Anger and Isolation

[limodan73]

HI guys. To all that don't know me, I've been on and off this site since 08. I've gone as long as a year clean.  As I know, some will take my inability to stay clean as a weakness, and blame me for not trying  other things. Really don't give a rats arse about that right now.  I had 7 days clean, went to pick up my AD's and forgot I had a script sitting there. And, low and behold, back at day one. I feel stupid even complaining about this, considering whats happened recently on here. (Again, my heart and prayers go to her and her hubby). But I can't seem to shake this. Even with the AD's I keep having bouts of rage, sadness, uselessness.. I guess I better explain that a bit better. Unfourtunately, I have to live with probably my biggest trigger. The mother of my kids. Just saying that I can feel my blood pressure go up, chems start to ignite, etc...etc. Ugh. I know its stupid, but those who really know me. View me as the me before her, and the me after her. Add to that I recently found out I have even more degenerative diseases that will cuase me ridiculous amounts of pain. And I find myself with thoughts I haven't felt in a long long time.  I don't know, just seems like I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't.  I know the phrase, never quit quiting!  But, at what point do you just say fcuk it?  Please, I guess I'm just looking for some support. Really don't know anyone on here anymore. And I have utterly and completely isolated myself.... because I always thought I was doing the right thing by my kids. Had SO many tell me she would lead me into oblivion.  And now I'm here, and it *****. Hate myself right now.

[ricart70]

Hey Dan
Just wanted to offer my support. I have had some pretty good clean spells also. I had 2 and a half + years from 08 to 11  . I now have ten months. You can do it and you know you will feel better once you get a little time. Just hang in there and let us know how you are doing  Don't beat yourself up.

[ariley13]

Hi there. I am new to this with just a month clean, so I definitely don't have all the answers. I can offer you my support, though. It sounds like you are in a very hard situation at home and I can relate to that. I hope that you are able to find the support and peace that you need to get through this. I am here if you need someone to talk to. Hang in there.

[toothfairie]

hi...wanted to offer my support as well....i'm new to recovery myself, 6 months...so i can relate to some of the feelings you are having....triggers can be a bi**h for sure!!  just hang on tight and know that you will get that clean time again....take one hour, one min at a time.....you know it gets better the more you have under your belt.  Good luck and keep posting for support when you need it.  

[limodan73]

Thanks guys,(I mean both guys and gals by that btw). Nice to hear some words of encouragement. If it wasn't for this forum, well, really don't wanna say that right now. Just know I can't thank you enough for taking a min to give me encouragement. I know tomorrow can bring a better day. Just scared of the thoughts that keep creeping their way back in my head. As I sit here, both my boys are in room with me. And they are what keeps me going. Just wish I could find the strength to be the father they deserve....

[clean_in_ks]

Welcome back!  I don't agree that people will think your inability to stay clean is a weakness......just an opportunity for new lessons.  What can be done differently THIS time.???
  
You said "unfortunately I have to live with my biggest trigger".  That made me think of two VERY special men in my life......my brother and my son.
They attempted sobriety over and over and over by continuing to live in an unhealthy, codedependent relationship and relapsed every single time.

They both finally decided to put their sobriety and STAYING that way by building a strong foundation FIRST and FOREMOST in their lives.  They had tried staying in their "triggering" laden relationships.  They both chose to find a place to live "away" from their spousesl.  They were able to focus on their recovery and get stronger and stronger.  One of them is back with his wife and has 21 yrs sobriety.....but he had to live "apart" from her for 11 whole months before he felt able to tackle the dynamics of the relationship.

The other one, is just now getting sober.  He has 24 days sober today (the longest he has ever made it)....but has chosen NOT to live with his wife because he simply CANNOT stay sober repeating the sick behaviors that exist in their home over and over and actually succeed in getting and staying clean and sober.

At some point.....maybe you will decide to change what you can.....and know that "staying in a sick relationship" for the kids isn't doing any of you any good, huh?  It IS a family illness....and affects every single family member.  So....just wanted to throw that out there as an idea for you to chew on/pray on/consider for a bit.

