Anger and Isolation

[limodan73]

HI guys. To all that don't know me, I've been on and off this site since 08. I've gone as long as a year clean.  As I know, some will take my inability to stay clean as a weakness, and blame me for not trying  other things. Really don't give a rats arse about that right now.  I had 7 days clean, went to pick up my AD's and forgot I had a script sitting there. And, low and behold, back at day one. I feel stupid even complaining about this, considering whats happened recently on here. (Again, my heart and prayers go to her and her hubby). But I can't seem to shake this. Even with the AD's I keep having bouts of rage, sadness, uselessness.. I guess I better explain that a bit better. Unfourtunately, I have to live with probably my biggest trigger. The mother of my kids. Just saying that I can feel my blood pressure go up, chems start to ignite, etc...etc. Ugh. I know its stupid, but those who really know me. View me as the me before her, and the me after her. Add to that I recently found out I have even more degenerative diseases that will cuase me ridiculous amounts of pain. And I find myself with thoughts I haven't felt in a long long time.  I don't know, just seems like I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't.  I know the phrase, never quit quiting!  But, at what point do you just say fcuk it?  Please, I guess I'm just looking for some support. Really don't know anyone on here anymore. And I have utterly and completely isolated myself.... because I always thought I was doing the right thing by my kids. Had SO many tell me she would lead me into oblivion.  And now I'm here, and it *****. Hate myself right now.

[butterbean841]

Hi There

On2better is right...please don't be discouraged. "The only failure that lacks dignity is the failure to try". Here you are my friend....trying again.
Well done and just yell if you need anything. x

[ariley13]

I too have been going through the peaks and valleys of emotion. Putting on the headphones and letting the music take you away can be a lifesaver. I do it all of the time. Hang in there, and know that you are not alone.

[On2better]

Hey there, I just wanted to say don't be discouraged by your relapse. We are addicts and that's part of the story for so many of us. I am also getting clean (again). Don't be afraid. Put as much effort in your recovery as you did in your using and you will make it. Good luck friend.

[limodan73]

Hi everyone,  wanted to chime in and let everybody know I'm still holding tough. The peaks and vallies are killing me. Just today, had a tiny glimmer of REAl happy feeling (been dead to these for so long).  My youngest and my nephew were dancing to a song I played in my truck. Couldn't help but smile... was nice. But, unfortunately when I got home, had to face my walking talking living trigger. And.... after a couple hours of that. I spiralled down... down.. down.  Ugh.  But, got the ear buds in,  set the kids up with a Movie. And drifting off into my music.  Hope everyone is doing ok.

[Nighthawk61]

Congrats on the 3 days L Dan ~ sorry to hear that your relationship is not good. It sounds like it would help your kids a great deal, at this time, if you and your wife got some counseling. You mentioned that your child was having problems in school, and i'm sure that it would come out in therapy that he or she was being negatively affected by the in house fighting.  I grew up with "fighting" and all four of us kids were incredibly affected, long into our adult years. Our parents were both involved, it didn't matter to us what the fighting was about, (who was wrong or right) and in the end, our parent's were both blamed for the loss of our childhood. (i'm sorry :( )  
If your kids are old enough, i'm sure they would agree that they would be relieved to know that you and their mom were finally seeing a therapist.  If I were you, I would stop reacting by fighting with your wife, and walk away before there was one more voice added to the fight. It does take two to fight. You can't fight into changing anything. Only by calming down and looking for a suitable solution will anything change. Please know this is only meant to help, and is not in any way judging you. I understand fully your hesitance to changing the marriage status, for the kids. But, in my opinion, if you insist on staying, insist on working on the marriage. Your long term sobriety is at stake. At the very least, teach your kids that when they have problems, the best thing to do about it is to calmly reach out for help to people that are outside of the situation. The worst part of addiction is covering up obvious problems that need to be changed. You're in my thoughts and prayers Dan. Stay strong. You can do this, all. I promise you. I had to jump quite a few of these same hurdles to get my life, and my son's life, to an acceptable place. I'm here if you want to talk further, about change that will support your sobriety.

[clean_in_ks]

Hey Dan......good on ya for 3 BIG DAYS!!  Doesn't sound like a lot to someone who hasn't BEEN there.....but I know with every inch of my being that 72 hrs is HUGE!!!!

