit, I would have lost them. It was my choice. I've worked on foreign missions, volunteered to help orphans and widows all my life, I am the first to help a neighbor, none of that mattered after I took enough opiates for long enough. My family and friends are glad I am back, and so am I. Addiction is not a character defect, it is a symptom of other disease. Most addicts are great people, I think our big hearts make us want to escape. Anyway, let him know that there are a bunch of us who are willing to help and share our story of how we did it. Keep us posted.

[Uneasy_wife]

His mother is still in hospital but improving.  I neglected to point out she has a history of pill addiction as well and is staying with us...husband died two years ago, she's depressed, needy and dependent.  This has brought a lot of stress and self reflection to the table - now his childhood problems are living in his house...

I appreciate the points of not nagging - I waffle between what is nagging and what is concerned questioning.  His privacy I feel sometimes leads to my suspicions, feeling like deception is takin place.  He admitted to stealing pills  from family members During the ultram addiction. Accused me last night of calling him a thief...later admitted taking them wasn't right.  Such a fine line I feel like I am walking - want to be a support , need to be informed of how he's feeling - don't want to be a nag and push him away.  

"You obviously don't understand addiction and you don't understand me,". No, guess I don't but I want to try...

I hid the pills.  He doesn't have anymore.  He is a good man and much loved by his family. He's been so strong on his own. I just don't want to see us all suffer again.

[weaver71]

Opiates are very sneaky, I think he is in denial, nobody is stronger than those drugs. He may not be totally out of control yet, but his reason for pain meds, stress, is addiction thinking. Nobody is prescribed pain meds for a broken heart or stress about another sick family member. If enough hard times come in a row, he may find himself completely out of control. I think mentioning your concern was wise, pushing him won't help though. You have to wait and see if he chooses to get help. If so, support him all the way, if keeps using, I can say I have yet to meet an actively using addict keep their marriage and life in order. I actually told my wife to leave me if this last attempt to quit failed. I can really see how my addiction was everyone's problem, but only O could find the solution. I hope he doesn't chose to keep using, for everyone's sake.

[Merri123]

Is his Mother still in the hospital ? Has he stopped taking them again?  It is hard to say what someone will do.

I am slot like him. My personal a stuff is not for anyone else to know. I will do it on my own. I am not a talker about my feelings etc. counseling is awkward for me.

You just have to see what happens too. Tell him you love and support him. Want him well. Afraid of going back to him using again like before. You are hear for him.  Sometimes accusing and "nagging" makes it worse.

If he wants to quit he will. He knows what to do. You can't force it. The fact he noticed in his own and decided to do it is a good thing.