The lesson here may be that you NEED to separate yourself for a bit.  
My hubby and I separated 2 times (7 yrs apart) because we simply could not work on our own recovery while living on the sick merry-go-round of repetitive sick behaviours we had both developed.  We neither one had a clue if we would end up together in the end......but we both just KNEW that unless we individually worked on ourselves......there would not BE a together relationship worth having for us or the kids.

If you can cut off your sources, talk to some other recovering people that have traveled a very similar road as yours.....maybe it will spark some new ideas in your heart.  I learned that something that sounded "simple" truly did NOT mean the same thing as "easy".   (But it was SO WORTH IT!)
If you share your recovery journey with others who also are choosing to life their lives clean and sober.....you will find that  the "you" that you mentioned above.  My head never made rational, accurate, or even safe or logical decisions while I was still ingesting opiates by the handfuls.
  
I'll be rootin for you.......but just remember.......nothing changes...until SOMETHING changes......and we can only change ourselves.

Blessings to you and I'll be here rootin for you~

[limodan73]

All I can say is wow. There is more than one thing in your post that both encourages me and gives me some hope. You're so right. And I know it. Just so hard to accept.  I guess the thing that absolutely terrifies me is the thought of not seeing my boys every day.  Been there once. And I swear all my ghosts came calling. But, I know they are a HUGE hurdle in my recovery. (Ghosts I mean). Thank you all so much for letting me know I'm not alone in this fight.  It's the isolation that puts my brain into overdrive. And once again it'll be here that I hopefully find the strength to dust myself off and start crawling my way back. God bless you all.

[EvolverU]

Hi! I don't know you but I'm really glad you reached out. I'm new to recovery as well. (just about 5 mos. off Methadone)

I, too, have a fraught home situation, though, as painful/stressful as it is, I'm taking steps to get out of it because I understand what Clean in KS above says is true. I know that it can seem impossible at times. It's completely understandable that you'd feel the way you do at this point and that you'd have a hard time staying clean while one feels so 'stuck'. I've never talked about this on the forum before but, for what it's worth, I'll share the following with you:

I finally came to the conclusion (after some time between me and the Methadone) that the 'top of the box' has been off the whole time & that I had been thinking in my old 'trapped/addiction' mode during most of the relationship.

The logistical, financial and emotional toll of moving on (once again, in my case..HA!) is really daunting. So, I decided I'm not going to think too far ahead but that I'd start just by taking 'baby' steps -- do it bit by bit. A few MH friends have really helped me get to this place and have provided the encouragement and support I so need at this point as I've cut off a my old 'drug' friends and am essentially isolated as a result. (So, I really hear you when you mention the same feelings.)

I know that I've got to do this for a bunch of reasons.1) I recognize that the 'crazy'- making situation I'm in might lead to a relapse eventually. 2) I don't want to be in a relationship that's causes constant and ever increasing stress - (and even disgust with myself and, sadly to say, with him, too.) 3) It's not fair to him, either as he's in denial about the true state of affairs (he also still uses.) 4) I'm through with not giving myself a chance in life: the opportunity to be happy and to accomplish what I set my mind to.

Please, hang in there! I know it looks dark but I'll bet you anything that if you look up in a moment of calm, you will find that the lid is actually open, as well. I just want to lend you my heartfelt support. We're here.

[VICourageous]

Hi..Just wanted to give you some support.I joined on here in Dec but already had two months clean time. In fact I have 8 months today. Ha! Anyway I am very Grateful to have the Support from my other half..But I had to divorce a couple of my Girlfriends I have known for over 40 years..They live 20 min away..I can not go around them because they cause to much Drama & Stress for me that causes many triggers..Right now I am still a babe in the woods and I do isolate my self to some degree..I go to the meetings almost nightly and talk to only my clean friends. I had always helped my Mom, Step Dad and sometimes my real Dad out of town. Right now I can not do it..It only brings on Stress and some other Issues..I do help them out somewhat but only in baby steps and if there is no Stress involved for the Day!!
My Buds above gave you some very good advise too! So I just want to say welcome back and keep on the positive side of life..Do you go to any of the Meetings for Support? I wish you the best!
Bless