I was having this convo with a woman who said her mom and the way her mom "stood by her man" thru anything and everything had rubbed off on her as she was growing up and how she is now attempting to "handle" her own sick marriage in much that same way.   I thought about that....and you know we truly are only able to "mirror" the way a marriage works or worked....from what "we" saw growiing up. (and we make firm decisions about how our OWN marriages will or absolutely will not be based upon that)  But each new generation learns from what THEY saw mirrored to them.....and whether we really know it or not....in some small way....we shadow what we learned as kids.

My own parents generation learned that "at any cost" you ALWAYS "stood by your man" (or woman as the case may be).  Today, we are learning that if it isn't "healthy"....then it ISN"T an attribute or a healthy sense of pride that we choose to "stand by our mate".  It is actually HEALTHIER for all the family members to do what is necessary to get well......because addiction and alcoholism IS a family illness and each and every family member truly is affected.  I "shadow" or "mirror" old tapes sometimes too....then I have to remember it isn't 2 generations ago where we are "negatively judged" or put down for having the courage to leave a sick environment/relationship.

How many marriages have I heard about where the parents "stayed together for the kids" and said it in such a prideful way.....and then when the kids were old enough to leave home and go out on their own.....the parents divorced!.......It DEVASTATED the kids!!!  Times they are a changin.

Courage is fear that has said it's prayers.  It is 2013.....not 1953 or 1963.

I grew up in an alcoholic home....and my mom "stood by her man" and became a very, very sick woman.  We have support today that wasn't even heard of "back in the day".....and our kids truly do mirror what they see.

Each family member takes on their own individual "coping" methods when they are surrounded by addiction.  I have 5 other siblings and we have ALL dealt with the family dis-ease in our own ways....but I praise God that we are ALL clean and sober today.......and not afraid to do what's best regardless of "old tapes", "other's opinions",  false pride, etc.

I am SO rootin for you......just to " do the next right thing"......keep reaching out....keep sharing your heart........we'll always be here for you~

[selfinduced]

It won't be easier, but it's never as bad as our fears lead us to think. Here to hold you up when you need. Let your personal whoas (ex) drag for this time and focus on YOU. You've done this before and what better revenge than to live a life free of turmoil and angst. Better days are ahead.

[limodan73]

Thanks Sara. As my flames get higher, my reserve grows stronger. You go find a giant piece of chocolate cake and celebrate that 5 years of life. I'm buckled in for this hell ride. I'll keep posting as the flames get higher.

[dominosarah]

Congrats on 3 days!!!  You keep it going as we would put the fire out!!  You deserve better than what you are getting and it will be her loss.  It is time for you to shine Dan!

[limodan73]

Hi everyone. Just wanted to let everybody know I'm still fighting the good fight. Day 3 is always the worst. And....  even down on my knees... I feel like the woman I swore before God to love and cherish. Wouldn't **** on fire to put me out.  Whatever. Might as well spit out my soul along with my guts. I'm here.  Guys. I'm here.

[dominosarah]

Dan, i joined the forum the end of April and you came in May.  I read your journal from May 19th 2008.  In there you said you will no longer be a slave to these pills.  It is May 23 2013, make that pact again.  I know you have it in you.  Step out of your comfort zone as that is when real forward progress starts.  I know doing this is scary as hell but there are so many good things waiting for you.  You dont have to just exist anymore, its time for you to start living~

[VICourageous]

How is it going today?? Just checking in to see!!! Stay Strong my friend!
Bless

[ricart70]

Hey limo
Hope you are **** better today buddy.

[alreadybetter]

The other thing is that you can see them every other week. Judges are doing that these days. I know from experience. Judges now believe it is the kids' best interest to see both parents equally. If you could get sober, and make the time that YOU have them in your possession worthwhile and healthy, then wouldn't that be worth giving them up 50% of the time?

[alreadybetter]

I'm new to the forum and can't offer much in the way of advice. I'd just like to say that I applaud you for coming back and seeking camaraderie. I wish I could reach through the computer and hug you, give you a physical touch to let you know that you are a valued human being, that by birth you have a right to be on this planet and you have a right to feel peace. I hope you keep fighting the fight. I hope you keep hoping. I am hoping for you. Welcome back, and stay around and start talking again to these wonderful, intelligent and generous people.