[limodan73]

I wanted to thank you for sharing that with me. As with clean-in-KS, your letting me know that I am not the only one going through this is really, really helping. I find myself wondering what the hell have I done more times than I want to think about. Way back when, before this addiction took away my life, I always felt that no matter what. I would stay with this women, for better or for worse(for lack of better words) because I come from a broken, fractured and outright shattered home. I guess I felt by doing so, my boys wouldn't carry around the demons I do. Even though my friends and family told me... many, many times that I was kidding myself that I could make it work. That I could change someone. And now, well, I know I was wrong. Everything gets amplified when kids are involved. And I wanted so desperately to provide a decent home life for them, that I missed the cornerstone of what that meant. How can they feel safe, secure and normal.  When they have to watch us fight ALL the time. And now that my oldest is of age to see through the poorly hidden words about pills and addiction, it only makes it that much more terrible.  So, not only do I feel like I let myself down. I feel like I let them down too. And as a father, that's a pain that is just unbearable. I know what I have to do. But saying and doing are about as far apart as it gets. I guess I have to find a way to make myself right without causing as much collateral damage as I can. I am just so damn scared.  As it is my oldest is having problems in school, And I have to wonder how much of that is my fault. Maybe all of it. I worry and worry and worry. Anyways, didn't mean to ramble on.  Just wanted to thank you. God bless you for opening up. I can't stress enough how much it helps to know that others understand my plight.  Thanks again.
Dan

[limodan73]

Wanted to say thanks for the words of support. And yes, your friends have really given me some desperately needed words of encouragement and support. As far as the meetings go, I was going before my last spiral down this hellish rabit hole. And plan on going again. Just wanted to get some clean time in and garner the strength to face those who have helped me before. I know they say they don't judge. But, body language speaks volumes. And, no matter what, how can I NOT feel like I let my sponsor down?  I have to suck it up and make that "walk of shame" and not care what others think. My sponsor won't care that I fell, as long as I man up and get back in there.  But, as I'm sure all of those who've been there know. Its tough.  But once I get there, and get past the shame. I never want to leave.  Anyway, thanks again for the support. And Gob bless.

[dominosarah]

Hi Dan, i remember you!!  I am so glad you are reaching out again,  You know what needs to be done but putting it into action is the hard part now.  I so understand that.  Years back i lost custody of my daughter due to my drinking and drugging,  It was the worst time of my life.  I was married to a real piece of work.  He drank like a sailor and beat me to a pulp on a frequent basis.  At that time i really felt like i deserved it as i had all those "had i not done that or done this" syndrome.  I took on all the worlds problems and made them my own.  The more i got beat the more i drank.  My daughter couldnt take it anymore and she left,  Looking back on it now she got smart long before i did,  She had to save herself as her momma couldnt as i couldnt save myself.  I never tried to either, i just numbed myself up even more.  One day 5 yrs ago i woke up and i knew my health was failing, my relationship with my kids was awful.  I knew death was knocking on my door and i decided then and there that i would do whatever it took to save me.  It has been a painful journey reconnecting with my daughter but it has been so rewarding,.  I finally feel like her momma, something i never felt before.  I have been blessed with 2 beautiful girls and 2 grandbabies,  Dont waste anymore time Dan.  Your rewards are right in front of you.  Unlock those chains that are binding you as you hold the key.  I know you have it in you to change things up and make a better life for you and your kids.  Keep posting, we are always here to listen and help~sara

[jonboi76]

Hi dan I'm new here and detoxing off a 16yr ride with methadone So I defo don't have answers & iv more questions But let me say You are not worthless or a failer your just like all of us an addict! What I lack in answers I will make up in supporting you So if u wanna ***** moan anything just msg me because we are all rooting for eachother & you can't get that from a chemist or dealer & its free!!! God keep you well

[jonboi76]

As sumone said above you may need to get out of the family unit to get clean Iv just ended an 18yr relationship So I can recover because I know my ex is using we are both in different places mentally spiritually & emotionally I know I can't do it as a unit its about me now. Just like this is about u now IF ur meant to be together then 1yr 2yrs etc etc away will not change that

[limodan73]

I want to first say thank you so much for sharing with me. It means more than words can relate. Your strength and willingness to share with me is truly inspiring. Also, thanks for remembering me. I thought I remembered you from before, but my mind isn't right and didn't want to offend anyone. I so admire your strength and courage for doing what needed to be done, even when the stakes were so high. I would love to say that I can be that strong, but at this point... I'm not sure I can. And it would be so wrong of me to just say I will.  I have probably read your post 5 times now. And I'm sure I will more. What's utterly strange about my situation is that out on the street I would fight Mike Tyson if he crossed me.  So why am I so weak when it comes to these stupid pills?  Makes no damn sense. Anyway, I popped on to see if anyone else had responded and then read that post. And then read it again.. Then read clean-in-KS's again. And then some others. And all I can say is... From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU SO MUCH. I can't put to words how much it helps to know that others understand how sideways things can go when kids are involved. I have to go cook dinner for my boys. But will be back again soon.  Maybe I can help others, as you all have helped me. I want this time to be the last time, EVER. So tired of feeling like I'm not good enough.  Thank you all for welcoming me back and not making me feel like a lost cause. God Bless.

[Jimmy1975]

Hey Dan , just wanted to add this . You my friend are no different then any off us . We have all done very similar things myself included . Oh and I have been on the boards since 07 ! I was clean one time 9 months and a friend brought a bottle over and instead of saying no thank you Something just compelled me to take it and I was on my way again ! So don't be so hard on yourself my friend . Peace ! Jimmy

[alreadybetter]

I'm new to the forum and can't offer much in the way of advice. I'd just like to say that I applaud you for coming back and seeking camaraderie. I wish I could reach through the computer and hug you, give you a physical touch to let you know that you are a valued human being, that by birth you have a right to be on this planet and you have a right to feel peace. I hope you keep fighting the fight. I hope you keep hoping. I am hoping for you. Welcome back, and stay around and start talking again to these wonderful, intelligent and generous people.

[alreadybetter]

The other thing is that you can see them every other week. Judges are doing that these days. I know from experience. Judges now believe it is the kids' best interest to see both parents equally. If you could get sober, and make the time that YOU have them in your possession worthwhile and healthy, then wouldn't that be worth giving them up 50% of the time?

[ricart70]

Hey limo
Hope you are **** better today buddy.

[VICourageous]

How is it going today?? Just checking in to see!!! Stay Strong my friend!
Bless

[dominosarah]

Dan, i joined the forum the end of April and you came in May.  I read your journal from May 19th 2008.  In there you said you will no longer be a slave to these pills.  It is May 23 2013, make that pact again.  I know you have it in you.  Step out of your comfort zone as that is when real forward progress starts.  I know doing this is scary as hell but there are so many good things waiting for you.  You dont have to just exist anymore, its time for you to start living~

[limodan73]

Hi everyone. Just wanted to let everybody know I'm still fighting the good fight. Day 3 is always the worst. And....  even down on my knees... I feel like the woman I swore before God to love and cherish. Wouldn't **** on fire to put me out.  Whatever. Might as well spit out my soul along with my guts. I'm here.  Guys. I'm here.

[dominosarah]

Congrats on 3 days!!!  You keep it going as we would put the fire out!!  You deserve better than what you are getting and it will be her loss.  It is time for you to shine Dan!

[limodan73]

Thanks Sara. As my flames get higher, my reserve grows stronger. You go find a giant piece of chocolate cake and celebrate that 5 years of life. I'm buckled in for this hell ride. I'll keep posting as the flames get higher.

[selfinduced]

It won't be easier, but it's never as bad as our fears lead us to think. Here to hold you up when you need. Let your personal whoas (ex) drag for this time and focus on YOU. You've done this before and what better revenge than to live a life free of turmoil and angst. Better days are ahead.