[Jimmy1975]

Hey Dan , just wanted to add this . You my friend are no different then any off us . We have all done very similar things myself included . Oh and I have been on the boards since 07 ! I was clean one time 9 months and a friend brought a bottle over and instead of saying no thank you Something just compelled me to take it and I was on my way again ! So don't be so hard on yourself my friend . Peace ! Jimmy

[limodan73]

I want to first say thank you so much for sharing with me. It means more than words can relate. Your strength and willingness to share with me is truly inspiring. Also, thanks for remembering me. I thought I remembered you from before, but my mind isn't right and didn't want to offend anyone. I so admire your strength and courage for doing what needed to be done, even when the stakes were so high. I would love to say that I can be that strong, but at this point... I'm not sure I can. And it would be so wrong of me to just say I will.  I have probably read your post 5 times now. And I'm sure I will more. What's utterly strange about my situation is that out on the street I would fight Mike Tyson if he crossed me.  So why am I so weak when it comes to these stupid pills?  Makes no damn sense. Anyway, I popped on to see if anyone else had responded and then read that post. And then read it again.. Then read clean-in-KS's again. And then some others. And all I can say is... From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU SO MUCH. I can't put to words how much it helps to know that others understand how sideways things can go when kids are involved. I have to go cook dinner for my boys. But will be back again soon.  Maybe I can help others, as you all have helped me. I want this time to be the last time, EVER. So tired of feeling like I'm not good enough.  Thank you all for welcoming me back and not making me feel like a lost cause. God Bless.

[jonboi76]

As sumone said above you may need to get out of the family unit to get clean Iv just ended an 18yr relationship So I can recover because I know my ex is using we are both in different places mentally spiritually & emotionally I know I can't do it as a unit its about me now. Just like this is about u now IF ur meant to be together then 1yr 2yrs etc etc away will not change that

[jonboi76]

Hi dan I'm new here and detoxing off a 16yr ride with methadone So I defo don't have answers & iv more questions But let me say You are not worthless or a failer your just like all of us an addict! What I lack in answers I will make up in supporting you So if u wanna ***** moan anything just msg me because we are all rooting for eachother & you can't get that from a chemist or dealer & its free!!! God keep you well

[dominosarah]

Hi Dan, i remember you!!  I am so glad you are reaching out again,  You know what needs to be done but putting it into action is the hard part now.  I so understand that.  Years back i lost custody of my daughter due to my drinking and drugging,  It was the worst time of my life.  I was married to a real piece of work.  He drank like a sailor and beat me to a pulp on a frequent basis.  At that time i really felt like i deserved it as i had all those "had i not done that or done this" syndrome.  I took on all the worlds problems and made them my own.  The more i got beat the more i drank.  My daughter couldnt take it anymore and she left,  Looking back on it now she got smart long before i did,  She had to save herself as her momma couldnt as i couldnt save myself.  I never tried to either, i just numbed myself up even more.  One day 5 yrs ago i woke up and i knew my health was failing, my relationship with my kids was awful.  I knew death was knocking on my door and i decided then and there that i would do whatever it took to save me.  It has been a painful journey reconnecting with my daughter but it has been so rewarding,.  I finally feel like her momma, something i never felt before.  I have been blessed with 2 beautiful girls and 2 grandbabies,  Dont waste anymore time Dan.  Your rewards are right in front of you.  Unlock those chains that are binding you as you hold the key.  I know you have it in you to change things up and make a better life for you and your kids.  Keep posting, we are always here to listen and help~sara

[limodan73]

Wanted to say thanks for the words of support. And yes, your friends have really given me some desperately needed words of encouragement and support. As far as the meetings go, I was going before my last spiral down this hellish rabit hole. And plan on going again. Just wanted to get some clean time in and garner the strength to face those who have helped me before. I know they say they don't judge. But, body language speaks volumes. And, no matter what, how can I NOT feel like I let my sponsor down?  I have to suck it up and make that "walk of shame" and not care what others think. My sponsor won't care that I fell, as long as I man up and get back in there.  But, as I'm sure all of those who've been there know. Its tough.  But once I get there, and get past the shame. I never want to leave.  Anyway, thanks again for the support. And Gob bless.

[limodan73]

I wanted to thank you for sharing that with me. As with clean-in-KS, your letting me know that I am not the only one going through this is really, really helping. I find myself wondering what the hell have I done more times than I want to think about. Way back when, before this addiction took away my life, I always felt that no matter what. I would stay with this women, for better or for worse(for lack of better words) because I come from a broken, fractured and outright shattered home. I guess I felt by doing so, my boys wouldn't carry around the demons I do. Even though my friends and family told me... many, many times that I was kidding myself that I could make it work. That I could change someone. And now, well, I know I was wrong. Everything gets amplified when kids are involved. And I wanted so desperately to provide a decent home life for them, that I missed the cornerstone of what that meant. How can they feel safe, secure and normal.  When they have to watch us fight ALL the time. And now that my oldest is of age to see through the poorly hidden words about pills and addiction, it only makes it that much more terrible.  So, not only do I feel like I let myself down. I feel like I let them down too. And as a father, that's a pain that is just unbearable. I know what I have to do. But saying and doing are about as far apart as it gets. I guess I have to find a way to make myself right without causing as much collateral damage as I can. I am just so damn scared.  As it is my oldest is having problems in school, And I have to wonder how much of that is my fault. Maybe all of it. I worry and worry and worry. Anyways, didn't mean to ramble on.  Just wanted to thank you. God bless you for opening up. I can't stress enough how much it helps to know that others understand my plight.  Thanks again.
Dan

[VICourageous]

Hi..Just wanted to give you some support.I joined on here in Dec but already had two months clean time. In fact I have 8 months today. Ha! Anyway I am very Grateful to have the Support from my other half..But I had to divorce a couple of my Girlfriends I have known for over 40 years..They live 20 min away..I can not go around them because they cause to much Drama & Stress for me that causes many triggers..Right now I am still a babe in the woods and I do isolate my self to some degree..I go to the meetings almost nightly and talk to only my clean friends. I had always helped my Mom, Step Dad and sometimes my real Dad out of town. Right now I can not do it..It only brings on Stress and some other Issues..I do help them out somewhat but only in baby steps and if there is no Stress involved for the Day!!
My Buds above gave you some very good advise too! So I just want to say welcome back and keep on the positive side of life..Do you go to any of the Meetings for Support? I wish you the best!
Bless

[EvolverU]

Hi! I don't know you but I'm really glad you reached out. I'm new to recovery as well. (just about 5 mos. off Methadone)

I, too, have a fraught home situation, though, as painful/stressful as it is, I'm taking steps to get out of it because I understand what Clean in KS above says is true. I know that it can seem impossible at times. It's completely understandable that you'd feel the way you do at this point and that you'd have a hard time staying clean while one feels so 'stuck'. I've never talked about this on the forum before but, for what it's worth, I'll share the following with you:

I finally came to the conclusion (after some time between me and the Methadone) that the 'top of the box' has been off the whole time & that I had been thinking in my old 'trapped/addiction' mode during most of the relationship.

The logistical, financial and emotional toll of moving on (once again, in my case..HA!) is really daunting. So, I decided I'm not going to think too far ahead but that I'd start just by taking 'baby' steps -- do it bit by bit. A few MH friends have really helped me get to this place and have provided the encouragement and support I so need at this point as I've cut off a my old 'drug' friends and am essentially isolated as a result. (So, I really hear you when you mention the same feelings.)

I know that I've got to do this for a bunch of reasons.1) I recognize that the 'crazy'- making situation I'm in might lead to a relapse eventually. 2) I don't want to be in a relationship that's causes constant and ever increasing stress - (and even disgust with myself and, sadly to say, with him, too.) 3) It's not fair to him, either as he's in denial about the true state of affairs (he also still uses.) 4) I'm through with not giving myself a chance in life: the opportunity to be happy and to accomplish what I set my mind to.

Please, hang in there! I know it looks dark but I'll bet you anything that if you look up in a moment of calm, you will find that the lid is actually open, as well. I just want to lend you my heartfelt support. We're here.